Bacon vs. Fried Chicken: The New Civil War

Anyone that was born in the 80's has heard the stereotype, "Black people like fried chicken." You can say what you want about how derogatory such a saying is and honestly it is true but not in the way that you think. Saying that Black people like fried chicken is kind of like saying that Romeo had a friends with benefits situation with Juliet. It's an understatement at best yet one that leads to many white dudes getting sucker punched at Wiz Khalifa concerts; that's my theory anyway since I have never been to one of Wiz's shows never mind witnessed a white dude with the balls to say that derogatory term. I have however witnessed a bloated wanna-be "Good Ole Boy", just think Andy Griffith with a coke habit, call three black dudes a nigger straight to their faces and take a bigger ass whooping than Val Kilmer's career as of late. For the full story on that read the, "You Done Messed with the Wrong Ginger Story" (http://frankandrews.blogspot.com/2013/07/you-done-messed-with-wrong-ginger.html).

Black people don't just like fried chicken. They don't even just love fried chicken; they worship fried chicken. I know you are probably thinking, "Whoa Frank, you are going way to far never mind how racist it sounds". You would only be half right. It is racist but it also hits the nail on the extra crispy fried head. People forget that I live in Charleston, South Carolina which is about as deep south it gets unless you head out to Walterboro or Mississippi. It's so deep south that fried chicken is more on lock here than pizza is in Italy. Shit I have probably eaten more soul food than Michael Douglass has eaten Latin pussy. It's so intertwined with Southern Culture that they might as well call it food and while white people try to do their own spins on it they will never make better lima beans, never mind fried chicken, than a 60 year old black women that can recite bible verses like DMX. Furthermore I have proof, empirical evidence if you will, that black people worship hunks of chicken meat that is battered and fried to our arteries content:

That's right muthafuckas. While I may not be a church going individual I know a place of worship when I see one; especially one where the word "Church" is right there on the damn sign plain as a Delaware day. As we all know black people love them some religion whether it be Christian, Muslim, or when it comes to the Wu-Tang Clan; Buddhism. White people just go so that they can feel vindicated for ruining the party for the rest of the world but for black people religion is the party; hence Gospel music.  What many of you don't realize is that there is a religion that we all follow; unless you listen to any of Chris Rock's stand up. That religion is money; a point perfectly articulated by Wu-Tang's, "C.R.E.A.M." (Cash Rules Everything Around Me). It's why Federal Reserve notes, "dolla dolla bills" for those that don't follow history, have "In God We Trust" on the back. Just think of them as prayer notes except it actually makes shit happen. It makes everything happen including putting a Church's Chicken near any location that people in the lower middle tax brackets go to. That's because Church's Chicken has a secret ingredient and that ingredient is poverty which is why all the "God We Trust" prayer notes go there. Black people won't go to KFC because their mascot is "The Colonel" and last time I checked the word "Colonel" brought up thoughts of cotton fields and whips.

Now what I said above is very racist, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Then again I am an equal opportunity racist which means I have white people in my bigoted crosshairs as well. We all know that black people love fried chicken but what artery clogging food do white people love? Burgers? No, burgers are pretty universal; even Russians enjoy those. Hot dogs? Nope, well maybe gay guys can make that theirs. Oh yeah, that's right:

"Just think of it as a pile of Uncle Tom. Deliciously Crispy, Cured Uncle Tom."

Bacon might as well be called, "Beyoncé", because it is every white man's kryptonite, and just like Sasha Fierce one bite will make you feel like your wood is getting rained on. Just wait till they start putting it into Starbuck's drinks, it will be the New World Order or more precisely the Bacon World Order. That's B.W.O. for all you conspiracy theory fanatics. Bacon fanaticism is already at a fever pitch now. I'm pretty sure if I did a search for "bacon scented lubricant" it would turn up a result. Actually give me two seconds so I can pull up bing. There we go:





 "When you absolutely, positively want some bacon flavor for that sandwich you shot your cheese into the night prior."

Feel like Neo when Morpheus asked him upon returning to the matrix, "Incredible, isn't it?". Of course such an epiphany won't ruin bacon for white people; nothing will. There could be a plate with strips of bacon and Kate Upton (since Kate Upton seems to be the white response to Beyoncé) trapped in a Jigsaw murderer style kill box with some white dude, any white dude, having to choose which is last thing will be in his mouth; bacon or Kate Upton's clitoris. The dude might sweat the decision but 11 time out of 10 the white dude will take the bacon. Sorry Kate, but bacon only nurtures and never complains. That's why devout Christians don't wear bomb vests but Muslim's do; bacon. It's all white people have ever needed to devote their lives to a fairy tale; if it wasn't bacon then Beyoncé and Kate Upton would both be covered in veils with no hope of twerking.

That's the thing about people, any of them will buy into bullshit for a price. As long as white people have bacon then everything will be "good" and as long as black people have fried chicken everything will be "blessed". It keeps our country at peace, no matter how segregated, because we openly permit the consumption and worship of fried chicken and bacon. They both clog up arteries and they keep the pharmaceutical industries in business as well as Weight Watchers and the Food Network. It's why Barack Obama lets everyone think he is black when he is really a mixed race Hawaiian with a lot of Jewish friends in Chicago. He gets the benefit of both worlds; the fried chicken and bacon realms if you will. He doesn't put the Jewish connection in the public eye so he can enjoy bacon and he plays the race card so he can enjoy fried chicken.

Still think he is  a Muslim? 

However this separation cannot last and there will come a day when some food franchise will start marketing bacon wrapped fried chicken on a massive scale. It will start out as something hip at first but eventually there will come a conflict over who makes "Real" bacon wrapped fried chicken and it will become another case of shit gets taken way too literally. That's right, there will be dignity spilled. It will go down in the history books as the conflict of our time and will be decided where anything that gets taken too literally gets decided; Hollywood. There will be the ambassadors of propaganda butting heads on it as George Clooney or Michael Moore will not know which way to turn. It will go up to a vote; a single vote decided by one man. One whom will be able to have an unbiased opinion since he whistles Dixie and plays the trumpet. That man is none other than:

 

 I know ole Billy Clits will be able to settle this debate. He isn't president anymore but with Hillary on the way in for 2016 the First Husband, or whatever the fuck his label will be, will have plenty of time to work on causes that truly matter; the integration of bacon and fried chicken into the American conscience because together China doesn't stand a chance nor does Russia. Yeah China has their take on fried chicken but it doesn't come close to anything that comes out of the Bible Belt. Russia may have bacon of some gulag sort but they couldn't fry a chicken if having James Bond's sloppy seconds depended on it.

 "They fry what in Kentucky?"





Who is me?

A world of snowflakes that are unique,

Individuality is the word of what they speak,


They say "you don't know me"......

Shit, I can't even contemplate such a thing of myself like a wanna-be...


Bragging, shouting, bitching about,

Womp! Womp! is all these characters say in times of doubt,

Why do bitches forego the plan B and allow these tools out?


This goes through my head as I wonder my place,

In this place and time of NSA and an information arms race,


Fear of a Skynet seems to be the flow of the grains,

What idiocy this is that gives my mind aches and pains,

They think nuts and bolts could fuck shit up more than the Dick Cheneys or John McCains,

All the do is step in front of the cameras to complain,

While Obama don't even give a shit either since he signed the NDAA,



They think of how to kill this man named Snowden,

When they can't even keep the DOW from drowning,

Sometimes I think they are just waiting to reap something of their plowing,


Who is me?

Who is me?

This I ask myself,

As time goes on this definition seems more clouded in doubt,


Many a follower of Halmark say answers come in time,

The more I live it seems as though these fools are just preaching one big lie,


The true me seems to become more and more obscure,

A feeling that words of wisdom and serendipity seem unable to cure,

It's gotten to the point where I can't clear my mind while getting a blow job that would make many a poser's toes curl,


My mind is consumed in thought,

Even when the sex is on the level that many would have to deny they bought,


For me sex is nothing more than dropping a squat,

For the posers it offers just as much thrill as getting shot,

I now spend my days wondering if there is such a thing as a real me or not,


What is a real me?

Would I ever find serenity if such a thing were to be?

Or would I just sing about a sweet land tis of thee?


This world consumed in drama,

And the best they can do is complain about some actor named Obama,

And cheer while Peyton Manning screams about "Omaha",


Maybe that is why my mind is so filled with doubt,

Because I am surrounded by people that find dumb shit to brag and bitch about....

"Morals" and if STD's were people...

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The Roid-stapo...

To the gym I go,
Twice a day so I don't have to feel guilty about eating a ho-ho,

To look better without a shirt is all I want,
It helps give me confidence when I am out looking to slay some cunt,

I ride to the gym blasting my beats to get my testosterone high,
Some espresso is alls I need to fly,
Unlike some the gym is not ride or die,
Just something to help my heart get by,

I pull into the parking lot knowing I am about to do a workout that a bath of Epsom salt will have to sooth,
I grab my head phones so I can like it to my phone using this dope shit called Bluetooth,

I grab my car keys that has the card to check in with which I swipe,
The skinny muthafucka at the desk give me a look like he is Blade played by Wesley Snipes,

I walk to the locker room while noticing how much the joint is packed,
That's ok since the cardio is lined with honeys whose racks are mighty stacked,
Much better to look at than oily skinned mofos wear Muscle Pharm like they were threatened with getting whacked,
Hopefully these jerkoffs will mind their business and stay the fuck back,

I throw off my work shirt and boots,
Obviously the pants come off too,
As I hear Miley on the sound system which makes me want a hollow point to blow my brain threw,
Shit that bitch doesn't even have an ass worth a Mountain Dew,

I thrown on my b-ball shorts and quicksilver t-top,
And lace on my Under Armour sneakers that my home girl that was on sale during a shop,

I throw on my head phones with a look of daring,
and crank up the volume on the head phones that has Young Buck blaring,
as I leaver the locker room with a bearing,

Today is shoulders,
Despite it being Monday which means chest for all the posers,
Especially this one prick that smells like he hasn't showered since the Sopranos been over,

As I begin to do my over head press,
He comes over barking because my form is a point of his stress,
I give him a look like his personality is a mess,
He walks off like my presence is nothing to bless,

All I have to say if this guy is a bitch you wish to aspire too,
The funny thing is that Hitler is someone else that many a twat admired through and through,
Leave me the fuck alone is all I wish you would do,

But I do wonder what is this form he speaks of,
As blood looks like it is about to hit the mat from above,
They form so many dots on the back of his wife beater it makes me wonder if I could draw a dove,

He has his boys whose muscles also bulge,
Hooking with skinny white chicks and winning a fight their dreams indulge,
Their personalities are quite see through,

That's when it hits me what this form is of which they claim to move with and use,
It's actually quite obtuse,

It just requires putting together two and two,

The sum is some bending over,
While a prick goes into their ass like meat loaf in an oven from Marie Stover,

A steroid needle I mean,
As these guys don't have the game to make Anderson Cooper's eyes beam,

All the have is their fucking juice,
As they can't even land the chicks that reek of being loose,

Enjoy your metal and protein,
Because when I'm done with this workout I'm going to your honey's house; she suck my dick clean....

Gays vs Fags

I'm a straight guy. I have never been confused about my sexual orientation and have never had anything that has raised any questions to the contrary. On the other hand I do consider myself an open minded individual and realize that everyone is wired differently due to genetics and I do fully believe that homosexuality and bisexuality is something you are born with. I would say Fred Phelps could lick my asshole after a bowel movement post-dining out at an all you can eat Indian buffet but the fact that he is so adamant in his hatred towards homosexuality makes me think that he is more than likely a closeted homosexual whom would take me up on it; if I wasn't already 11 years past puberty. Now don't get me wrong as this is not going to be some other retarded rant on how gays should enjoy the same rights to marriage or whatever. The Supreme Court already decided that shit and I think it was about time. Same sex couples have a right to enjoy the frustration joy that is monogamy as any other American or human being for that matter.

This is more about an ongoing annoyance that has risen about this issue or more specifically a word and yes it is the word "faggot". Chris Rock once said that there was a difference between black people and niggers. Well the same thing applies to individuals that find joy in the entry of cock into asshole since they are wired to feel that a vagina brings too much variety into the issue. I have no problem with gay guys but I do have a huge issue with faggots. First off though I think we need two examples so that people can understand where this issue lies.

 

 

 

If you have watched TV for any stretch of time then you know that the guy pictured above is none other than Anderson Cooper. He is a journalist whom has won a Peabody Award (Neil Patrick Harris can't even claim that shit) as well as a self identified homosexual. He likes cock as any gay or bisexual man does but he doesn't define himself by it. Many wouldn't have even guessed it or had a reading on their proverbial "gay-dars" until he sent an email to Andrew Sullivan in 2012. This is an excerpt:

 

"I’ve also been reminded recently that while as a society we are moving toward greater inclusion and equality for all people, the tide of history only advances when people make themselves fully visible. There continue to be far too many incidences of bullying of young people, as well as discrimination and violence against people of all ages, based on their sexual orientation, and I believe there is value in making clear where I stand.

 

The fact is, I’m gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.

I have always been very open and honest about this part of my life with my friends, my family, and my colleagues. In a perfect world, I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business, but I do think there is value in standing up and being counted. I’m not an activist, but I am a human being and I don’t give that up by being a journalist."


He identifies himself as a human being. One that likes cock but a human being nonetheless. It's just who he is and he doesn't try to embellish it or make it as something more than it is. Even though I have never met the guy or had a drink with him, and yes I would have a drink with him simply due to the fact that I think he is one of the few legit journalists that still has a genuine voice in mainstream media, I am pretty sure that it would take more than having a preference for cock to have a chance at hooking up with Anderson Cooper. In reality you would probably have to spark some chemistry with him on an intellectual level just like how I have had to for the women I've given the Big O to in my life. It takes some serious game to hook up with Anderson Cooper.

Now the flamboyant fellow above is none other than Freddy Mercury of the Band "Queen". Their music was famous and had plenty of artistic merit. "Bohemian Rhapsody" never really got a rise out of me but "Stone Cold Crazy" was pretty dope. Freddy Mercury was a gifted musician that loved cock. He was also the textbook definition of what you would call a "faggot". Guys like him is why AIDS spread like it did during the 80's because he couldn't keep his cock in his pants for long enough to get a last name. This is how he got HIV/AIDS himself. It sucks that it happened to him as it does for anyone that has died from or suffers from this disease but at the same time his flamboyant, promiscuous lifestyle played a role in it. Those are just facts just like the fact that he can be labeled with such a label.

He's the guy that other fags aspire to when they try to "convert' straight guys as such a behavior is symptomatic of being a faggot. When they can't "convert" you they accuse you of being a homophobe and that you don't know if you are gay until you try it. There was actually a faggot that actually tried this line of logic on me and didn't even realize that I worked at a gym despite me having told him plenty of times during conversations when I was watching the door. I knew I wasn't gay from that very job alone since part of my job was going into the men's locker room in order to change out towels; this meant I saw plenty of naked guys in the nude. Fuck, my own boss, male boss, whom is also a long time friend of mine saw me naked as I hopped out of the shower this one time and guess what. No erection, no erotic thoughts, no confusion, no awkwardness, nothing. That's what happens in men's locker rooms; sometimes guys see you naked. Erections on the other hand might raise some questions.

Faggots are basically the kinds of homosexuals that you have to worry about slipping you a date rape drug so that they can "give you a ride home". Just as in the same a way a nigger would hold a chick at knife point just to say to "bust a nut" or why a cracker like Strom Thurmond would hook up with a black chick and yet deny the baby wasn't his so that he wouldn't lose the White Protestant vote (those are the "crackers" by the way my brown skinned friends).

Black guys, white guys, gay guys, and anyone else that can be slapped with a label only become that label when they give into it. They only settle for being characters in this freak show that we call our reality. With all the derogatory labels presented I have a much better one for such individuals that decide to give into and act accordingly to a preconceived stereotype; JERKOFFS. Want to know why? Because they are only good for the entertainment that you can yank one out to before going back to shit that matters like keeping these jerkoffs from ruining this world for the people that actually give a shit for others outside themselves. At least they aren't as bad as Politicians, Bankers, Lobbyists, Oil Execs, The Saudi Royal Family or The Bush Family.



Math...

The source of much ire,
Math is something the brightest play with to aspire,

Most run our world based on fairy tales from books,
Math tells us our reality itself may be one filled with many kooks,
The suppression of such study is the behavior of all the crooks,
They care not to take second or third looks,

Many a fairy tale I look to string,
Because those in power want to decide of what we should laugh and sing,

I know not in which solace we can bath,
I just know it's in the math,
Hopefully my species will eventually get on that path,

The language of our reality many whom understand it they say,
Maybe visitors from another realm will come with questions on a random day,
And we will have more to say than just, "Que?"

If that day does ever come,
Maybe those who understand it will keep the idiots mum,

As of this moment right now,
Math is the only thing that can truly make us bow,

For those that would rather figure it out,
Maybe they can help us so our ignorance doesn't doom us in a rout....

Strings....

Strings conceive the perceptions of my reality,
Many a dogma tried to deny this proudly,

They make up more shit than an atom;
At least they are more honest than those who tell stories of Eve and this jerk off named Adam,

Many a genius spend their nights trying to figure them out,
Hopefully powerful men will listen to them before the time we have runs out,
Maybe then controlling time will be another thing for my species to brag about,
Otherwise there never may be evidence for anyone else to find of how much we thought we were stout,

Strings, your vibrations make up my day,
No matter what the powerful and bitter old men say,
All they can do is kneel and pray,
How dumb it is that they think this is a game that can be played,

Then again Strings will have no need to care,
Just another symphony they will bear,

That's the thing about strings and gravity,
They conduct the entertainment that many atone to and testify soundly,

Fermions, Leptons, Bosons, and Quarks,
Clouds of probability they are as Planck would Bark,
"My God does not play Dice!" was shouted as Einstein wanted to remain stark,
A theory to unify their thoughts would make our future appear less dark,

Strings you make up my reality,
As well as allow me to see running backs get annihilated by Jadaveon Clowney,

So this is what I will say,
Let's let go of all our conflicts and war game,
Maybe then this can be a reality where it is safe to play......

The Paleo Workout

Everyone talks about the Paleo Diet but no one talks about the Paleo Workout so here it is, The Paleo Workout:

1. Move to Africa or just into a heavily wooded area minus any clothing whatsoever or any belongings for that matter. No IPhone, No Toothpaste, no laptop, no tablet, no red bull, and most importantly; no Starbucks. This is about proper form.

2. Find shelter. You ain't going to be able to shed those pounds if you die from hypothermia.

3. Build a fire. I can tell you how to build one but since you want to live like a caveman and be faithful to the lifestyle then that means figuring it the fuck out.

4. Look for lots of bugs. They are easy protein and will keep you going in times near starvation.

5. Walk around the woods when the weather is bearable and look for big game.

A. If you find big game and don't have a sharp stick: RUN FOR YO MUTHAFUCKIN LIFE!!!! This will help to get your cardio in and as we all know sprints are effective cardio.

B. If you find big game with a stick: Chase that son of a bitch down and stab it to death with that big stick. This will work both your aerobic and anaerobic conditioning not to mention having plenty of protein for the week. You will also need to find a source of salt to preserve what you don't eat so that protein can last you for a few weeks.

Repeat these steps for the rest of your life and avoid all signs of civilization and cell phone towers. This way you will be able to fully enjoy the Paleo lifestyle.

Interracial in Dixie...

I like me a bitch with a badonokadonk to bear,
I like to rock that shit like it's December 31st at Times Square,

I like it when she move it up and down, side to side,
It makes my blood rush down south like a waterslide,
In that mind,
It goes, "Oh my, Oh my"

I like their tones in variety,
Even if that preference makes the trust fund twats question my sobriety,

I care not what they think,
In my mind it's less competition that I gots to sink,
It makes me want to buy them a drink,
And to see if I can charm them into making those panties sink,

I live in a town of Haterz,
Ironically they live off money that was made by people who enslaved those that they call spear shakerz,

They talk this and that bout their 'Murica,
But yet they don't think about their bigotry to give their mind a eureka,
That's fine in this Holy City in which has many a fool say duh,
Because they missing out on a good time with this bad bitch from Chicago by the name of E--VA,

For mixing of the lines of the blood they subliminally are programmed to say nay,
For this the horizons of their mind they are afraid to expand a stray,
Maybe this will change one day,
And they will realize the off-white ladies can be more fun than GTA.....

Scary Movies....

I'm some dumb white chick,
I felt that it would be a good idea to go hiking with some white prick,
We had to ride through a town inhabited by white hicks,
My biggest fear would be that I would get bitten by some fucking ticks,

We brought some camping equipment,
Fuck I even brought some mushrooms because I figured it would be a time to experiment,

Lo and behold,
This trip is not turning what my friends told,
No one told me there would be a masked psychopath with a knife trying to grab ahold,
I really do miss the Glock .40 that I sold,

This is what I get for trying to be like a hippie,
A run for my life that makes me yearn for safety in a jiffy,

I wish I had spent some money on lessons in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu,
Instead of wasting my dough on a fucking Shit-zu,
Who knows what I will do,
I just hope my dumb ass can survive to hear the question, "Who tried to kill you?",

Why did we even come to this place?
It's not like I can even watch Fox News or Nancy Grace,

I guess if I make I will stop having a preference,
Especially when my clit needs a reference,
Maybe I'll finally hook up with that dish washer whom always talks about his homeboy Terrance,
This is why I need to stop talking to my white friends about getting my head some clearance,

At least then I'd have a man out here with a big, fat cock,
As well as one that keeps his gats locked and stocked.......

A Plumber's Life

A Plumber's Life

Pubes and Tubes,...
My sacrifice for boobs,

I spend my days gagging,
So I can spend my nights bragging,

My days at work might be stressing,
But the money I can save up to buy my girl some fake boobs with is a blessing,

It has a lot in common with porn,
because one day it may make me scream at some test results with scorn,

That's because my day involves being at risk of catching Hepatitis C,
As well as HIV,

It's all worth it though since you let me make you roar like Beyoncé,
In return for buying a plane ticket so you can see your folks in Milwaukee,

I know that my job isn't as fun as slaying 10's in front of a camera,
But it made it so I could buy drinks for the 10 that gave me a blow job in Tampa,

I may never get followers on my Twitter account,
But I'll still be privy to the fun of hearing a horny chick's sound,

I know for many playa's this might sound like a retarded retort,
But then again who cares when I know both that your home girl and side bitch squirt,

This is not meant to start a battle,
It's only said to make your brain rattle,

However I can handle your shit and tricks;
My days involve dodging it like Neo from the Matrix

So in closing shit may consume my days,
But at least it makes it were I can enjoy ladies that keep that shit shaved.....

Stupid Fucking Sayings.....

I'm a writer. This is obvious by the fact that I spend a significant portion of my time combining words into sentences to get my thoughts across to the masses or at least the people that read this blog. In this current information age full of terms like "climate change", "twerking", "YOLO", "being jelly", "shaking it like salt shaker", and others are thrown around like used condoms from an all you can smoke meth orgy in your nearest trailer park. I'm just kidding, I highly doubt those people use condoms judging by how they shoot out slack jawed fetuses like they are trying to raise a Duck Dynasty militia. In one aspect this flood of information is beneficial, thanks to the internet, because it gives people access to information they otherwise wouldn't be privy to. It also has an unhealthy side effect because it gives bigoted jerk offs and cognitively dissonant dipshits access to information they otherwise wouldn't be privy to.

Throughout history access to information has given rise to proverbs and quotes that many see as pearls of wisdom. Some of them very well are such as, "Cash Rules Everything Around Me" by Method Man and "Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hates one another" by H.L. Mencken while others are just down right retarded. I don't mean retarded in the casual idiotic sense when someone forgets their car keys. I mean it's retarded in the bulbous-head-licking-shit-off-my-fingers-my-best-hope-is-a-career-at-Goodwill-sense. I know that sounds insensitive and I'd say that I'd care but that would just me trying to be nice and honestly I'm as nice as I am at times for the sake of limiting drama when I'm not in the mood to fuck with the silly sensibilities of the masses. I'm just not a fan of being nice to people, I think it's stupid. Jesus was wrong and he was a fictional character. With that said here is a list of such examples of ideological diarrhea and why they reek of pseudo-philosophical circular logic.

1. "You can't have your cake and eat it too.".

I've dated and been fuck buddies with plenty of bisexual chicks to know that this saying is complete and utter bullshit but for those who think a Rusty Trombone is a musical instrument let me ask you something. How the fuck can a bakery be lucrative? How does Hostess make a profit? I mean why is cake even popular in the first place?

Every day I see people in convenience stores as well as bakeries buying cakes, having them in their hands, IN THEIR FUCKING HANDS, and shoving them into their pie holes to be stored in their fat cells because we all know is about as nutritional as a vaginal discharge from a yeast infection. Just look at all the fat fucks we have in this country. Just about all those carbon based walking lava lamps have had a cake and eaten it too. I'm not talking cup cakes either and that's if we are even getting on the subject of what truly constitutes a whole cake.

Cakes are meant to be had and eaten. That's the entire point of a cake. To have it and eat it. This saying is nothing more than some half assed concoction of the privileged elite to control the masses in order to have their cake and not allow those they see as below them from eating it too. So I guess the correct saying would be, "I can have my cake and eat it too. Go to the bakery and get your own shit head."

2. "Persuasion is better than force."

Now this one sounds pretty solid intellectually; if you're an idiot. Sayings like this are why I'm glad to be what is now called an "Aspie" due to Asperger's Syndrome. If it wasn't for that I probably would have used that in some college term paper and tried to pass it off as my own original thought but since I am not wired to think in such terms I can see the idiocy of the statement plane as day. For those that can't take a second and think about it.



Done thinking about it? For those that still can't figure it out here is your answer since you aren't close enough to smack upside the head; persuasion is a form of force. This saying applies that persuasion of some benevolently gentleman behavior of allowing people to come to their own conclusions that fall directly in line with the conclusion you want them to draw. It works well for rapists and murderes not mention bankers, politicians, advertising executives, not to mention genocidal regimes. Hitler was very fucking persuasive as was Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong, and any other jerk off that used persuasion to kill off his own people.

Trying to say that persuasion isn't a force is like saying that holding a knife to a sorostitutes' throat isn't forcing them into dropping their panties. A knife to a carotid artery is very persuasive. It's also very forceful thus making persuasion a force. A more fitting saying would be "Persuasion is the best form of force".  


3. "Cleanliness is next to Godliness."

This saying can only be digested if under the assumption that there is in an all knowing, all powerful, benevolent imaginary BFF for all humanity that actually exists. For the sake of sinking this turd let's play along. Let's make believe that there really is a God that we have empirical proof of existing and that it makes Martha Stewart look like a hoarder by comparison. Also let's assume that this being goes by what we define as clean. I know it's a stretch but then again dealing with the stupidity of others is always a workout.

First off if God is a clean freak with a severe case of OCD then what the fuck is up with hurricanes? They make a huge mess don't they? If it's a force of nature and nature is one of God's tools for keeping things nice and tidy then why is he going around wrecking shit with hurricanes? Kind of counter productive isn't it? I mean what is it trying to do? Sort the colors from the whites? I mean that might explain why it allowed Hurricane Katrina to turn New Orleans to turn into a creole themed toilet reeking of anarchy for those lovely four days until enough black people died off to keep George W. Bush's handlers happy since apparently "whites" is the only apparel they appreciate. I mean that was far from clean even by India's standards. I mean was God drunk? Was it in a bad mood? Was it watching American History X and got inspired by the scene where Edward Norton made the black guy bite the curb? This is just one example to go along with numerous other "Acts of God" that goes to show that this being doesn't give a shit about how clean we are.

Then of course there is entropy or the fact that everything down to the smallest of elementary articles is going to greater points of disorder, i.e. a mess. This is a fundamental rule of nature which would have been written by this god. It actually wrote into nature's laws that messes are inevitable. Maybe God likes a mess, the weather sure seems to show that side of it's peculiar behavior. On the other hand many of us are obsessed with keeping shit clean, we build  entire companies around the idea. Maybe a better saying is, "Cleanliness is better than Godliness since that asshole loves to make a mess; if there is such an asshole that exists."

4. "What would Jesus do?"

This saying is so fucking stupid that for a moment I thought it deserved it's own article but honestly this fictional character get's too much press as is. I used to think it was just something cute that Cedric the Entertainer said in a shitty comedy because it seems like every Protestant minded African American that makes it in the entertainment business wants to be the next Bill Cosby. Jack Nicholson was right. You can guess the movie. Once again for the sake of argument that ends with this saying getting Spartan kicked into an abyss of dogma let's play along.

First off, would you base your life off of what Thor would do? Would you run around with an oversized hammer smashing everything in sight looking for anyone that appears to be the next form of Loki to prevent the Ragnarok? Would you bide your time waiting for your inevitable battle with the Jormungand? Would you refer to your father as Odin? Would you even guess that this story was just interpreted by Marvel Comics with the goal of making enough money off our obsession with fairy tales?

All any overly gullible shart stain is saying with this is that they trust the judgment of a watered down fictional character that got his environmentally friendly ass nailed to a cross that Rupert Murdoch would fund out of pocket for the sake of ratings? I mean why would you look up to a guy that was turned into an ornament for a pagan ritual in when there is another fictional one that carries a hammer? That's like looking up to JFK and yes I am about to talk some shit about Johnny Fitz. JFK was a great guy. He was smart  and seemed to genuinely care for the common wealth of the world but that is where he also fucked up. I personally don't think the Lee Harvey was acting alone on that day in Dallas where JFK figured it would be nice to ride around with the top down especially given the fact that he knew he was pissing some powerful people off. That's every president since JFK talks fondly of Fitzy but doesn't follow in his foot steps. That's why no one asks what JFK would do.

However since we seem to need some sort of fictional character to be the imaginary friend in our lives I have a great quote; two actually:

A. "What would Tony Stark do?"

Answer: "Figure it the fuck out."

B."With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility."-Uncle Ben

"Probability can appear Divine at times."

 

 

Now many of you might be saying, "You asshole, Jesus was real." Oh really? Well here is a way to solve this debate; show me a body or some other form of forensic evidence. Until then my point stands. Also let me know what kind of feed the Easter Bunny prefers while you're at it. Also stop dream of massaging Megyn Kelly's neglected pissed off clit; it's bad for you.

 

 5. "If it ain't broke, then don't fix it."

This example of still birth intellectuality comes via the same type of logic that allows the oil industry to keep giving the middle finger to humanity. It sounds perfectly genius at first, if you think bleach and steel wool is a sound treatment for ring worm, but it disregards that that whole entropy thing again. Entropy goes straight down to the plank scale, where quantum theory breaks down to quantum indeterminacy. To put it another way:

EVERYTHING EVENTUALLY BREAKS!!!!!!

To put it in another way this is like a chain smoker saying that he shouldn't quit smoking because he hasn't gotten lung cancer that is stage 4 yet. That's why mechanics love this term because they know that some dumbass will follow it blindly despite the fact that his CV joints have more wear and tear than Tara Reid.  I mean by this logic there is not point to even showering since you don't smell like a port-a-potty at Bonnaroo yet. It falls in line with the "God is a neat freak" logic i.e. it's incomplete at best. It just makes elitist pricks rich gullible cursing their imaginary friend because their vacation money just went into buying a new transmission. A much more logical line of thought, "Fix the shit before it breaks".


There are many more examples to come but what you should gather from this is anyone that tries to play the philosophical card with clichéd logic that can found in your nearest hallmark probably doesn't follow it themselves while hoping that you do to see if it actually works.

 



Jim Cantore

When I was about 12 years old I felt as though my life's calling would be as a meteorologist except the weather channel is only fond of metaphors when it comes to the kind of weather that gave inspiration to evacuation routes. I actually sat in on a news cast for WCBD News Channel 2 to see what, at the time, was see one of my "role models", since back then I didn't realize that "role model" was nothing more than a fascist play on words probably talked over a board meeting at the headquarters of Nike; the agenda including underage labor im Chinese sweatshops. This role model goes by the name of Rob Fowler and he is famous because of his mustache which is a shame since he is actually a pretty good meteorologist due to the fact that his predictions tend to be accurate at least 51% of the time. That is really the only requirement I think is needed to make it in front of a camera in that job; unless you are Jim Cantore.

Oh yes, good ole Jim Cantore. Now if you have read other stories on my blog I'm sure you are wondering what in the blue hell I could have against Jim Cantore. The short answer; nothing negative. The guy is definitely not a pussy because his whole job revolves around the question, "Where is the shittiest weather in the country and how can I get in front of a camera there?"  It also revolves around, "How can I make this seem like the last day on Earth even if all that is predicted is light queefs from the cunt called Mother Nature?". His career is basically funded by Mother Nature's bouts with PMS which should become even more epic with the advent of climate change, if you believe in that sort of thing. Ever notice how woman become even bigger bitches during those lovely 3-7 days a month? Imagine Storm from the X-Men with no midol at the same time the Bachelor gets cancelled and you'll get an idea about what's going on with the weather.

His genuine enthusiasm honestly makes me wonder why he chose being a meteorologist in the first place. It's not exactly a job that requires enthusiasm since you don't have to get in front of a camera unlike others such as being a politician, actor, televangelist, porn star, etc. Jim Cantore would make all those things way more entertaining than they are; YES even porn, especially porn.



"This will be the biggest cum surge to ever engulf a barely legal woman's face. Her dignity may never recover from this."

 

To put it in other words if Mother Nature were Mike Tyson then Jim Cantore would be Don King. If it were Anderson Silva then he would be Dana White. He is the ultimate promoter for the ultimate champion of the world; NATURE and just like any good promoter his enthusiasm makes you yearn for shit to get fucked up. I know it does for me. Whenever some major hurricane is heading for the East Coast Jim's words make me dream of it becoming even stronger.

 

Did you say that was a category 4 Jim? Can you make it a category 8? Seriously, I want to see 500 mph winds slamming stray bums into brick walls as you break down in detail how the winds in the north east quadrant of the storm make the guy's brain matter paint the wall in a certain pattern. I want to see storm surges that submerge Wall Street just for the sake of liquid asset and debt jokes. The thought alone makes me want to grab a sign and a can of spray paint so I can picket for accelerating climate change. It would beat the shit out of the Superbowl and we can all be the first string for Team: Humanity. 

 

If it was Al Roker doing the commentating then climate change would be just as boring as anything on the Lifetime Network or the 700 Club. With Jim Cantore it becomes a non-stop live action flick that would make Fox News jealous. Honestly Jim Cantore should just comment on everything because he makes anything seem like it needs our immediate attention and input. I'm pretty sure he could make going to the DMV sound exciting and matter of national security. Speaking of which; why the fuck hasn't the government hired Jim Cantore to speak on the subject of National Security? He could have sold bombing the shit out of Syria way better than Obama's wanna-be Jew ass could.

 

"My Fellow Americans, brown people having access to chemical weapons is the biggest threat America has ever face. Miley Cyrus's may no longer be able to be the Wrecking ball we all know and cherish."

 

 

Yeah I said it, Jim Cantore would be a great president because he could get to get us to bomb the shit out of anyone white, yellow, or brown. He'd be having us wanting to skull fuck Edward Snowden to death within minutes of imploring us to take action and to heed his warnings. He'd make us want to donate to the Aryan Brotherhood for cause of fucking Bradley Manning in the ass. Fuck, he could convince us to send Bradley Manning to a South African prison just so that Manning could get raped and get AIDS. Could you imagine the ratings? We could broadcast it on HBO while Jim Cantore breaks down in detail how the 8 inch cock with Swastika tattoos has enough force to break the anal lining causing the massive surge of blood flow onto his cracker empowered balls. Let's do it, 'Murica. Lets get Jim Cantore into the white house. That way even though we are getting raped in the ass we could actually feel like it serves some purpose.

 

 

 

"Vote for me 'Murica. If you elect Hillary then rape will never be the same again and way more boring. Cantore 2016."









Religion: A Rape Mentality

I've been accused of Atheism more times in my life than Ron Jeremy has encountered strains of HPV. This is due to the fact that accusing people of being heretics is a fast track towards being labeled un-fuck-able in this secular day and age. The reason is that coming off as a religious nut job jerkoff tends to make you come off as a rapist. The truth is if you were to label me as anything it would be agnostic with an esoteric perspective. Religion never appealed to me even though as an infant I had water dripped on my forehead in a cult meeting place Catholic Church in New Jersey. For years I was baffled as to why because at first religion sounded like an awesome idea. I mean a bunch of people getting together before noon on a Sunday morning for something not involving brunch that serves free wine and crackers in small increments. Sounds pretty fucking awesome right? (If you say yes then please die of AIDS mid-aneurysm.)

As my sarcasm should reveal I am about as fond of religion as I am of porn involving bestiality and Hobbits which I am pretty sure is how the state of Kentucky was founded. I mean packs of gullible pagans imposing their will upon defenseless animals for the sake of "their precious" sounds a bit dead on doesn't it? I mean you win a war if the strategy doesn't involve some good ole fashioned rape right? (If you feel these questions as offensive then please place your reproductive organs in a garbage disposal). Just like in football, rape involves one side "pounding it in" on the other side or otherwise "penetrating their defenses" against their will. It's a rape mentality that is shrouded in the illusions of honor and prestige. That is all religion is or ever has been. It is why we can't have nice things such as a world without war or disease. As a species we love rape too fucking much especially when it involves bombing people that doesn't embrace our politically correct rape culture.

With that said religion, just like rapists, come in varieties with the same goal. So we might as well treat religions like people, don't worry corporations you aren't forgotten, so that way we can understand what kind of rapist they are in the place where you are most likely to find them and of course it is places that serve alcohol amongst other drugs that can be bought in the bathroom stalls. With out any further ado here is each religion's rape mentality in a bar:

Protestantism: First off Protestantism advertises itself via a hippie being impaled through his limbs on a cross to die a slow and agonizing death. This is what Christianity gets off on which you'd figure for most potential rape victims would be a red flag right there but just like how all rape happens you need a victim that is gullible. Since Fox News tends to be very popular it  is pretty apparent that there are plenty of people who will take a shot from this friendly, albeit creepy individual whom is more than willing to buy you a drink and tell you how such and such liberal is the Anti-Christ. Like a frat boy with a brand new Polo Shirt, hair cut that looks like it was inspired by Josef Mengele, and of course smelling of Axe Body spray, because his family taught him to be price conscious sinceslave money does come with a spending limit.

This guy will not out right pin you down and force his way in. He is too worried about the laws of his society set upon him by "those liberals". He will still have sex with someone if they think they can get away with it whether or not that person would have consented to it or not which is highly dependent on their blood alcohol content and/or whether they can slip some "faith" (GHB) in with that Jesus Juice. Protestantism is the reason why the concept of date rape exists since it is the type of faith that will drug you to get what it wants while preaching milk and honey. They also have been quoted with such lovely pearls of wisdom as the female body having the uncanny ability to shut down a pregnancy in the event of a rape.

 





"I would say that women should also enjoy it but that line was already taken."

Catholicism: Unless you have been water boarded under a rock for the past 30 year this one should be obvious and is probably walking into the bar after doing some "research" at  the Toys 'R' Us boys bathroom.

 "Dear God, please keep that boy's mouth shut unless in my presence; with merlot slightly chilled."



Islam: Afraid of being held at knife point while a guy that may or may  not have AIDS forces his way inside of you? Say hello to Islam. Yeah I know such a behavior is a symptom of a thug mentality but a thug mentality is what it takes to fly two airliners into the North and South towers of the former World Trade Center. Whom was behind it doesn't matter as much as those behind the controls of the planes. Those people wanted virgins so badly that they conditioned themselves to have zero value for human life because they wanted the pussy of virgins. All they care about is what they want and use their imaginary friend as a scapegoat just as Christians do. The only difference being that Islam is way more honest about it's intentions where as Christianity is very sneaky about it. That's because anyone that even mentions a word of criticism against Islamic dogma kind of has a habit of being murdered in a fashion that would get Jeffrey Dahmer's seal of approval.

Furthermore Islam is the type of rapist that feels that having a pink hole between your legs is enough to justify sexual misconduct. While Christianity sugar coats this perspective, Islam calls their spade a spade and wants to thrust it into the nearest Jihad receptacle.



"Say it's your body one more muthafuckin time!!!"

Atheism:  I know many of you "There's no God or anything" herds will cry foul for being on this list but any cult, even those whom talk shit about cults, in essence want to impose their will upon you in some way or form. This one just claims there is no good or bad and thus it doesn't matter what it does. This may sound logical at first. It might actually make total sense; if you are a sociopath. It did for me for awhile but logically speaking this train of thought is flawed. Atheism is the type of rapist the will leave you bewildered, confused, and traumatized without offering up a rhyme or reason. Where as the rapists known as Christianity and Islam hide behind there books, Atheists hide behind what it can sparse logic with.



"There's no God, Heaven, or Hell so it doesn't matter if there is consent or not."

Southern Baptist: While technically an off shoot of Protestantism this one deserves a section all it's own. Say hello to Islam's American foil. This type of rapist can be found chugging Mountain Dew and chain smoking Marlboro Reds in your nearest trailer park meth lab. It feels the only place for a women is the kitchen, bedroom, or of course in front of a cop and a camera man, with a fresh shiner that she is using a cold can of natty light to keep the swelling down while their lovely abode on wheels is in plain view. The only difference between it and Islam is the degree of malice and of course the fact that Baptists hate Islam almost as much as they hate homosexuals. This kind of rapist can also be found on Maury Povich claiming that he isn't the father despite the test results just because she might be into black guys. If seen in your drinking vicinity be keen on avoiding isolated areas that are out of view of security cameras.

"Is struggle snuggle a politically correct term?"

Mormonism: Not satisfied with subjugating one women to intellectual misconduct, Mormonism ups the ante by forcing itself into the minds of as many women as possible at the same because what can you do with only one slave? This is the type of rapist that wears business suits, speaks of Jesus being in Missouri, and keeping their victims women in binders. You have to keep mind rape organized now a days, especially when your belief is basically a Freemason 'Murican twist on Christianity. Quite honestly if you wanted a religion that was dead set on raping our entire species and capable of pulling it off you could probably bet the house on this one. They'll even put the winnings in an offshore account to avoid those pesky taxes which brings me too.....

Free Market Capitalism: Before you even think of rolling your eyes go look at the back of a dollar bill; I'll wait. Are you back? Good. Yes our nation is built upon the concept of keeping church and state separate and if you're smart you'll realize that the concept is more fake than Taylor Swift's personality. Where as Mormonism has sought to rape our species mentally, free-market capitalism has raped our species literally. It's the reason why we can't have nice things without mandatory arbitration agreements since fucking you over isn't enough but it also has to make it where they give you the illusion of choices except those choices are either to be rape in the ass or mouth. Just look at what happens on Black Friday and tell me that I'm wrong.



"What do you mean corporations are fucking the people against their will?"

Buddhism: I've thought long and hard about this one but honestly the very fact that Buddhists actually can practice celibacy without violating pre-pubescent boys that we know of kind of gives me hope that this one might have the right idea even though it is still technically a cult. It may stare at you creepily for hours on end; then again it might just be meditating.



"What's a tit?"

Satanism: Imagine Protestantism but instead of GHB you get shit loads of cocaine, bondage, knives, blood play, and Marilyn Manson running on a constant loop. In other words imagine Protestantism with AIDS. Actually cocaine goes for the rest besides Buddhism which denounces drug use and Islam which has opium since they need something to mellow after their daily bomb vesting Jihad.



"Passed out means consent right?"

While their methods may very just about every religion (since I don't have probable cause on Buddhism yet) in some way promotes a rape mentality. It's what makes people retarded since it fucks their minds during infancy thanks to bad parenting. Yes, parents mentally fuck their kids and they do it all the time, they just call it Santa Claus and it's why most kids are rapist cunts in the making. At least the Islamic kids grow up to provide entertainment of the explosive variety. Maybe one day parents will eventually come up with the idea of letting their kids figure shit out on their own instead of passing on their Stockholm Syndrome bred techniques.

Shifting Blame.....

So I'm sitting here pretty fucking pissed off at the moment. Here's something about me. You can say a lot of things to me, do a lot of things to me, and I'll more than likely either laugh it off, not give a shit, or if I am single find a way to charm a women close to you to sleep with me to drive you insane to no end. There are two very important things to me though that if I don't get every day when I wake up, bright and early around 2pm, that will drive me fucking insane. That's when you mess with my nicotine or my caffeine intake. I'd say money and sex but honestly those things are arbitrary by comparison. I can work an odd job and/or jerk off if I'm in a pinch even though doing both at the same time is illegal since we live in a country that is apathetic towards violence but get's a hair up it's ass when the word rim job is spoken in public. Needless to say I'm having to drink tea right now and that alone makes me want to skull fuck Harry Potter to death with Mary Poppins' umbrella.

There's this awesome invention that has come out in the past few years called the Kurig coffee maker and its awesome due to the fact that I can make a perfect cup of coffee with a process similar to putting a game cartridge into one of those 8-Bit Nintendo system that nerds rose tint like it was the  gaming console equivalent of Marilyn Monroe's snatch. Most people buy the plastic single cups, as do I, but as a back up I keep a re-usable one for when those run out so I can put coffee grounds into it. There is only one problem: THE FUCKING THING IS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND!!! Let's just say some cabinet doors have been slammed and I have said some remarks to myself that the Rothschild family probably wouldn't be fond of.

I also called the suspected individual who interfered with my coffee consumption about the whereabouts of my reusable Kurig cartridge and she basically gave me the "I don't know treatment" albeit being obsessive compulsive about anything that can go into a dish washer. When I pushed her to try and remember where it was she said "Maybe you should have remembered where you put it?". She would have been right if SHE DIDN'T MOVE THE FUCKING THING FROM WHERE I REMEMBER PUTTING IT!!!! This was nothing more than the presentation of a train of thought that has led to such atrocities as the Holocaust and Hello Kitty. You see it all the time when someone points out something logical yet contradictory to someone's opinion and their response is to use pseudo-logical to wrap it back into their cognitive dissonance and optimism. They don't care about whether their logic agrees with reality, they just agree about whether the popular opinion agrees with it or not. Let me give you a little bit of information. The popular opinion is usually wrong; just take a look at religious zealots trying to explain reality and falling flat on their face on Fox News like Megyn Kelly. I mean that bitch is so dumb she wants to bring up an debate based on race baiting based on a fictional character. Then again her entire life is based on a fictional character.

This is called circular reasoning and you see it everywhere. Almost everyone does it and it's fucking retarded. The point of any debate is to discuss contradictory perspectives with the goal of coming to a solution to an agreed upon problem. That's not what you see now a days as debates have turned into nothing more than who can be "more right". This is also fucking stupid because if a debate ends without a solution then the entire debate was utterly pointless. You would solved more by going to jerk off to Megyn Kelly's lips and how she must be so awesome at the sexual technique of "just laying there". This is what pissed Hitler off about people and made him want to take that anger out on Jews, Gypsies, Poles, Russians, homosexuals, and the disabled. Since throwing jerk offs  that argue in a circular fashion into a gas chamber isn't exactly consider kosher; thanks Hitler you dick.

In reality circular is just a method of shifting blame instead of holding yourself accountable. Hitler just wanted people to hold themselves accountable and he felt the Jews always would shift the blame towards someone else. He started to see this as a "problem" that needed a "solution". While the people of Europe and the world at large were using circular reasoning to clean up after the shit show of trench of warfare that was World War I Hitler was thinking of a way to kill the fuck out of all the people that he saw as inferior. In theory it was a novel concept, albeit pretty morbid, but in reality you can't overcome stupidity in that manner because no matter how smart you are or how many bombs you have there will always be someone dumber with more bombs that are bigger and powerful; hence why the United States, Russia, and Great Britain came out on top. Of course after all was said and the Concentration camps were "discovered" people didn't think that shifting blame might be a bad idea in a world that has psychopath's like Mr. Adolf.

The point is people are more concerned about labels than solutions. The issue with my Kurig cartridge could have been solved by some contemplation and if the person that lost it couldn't remember they could have just said so, bought another, and the problem would have been solved just like if the world could focus more on solving problems than blaming others then maybe we wont have to have another World War or Holocaust. The bottom line is that people need to stop thinking with their egos and instead think based on reality because it's pretty easy to solve shit when the you look at the evidence that's right in front of you. Even Hitler missed that part. For as anti-Semitic as he was you would have though he would have heard about how dogmatic they were towards money and maybe enslaved them to Accounting Camp? Last time I checked economics required a lot of concentration too. Way to go Hitler; Fucking idiot.