You Done Messed with the Wrong Ginger……
By Frank Andrews
Ever met that one douche bag that didn’t have one redeeming quality? He’s the type of guy that you throw around words like “Go fuck yourself”, “God Bless”, or my all time favorite “I really hope you get bitten by zombies.” Tumbleshit is one of those douche bags. This guy sucks so much at life that I him in an argument one time told that I would skull fuck him for the greater good and compared him to Det. Reno Trupo (Josh Brolin) from American Gangster, particularly they part where he played Russian Roulette with no empty chambers. However, just like Farva, douche bags such as him can serve a purpose which as you should all know by now is helping to set me up for casual sex. It’s not like these douche bags can serve any other benefit than making me look like a knight in shining armor (by comparison). The following details this douche bag got his comeuppance, how a dead on look a like for an extra from the Steven Seagal film Marked for Death got a hands demonstration on the intricacies of the rear-naked-choke, and how I hooked up with a blonde that fulfilled my Marilyn Monroe fetish.
It was a busy night at SushiBar, I was working with ClemsonFan and nothing was out of the ordinary yet. As I was outside shooting the shit with ClemsonFan and dipping on some Grizzly Wintergreen LaraCroft came outside to inform us that Tumbleshit needed to be bounced for apparently spouting racial slurs in the bar. I had been eager to fuck this guy up for a LONG time, but I never had the opportunity to because he was the type of douche bag that would talk a big game. However when push came to shove he would pull out faster than a frat boy after a sorostitute scared shit out of him with her HSV-2 diagnosis mid-stroke. The fact that he was starting shit in a bar that I happened to be working at coupled with the remote possibility of him being aggressive where I could kick his ass in self-defense was like a present on Christmas Morning that I wanted wrap with a rear-naked-choke themed bow. Lo and behold he did a shit load of bitching, but no actual acts of physical aggression towards me.
I was fucking pissed. All I wanted to do was fuck start this douche bag’s face and he was smart enough to skirt the line without actually crossing it, with me anyway. I couldn’t say the same when it came to the three black dudes he started talking shit to. Now I have never been a proponent of throwing the first punch and am a firm believer in the saying, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me” but on the same token there are some words that you just don’t say to certain people and not expect an ass whooping. This is exactly why when Tumbleshit decided to call all three of them niggers to their face I just stood there with my jaw dropped. YEA. He said the N word. IN THE SOUTH. To a group of some pretty tough looking black dudes. While outnumbered 3:1. In a town in the “Bible Belt” that happened to be where the Civil War started. That was built on old Confederate Slave Money. That still to this day is deep seeded in racial tensions whose politics revolve around those thensions. YEA, he said THAT word in THIS town. I didn’t get much time to process all of this as one of LankyDreads buddies clocked TumbleShit with a right hook that would have made Mike Tyson proud.
What did I do? Did I heroically come to TumbleShit’s aid even though he just proved himself to be the dumbest motherfucker on Earth? If you even think that for a second then you need to stop reading this. I just stood there and watched. I watched it as the rest of the group jumped in. I watched while they punching him while TumbleShit covered up like a little bitch. I didn’t do a damn thing. The reason why? He asked for it and deserved it. For all the time that I wanted to beat the shit out of him, watching karma catching up with him in the form of a g-dawg style ass whooping was WAY better. Plus it was on the side walk which is public property and, legally speaking, not my responsibility. Sushibar and IrishFratBar can use that reasoning to knowingly allow underage kids in with shitty fake ID’s, then I could use it to allow some douche bag to learn a lesson. There was only one problem which was in the form of said ass whooping coming onto the steps of SushiBar which was private property and WAS my responsibility.
Now I had a dilemma on my hands. On one hand TumbleShit royally deserved this ass whooping, but on the other hand I had to keep my job even if it was only for shitty pay and free beer. So I did what I was paid to do and attempted to break up the fight which went over about as well as Brett Favre wearing a Vikings uniform on Lambeau Field. One of LankyDread’s buddies decided that he wanted to resist as I was trying to pull him off of Tumbleshit. It got to the point where I had to put him in a rear naked choke and that’s when I felt someone BIG pulling me off of him. I instantly thought that it was one of LankyDread’s buddies who thought I was trying to back up TumbleShit (yeah I know that technically speaking I was helping him by pulling them off, but I could have done it MUCH faster if I wanted to. I figured they deserved to get a few extra shots in on Tumbleshit). I turned around getting ready to potentially clock one of his buddies. As I turned around getting ready to launch a right hook I realized it was Clemson fan pulling me off not realizing that it was me since I didn’t have my usual security shirt on.
Frank: (motioning towards LankyDread’s buddies) “GETTHEM!!!!
After this LankyDreads decided he wanted to get froggy and play the race card himself.
LankyDread’s: (trying to all G-dawg-shawty-crunk on me) “I’ll fuck y’all up. I dare one of you white boys to step up to me.”
I understood that he was obviously pissed off at TumbleShit and honestly I couldn’t blame him for wanting to fuck start his face, but at the same time you don’t fuck with a Ginger. I took two steps right up to him and LankyDreads responded by throwing a haymaker that couldn’t have hit the broad side of Rob Reiner’s fat ass. What did land though was the double leg takedown I shot on him which drove him right into a parked car. I transitioned to his back and slapped on the rear naked choke.
The combination of fear, anger, and adrenaline brought out my ghetto ginger side:
Frank: “YOU FUCKED WITH THE WRONG WHITE BOY!!!!!”
I wish I had said ginger, but I’m not as full of ginger pride as I am now. All of a sudden I noticed one of his shorter buddies coming up to me waving his hands like an NFL referee calling an incomplete pass. For a second I thought he was going to try and get froggy with me, but instead he begged me to let go of the choke on the basis of LankyDreads already being unconscious. I looked down, realized that he was limp, concurred with his assessment, and let go. Needless to say he learned his lesson about fucking with gingers. Where was Tumbleshit during all of this? He wasn’t anywhere in sight which meant that he must have ran off like a little bitch to have his girlfriend lick his wounds (BustyChesty, who was seriously fucking hot. I have no idea what the fuck she saw in him. It’s not like she was lacking in options). Who was around though was MilitaryMonroe.
I wouldn’t necessarily say that I had a crush on her, but there was just something about MilitaryMonroe that did it for me in a BIG way. I don’t know if it was her Marylyn Monroe-esque looks with her curly blonde hair, C cup tits, pretty face, or spunky personality. I just knew I wanted to stick it in her the first time I saw her walking into SushiBar. It didn’t hurt that she actually had a personality to match her looks. We always had fun when we hung out but I never had an opportunity to make a move because the only time I got to hang out with her was when I was working SushiBar. That was all about to change. You see women will tell you that they hate fighting and in a lot of ways they do. They don’t like the seeing blood and blunt force trauma (hence why the Lifetime network and MTV have so many shitty shows). On the other hand nothing turns a woman on more than an alpha male. You can have all the money in the world, but if you can’t handle yourself then that lady you have been eyeing up is about as likely to put out as Sarah Palin is to endors a planned parenthood clinic.
MilitaryMonroe saw the whole fight go down including the part where I sent LankyDreads to lala land, talked to the cop in order to explain what happened, and came walking up to her with blood oozing from my knee and a hole in my pants. YEA, it looked kind of bad ass right. All I needed to complete the proper effect was a Marlboro red and a severed head to in my hands. She was giving me “fuck me” eyes like a teeny bopper at Justin Timberlake concert. She had to leave, but said that she would call me later.
I figured “something would come up” where I wouldn’t hear from her but lo and behold right after me and ClemsonFan kicked everybody out for the night my phone started going off. I looked at my phone and it said [MilitaryMonroe’s] name on the screen that was probably made in China along with the rest of the phone (like everything is now-a-days). She was calling to ask me to come pick her up from JewelClub (which would eventually become BigKitty).and I pretty much ditched ClesmonFan on the side work, i.e. moving chairs and tables/trash, in order to haul ass down East Bay St. to pick her up. I was in the perfect ‘knight in shining armor” position and I was going to play that role to a muthafuckin T. I arrived at JewelClub where she was waiting out front for me, i.e. hint on where this was heading. She told me she got pissed off because one of her friends wanted to be cocky and brag about how he “almost” hooked up with her and put it in her ass. Guess what? Almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.
I rode her back to her car which was parked in lot next to SushiBar. We shot the shit for a about 20 minutes and then I told her how I felt about her. YEA, GINGERS ACTUALLY HAVE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS. Next thing I knew we were making out and ClemsonFan just happened to be walking by as this all went down. He gave me this shit eating grin that only a Clemson fan could (and is awesome when it has been getting wiped off by my Gamecocks in November). MilitaryMonroe told me to call her when I got off work. I asked ClemsonFan what side work was left and I did it faster than a meth head on mission, called her, and was hauling ass across town while being careful as to not speed by any cops in downtown or North Charleston. Not just because I didn’t want to get a speeding ticket (I have had plenty of those already), but because I didn’t want to get slowed down from getting this notch on my belt. I’ll be honest; she was an actual mountain that I wanted to conquer. She had been my Lombardi trophy which I was going to snatch up even if I had to hop in the air and glue it to my helmet with my free hand just to rub it in Bill Bellicheck’s face.
I arrived at her apartment complex, knocked on her door; she opened it and basically dragged me to her bedroom while telling me, “You’re going to be my little secret.” So how was the sex? Pretty awesome besides the fact that my knee was still busted open and when we got done the bed had looked like it was used for a blood orgy at the Manson residence. My favorite part was when I was slamming her from the missionary position and she looked me dead in the eyes:
MilitaryMonroe: “I WANT TO BE ON TOP.”
Wouldn’t you let her?
She got on top and pounded me like my dick it was a UFC welterweight and her G-Spot was George St. Pierre. We did everything except for ramming her brown eye and anything that you would see in a German shyster film. Overall some of the best sex in my life which I still jerk off to the thought of regularly. The following morning we woke up. I left with a huge smile on my face. You hardly ever hook up with someone that you have ACTUALLY WANTED to hook up with. I wanted to hook up with MilitaryMonroe, I got the opportunity to, and I did it. For one night I was Babe Ruth minus the love handles and Bronx whores. All it took was Tumbleshit pulling the race card followed by LankyDreads pulling the same card (welcome to Charleston) out of the deck on me since he apparently though all white people think alike which might be true, but he forgot one thing. I’m not a white person, I’m a ginger. As LankyDread’s learned: Don’t fuck with a ginger, we don’t have souls or care about consequences, and we will always come out on top and rub it your face like Deion Sanders.