Thursday, February 27, 2014

Bacon vs. Fried Chicken: The New Civil War

Anyone that was born in the 80's has heard the stereotype, "Black people like fried chicken." You can say what you want about how derogatory such a saying is and honestly it is true but not in the way that you think. Saying that Black people like fried chicken is kind of like saying that Romeo had a friends with benefits situation with Juliet. It's an understatement at best yet one that leads to many white dudes getting sucker punched at Wiz Khalifa concerts; that's my theory anyway since I have never been to one of Wiz's shows never mind witnessed a white dude with the balls to say that derogatory term. I have however witnessed a bloated wanna-be "Good Ole Boy", just think Andy Griffith with a coke habit, call three black dudes a nigger straight to their faces and take a bigger ass whooping than Val Kilmer's career as of late. For the full story on that read the, "You Done Messed with the Wrong Ginger Story" (

Black people don't just like fried chicken. They don't even just love fried chicken; they worship fried chicken. I know you are probably thinking, "Whoa Frank, you are going way to far never mind how racist it sounds". You would only be half right. It is racist but it also hits the nail on the extra crispy fried head. People forget that I live in Charleston, South Carolina which is about as deep south it gets unless you head out to Walterboro or Mississippi. It's so deep south that fried chicken is more on lock here than pizza is in Italy. Shit I have probably eaten more soul food than Michael Douglass has eaten Latin pussy. It's so intertwined with Southern Culture that they might as well call it food and while white people try to do their own spins on it they will never make better lima beans, never mind fried chicken, than a 60 year old black women that can recite bible verses like DMX. Furthermore I have proof, empirical evidence if you will, that black people worship hunks of chicken meat that is battered and fried to our arteries content:

That's right muthafuckas. While I may not be a church going individual I know a place of worship when I see one; especially one where the word "Church" is right there on the damn sign plain as a Delaware day. As we all know black people love them some religion whether it be Christian, Muslim, or when it comes to the Wu-Tang Clan; Buddhism. White people just go so that they can feel vindicated for ruining the party for the rest of the world but for black people religion is the party; hence Gospel music.  What many of you don't realize is that there is a religion that we all follow; unless you listen to any of Chris Rock's stand up. That religion is money; a point perfectly articulated by Wu-Tang's, "C.R.E.A.M." (Cash Rules Everything Around Me). It's why Federal Reserve notes, "dolla dolla bills" for those that don't follow history, have "In God We Trust" on the back. Just think of them as prayer notes except it actually makes shit happen. It makes everything happen including putting a Church's Chicken near any location that people in the lower middle tax brackets go to. That's because Church's Chicken has a secret ingredient and that ingredient is poverty which is why all the "God We Trust" prayer notes go there. Black people won't go to KFC because their mascot is "The Colonel" and last time I checked the word "Colonel" brought up thoughts of cotton fields and whips.

Now what I said above is very racist, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Then again I am an equal opportunity racist which means I have white people in my bigoted crosshairs as well. We all know that black people love fried chicken but what artery clogging food do white people love? Burgers? No, burgers are pretty universal; even Russians enjoy those. Hot dogs? Nope, well maybe gay guys can make that theirs. Oh yeah, that's right:

"Just think of it as a pile of Uncle Tom. Deliciously Crispy, Cured Uncle Tom."

Bacon might as well be called, "Beyoncé", because it is every white man's kryptonite, and just like Sasha Fierce one bite will make you feel like your wood is getting rained on. Just wait till they start putting it into Starbuck's drinks, it will be the New World Order or more precisely the Bacon World Order. That's B.W.O. for all you conspiracy theory fanatics. Bacon fanaticism is already at a fever pitch now. I'm pretty sure if I did a search for "bacon scented lubricant" it would turn up a result. Actually give me two seconds so I can pull up bing. There we go:

 "When you absolutely, positively want some bacon flavor for that sandwich you shot your cheese into the night prior."

Feel like Neo when Morpheus asked him upon returning to the matrix, "Incredible, isn't it?". Of course such an epiphany won't ruin bacon for white people; nothing will. There could be a plate with strips of bacon and Kate Upton (since Kate Upton seems to be the white response to Beyoncé) trapped in a Jigsaw murderer style kill box with some white dude, any white dude, having to choose which is last thing will be in his mouth; bacon or Kate Upton's clitoris. The dude might sweat the decision but 11 time out of 10 the white dude will take the bacon. Sorry Kate, but bacon only nurtures and never complains. That's why devout Christians don't wear bomb vests but Muslim's do; bacon. It's all white people have ever needed to devote their lives to a fairy tale; if it wasn't bacon then Beyoncé and Kate Upton would both be covered in veils with no hope of twerking.
That's the thing about people, any of them will buy into bullshit for a price. As long as white people have bacon then everything will be "good" and as long as black people have fried chicken everything will be "blessed". It keeps our country at peace, no matter how segregated, because we openly permit the consumption and worship of fried chicken and bacon. They both clog up arteries and they keep the pharmaceutical industries in business as well as Weight Watchers and the Food Network. It's why Barack Obama lets everyone think he is black when he is really a mixed race Hawaiian with a lot of Jewish friends in Chicago. He gets the benefit of both worlds; the fried chicken and bacon realms if you will. He doesn't put the Jewish connection in the public eye so he can enjoy bacon and he plays the race card so he can enjoy fried chicken.

Still think he is  a Muslim? 
However this separation cannot last and there will come a day when some food franchise will start marketing bacon wrapped fried chicken on a massive scale. It will start out as something hip at first but eventually there will come a conflict over who makes "Real" bacon wrapped fried chicken and it will become another case of shit gets taken way too literally. That's right, there will be dignity spilled. It will go down in the history books as the conflict of our time and will be decided where anything that gets taken too literally gets decided; Hollywood. There will be the ambassadors of propaganda butting heads on it as George Clooney or Michael Moore will not know which way to turn. It will go up to a vote; a single vote decided by one man. One whom will be able to have an unbiased opinion since he whistles Dixie and plays the trumpet. That man is none other than:

 I know ole Billy Clits will be able to settle this debate. He isn't president anymore but with Hillary on the way in for 2016 the First Husband, or whatever the fuck his label will be, will have plenty of time to work on causes that truly matter; the integration of bacon and fried chicken into the American conscience because together China doesn't stand a chance nor does Russia. Yeah China has their take on fried chicken but it doesn't come close to anything that comes out of the Bible Belt. Russia may have bacon of some gulag sort but they couldn't fry a chicken if having James Bond's sloppy seconds depended on it.

 "They fry what in Kentucky?"