Friday, April 4, 2014

Milk, Honey, and Black Shit

Milk, Honey, and Black Shit:

It's funny how Christians describe Heaven. You know? They say it is the land of Milk and Honey; Milk and Honey. Isn't that basically two ingredients short of an order at Starbucks? In order to complete the order you would need some black shit; i.e. coffee. This requirement has not changed ever since I became aware of it, it's always been the land of milk and honey; but no black shit. Kind of makes you wonder the fate Martin Luther King Jr. doesn't it?

 MLK: "Hello St. Peter. I got shot in the head and now I'm here."

St. Peter: "Yeah-------about that."

MLK: "What do you mean about that?"

St. Peter: "Well I don't know why the milk and honey people were letting you preach about Christianity and judging by one's character but there was some fine print on this whole heaven thing,"

MLK: "What fine print? I though you just had to be a good person and believe in Jesus."

St. Peter: "Yeah-------you do but---- It's also the land of milk and honey. Not the land of Milk, Honey, and Black shit. There is another place that allows all three though."

MLK: "Oh, where's that?"

St. Peter: "Starbucks; technically it wont be open for a couple decades but we have that whole time travel thing down pat so it's not an issue for us."

MLK: "I mean are all my friends and family there?"

St. Peter: "Yes, all the black shit goes to Starbucks. Besides you don't want to go in Heaven anyway. It's nothing but white people shit with their milk and honey. The only one that has actually found a loop hole is Nelson Mandela because he scared the white shit out of them; a little bit. Honestly he just went in to knock up some of their women to make heaven more beige to maybe allow for some black shit in the future via an executive order."

MLK: "Oh----well I don't want to be violent;---- I guess---- I'll take the Starbucks option."

St. Peter: "Cool, we just have to wait for the Starbucks bus. I'd say you could take the milk and honey bus but they'd make you ride in the back according to their corporate black shit guidelines. Rosa Parks raised a huge fit about it."

I guess what I'm saying is fuck Heaven; go to Starbucks..........


Before I get started I will go ahead and say that I would work Beyoncé's labia with a flow that would make Jay-Z jealous. I would spank that ass as she twerked it side to side. I would let her rain on my wood. Shit I would even refer to my uncircumcised cock as a surfboard if that is what got her to squirt so that she would soak my wood to the point that that I would need Thompson's Water seal in order to prevent jungle rot. Shit, if I ever became president I'd issue an executive order to have Jay-Z whacked via a drone strike just so I could have Beyoncé as friend with benefits. I don't how I'd go about making the rest of that plan come to fruition after taking Hova out but maybe another executive order could solve that dilemma because no matter how much I lust Beyoncé I'm not putting a ring on shit.

"Don't worry Beyoncé. The hair pulling and choking would be worth putting up with my psychopathic, Ginger ass."
Sasha Fierce, Beyoncé's Amazonian alter ego, has been on a role ever since she went solo and recently released an album that revolves around her sex life with Jay-Z; it also involves other things about their relationship but who really cares? Two songs in particular that have been turning night clubs into foreplay have been "Partition" and "Drunk In Love". Both songs involve sex with Mr. Izzo; "Partition" involves sex with him in a limo while "Drunk In Love" is about her riding him reverse cow girl fashion in a bath tub. I tried the latter out a few weeks ago and I have to admit it's pretty fun while high on "loud", a strain of marijuana. If you don't know why it's called "Loud" then you haven't smoked it and need to if you are 420 friendly. 
While any form of sex is fun , outside of rape unless you're on a college sports team,  and nothing to complain about; it also is a drug which is why it is fun in the first place. The only problem is that you need exceedingly higher doses in order to get the same amount of enjoyment; just ask anyone that is drunk in love with heroine. That means for most people that treat sex as something sacred or important for reasons beyond procreation they see using a bathtub as an erotic Teahuppo (how's that for surfing lingo?). By that I mean they see it as something exciting, new, and a little taboo. For me it's just reverse cowgirl in a bathtub.  I've already moved onto swinging shit heads; get like me. 
Besides if surfing is as freaky as Beyoncé gets then she has nothing more to offer me than a prestigious notch on my belt. I would definitely hit it but you could bet your ass that I'd quit it due to some insensitive remark, on my part, born out her egocentrism coming into conflict with mine. It's not like she has anything to offer, besides prestige, over girls that I've fucked that were just as exotic as her if not better looking. I'd fuck Beyoncé, don't get me wrong, but that's all it would be; partition rolled up or not. But then again when it comes to the opposite sex I kind of live in a town where sex outside of one's race is considered blasphemy; or Progress for people living in blue states. This is why most white people suck in bed due to the nature of their culture; God-fearing especially when it comes to "darker" cultures. In other words it's just closeted racism.
"Yay I banged a Black Girl and didn't get AIDS."
In this time of Blasphemy/Progress people, for the most part, are becoming more open minded no matter how rapidly their defense mechanisms are firing. Sex is going from sacred to natural even though it has always been natural. Then again white people and nature don't exactly have a kosher relationship even though their language is green. This is getting off topic though so lets get to the point. If you think surfboarding is awesome then you are still a rookie which is ok because most people find one person to have sex with and are content with staying on the bench their whole lives; I'm not. I like to fuck; a lot. Here's "Partition"; one of the songs that is making white bitches want to ride surfboards all of a sudden. It'll probably get you harder that Rush Limbaugh's fat fucking head.
If you are already needing windex to clean off your laptop then take your time.
 There's another kind of woman besides the Amazonian/Exotic types that are just as freaky and fun. Not to mention they have a shit load of tattoos which is a HUGE turn on for me. They might as well call sluts with tattoos jackpots because if you get one for a fuck buddy that is the slut jackpot. They are the type of women that kick ass and take names at your nearest mosh pit and listen to Metal in all its shapes and forms. I'm talking about the type of woman that would rip Jay-Z's surfboard off and give Beyoncé a traumatic brain injury with it. Just like rich white girls, these bitches have a woman that epitomizes this stereotype as well. You may not know her but she is the lead singer of a band called Halestorm and hits the same lustful strings; minus the tattoos surprisingly. Her name is Lzzy Hale and she has a Grammy. Here's the song that got her that honor, "Love Bites (So Do I)":

What Lzzy might lack in proportions she sure as hell makes up for in enthusiasm. She's basically Miley Cyrus if Miley Cyrus actually had artistic merit and a legit personality. Just like Beyoncé, Lzzy Hale is an alpha female except that while Beyoncé is all about class and etiquette while getting her groove one Lzzy takes those concepts, throws them out the window, stomps on them, and sets the fuckers on fire. It's kind of ironic when you look at the progression/blasphemification of American culture. The black bitches be getting whiter while the white bitches be turning into Left eye from TLC. All I know is Beyoncé is all about the sales at this point, albeit she deserves it, while Lzzy seems to be more about the soul of artistic expression and she kicks ass while doing it. Beyoncé will fuck you till you are dry but all Lzzy needs to do is kiss you to leave a lasting impression. It's the same thing as a pitbull taking on a cobra. The pitbull may bite hard as shit but the cobra only needs one bite for it to be game over. Guys may brag about hooking up with Beyoncé but guys cry about Lzzy being out of their lives.
So I guess what I'm saying is all these bitches looking for surfboards can have fun with their bitches at the beach. I'd rather stick with the ones looking to ride a chopper. Ride a #Harley bitches.