The 10 rules of F$%k Buddy Etiquette
By Frank Waszut
I love casual sex, but I don't believe in the saying no strings attached when it comes to having sex just for sex sake. Both sides are eventually going to develop feelings for each other and one side or the other is going to have stronger feelings than the other which is going to lead to drama when said casual sex ends because one side either finds someone they want to be monogamous with leaving the other to relieve his/her frustrations with internet porn and alcohol therapy ( or for women; watching the Lifetime network, Bon Bons and alcohol therapy). I'm no saint in this regard. There have been plenty of times when I had a perfect "friends with benefits" type of relationship going (especially with ShamrockGirl, boy was I fuck head in fucking that one up) and I screwed it up due to a lack of courtesy on my part. The thing about fuck buddies is that when you are single they can keep you sane by giving you meaningful relationships and attention. That and casual sex. Sex is very important for keeping one's sanity. Ever wonder what would drive Catholic Priests to molest and rape pre-pubescent boys? A vow of celibacy. How a lot of politicians get busted for having extra marital affairs and having their names dragged through the mud on CNN? They marry up tight socialites that are born into a position of power and from birth are raised with the mentality that they have gold in between their legs which means that they hardly ever put out and when they do they have no idea what the fuck they are doing. It's like having that expensive new shop vac from Sears that everybody wants but when it comes time to turn it on it can't even suck a grape off a hard wood floor.
Don't worry ladies, guys aren't innocent either. With the advent of polo shirts, hair gel, venti iced coffees with soy milk, espresso shots and splenda (no matter how delicious they are), man-scaping, Oprah, and MTV etc.; men have become emasculated and their testosterone levels have dropped to pitiful levels since they days of yore when Clint Eastwood and John Wayne would fuck shit up. Honestly Teddy Roosevelt and Winston Churchill are probably rolling in their graves at the state of manhood today. Even those roided up guys that look like extras on Jersey Shore. ESPECIALLY those guys. They may have big muscles, pretty hair, shit they might even have a great job that makes them shit loads of money that gets your panties wetter than New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina made landfall and the levees broke. Money, looks, a nice car, and having a nice wardrobe are all fine and dandy but if you can't find that special lady's g-spot then she is going to be about as happy zx Charlie Sheen at an A.A. meeting. They will start going to the gym and looking for the biggest, hairiest, manliest guy to stuff their meat clam like Ron Jeremy in his prime.
My whole point with this is that people NEED sex on a regular basis just like they need food, sleep, and shelter. Not just any sex either, GOOD sex. Tucker Max touched on Darwin's Theory that sexual selection is more important than natural selection. If you haven't read his second book, Assholes Finish First (that's Tucker's not Darwin's if you couldn't figure it out from the context) basically the whole point is that everything men do besides playing videogames, masturbating, and eating (even though I think a lot of guys change their diets to look better for women too, hence why I stay away from Pizza Hutt stuffed crust pizzas no matter how hard it is at times) is directly or indirectly to get women to have sex with us. Just like our other necessities, if humans don't meet their need for sex they will grow increasingly desperate and volatile which will lead them to take more desperate measures to satisfy those needs. Pope John Paul II may have gone his entire life without knowing the touch of a woman, but he is also up for Sainthood or as I like to call the Masochism Hall of Fame. Bottom-line without sex humans would go insane and start raping goats and other livestock. Forrest Griffin says he would resort to plowing deer but those fuckers kick a lot.
This is why having fuck buddies works so well because you get the benefit of getting your rocks off without the responsibilities (I.e. misery) that comes from monogamous relationships and can be quite successful if certain rules are followed. Now as you can tell from my stories I do have a penchant for bending the rules and a lot of these rules I have broken in the past. What's that? You aren't going to listen to advice from a soulless ginger that gets drunk off Jack Daniels and throws up the pets of booty calls? Fine by me. That's more girls that can take out their sexual frustration on my aardvark (uncircumcised penis). Anyway here we go:
Disclaimer: It is not advised to run these rules by your doctor, parents, grandparents, priest/rabbi/monk/sheik/whatever the fuck other religious council you have in your life, or judgmental friends. Just trust me on this one. They will start throwing around words like STDs, pregnancy, relationships, child support, and God Bless. Seriously who wants a bunch of hypocritical douche bags that can't get any and weep to baby Jesus when they do telling you how to live your life?
1. Expenses on Plan B pills should be 50/50 (same goes for that Shop Vac/Coat Hanger procedure):
Accidents are going to happen, especially when sending your Army Ranger to lead the way into some dumb sorostitutes foxhole. Yea, yea I know what you’re saying; just wear a fucking condom. You know what? I fucking do. Guess what else? They break and it can be really hard to tell especially when said sorostitutes meat clam has seen more wear and tear than an Iraqi slum and is about as tight XXL sweat pants on the Geico Gecko. Sometimes you can’t tell before it’s too late. Next thing you know you jizz faster than Usian Bolt in the 40 and have regret dripping down here leg. OH FUCK. You were planning on a booty call, not an adrenaline dump over how you’re minimum wage job is going to pay for the illegitimate offspring of you and some chick that still idolizes Hannah Montana and Britney Spears. You’re a decent guy and realize you don’t want to bring a kid into this kind of existence so in order to prevent dumbasses like you from spending 3 months rent on a fucking, abortion pharmacies have started selling plan B pills which are a highly concentrated dose of birth control and they work amazingly. I would know, the CVS basically has my driver’s license memorized by now and guess what? No bastard, soulless ginger offspring (so far that I know of).
It’s not all roses and honey though; most women have in their mind that the man should pay the full price for the plan B pill even though a few minutes prior they were screaming words like “DON’T STOP”, “FUCK ME HARDER”, and my all time favorite “I DON’T CARE WHERE YOU CUM, JUST KEEP FUCKING ME!!!!!!” One second they are as much of a freak as Sophie Dee on Bangbros (Seriously, she is fucking amazing) and the next it's all your fault. You know what? She is half right. You were dumb enough to fall for her bullshit and she was dumb enough to think your brain would function even though your blood was at your “other head” and head butting her G-Spot like it was at a mosh pit at a Five Finger Death Punch concert. Y'all are both responsible so y'all should share equally in the responsibility. It's hard enough for most guys make the walk of shame to through the planned parent hood section of CVS (I swear to God they put that aisle there on purpose just to rub it in) to pay for the Generic Brand (seriously, who would buy the brand name of the birth control equivalent of a mulligan?), give them your driver’s license (I seriously need to Google why they do that), buy a bottle of water (so that she can take it right there in the car. The car isn't moving until that pill goes down your throat ladies. I swear swallowing could help a lot of relationships and prevent drama), and walk out to the car and get your camera phone ready to videotape her taking it (for legal purposes).
Ladies don't have smooth sailing with this either. Lots of them start feeling like crap (Physically, not morally. At least when it comes to the egocentric skanks whom I have my dick inside of. I think I owe my dick an apology one of these days) due to the highly concentrated dose of hormones involved. HotTeacher made it sound like it was worse than a bad case of chicken pox. Also a lot of women are allergic to it which just compounds how shitty the experience is (I'm telling you ladies, swallowing is the way to go. That or anal, guys aren't picky about what hole they stick it in).
Bottom line is both sides aren't having a picnic and the economy hasn't exactly been all roses as of late (of this writing) and money is tight. Both sides screwed up. Both sides should ante up to fix it when it's still relatively cheap instead of chancing it and three months later having to cough up a shit load more cabbage for a doctor to whip out the shop-vac.
2. Guys: Ladies first (and second and third if you have that much skill) Ladies: Get him off (that way he can roll over and pass out while you wipe his love juice off your stomach and fix your JBF hair)
I know guys, we are selfish assholes and the vagina is very complicated thing. Some ladies can be gotten off as easily as having you blow on their neck and other won't even blink and eye when getting drilled by a stallion (an actual horse, not the star center of your local university's basket ball team). Some women's meat wells are more sensitive than other's. From what I can tell this has absolutely nothing to do with their level of promiscuity or size. It's all about the amount of nerve endings on their fun button. A good test guys is to lick their areolas (the area around their nipples) and see how they react. If they react with moaning, heavy breathing, dirty talk, and goose bumps then it should be an easy night while getting them off should be as easy as a few minutes of hard thrusting from the missionary position mixed with a few deep ones to really rock their g-spot (be careful about catching eyes as that can complicate things and lead to drama for the girl because she wants one of those "relationship" things.) Trust me guys you get her off right and she will be down for a round 2. Just be careful and don't do too good of a job or you will become a victim of your own success and that bitch will be clinging onto to you tighter than a pitbull wishes it could on Michael Vick's herpes riddled balls.
Ladies: Just open up your legs and lay there. Give a blow job and ride him every once in awhile to spice things up. Oh yeah don't forget doggy as well. If he really sucks in bed then just fake it and rub one out while watching Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. If he does really well though make sure to reward him with cold beer and steak. Trust me, he has options and you want to make a good case for yourself.
3. Be forthcoming about your feelings
We have all been there. You have a great thing going with a fuck buddy. Guys, I know she is awesome because she actually thinks its funny when you hot box her, she understands the importance of your fantasy team (if she has her own then you seriously need to consider buying her a ring right now), and she cuddles with you while watching Deadliest Warrior, Archer, and Breaking Bad. She is actually worthy of monogamy. Ladies, he understands the importance of ladies' night (even if he doesn't understand the concept), he has a great job, understands why putting on make-up takes half an hour, and will even hang out with you while you go shoe shopping. He is perfect (or tolerable) in every way and both of y'all think that you might have something.
Well guess what? Honesty is the best policy here. There is nothing wrong with developing feelings for your fuck buddy. There is something wrong about holding those feelings back only to have them to suddenly erupt and cause a shit storm of drama after one side or the other becomes monogamous with someone else, because the other side didn't make their "move". You know what that "move" is ladies and gentleman? Honesty. I do realize this can be a bold new concept nowadays, but like the saying goes "fortune favors the bold". It's a risk/reward gambit. She might feel the same and y'all will live happily every after till either cancer or old age knocks one of you two love bugs off. Then again the apple of your dreams (seriously whoever came up with that saying had to be high on meth) might not feel the same way. If he doesn't then don't freak out. Just because they don't feel that way now doesn't mean things won't develop later on. If they run for the hills like you have a case of the clap then they weren't worth your time and you did yourself a favor which brings me to rule number 4.
4. Be honest about your intentions
Are you looking for a fuck buddy or something more? Maybe you just want to have the possibility of relationship there. Maybe you are perfectly happy with the single life and don't want to be tied down. Whatever you want make sure your partner is aware of it even if you have to spell it out for them. Guys, she has a hard time pronouncing Snooki's name properly. Do you really think she is going to understanding the intricacies of your ho-archy? Ladies, guys are dumb, throw us a bone. We only talk in terms of sports and beer. Don't want to hurt our feelings? Beer and wings at Hooter's. Trust me; he will understand the concept of plenty of fish in the sea.
5. Be Honest about your sexual health status
So you occasionally have something that looks like a really nasty version of bubble wrap growing on your jewels. You don't know how you got it but YOU got it. A fact that you NEED to make your fuck buddy aware of. Now I know what you are saying, but he/she will think I am disgusting and/or a slut and won't touch me. Guess what? There are close minded, irrational people out there that don't understand how STDs work. Yeah having sex with multiple partners doesn't exactly help your chances but they have a thing called condoms that can be very helpful in keeping those tests coming back negative. However if you play Russian roulette with your junk and catch something there are people out there that will understand who may also still be down. There are also people out there with similar predicaments and there are even dating sites dedicated to them. It's not the end of the world.
What is a problem is hiding that fact from your partner, passing it on, and since you hid it from them they are stuck with something with which they had no choice in the matter. Remember what I said about some people being irrational when it comes to STDs? Well, imagine how they are going to react when they have been misled and lied to even if they don't catch anything. I had a scare years ago (that story is when I was hooking up with JerseyGirl in the shower (thank god I had a fucking condom on and she wasn't symptomatic) and she informs me, basically mid-stroke, that she had Herpes Simplex Virus 2, aka Genital Herpes. This was after she told me that she wished I could take my condom off and when I inquired as to why she informed of her “gift that keeps on giving”. To cut a long story short I walked into the health clinic, demanded a test be done, was told a test couldn't be done unless there was an outbreak, never had one (even though I was scared shitless for 2 weeks hoping that something that looked a water balloon orgy wouldn't grow on my dick) and have passed all my blood tests in the five years since then (thank you Trojan condoms, thank you so fucking much). But seriously, who the fuck forgets to mention that?
I later told a couple people at DiveBar what happened and I remember CrackerBlob's suggestion of doing a drive-by on her place with an Uzi. I would never go to that extreme (Ok, maybe if someone gave me the HIV) but the whole point is when you lie about something like that people will do some pretty drastic shit, never mind you can get sued over that and with HIV it can be construed as attempted murder. It's like Chris Rock said in Bigger and Blacker in regards to OJ Simpson's wife divorcing him and wanting half his assets in alimony and OJ's response of (allegedly) murdering her, "I don't support it, but I understand." The same applies here. It' one thing breaking someone's heart, it's something else to drastically alter their sex life without giving them a choice in the matter. If you follow one rule please follow this one.
6. If you have other fuck buddies let it be known
This one is closely linked tonumber 6. Why? There is a reason why STDs are also referred to as social diseases. Just like how word gets around, so does Chlamydia. Say for instance Frat Boy (A) is hooking with Sorostitute (A) who is also hooking up with Frat Boy's (B)-(F). Now let's say Frat Boy (A) has a well known habit of taking his parent’s tuition money and blowing it on strip clubs. In his drunken stupor he doles out a shit load of Benjamin’s to that crazy Puerto Rican stripper with the missing teeth and she takes him to the back to rewards him with a little back door action while neglecting to have him wrap it up. A week later his urethra feels like it is passing sulfuric acid every time he takes a whiz and tells his other fraternity brothers (B-F) about it. During that time he has still been hooking up with sorostitute (A) only his frat brothers don't know because she hasn't told them about Frat Boy A nor has she told him about Frat Boy's (B)-(F) and they have all been buying into her pleas to "not tell anybody about this". Next thing you know they all have the clap and pass it on to their various sorostitutes. All because they fell for that bullshit line that "loose lips sink ships". That very well may be true but it may also save you from having to spend a shit load of cash that your parents can't afford on a doctor’s visit and horse pills never mind coming up with some bullshit excuse for needing the money in the first place (you dumbass).
7. Don't be a hater
Even though STDs suck their is another sickness that can ruin a friends with benefits relationship. That's right you guessed it, JEALOUSY. Unlike other diseases there is no known treatment for this one. If you have it then you are fucked and should reside yourself to the fact of being douche bag while getting well acquainted with your hand as which is the only thing that is going to treat your dick right, for guys anyway. Women on the other hand have a completely different problem. While guys actually have to have some resemblance of a personality to constantly get pussy on a consistent basis women can basically get it by simply just caving into one of these douche bags. The problem is once they see the level of their douche-baggery and they run for the hills from them like the shit storm surge of creepster that they are. Every once in awhile they will find a decent genuine guy and hook up with him while say they understand that he's not looking for a relationship, but act the exact opposite by texting him incessantly, stalking his Facebook profile whilst urgently awaiting his next status update hoping her name will be tagged in it, and unexpectedly making appearances at his favorite bar which she was scoping out from the parking lot 30 minutes prior while waiting for him to show up.
Ladies: Do you really want to scare a guy away that can actually get you off and can fix your ceiling fan while you watch your favorite episode of Cougar Town? Yea I didn’t think so. Stop drinking yo damn haterade and fucking up his G.A.M.E. You are not making a good case for yourself. He is going to think that you are psycho and go fuck one of his less psycho buddies while blocking your phone number and following it up by blocking you on Facebook and Twitter.
Guys: Don’t be desperate, congratulations you had sex, I took a dump today. All you did was fill a biological need. Just because you hooked up with a girl doesn’t mean that you own here. It’s not like when you walk your Chihuahua (since you are more than likely the Jersey Shore Guido type that would read something by a narcissistic ginger that use to get punched in the head for a living) and he pisses on some fire hydrant while you go into Starbucks to order your Mocha Frappucino. Let me be clear, women are not property like Sons of Anarchy would have you believe. Would it be awesome if they were? Hell yeah, but just like my dream of getting in the cage with Matt Hughes and knocking him the fuck out, it’s not going to happen. Neither is her bending to your every whim. Remember she is a fuck buddy. Not your girlfriend. Slow your role.
8. If you are about be monogamous with someone, give your fuck buddies a heads up.
This is a very simple one but gets fumbled more than a rain soaked football in the hands of Tony Dorsett. Your fuck buddies like to have their needs fulfilled to. Ladies, maybe that guy you ride every Wednesday morning when you get done working third shift at Waffle House is expecting you. He turn down requests from his other trifling ass hoes in order to let you come over and toss his salad. What he doesn’t know is that your other fuck buddy has seen a huge boom in his meth lab enterprises and can actually make enough money to take you to nice dinners in his new restaurant that he recently purchased to launder his profits. Seeing the potential there you decide to let your feelings out to him and he obliges over his cell phone before he gets high off his product. So over thrilled are you by the prospect that you might have found someone to help you escape your white trash lifestyle, you neglect to inform your other “trick daddy” and he is left to toss his salad whilst by himself and has to wipe off the ranch dressing with a towel instead of having another one of his chicken heads swallow it for the protein quotient. Fuck throwing SALT in his G.A.M.E., you just done fucked his G.A.M.E. All of which could have been avoided in the weeks prior with a little honesty, because he would know to not put all his eggs in one basket. Hopefully, he is a nice guy and won’t pop you with a One Hitta Quitta.
9. All good things come to an end
You’re enjoying this friends with benefit shit huh? You are getting laid, you don’t have to deal with the usual bullshit that comes with a relationship (paying for dinners, shoes, plan B pills, yea I realize that I said they should be a 50/50 expense in a fuck buddy type relationship but when it comes with monogamy you’re fucked since you fell into that trap) and you are happier than a Guido in a tanning bed. Guess what? Enjoy while it lasts. Eventually she is going to find someone that is going to replace you that isn’t going to use her as a substitute for your right hand (or left hand for you south paws). It’s going to end, don’t lose your shit when it does. Just keep them as a friend, because you never know if/when your fuck buddy will be available again and y’all can pick up things where you left off.
10. Avoid the Drama and Enjoy
Fuck buddies are suppose to be fun people that you can hang out with, be yourself, and shoot the shit with. And have sex with. I truly do feel that it is the best way to find a good candidate for a monogamous relationship. There are a lot of manipulative douche-bags out there (politicians, religious fanatics, feminists, etc.) that say you should wait before marriage. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, 99% of those people have had bad experiences with sex that have traumatized them beyond the point of reason and logic. Sex IS a gamble. You can take all the precautions necessary and still end up getting a raw deal (unplanned pregnancy, STDs, monogamy) but you are going to die someday. Have some fun while your at it, you can even do it at other’s expense, just be considerate when it comes to major issues (pregnancy, STDs, monogamy). Life is supposed to be enjoyed, not feared so go out there and do it.