Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Stupid Fucking Sayings.....

I'm a writer. This is obvious by the fact that I spend a significant portion of my time combining words into sentences to get my thoughts across to the masses or at least the people that read this blog. In this current information age full of terms like "climate change", "twerking", "YOLO", "being jelly", "shaking it like salt shaker", and others are thrown around like used condoms from an all you can smoke meth orgy in your nearest trailer park. I'm just kidding, I highly doubt those people use condoms judging by how they shoot out slack jawed fetuses like they are trying to raise a Duck Dynasty militia. In one aspect this flood of information is beneficial, thanks to the internet, because it gives people access to information they otherwise wouldn't be privy to. It also has an unhealthy side effect because it gives bigoted jerk offs and cognitively dissonant dipshits access to information they otherwise wouldn't be privy to.

Throughout history access to information has given rise to proverbs and quotes that many see as pearls of wisdom. Some of them very well are such as, "Cash Rules Everything Around Me" by Method Man and "Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hates one another" by H.L. Mencken while others are just down right retarded. I don't mean retarded in the casual idiotic sense when someone forgets their car keys. I mean it's retarded in the bulbous-head-licking-shit-off-my-fingers-my-best-hope-is-a-career-at-Goodwill-sense. I know that sounds insensitive and I'd say that I'd care but that would just me trying to be nice and honestly I'm as nice as I am at times for the sake of limiting drama when I'm not in the mood to fuck with the silly sensibilities of the masses. I'm just not a fan of being nice to people, I think it's stupid. Jesus was wrong and he was a fictional character. With that said here is a list of such examples of ideological diarrhea and why they reek of pseudo-philosophical circular logic.

1. "You can't have your cake and eat it too.".

I've dated and been fuck buddies with plenty of bisexual chicks to know that this saying is complete and utter bullshit but for those who think a Rusty Trombone is a musical instrument let me ask you something. How the fuck can a bakery be lucrative? How does Hostess make a profit? I mean why is cake even popular in the first place?

Every day I see people in convenience stores as well as bakeries buying cakes, having them in their hands, IN THEIR FUCKING HANDS, and shoving them into their pie holes to be stored in their fat cells because we all know is about as nutritional as a vaginal discharge from a yeast infection. Just look at all the fat fucks we have in this country. Just about all those carbon based walking lava lamps have had a cake and eaten it too. I'm not talking cup cakes either and that's if we are even getting on the subject of what truly constitutes a whole cake.

Cakes are meant to be had and eaten. That's the entire point of a cake. To have it and eat it. This saying is nothing more than some half assed concoction of the privileged elite to control the masses in order to have their cake and not allow those they see as below them from eating it too. So I guess the correct saying would be, "I can have my cake and eat it too. Go to the bakery and get your own shit head."

2. "Persuasion is better than force."

Now this one sounds pretty solid intellectually; if you're an idiot. Sayings like this are why I'm glad to be what is now called an "Aspie" due to Asperger's Syndrome. If it wasn't for that I probably would have used that in some college term paper and tried to pass it off as my own original thought but since I am not wired to think in such terms I can see the idiocy of the statement plane as day. For those that can't take a second and think about it.



Done thinking about it? For those that still can't figure it out here is your answer since you aren't close enough to smack upside the head; persuasion is a form of force. This saying applies that persuasion of some benevolently gentleman behavior of allowing people to come to their own conclusions that fall directly in line with the conclusion you want them to draw. It works well for rapists and murderes not mention bankers, politicians, advertising executives, not to mention genocidal regimes. Hitler was very fucking persuasive as was Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong, and any other jerk off that used persuasion to kill off his own people.

Trying to say that persuasion isn't a force is like saying that holding a knife to a sorostitutes' throat isn't forcing them into dropping their panties. A knife to a carotid artery is very persuasive. It's also very forceful thus making persuasion a force. A more fitting saying would be "Persuasion is the best form of force".  


3. "Cleanliness is next to Godliness."

This saying can only be digested if under the assumption that there is in an all knowing, all powerful, benevolent imaginary BFF for all humanity that actually exists. For the sake of sinking this turd let's play along. Let's make believe that there really is a God that we have empirical proof of existing and that it makes Martha Stewart look like a hoarder by comparison. Also let's assume that this being goes by what we define as clean. I know it's a stretch but then again dealing with the stupidity of others is always a workout.

First off if God is a clean freak with a severe case of OCD then what the fuck is up with hurricanes? They make a huge mess don't they? If it's a force of nature and nature is one of God's tools for keeping things nice and tidy then why is he going around wrecking shit with hurricanes? Kind of counter productive isn't it? I mean what is it trying to do? Sort the colors from the whites? I mean that might explain why it allowed Hurricane Katrina to turn New Orleans to turn into a creole themed toilet reeking of anarchy for those lovely four days until enough black people died off to keep George W. Bush's handlers happy since apparently "whites" is the only apparel they appreciate. I mean that was far from clean even by India's standards. I mean was God drunk? Was it in a bad mood? Was it watching American History X and got inspired by the scene where Edward Norton made the black guy bite the curb? This is just one example to go along with numerous other "Acts of God" that goes to show that this being doesn't give a shit about how clean we are.

Then of course there is entropy or the fact that everything down to the smallest of elementary articles is going to greater points of disorder, i.e. a mess. This is a fundamental rule of nature which would have been written by this god. It actually wrote into nature's laws that messes are inevitable. Maybe God likes a mess, the weather sure seems to show that side of it's peculiar behavior. On the other hand many of us are obsessed with keeping shit clean, we build  entire companies around the idea. Maybe a better saying is, "Cleanliness is better than Godliness since that asshole loves to make a mess; if there is such an asshole that exists."

4. "What would Jesus do?"

This saying is so fucking stupid that for a moment I thought it deserved it's own article but honestly this fictional character get's too much press as is. I used to think it was just something cute that Cedric the Entertainer said in a shitty comedy because it seems like every Protestant minded African American that makes it in the entertainment business wants to be the next Bill Cosby. Jack Nicholson was right. You can guess the movie. Once again for the sake of argument that ends with this saying getting Spartan kicked into an abyss of dogma let's play along.

First off, would you base your life off of what Thor would do? Would you run around with an oversized hammer smashing everything in sight looking for anyone that appears to be the next form of Loki to prevent the Ragnarok? Would you bide your time waiting for your inevitable battle with the Jormungand? Would you refer to your father as Odin? Would you even guess that this story was just interpreted by Marvel Comics with the goal of making enough money off our obsession with fairy tales?

All any overly gullible shart stain is saying with this is that they trust the judgment of a watered down fictional character that got his environmentally friendly ass nailed to a cross that Rupert Murdoch would fund out of pocket for the sake of ratings? I mean why would you look up to a guy that was turned into an ornament for a pagan ritual in when there is another fictional one that carries a hammer? That's like looking up to JFK and yes I am about to talk some shit about Johnny Fitz. JFK was a great guy. He was smart  and seemed to genuinely care for the common wealth of the world but that is where he also fucked up. I personally don't think the Lee Harvey was acting alone on that day in Dallas where JFK figured it would be nice to ride around with the top down especially given the fact that he knew he was pissing some powerful people off. That's every president since JFK talks fondly of Fitzy but doesn't follow in his foot steps. That's why no one asks what JFK would do.

However since we seem to need some sort of fictional character to be the imaginary friend in our lives I have a great quote; two actually:

A. "What would Tony Stark do?"

Answer: "Figure it the fuck out."

B."With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility."-Uncle Ben

"Probability can appear Divine at times."
 
 
Now many of you might be saying, "You asshole, Jesus was real." Oh really? Well here is a way to solve this debate; show me a body or some other form of forensic evidence. Until then my point stands. Also let me know what kind of feed the Easter Bunny prefers while you're at it. Also stop dream of massaging Megyn Kelly's neglected pissed off clit; it's bad for you.
 
 5. "If it ain't broke, then don't fix it."

This example of still birth intellectuality comes via the same type of logic that allows the oil industry to keep giving the middle finger to humanity. It sounds perfectly genius at first, if you think bleach and steel wool is a sound treatment for ring worm, but it disregards that that whole entropy thing again. Entropy goes straight down to the plank scale, where quantum theory breaks down to quantum indeterminacy. To put it another way:

EVERYTHING EVENTUALLY BREAKS!!!!!!

To put it in another way this is like a chain smoker saying that he shouldn't quit smoking because he hasn't gotten lung cancer that is stage 4 yet. That's why mechanics love this term because they know that some dumbass will follow it blindly despite the fact that his CV joints have more wear and tear than Tara Reid.  I mean by this logic there is not point to even showering since you don't smell like a port-a-potty at Bonnaroo yet. It falls in line with the "God is a neat freak" logic i.e. it's incomplete at best. It just makes elitist pricks rich gullible cursing their imaginary friend because their vacation money just went into buying a new transmission. A much more logical line of thought, "Fix the shit before it breaks".


There are many more examples to come but what you should gather from this is anyone that tries to play the philosophical card with clich├ęd logic that can found in your nearest hallmark probably doesn't follow it themselves while hoping that you do to see if it actually works.
 


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