Monday, January 27, 2014

Who is me?

A world of snowflakes that are unique,

Individuality is the word of what they speak,


They say "you don't know me"......

Shit, I can't even contemplate such a thing of myself like a wanna-be...


Bragging, shouting, bitching about,

Womp! Womp! is all these characters say in times of doubt,

Why do bitches forego the plan B and allow these tools out?


This goes through my head as I wonder my place,

In this place and time of NSA and an information arms race,


Fear of a Skynet seems to be the flow of the grains,

What idiocy this is that gives my mind aches and pains,

They think nuts and bolts could fuck shit up more than the Dick Cheneys or John McCains,

All the do is step in front of the cameras to complain,

While Obama don't even give a shit either since he signed the NDAA,



They think of how to kill this man named Snowden,

When they can't even keep the DOW from drowning,

Sometimes I think they are just waiting to reap something of their plowing,


Who is me?

Who is me?

This I ask myself,

As time goes on this definition seems more clouded in doubt,


Many a follower of Halmark say answers come in time,

The more I live it seems as though these fools are just preaching one big lie,


The true me seems to become more and more obscure,

A feeling that words of wisdom and serendipity seem unable to cure,

It's gotten to the point where I can't clear my mind while getting a blow job that would make many a poser's toes curl,


My mind is consumed in thought,

Even when the sex is on the level that many would have to deny they bought,


For me sex is nothing more than dropping a squat,

For the posers it offers just as much thrill as getting shot,

I now spend my days wondering if there is such a thing as a real me or not,


What is a real me?

Would I ever find serenity if such a thing were to be?

Or would I just sing about a sweet land tis of thee?


This world consumed in drama,

And the best they can do is complain about some actor named Obama,

And cheer while Peyton Manning screams about "Omaha",


Maybe that is why my mind is so filled with doubt,

Because I am surrounded by people that find dumb shit to brag and bitch about....



Monday, January 20, 2014

"Morals" and if STD's were people...

Guy Morals...

I was talking to a certain person that I know. I'm not going to say names. No hints; no bread crumbs. He has recently gotten out if a long term relationship of 7 years and this was the first girl he fucked a girl he met in high school. There is a reason why such a thing is called "puppy love" and it's because it forms relationships based on being naïve. Wanna-be Halmark jerkoffs make it sound all cute and fuzzy but in reality it just leads to a bunch of misery under a viel pseudo-happiness that keeps the pharmaceutical industry happy by hooking you on opiates or as they call them "anti-depressants".
These also tend to be the type of people that complain about Obamacare yet want a "controlled air strike with no boots on the ground" in Syria. They complain about a lack of privacy yet always want to delve into the business of others. They want "less government" yet want "secure borders". They also think that corporations are people and lets be honest; if they were people they would be the type that would drug you before selling you into the sex trade in China. Instead they want to talk about "morals" These people are the reason why I'd love for Pat Robertson and Nancy Grace to die via a firing squad of 12 year olds from Sierra Leone and South Sudan pulling the triggers.

Sorry to get off point but when it comes to a potential mate there are things that I would like to determine before I even get to this whole "morals" thing that these ideological twats love to expel out of their authoritative pie holes. As we all know rich dumb twats have an annoying habit of turning into dumb twat politicians. If there are such a thing as "morals" then these are it:

1. Does she have nice tits?

Tits are very important to guys. There might be some guys that consider themselves "tit" guys and some that consider themselves "ass" guys. Shit my dad considered himself a "legs" guy and he pointed that out despite the fact that my mom is easily a D-cup. I mean shit, if it wasn't for the fact that I came out of my mom's vagina I'd probably want to go into it. At the age of 55, as of this writing, she still looks she is in her mid 30's; easily a MILF. It's an Oedipus Complex, every guy has one; Alexander the Great was just famous for it.

Without at least some semblance of fatty tissue on your chest ladies you are going to have  an apple bottom that would make Nicki Minaj look boney or dick sucking skills that could put Black and Decker out of business.

 
"Congratulations, you have officially passed the First Round."



2. Does she have a nice ass?

An ass is also very important. To be dateable it definitely helps to have both but for a no strings attached situation you really only need one or the other. The more your glutes look donkalicious the more likely a guy will be interested in sweating on your face while getting ready to cum on it. If you are not down with cum on your face then you aren't dateable to any guy worth a shit. You might get a guy with money but at the same he'll be able to afford a chick that will do what you won't on the side. I know it's not fair ladies but it's the same reason why there hasn't been a female president yet. Men are used to embarrassment on their face and if women want the same power they need to be prepared for the same responsibility. Besides, it's not like we are intentionally aiming for your eyes. We don't care about our aim that much unless it's Grand Theft Auto or being on a deployment in Iraq; that or living in Baltimore.

 
"Now that's something you can get a twerk on with.."

3. Do I want to punch her in the face 30 seconds after she opens her mouth?

I don't condone violence but I do condone dumb bitches shutting the fuck up. I have lost count of how many times my dick went from tomahawk missile to linguine because some chick wanted to talk about some Sarah McLachlan commercial that made her feel bad about her Golden retriever contracting AIDS or whatever she has made her career off of. If you like animals that's great, so do I, but saying such a statement while talking about how you love veal will make me say something to offend you on purpose, like skull fucking kittens, so that I can move to the next bitch that might let me pleasure her cunt. Your opinions aren't going to change the world or clean up Fukushima. Want to impress me and turn me on at the same time? Talk about particle physics or the Information Loss Paradox. That will get me ready to bust harder than neutrinos becoming superfluid at the singularity of a black hole. Am I the only one that understands the Big Bounce theory?

 
"Just think of this face before you say or do anything stupid ladies; or just ask Rihanna."


4. Is she down to fuck?

This might be important solely for the fact if you aren't down to fuck, ladies, then we simply have no interest in anything you say; ever. We might tell you what you want to hear but that is solely for the hope that'll you'll shut the hole that obviously won't come anywhere near our dick. If your mouth won't communicate with our manipulative small head, never mind the other holes, then we simply don't care. You are about as useful to us as a Ferrari owned by some 50 year old elitist cock with a comb over. Yes, that is me objectifying women that don't put out because women that don't put out are only objects to look at that speak dumb slut English. If you want us to care enough to get to know you then you need to loosen up and let us in ladies. Not all of us are pending rapists or will post your topless photos on their blog.

All of my friends have been female merely for the fact that the requirement to be a friend with me is to fuck me which rules out guys since I'm straight. Guys can be acquaintances at most since honestly what self respecting stud would want to hang out with people that they wouldn't want to fuck unless their is weed or beer involved? Beer and weed is acquaintance worthy but only sex can make you friend worthy. Pussies get "friend zoned", studs get "friends with benefits".

 
 


5. Is the fucking the only thing worthwhile?

Now with the previous statement I said before people might be shocked by my next bit of logic: Personality is HIGHLY IMPORTANT. If you have the intellectual depth of kiddie pool then all you are good for is going balls deep. You're just as much a masturbatory aid to us as internet porn, a lubricated hand (if you're a pussy), and moistened paper towel. You're a fleshlight with tits that we have to feed in the morning. Well we don't have, to but I at least try to be a gentlemen with my booty calls. It helps them come back for more so that I don't have to hit up craigslist or a downtown Charleston bar to look for next flesh tube to stuff with my slight above average size uncircumsized Ginger cock.

Breakfast time is usually where we decide the pros and cons of fucking you. If you play your cards right ladies then you might be the only women we ever want to fuck again ever; statistically it's not likely but anomalies do happen. If you come off to us as annoying or offensive, because do have feelings and shit, then the next time you text us we will probably be "busy", i.e. we are communicating with a chick that we would rather fuck instead of you. In other words check the Miley and Beyoncé diva complexes at the door. We want someone to talk to, not someone looking to make an ideological statement.

 




Are STD's people?

If there is such a things as guy morals, that are actually followed, then those are it. Anything else a guy claims is either to get into your pants or to get you to leave them alone. If you do let a guy into your pants though then it's not all bacon and whiskey; anyone that isn't a virgin will back me up on that one if they have brain cells. Herpes, HPV (which you have already if you are reading this), Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Crabs, Chlamydia, HIV/AIDS, Child Support, relationships, are all cock blocking agents that we have to dodge in our sexual Matrix.

When you really think about it STD's are a lot like people themselves. Don't agree with me? Fuck you since you are also probably the type that thinks corporations are people while gossip about the last song based Taylor Swift making a profit off of embarrassing ex boyfriends that she blue balled yet give guys like me shit for embarrassing women by hooking up with them and posting the play-by-play online. In reality STD's are every bit as much a person as you and have more personality. So, let's start with one that we all know about and of course I am talking about herpes:

Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV)

Herpes is that crazy ex-girlfriend that you want to forget but always pops up to remind you in excruciating detail when it's least convenient. It's pretty high up on the cock blocking heirarchy since it is also a very persistent cunt that always hides when your immune system goes into seek and destroy mode only to pop up again when that hot bitch is sexting you with the subtlety of a Land Rover rolling over your head. It's like it goes through your cell phone and is like, "WHO DA FUCK IS EVA???? FUCK THAT SHIT, YOU STAYING IN AND WATCHING NETFLIX TONIGHT MUTHAFUCKA." In other words Herpes is Left Eye from TLC's ghost.



Human Papilloma Virus (HPV)

Like I said before, if you are reading this or haven't lived in a bubble your whole life then you have already run into this introverted, shy HPV that has really dark side if genetics are not on your side. For most people HPV is just a drifter casually passing through that stops by everyone's body sooner or later. Truly the only way to dodge it is by being shot directly from your mom's vagina directly a self contained bubble and staying there for the rest of your life; just look at the CDC statistics.  It affects everybody without most people realizing it, like a good psychopath, except for a wart here and there; also like a good psychopath. For some people though HPV is a stone cold serial killer that likes to kill you slowly and painfully with it's weapon of choice; cancer. The most notorious cancer being cervical cancer. Luckily there are safeguards that keep this psychopathic shit away in the form of a vaccine called Gardasil. Take the shot ladies so that way you can have your uterus soaked without have to worry about it being eaten away after.

Syphilis

Syphilis is like a crack head going through withdrawals. This first time it shows up it looks unattractive and non threatening while just asking some help in getting it's fix, in this case Penicillin, but if not fed it will come back in increasingly more destructive ways until it drives you nuts and kills your ass because you didn't give it what it wanted; that penicillin which kills it. Let's be honest, all crack heads want to die from a fix.

Gonorrhea

Gonorrhea is basically a pissed off feminist that only wants men to feel the burning searing pain of their presence. Men will feel that burning, imagine pissing out sulfuric acid, while women won't feel shit unless they actually get checked out for it. Some may feel pain during intercourse or urinating but that's probably due to the fact that those are the type of women that feminist hate and by that I mean they don't mind cooking or giving blow jobs.


HIV/AIDS

Remember what I said about herpes being Left Eye from TLC's ghost. Well HIV/AIDS is her IF you marry the bitch after having a little too much fun down in the Red Light district. Not only will it cock block you for life but it will also kill yo ass if you don't have a lucrative J-O-B. The might as well nick name bitches like this "Vince Carter" because once it starts Slam Dunking on your parade "IT'S OVA!!!".

Kids/Child Support

Welcome to the most miserable cunt you can run into this side of Hitler. HIV/AIDS might kill your ass but this cream of the tyrannical crop will make you miserable to the point that you might be inclined to swallow a hollow point yourself while it goes on to hook another fool for 18 years. Fuck Shit, Ruin Shit, Repeat. That's Child Support motto.









Saturday, January 18, 2014

The Roid-stapo...

To the gym I go,
Twice a day so I don't have to feel guilty about eating a ho-ho,

To look better without a shirt is all I want,
It helps give me confidence when I am out looking to slay some cunt,

I ride to the gym blasting my beats to get my testosterone high,
Some espresso is alls I need to fly,
Unlike some the gym is not ride or die,
Just something to help my heart get by,

I pull into the parking lot knowing I am about to do a workout that a bath of Epsom salt will have to sooth,
I grab my head phones so I can like it to my phone using this dope shit called Bluetooth,

I grab my car keys that has the card to check in with which I swipe,
The skinny muthafucka at the desk give me a look like he is Blade played by Wesley Snipes,

I walk to the locker room while noticing how much the joint is packed,
That's ok since the cardio is lined with honeys whose racks are mighty stacked,
Much better to look at than oily skinned mofos wear Muscle Pharm like they were threatened with getting whacked,
Hopefully these jerkoffs will mind their business and stay the fuck back,

I throw off my work shirt and boots,
Obviously the pants come off too,
As I hear Miley on the sound system which makes me want a hollow point to blow my brain threw,
Shit that bitch doesn't even have an ass worth a Mountain Dew,

I thrown on my b-ball shorts and quicksilver t-top,
And lace on my Under Armour sneakers that my home girl that was on sale during a shop,

I throw on my head phones with a look of daring,
and crank up the volume on the head phones that has Young Buck blaring,
as I leaver the locker room with a bearing,

Today is shoulders,
Despite it being Monday which means chest for all the posers,
Especially this one prick that smells like he hasn't showered since the Sopranos been over,

As I begin to do my over head press,
He comes over barking because my form is a point of his stress,
I give him a look like his personality is a mess,
He walks off like my presence is nothing to bless,

All I have to say if this guy is a bitch you wish to aspire too,
The funny thing is that Hitler is someone else that many a twat admired through and through,
Leave me the fuck alone is all I wish you would do,

But I do wonder what is this form he speaks of,
As blood looks like it is about to hit the mat from above,
They form so many dots on the back of his wife beater it makes me wonder if I could draw a dove,

He has his boys whose muscles also bulge,
Hooking with skinny white chicks and winning a fight their dreams indulge,
Their personalities are quite see through,

That's when it hits me what this form is of which they claim to move with and use,
It's actually quite obtuse,

It just requires putting together two and two,

The sum is some bending over,
While a prick goes into their ass like meat loaf in an oven from Marie Stover,

A steroid needle I mean,
As these guys don't have the game to make Anderson Cooper's eyes beam,

All the have is their fucking juice,
As they can't even land the chicks that reek of being loose,

Enjoy your metal and protein,
Because when I'm done with this workout I'm going to your honey's house; she suck my dick clean....





Gays vs Fags

I'm a straight guy. I have never been confused about my sexual orientation and have never had anything that has raised any questions to the contrary. On the other hand I do consider myself an open minded individual and realize that everyone is wired differently due to genetics and I do fully believe that homosexuality and bisexuality is something you are born with. I would say Fred Phelps could lick my asshole after a bowel movement post-dining out at an all you can eat Indian buffet but the fact that he is so adamant in his hatred towards homosexuality makes me think that he is more than likely a closeted homosexual whom would take me up on it; if I wasn't already 11 years past puberty. Now don't get me wrong as this is not going to be some other retarded rant on how gays should enjoy the same rights to marriage or whatever. The Supreme Court already decided that shit and I think it was about time. Same sex couples have a right to enjoy the frustration joy that is monogamy as any other American or human being for that matter.

This is more about an ongoing annoyance that has risen about this issue or more specifically a word and yes it is the word "faggot". Chris Rock once said that there was a difference between black people and niggers. Well the same thing applies to individuals that find joy in the entry of cock into asshole since they are wired to feel that a vagina brings too much variety into the issue. I have no problem with gay guys but I do have a huge issue with faggots. First off though I think we need two examples so that people can understand where this issue lies.

 
 
 
If you have watched TV for any stretch of time then you know that the guy pictured above is none other than Anderson Cooper. He is a journalist whom has won a Peabody Award (Neil Patrick Harris can't even claim that shit) as well as a self identified homosexual. He likes cock as any gay or bisexual man does but he doesn't define himself by it. Many wouldn't have even guessed it or had a reading on their proverbial "gay-dars" until he sent an email to Andrew Sullivan in 2012. This is an excerpt:
 
"I’ve also been reminded recently that while as a society we are moving toward greater inclusion and equality for all people, the tide of history only advances when people make themselves fully visible. There continue to be far too many incidences of bullying of young people, as well as discrimination and violence against people of all ages, based on their sexual orientation, and I believe there is value in making clear where I stand.
 
The fact is, I’m gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.

I have always been very open and honest about this part of my life with my friends, my family, and my colleagues. In a perfect world, I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business, but I do think there is value in standing up and being counted. I’m not an activist, but I am a human being and I don’t give that up by being a journalist."


He identifies himself as a human being. One that likes cock but a human being nonetheless. It's just who he is and he doesn't try to embellish it or make it as something more than it is. Even though I have never met the guy or had a drink with him, and yes I would have a drink with him simply due to the fact that I think he is one of the few legit journalists that still has a genuine voice in mainstream media, I am pretty sure that it would take more than having a preference for cock to have a chance at hooking up with Anderson Cooper. In reality you would probably have to spark some chemistry with him on an intellectual level just like how I have had to for the women I've given the Big O to in my life. It takes some serious game to hook up with Anderson Cooper.


Now the flamboyant fellow above is none other than Freddy Mercury of the Band "Queen". Their music was famous and had plenty of artistic merit. "Bohemian Rhapsody" never really got a rise out of me but "Stone Cold Crazy" was pretty dope. Freddy Mercury was a gifted musician that loved cock. He was also the textbook definition of what you would call a "faggot". Guys like him is why AIDS spread like it did during the 80's because he couldn't keep his cock in his pants for long enough to get a last name. This is how he got HIV/AIDS himself. It sucks that it happened to him as it does for anyone that has died from or suffers from this disease but at the same time his flamboyant, promiscuous lifestyle played a role in it. Those are just facts just like the fact that he can be labeled with such a label.

He's the guy that other fags aspire to when they try to "convert' straight guys as such a behavior is symptomatic of being a faggot. When they can't "convert" you they accuse you of being a homophobe and that you don't know if you are gay until you try it. There was actually a faggot that actually tried this line of logic on me and didn't even realize that I worked at a gym despite me having told him plenty of times during conversations when I was watching the door. I knew I wasn't gay from that very job alone since part of my job was going into the men's locker room in order to change out towels; this meant I saw plenty of naked guys in the nude. Fuck, my own boss, male boss, whom is also a long time friend of mine saw me naked as I hopped out of the shower this one time and guess what. No erection, no erotic thoughts, no confusion, no awkwardness, nothing. That's what happens in men's locker rooms; sometimes guys see you naked. Erections on the other hand might raise some questions.

Faggots are basically the kinds of homosexuals that you have to worry about slipping you a date rape drug so that they can "give you a ride home". Just as in the same a way a nigger would hold a chick at knife point just to say to "bust a nut" or why a cracker like Strom Thurmond would hook up with a black chick and yet deny the baby wasn't his so that he wouldn't lose the White Protestant vote (those are the "crackers" by the way my brown skinned friends).

Black guys, white guys, gay guys, and anyone else that can be slapped with a label only become that label when they give into it. They only settle for being characters in this freak show that we call our reality. With all the derogatory labels presented I have a much better one for such individuals that decide to give into and act accordingly to a preconceived stereotype; JERKOFFS. Want to know why? Because they are only good for the entertainment that you can yank one out to before going back to shit that matters like keeping these jerkoffs from ruining this world for the people that actually give a shit for others outside themselves. At least they aren't as bad as Politicians, Bankers, Lobbyists, Oil Execs, The Saudi Royal Family or The Bush Family.


Friday, January 17, 2014

Math...

The source of much ire,
Math is something the brightest play with to aspire,

Most run our world based on fairy tales from books,
Math tells us our reality itself may be one filled with many kooks,
The suppression of such study is the behavior of all the crooks,
They care not to take second or third looks,

Many a fairy tale I look to string,
Because those in power want to decide of what we should laugh and sing,

I know not in which solace we can bath,
I just know it's in the math,
Hopefully my species will eventually get on that path,

The language of our reality many whom understand it they say,
Maybe visitors from another realm will come with questions on a random day,
And we will have more to say than just, "Que?"

If that day does ever come,
Maybe those who understand it will keep the idiots mum,

As of this moment right now,
Math is the only thing that can truly make us bow,

For those that would rather figure it out,
Maybe they can help us so our ignorance doesn't doom us in a rout....

Strings....

Strings conceive the perceptions of my reality,
Many a dogma tried to deny this proudly,

They make up more shit than an atom;
At least they are more honest than those who tell stories of Eve and this jerk off named Adam,

Many a genius spend their nights trying to figure them out,
Hopefully powerful men will listen to them before the time we have runs out,
Maybe then controlling time will be another thing for my species to brag about,
Otherwise there never may be evidence for anyone else to find of how much we thought we were stout,

Strings, your vibrations make up my day,
No matter what the powerful and bitter old men say,
All they can do is kneel and pray,
How dumb it is that they think this is a game that can be played,

Then again Strings will have no need to care,
Just another symphony they will bear,

That's the thing about strings and gravity,
They conduct the entertainment that many atone to and testify soundly,

Fermions, Leptons, Bosons, and Quarks,
Clouds of probability they are as Planck would Bark,
"My God does not play Dice!" was shouted as Einstein wanted to remain stark,
A theory to unify their thoughts would make our future appear less dark,

Strings you make up my reality,
As well as allow me to see running backs get annihilated by Jadaveon Clowney,

So this is what I will say,
Let's let go of all our conflicts and war game,
Maybe then this can be a reality where it is safe to play......

The Paleo Workout

Everyone talks about the Paleo Diet but no one talks about the Paleo Workout so here it is, The Paleo Workout:

1. Move to Africa or just into a heavily wooded area minus any clothing whatsoever or any belongings for that matter. No IPhone, No Toothpaste, no laptop, no tablet, no red bull, and most importantly; no Starbucks. This is about proper form.

2. Find shelter. You ain't going to be able to shed those pounds if you die from hypothermia.

3. Build a fire. I can tell you how to build one but since you want to live like a caveman and be faithful to the lifestyle then that means figuring it the fuck out.

4. Look for lots of bugs. They are easy protein and will keep you going in times near starvation.

5. Walk around the woods when the weather is bearable and look for big game.

A. If you find big game and don't have a sharp stick: RUN FOR YO MUTHAFUCKIN LIFE!!!! This will help to get your cardio in and as we all know sprints are effective cardio.

B. If you find big game with a stick: Chase that son of a bitch down and stab it to death with that big stick. This will work both your aerobic and anaerobic conditioning not to mention having plenty of protein for the week. You will also need to find a source of salt to preserve what you don't eat so that protein can last you for a few weeks.

Repeat these steps for the rest of your life and avoid all signs of civilization and cell phone towers. This way you will be able to fully enjoy the Paleo lifestyle.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Interracial in Dixie...

I like me a bitch with a badonokadonk to bear,
I like to rock that shit like it's December 31st at Times Square,
I like it when she move it up and down, side to side,
It makes my blood rush down south like a waterslide,
In that mind,
It goes, "Oh my, Oh my"
I like their tones in variety,
Even if that preference makes the trust fund twats question my sobriety,
I care not what they think,
In my mind it's less competition that I gots to sink,
It makes me want to buy them a drink,
And to see if I can charm them into making those panties sink,
I live in a town of Haterz,
Ironically they live off money that was made by people who enslaved those that they call spear shakerz,
They talk this and that bout their 'Murica,
But yet they don't think about their bigotry to give their mind a eureka,
That's fine in this Holy City in which has many a fool say duh,
Because they missing out on a good time with this bad bitch from Chicago by the name of E--VA,
For mixing of the lines of the blood they subliminally are programmed to say nay,
For this the horizons of their mind they are afraid to expand a stray,
Maybe this will change one day,
And they will realize the off-white ladies can be more fun than GTA.....

Scary Movies....

I'm some dumb white chick,
I felt that it would be a good idea to go hiking with some white prick,
We had to ride through a town inhabited by white hicks,
My biggest fear would be that I would get bitten by some fucking ticks,

We brought some camping equipment,
Fuck I even brought some mushrooms because I figured it would be a time to experiment,

Lo and behold,
This trip is not turning what my friends told,
No one told me there would be a masked psychopath with a knife trying to grab ahold,
I really do miss the Glock .40 that I sold,

This is what I get for trying to be like a hippie,
A run for my life that makes me yearn for safety in a jiffy,

I wish I had spent some money on lessons in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu,
Instead of wasting my dough on a fucking Shit-zu,
Who knows what I will do,
I just hope my dumb ass can survive to hear the question, "Who tried to kill you?",

Why did we even come to this place?
It's not like I can even watch Fox News or Nancy Grace,

I guess if I make I will stop having a preference,
Especially when my clit needs a reference,
Maybe I'll finally hook up with that dish washer whom always talks about his homeboy Terrance,
This is why I need to stop talking to my white friends about getting my head some clearance,

At least then I'd have a man out here with a big, fat cock,
As well as one that keeps his gats locked and stocked.......



A Plumber's Life

A Plumber's Life

Pubes and Tubes,...
My sacrifice for boobs,

I spend my days gagging,
So I can spend my nights bragging,

My days at work might be stressing,
But the money I can save up to buy my girl some fake boobs with is a blessing,

It has a lot in common with porn,
because one day it may make me scream at some test results with scorn,

That's because my day involves being at risk of catching Hepatitis C,
As well as HIV,

It's all worth it though since you let me make you roar like Beyoncé,
In return for buying a plane ticket so you can see your folks in Milwaukee,

I know that my job isn't as fun as slaying 10's in front of a camera,
But it made it so I could buy drinks for the 10 that gave me a blow job in Tampa,

I may never get followers on my Twitter account,
But I'll still be privy to the fun of hearing a horny chick's sound,

I know for many playa's this might sound like a retarded retort,
But then again who cares when I know both that your home girl and side bitch squirt,

This is not meant to start a battle,
It's only said to make your brain rattle,

However I can handle your shit and tricks;
My days involve dodging it like Neo from the Matrix

So in closing shit may consume my days,
But at least it makes it were I can enjoy ladies that keep that shit shaved.....

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Stupid Fucking Sayings.....

I'm a writer. This is obvious by the fact that I spend a significant portion of my time combining words into sentences to get my thoughts across to the masses or at least the people that read this blog. In this current information age full of terms like "climate change", "twerking", "YOLO", "being jelly", "shaking it like salt shaker", and others are thrown around like used condoms from an all you can smoke meth orgy in your nearest trailer park. I'm just kidding, I highly doubt those people use condoms judging by how they shoot out slack jawed fetuses like they are trying to raise a Duck Dynasty militia. In one aspect this flood of information is beneficial, thanks to the internet, because it gives people access to information they otherwise wouldn't be privy to. It also has an unhealthy side effect because it gives bigoted jerk offs and cognitively dissonant dipshits access to information they otherwise wouldn't be privy to.

Throughout history access to information has given rise to proverbs and quotes that many see as pearls of wisdom. Some of them very well are such as, "Cash Rules Everything Around Me" by Method Man and "Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hates one another" by H.L. Mencken while others are just down right retarded. I don't mean retarded in the casual idiotic sense when someone forgets their car keys. I mean it's retarded in the bulbous-head-licking-shit-off-my-fingers-my-best-hope-is-a-career-at-Goodwill-sense. I know that sounds insensitive and I'd say that I'd care but that would just me trying to be nice and honestly I'm as nice as I am at times for the sake of limiting drama when I'm not in the mood to fuck with the silly sensibilities of the masses. I'm just not a fan of being nice to people, I think it's stupid. Jesus was wrong and he was a fictional character. With that said here is a list of such examples of ideological diarrhea and why they reek of pseudo-philosophical circular logic.

1. "You can't have your cake and eat it too.".

I've dated and been fuck buddies with plenty of bisexual chicks to know that this saying is complete and utter bullshit but for those who think a Rusty Trombone is a musical instrument let me ask you something. How the fuck can a bakery be lucrative? How does Hostess make a profit? I mean why is cake even popular in the first place?

Every day I see people in convenience stores as well as bakeries buying cakes, having them in their hands, IN THEIR FUCKING HANDS, and shoving them into their pie holes to be stored in their fat cells because we all know is about as nutritional as a vaginal discharge from a yeast infection. Just look at all the fat fucks we have in this country. Just about all those carbon based walking lava lamps have had a cake and eaten it too. I'm not talking cup cakes either and that's if we are even getting on the subject of what truly constitutes a whole cake.

Cakes are meant to be had and eaten. That's the entire point of a cake. To have it and eat it. This saying is nothing more than some half assed concoction of the privileged elite to control the masses in order to have their cake and not allow those they see as below them from eating it too. So I guess the correct saying would be, "I can have my cake and eat it too. Go to the bakery and get your own shit head."

2. "Persuasion is better than force."

Now this one sounds pretty solid intellectually; if you're an idiot. Sayings like this are why I'm glad to be what is now called an "Aspie" due to Asperger's Syndrome. If it wasn't for that I probably would have used that in some college term paper and tried to pass it off as my own original thought but since I am not wired to think in such terms I can see the idiocy of the statement plane as day. For those that can't take a second and think about it.



Done thinking about it? For those that still can't figure it out here is your answer since you aren't close enough to smack upside the head; persuasion is a form of force. This saying applies that persuasion of some benevolently gentleman behavior of allowing people to come to their own conclusions that fall directly in line with the conclusion you want them to draw. It works well for rapists and murderes not mention bankers, politicians, advertising executives, not to mention genocidal regimes. Hitler was very fucking persuasive as was Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong, and any other jerk off that used persuasion to kill off his own people.

Trying to say that persuasion isn't a force is like saying that holding a knife to a sorostitutes' throat isn't forcing them into dropping their panties. A knife to a carotid artery is very persuasive. It's also very forceful thus making persuasion a force. A more fitting saying would be "Persuasion is the best form of force".  


3. "Cleanliness is next to Godliness."

This saying can only be digested if under the assumption that there is in an all knowing, all powerful, benevolent imaginary BFF for all humanity that actually exists. For the sake of sinking this turd let's play along. Let's make believe that there really is a God that we have empirical proof of existing and that it makes Martha Stewart look like a hoarder by comparison. Also let's assume that this being goes by what we define as clean. I know it's a stretch but then again dealing with the stupidity of others is always a workout.

First off if God is a clean freak with a severe case of OCD then what the fuck is up with hurricanes? They make a huge mess don't they? If it's a force of nature and nature is one of God's tools for keeping things nice and tidy then why is he going around wrecking shit with hurricanes? Kind of counter productive isn't it? I mean what is it trying to do? Sort the colors from the whites? I mean that might explain why it allowed Hurricane Katrina to turn New Orleans to turn into a creole themed toilet reeking of anarchy for those lovely four days until enough black people died off to keep George W. Bush's handlers happy since apparently "whites" is the only apparel they appreciate. I mean that was far from clean even by India's standards. I mean was God drunk? Was it in a bad mood? Was it watching American History X and got inspired by the scene where Edward Norton made the black guy bite the curb? This is just one example to go along with numerous other "Acts of God" that goes to show that this being doesn't give a shit about how clean we are.

Then of course there is entropy or the fact that everything down to the smallest of elementary articles is going to greater points of disorder, i.e. a mess. This is a fundamental rule of nature which would have been written by this god. It actually wrote into nature's laws that messes are inevitable. Maybe God likes a mess, the weather sure seems to show that side of it's peculiar behavior. On the other hand many of us are obsessed with keeping shit clean, we build  entire companies around the idea. Maybe a better saying is, "Cleanliness is better than Godliness since that asshole loves to make a mess; if there is such an asshole that exists."

4. "What would Jesus do?"

This saying is so fucking stupid that for a moment I thought it deserved it's own article but honestly this fictional character get's too much press as is. I used to think it was just something cute that Cedric the Entertainer said in a shitty comedy because it seems like every Protestant minded African American that makes it in the entertainment business wants to be the next Bill Cosby. Jack Nicholson was right. You can guess the movie. Once again for the sake of argument that ends with this saying getting Spartan kicked into an abyss of dogma let's play along.

First off, would you base your life off of what Thor would do? Would you run around with an oversized hammer smashing everything in sight looking for anyone that appears to be the next form of Loki to prevent the Ragnarok? Would you bide your time waiting for your inevitable battle with the Jormungand? Would you refer to your father as Odin? Would you even guess that this story was just interpreted by Marvel Comics with the goal of making enough money off our obsession with fairy tales?

All any overly gullible shart stain is saying with this is that they trust the judgment of a watered down fictional character that got his environmentally friendly ass nailed to a cross that Rupert Murdoch would fund out of pocket for the sake of ratings? I mean why would you look up to a guy that was turned into an ornament for a pagan ritual in when there is another fictional one that carries a hammer? That's like looking up to JFK and yes I am about to talk some shit about Johnny Fitz. JFK was a great guy. He was smart  and seemed to genuinely care for the common wealth of the world but that is where he also fucked up. I personally don't think the Lee Harvey was acting alone on that day in Dallas where JFK figured it would be nice to ride around with the top down especially given the fact that he knew he was pissing some powerful people off. That's every president since JFK talks fondly of Fitzy but doesn't follow in his foot steps. That's why no one asks what JFK would do.

However since we seem to need some sort of fictional character to be the imaginary friend in our lives I have a great quote; two actually:

A. "What would Tony Stark do?"

Answer: "Figure it the fuck out."

B."With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility."-Uncle Ben

"Probability can appear Divine at times."
 
 
Now many of you might be saying, "You asshole, Jesus was real." Oh really? Well here is a way to solve this debate; show me a body or some other form of forensic evidence. Until then my point stands. Also let me know what kind of feed the Easter Bunny prefers while you're at it. Also stop dream of massaging Megyn Kelly's neglected pissed off clit; it's bad for you.
 
 5. "If it ain't broke, then don't fix it."

This example of still birth intellectuality comes via the same type of logic that allows the oil industry to keep giving the middle finger to humanity. It sounds perfectly genius at first, if you think bleach and steel wool is a sound treatment for ring worm, but it disregards that that whole entropy thing again. Entropy goes straight down to the plank scale, where quantum theory breaks down to quantum indeterminacy. To put it another way:

EVERYTHING EVENTUALLY BREAKS!!!!!!

To put it in another way this is like a chain smoker saying that he shouldn't quit smoking because he hasn't gotten lung cancer that is stage 4 yet. That's why mechanics love this term because they know that some dumbass will follow it blindly despite the fact that his CV joints have more wear and tear than Tara Reid.  I mean by this logic there is not point to even showering since you don't smell like a port-a-potty at Bonnaroo yet. It falls in line with the "God is a neat freak" logic i.e. it's incomplete at best. It just makes elitist pricks rich gullible cursing their imaginary friend because their vacation money just went into buying a new transmission. A much more logical line of thought, "Fix the shit before it breaks".


There are many more examples to come but what you should gather from this is anyone that tries to play the philosophical card with clichéd logic that can found in your nearest hallmark probably doesn't follow it themselves while hoping that you do to see if it actually works.
 


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Jim Cantore

When I was about 12 years old I felt as though my life's calling would be as a meteorologist except the weather channel is only fond of metaphors when it comes to the kind of weather that gave inspiration to evacuation routes. I actually sat in on a news cast for WCBD News Channel 2 to see what, at the time, was see one of my "role models", since back then I didn't realize that "role model" was nothing more than a fascist play on words probably talked over a board meeting at the headquarters of Nike; the agenda including underage labor im Chinese sweatshops. This role model goes by the name of Rob Fowler and he is famous because of his mustache which is a shame since he is actually a pretty good meteorologist due to the fact that his predictions tend to be accurate at least 51% of the time. That is really the only requirement I think is needed to make it in front of a camera in that job; unless you are Jim Cantore.

Oh yes, good ole Jim Cantore. Now if you have read other stories on my blog I'm sure you are wondering what in the blue hell I could have against Jim Cantore. The short answer; nothing negative. The guy is definitely not a pussy because his whole job revolves around the question, "Where is the shittiest weather in the country and how can I get in front of a camera there?"  It also revolves around, "How can I make this seem like the last day on Earth even if all that is predicted is light queefs from the cunt called Mother Nature?". His career is basically funded by Mother Nature's bouts with PMS which should become even more epic with the advent of climate change, if you believe in that sort of thing. Ever notice how woman become even bigger bitches during those lovely 3-7 days a month? Imagine Storm from the X-Men with no midol at the same time the Bachelor gets cancelled and you'll get an idea about what's going on with the weather.

His genuine enthusiasm honestly makes me wonder why he chose being a meteorologist in the first place. It's not exactly a job that requires enthusiasm since you don't have to get in front of a camera unlike others such as being a politician, actor, televangelist, porn star, etc. Jim Cantore would make all those things way more entertaining than they are; YES even porn, especially porn.


"This will be the biggest cum surge to ever engulf a barely legal woman's face. Her dignity may never recover from this."
 
To put it in other words if Mother Nature were Mike Tyson then Jim Cantore would be Don King. If it were Anderson Silva then he would be Dana White. He is the ultimate promoter for the ultimate champion of the world; NATURE and just like any good promoter his enthusiasm makes you yearn for shit to get fucked up. I know it does for me. Whenever some major hurricane is heading for the East Coast Jim's words make me dream of it becoming even stronger.
 
Did you say that was a category 4 Jim? Can you make it a category 8? Seriously, I want to see 500 mph winds slamming stray bums into brick walls as you break down in detail how the winds in the north east quadrant of the storm make the guy's brain matter paint the wall in a certain pattern. I want to see storm surges that submerge Wall Street just for the sake of liquid asset and debt jokes. The thought alone makes me want to grab a sign and a can of spray paint so I can picket for accelerating climate change. It would beat the shit out of the Superbowl and we can all be the first string for Team: Humanity. 
 
If it was Al Roker doing the commentating then climate change would be just as boring as anything on the Lifetime Network or the 700 Club. With Jim Cantore it becomes a non-stop live action flick that would make Fox News jealous. Honestly Jim Cantore should just comment on everything because he makes anything seem like it needs our immediate attention and input. I'm pretty sure he could make going to the DMV sound exciting and matter of national security. Speaking of which; why the fuck hasn't the government hired Jim Cantore to speak on the subject of National Security? He could have sold bombing the shit out of Syria way better than Obama's wanna-be Jew ass could.
 
"My Fellow Americans, brown people having access to chemical weapons is the biggest threat America has ever face. Miley Cyrus's may no longer be able to be the Wrecking ball we all know and cherish."
 
 
Yeah I said it, Jim Cantore would be a great president because he could get to get us to bomb the shit out of anyone white, yellow, or brown. He'd be having us wanting to skull fuck Edward Snowden to death within minutes of imploring us to take action and to heed his warnings. He'd make us want to donate to the Aryan Brotherhood for cause of fucking Bradley Manning in the ass. Fuck, he could convince us to send Bradley Manning to a South African prison just so that Manning could get raped and get AIDS. Could you imagine the ratings? We could broadcast it on HBO while Jim Cantore breaks down in detail how the 8 inch cock with Swastika tattoos has enough force to break the anal lining causing the massive surge of blood flow onto his cracker empowered balls. Let's do it, 'Murica. Lets get Jim Cantore into the white house. That way even though we are getting raped in the ass we could actually feel like it serves some purpose.
 
 
 
"Vote for me 'Murica. If you elect Hillary then rape will never be the same again and way more boring. Cantore 2016."





Thursday, January 2, 2014

Religion: A Rape Mentality


I've been accused of Atheism more times in my life than Ron Jeremy has encountered strains of HPV. This is due to the fact that accusing people of being heretics is a fast track towards being labeled un-fuck-able in this secular day and age. The reason is that coming off as a religious nut job jerkoff tends to make you come off as a rapist. The truth is if you were to label me as anything it would be agnostic with an esoteric perspective. Religion never appealed to me even though as an infant I had water dripped on my forehead in a cult meeting place Catholic Church in New Jersey. For years I was baffled as to why because at first religion sounded like an awesome idea. I mean a bunch of people getting together before noon on a Sunday morning for something not involving brunch that serves free wine and crackers in small increments. Sounds pretty fucking awesome right? (If you say yes then please die of AIDS mid-aneurysm.)

As my sarcasm should reveal I am about as fond of religion as I am of porn involving bestiality and Hobbits which I am pretty sure is how the state of Kentucky was founded. I mean packs of gullible pagans imposing their will upon defenseless animals for the sake of "their precious" sounds a bit dead on doesn't it? I mean you win a war if the strategy doesn't involve some good ole fashioned rape right? (If you feel these questions as offensive then please place your reproductive organs in a garbage disposal). Just like in football, rape involves one side "pounding it in" on the other side or otherwise "penetrating their defenses" against their will. It's a rape mentality that is shrouded in the illusions of honor and prestige. That is all religion is or ever has been. It is why we can't have nice things such as a world without war or disease. As a species we love rape too fucking much especially when it involves bombing people that doesn't embrace our politically correct rape culture.

With that said religion, just like rapists, come in varieties with the same goal. So we might as well treat religions like people, don't worry corporations you aren't forgotten, so that way we can understand what kind of rapist they are in the place where you are most likely to find them and of course it is places that serve alcohol amongst other drugs that can be bought in the bathroom stalls. With out any further ado here is each religion's rape mentality in a bar:

Protestantism: First off Protestantism advertises itself via a hippie being impaled through his limbs on a cross to die a slow and agonizing death. This is what Christianity gets off on which you'd figure for most potential rape victims would be a red flag right there but just like how all rape happens you need a victim that is gullible. Since Fox News tends to be very popular it  is pretty apparent that there are plenty of people who will take a shot from this friendly, albeit creepy individual whom is more than willing to buy you a drink and tell you how such and such liberal is the Anti-Christ. Like a frat boy with a brand new Polo Shirt, hair cut that looks like it was inspired by Josef Mengele, and of course smelling of Axe Body spray, because his family taught him to be price conscious sinceslave money does come with a spending limit.

This guy will not out right pin you down and force his way in. He is too worried about the laws of his society set upon him by "those liberals". He will still have sex with someone if they think they can get away with it whether or not that person would have consented to it or not which is highly dependent on their blood alcohol content and/or whether they can slip some "faith" (GHB) in with that Jesus Juice. Protestantism is the reason why the concept of date rape exists since it is the type of faith that will drug you to get what it wants while preaching milk and honey. They also have been quoted with such lovely pearls of wisdom as the female body having the uncanny ability to shut down a pregnancy in the event of a rape.

 


"I would say that women should also enjoy it but that line was already taken."

Catholicism: Unless you have been water boarded under a rock for the past 30 year this one should be obvious and is probably walking into the bar after doing some "research" at  the Toys 'R' Us boys bathroom.

 "Dear God, please keep that boy's mouth shut unless in my presence; with merlot slightly chilled."


Islam: Afraid of being held at knife point while a guy that may or may  not have AIDS forces his way inside of you? Say hello to Islam. Yeah I know such a behavior is a symptom of a thug mentality but a thug mentality is what it takes to fly two airliners into the North and South towers of the former World Trade Center. Whom was behind it doesn't matter as much as those behind the controls of the planes. Those people wanted virgins so badly that they conditioned themselves to have zero value for human life because they wanted the pussy of virgins. All they care about is what they want and use their imaginary friend as a scapegoat just as Christians do. The only difference being that Islam is way more honest about it's intentions where as Christianity is very sneaky about it. That's because anyone that even mentions a word of criticism against Islamic dogma kind of has a habit of being murdered in a fashion that would get Jeffrey Dahmer's seal of approval.

Furthermore Islam is the type of rapist that feels that having a pink hole between your legs is enough to justify sexual misconduct. While Christianity sugar coats this perspective, Islam calls their spade a spade and wants to thrust it into the nearest Jihad receptacle.



"Say it's your body one more muthafuckin time!!!"

Atheism:  I know many of you "There's no God or anything" herds will cry foul for being on this list but any cult, even those whom talk shit about cults, in essence want to impose their will upon you in some way or form. This one just claims there is no good or bad and thus it doesn't matter what it does. This may sound logical at first. It might actually make total sense; if you are a sociopath. It did for me for awhile but logically speaking this train of thought is flawed. Atheism is the type of rapist the will leave you bewildered, confused, and traumatized without offering up a rhyme or reason. Where as the rapists known as Christianity and Islam hide behind there books, Atheists hide behind what it can sparse logic with.



"There's no God, Heaven, or Hell so it doesn't matter if there is consent or not."

Southern Baptist: While technically an off shoot of Protestantism this one deserves a section all it's own. Say hello to Islam's American foil. This type of rapist can be found chugging Mountain Dew and chain smoking Marlboro Reds in your nearest trailer park meth lab. It feels the only place for a women is the kitchen, bedroom, or of course in front of a cop and a camera man, with a fresh shiner that she is using a cold can of natty light to keep the swelling down while their lovely abode on wheels is in plain view. The only difference between it and Islam is the degree of malice and of course the fact that Baptists hate Islam almost as much as they hate homosexuals. This kind of rapist can also be found on Maury Povich claiming that he isn't the father despite the test results just because she might be into black guys. If seen in your drinking vicinity be keen on avoiding isolated areas that are out of view of security cameras.

"Is struggle snuggle a politically correct term?"



Mormonism: Not satisfied with subjugating one women to intellectual misconduct, Mormonism ups the ante by forcing itself into the minds of as many women as possible at the same because what can you do with only one slave? This is the type of rapist that wears business suits, speaks of Jesus being in Missouri, and keeping their victims women in binders. You have to keep mind rape organized now a days, especially when your belief is basically a Freemason 'Murican twist on Christianity. Quite honestly if you wanted a religion that was dead set on raping our entire species and capable of pulling it off you could probably bet the house on this one. They'll even put the winnings in an offshore account to avoid those pesky taxes which brings me too.....

Free Market Capitalism: Before you even think of rolling your eyes go look at the back of a dollar bill; I'll wait. Are you back? Good. Yes our nation is built upon the concept of keeping church and state separate and if you're smart you'll realize that the concept is more fake than Taylor Swift's personality. Where as Mormonism has sought to rape our species mentally, free-market capitalism has raped our species literally. It's the reason why we can't have nice things without mandatory arbitration agreements since fucking you over isn't enough but it also has to make it where they give you the illusion of choices except those choices are either to be rape in the ass or mouth. Just look at what happens on Black Friday and tell me that I'm wrong.


"What do you mean corporations are fucking the people against their will?"


Buddhism: I've thought long and hard about this one but honestly the very fact that Buddhists actually can practice celibacy without violating pre-pubescent boys that we know of kind of gives me hope that this one might have the right idea even though it is still technically a cult. It may stare at you creepily for hours on end; then again it might just be meditating.


"What's a tit?"


Satanism: Imagine Protestantism but instead of GHB you get shit loads of cocaine, bondage, knives, blood play, and Marilyn Manson running on a constant loop. In other words imagine Protestantism with AIDS. Actually cocaine goes for the rest besides Buddhism which denounces drug use and Islam which has opium since they need something to mellow after their daily bomb vesting Jihad.


"Passed out means consent right?"

While their methods may very just about every religion (since I don't have probable cause on Buddhism yet) in some way promotes a rape mentality. It's what makes people retarded since it fucks their minds during infancy thanks to bad parenting. Yes, parents mentally fuck their kids and they do it all the time, they just call it Santa Claus and it's why most kids are rapist cunts in the making. At least the Islamic kids grow up to provide entertainment of the explosive variety. Maybe one day parents will eventually come up with the idea of letting their kids figure shit out on their own instead of passing on their Stockholm Syndrome bred techniques.