Friday, October 24, 2014

Superheroes Are People Too: The Marvel Universe Part 2. The Feminine Side.

I have to be honest to you. If you are reading this and have kept up with it since I started then you have probably noticed that my past writings have been quite testosterone fueled. They have been outright misogynist in reality.I used every single possible loophole of logic and reason to justify those opinions but they were nothing more than rationalization. I objectified women and it wasn't right. I may have had a decent understanding of the feminine side of the human psyche but I understood enough of it to suit my own needs; those of my sex addiction. I looked at women as drug dealers basically; that was their label in my mind and I treated them with a "Keep your friends with benefits close, keep your enemies close so you can still have sex with them" mentality. That's not to say I hated women, I just used them for sexual reasons. Just like how a heroine addict keeps around friends that give them money under false pretenses.

I have developed a more reasonable outlook on life, one that is more feminine friendly and people friendly in general, which has opened me up more artistically. In order to be a good artist you have to be open to all information that comes your way whether you agree with it or not. You can't jump to conclusions based on dogmas and prejudices; that was the mistake I was making and one that I am working to correct. I guess you can say that I am a reformed womanizer who has gone from the prison, "Look at dem titties!!" to the freedom of, "She must have back problems". Much of this is thanks to my girlfriend Dani; she's my fuzzy wuzzy booby bear love zombie. She's probably blushing right now if she's reading this. Here she is:

"Of course you would take a picture of me when it looks like I'm about to fall out of your Scion."

Isn't she pretty? Not only is she smart, beautiful, and a sweet heart but she satiates my tattoo and breast fetishes. She satisfies some other ones on here but I won't say since she cooks and does my laundry. Let's just say she knows how to help me develop a filter and I love her for it. It's helped me in my personal life as well as my writing and comedic endeavors; 5 minutes at a time.

Anyway what does all of this mushiness have to do with the Marvel Universe. Well the thing about the Marvel Universe is that it's story lines have always been a good analogue for humanity at large. X-Men was a analogue for the civil rights movement. Captain America has been an analogue for freedom versus tyranny. Iron Man is one for corporate versus humanitarian ethics when it comes to the military industrial complex. The Hulk is an analogue for people that have anger issues. Spiderman represents sexually frustrated virgins and Thor represents frat boys living in the real world. So far I have covered how the male characters relate to real world issues but I have yet to cover the character that cover one of, if not the biggest, issue facing our world; how women are treated and viewed by society. 

Women's suffrage strikes to the core of every hurdle facing us, humans, as a species. Civil rights, economic inequality, bigotry, corruption, transparency, terrorism, and even climate change all revolve around it; it is called Mother Nature after all. This another area where Marvel Comics has made huge strides in how women are viewed in society. The beauty of the super hero medium is that female characters can be as powerful and more powerful than their male counterparts. Magneto was scared shitless of Jean Grey/Dark Pheonix in X3: The Last Stand. The DC Universe has Wonder Woman but Marvel has characters that would make her shed tears on Oprah. That's if they didn't choke the her with the Lasso of Truth first.

First on the list:

Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff

"Is it asking too much to have a lazy day where I can watch Netflix and drink Merlot?"

Her deal: I have a dark past that has led to me becoming a femme-fatale badass that turns ass kicking into a ballet; oh yeah, I was a ballerina. I'm originally from Russia but have an American accent. When I'm not busy being the Liam Neeson of the Marvel Universe, with my extraordinary set of KGB trained and imported to America skills, I ponder whether I set the DVR to record last night's episode of Conan O'Brien.

Say hello to the Dominatrix of the Marvel world. If Wolverine is the alpha-male of the Marvel Universe then say hello to his female equivalent that would introduce him to the world of BDSM by pinning him down by the neck. Natasha is that woman the every guy in the bar wants but few have the courage to talk to and with good reason. She'll make the biggest misogynist beg for mercy by cutting them down with her words. She's picky in the company she keeps; especially when it comes to the bedroom. She's also highly manipulative but that's all part of her allure. She'll make you angry just for the sake of making the sex more intense. How do I know all of this? Long story short I used to date the real-life version of The Black Widow except her alter-ego was The Dragon. She has appeared in a few of my previous writings by the alias of VampireChick (read the Anderson Silva of Vaginas story). She looked exactly like Scarlett Johannson if she were mixed race. The only difference, besides one being fiction and the other being a real person that is the basis for a character in one of my own works of fiction (Sentience), is that she did "chores" for a  Mexican drug cartel and Natasha did missions for S.H.I.E.L.D. I know that is a bold statement so here's a pic of VampireChick; feel free to compare.

 Obviously the pic has the top of her head cut off so you guys and gal, or whichever gender you want to be, are going to have to take my word that she looks mixed Scarlett Johannson; I promise she isn't a woman with down syndrome and a hot body. Just imagine her doing round house kicks while rolling her eyes to Tony Stark one-liners in latex; latex so tight that it chafes to the point that she gets scared it's herpes. VampireChick wasn't just similar to Romanoff in looks but also in personality. She was an alpha-female in every sense of the word. Now I know the fact that I use and am still not fooling around with her must be a question on your mind and that reason is the same as why Romanoff can't have a steady relationship with any character in the Marvel Universe; you can't have two leaders in an intimate relationship because there are only two people in such relationships that aren't in the state of Utah. 

Dating an alpha-female is fine if your greatest thrill if you fantasize about being pegged with a strap-on; that's a relationship with a dominatrix that will last. If you are an alpha male yourself, and don't know how to compromise, then things will not work. You'll have some of the best sex of your life for 2 months but sex isn't everything and that doesn't become obvious until the best sex of your life becomes routine. There is an unkind truth when it comes to sex with anyone; it can't just be about sex if sex is going to last. If there isn't stable chemistry outside the bedroom, or away from the apartment complex parking lot, then it's just going to end and probably end ugly. This especially true when you are dating someone that can kill someone with her bare hands in her own right. That's not to see we ever had a fist fight but when you have two people that can dominate a situation it leads to neither side being willing to back down; it's basically the Cold War with sweat soaked bed sheets.

It's a double edge sword since alpha-females shatter every preconceived notion and stereotype about women. In a way they are the beacon of everything a woman can be; strong, intelligent, resourceful, beautiful, graceful, understanding, creative, insightful, diplomatic, etc. The perfect assassin, writer, artist, politican, and lover. On the other flip side they have to deal with the idiocy that is the male gender. That's one constant I have found about humanity; the smartest man is still not as smart as the dumbest woman. For dumb people there is no pain in dealing with dumb people just like how strippers feel at home around crystal meth. For smart people it's down right excruciating to be around dumb people, especially in large crowds, and that's coming from a male perspective. From a female perspective it can be downright frightening since not only are people being irritating but you have to deal with many of them not wanting to take no for an answer while hitting you with double standards. As much progress as society has made it is still slanted against women; especially in regions of the world such as the Middle East, Asia, Russia, and Louisiana. This leads to them having to be comfortable with the possibility of never finding that one and only for them because that person may not exist for them. It's why guys with a high IQ are more likely to get married while its the inverse for women of high intellect. Those women realize being single may be hard but it's more tolerable than being in a toxic relationship. It's also why Janay Rice stayed with Ray Rice; that and money.

It's a tragic yet inspiring. Romanoff may never find someone to bring her peace yet she doesn't need someone to do so. She doesn't need someone to find happiness. It would be helpful but not a requirement; just look at Mother Theresa. While Martin Luther King Jr. had to engage in extra marital affairs to keep his head straight; Mother Theresa didn't even have the need for a vibrator. She got off on protecting the greater good. Protecting the weak was her pleasure just like it was Black Widow's or VampireChick's. That's why VampireChick arrested for assaulting a guy that was beating up an ex-bf. She sensed injustice and did what needed to be done to protect those that couldn't protect themselves. That's the essence of being a hero and that's what the character of Natasha Romanoff epitomizes; protect the world with a sense of grace and dignity. Well that and latex.

2. Storm/Ororo Monroe

"You know what's funny? Tornadoes and the house where that bitch you've been triflin' with lives."

Her deal: I control the weather. You just deal with the weather. JIM CANTORE!!...AIN'T GOT SHIT!!!...ON ME!!!!

So here's an interesting thought. Ever say something stupid that you don't realize is stupid until it's too late and you get run over by a tsunami of, "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!"? What if instead of angry insults you just got run over by an actual tsunami? Say hello to Storm; the scariest thing that could come out of Africa besides Ebola. She's a former mutant African queen that could turn any city into Joplin, Kansas when her carpet get's stained. Her psionic abilities allow her to manipulate the weather to her will on Earth and to an even greater extent beyond it. Nature is her pet basically and Mother Nature isn't exactly domesticated. This makes her one of the most powerful superheroes ever conceived. I mean she can make it rain; like literally make it rain. Like water falling from clouds. 

Storm is all about commitment; take that advice to heart. She is not the type that you want to hit it and quit it with unless you feel like catching a lightning bolt on your forehead. Don't get me wrong; 70% of the time she's is caring, compassionate, intellectual that could lead a lecture on civil rights but all it takes is one asshole to bring that Super Typhoon of a 30% out of her. Treat how you would like to be treated; on dry land with a 20% chance of late afternoon showers. She may appear weak but, just like the fallacy of the misogynist stereotype of women, underestimating her abilities or resolve would be a grave mistake that could decimate entire cities. An angry ex posting an insult laden thesis about your inability to get it up wouldn't even compare.

3. Jean Grey/Phoenix

"Your library books are late and not in that good porno way."

Her deal: "I am both telepathic and telekinectic. This means that not only can I shove a dildo up your ass with my mind but I could also make you believe that you are Jared Leto in the Dallas Buyer's Club. That's my docile side; my true power is becoming a being that destroys stars and planets whenever I call on my BFF; the Phoenix Force. When Phoenix and me are hanging out I can discombobulate anything down to the molecular level. Do you want to talk about childhood?

If a pissed off Storm is Ebola scrary then consider an angry Jean Grey as Ebola going airborne; there is no where to hide from her wrath if she wants you 86'd. That's not only because of how she can be when she's angry but also in how easily she can be pissed off. It's not that you have to do something that is morally corrupt to piss her off; you just have to say something that she takes the wrong way. You see like a lot of people with destructive personalities Jean Grey is the trusting type. Just think of Henry's Hill's wife in Goodfellas; one second she is making you a dinner that is worthy of Instagram and the next she is pointing a gun in your face. Jean isn't threatening to twerk your brain matter on memory though; she's dissolving your entire body into oblivion. She can kill your without leaving a trace since when she's in Dark Phoenix mode she can obliterate anything down to microscopic scales.

Needless to say she is the last woman you would want to hook up with as she is incapable of having a long lasting relationship that doesn't end in homicide; just ask Cyclops. The first time you forget to put the poofy from the shower on the designated rack she'll murder you with it; well maybe the second time if she's in a good mood. She's a superhero that doesn't know her own strength. I'm actually quite conflicted about her as a character since she epitomizes every negative stereotype a misogynist could formulate against women's rights; a woman that can destroy everything when she is experiencing PMS in theory. 

On the flip side she is also the type of woman the can get the respect of all misogynists; a woman that can destroy everything when she is experiencing PMS in theory. I highly doubt Todd Akin would want to debate that if the Dark Phoenix existed then Jean Grey would have the mechanisms to shut it down; Missouri would take a bigger beating they ever did before joining the SEC. If you see her then run and hope she doesn't take it the wrong way. She may not since Dark Phoenix is only part of her persona; the part that can destroy the universe like it's a lap top containing a porno of Cyclops getting it on with Professor Xavier.

4. Kitty Pride

"Lets send you back to when you sent me that drunk text from last night."

Her deal: My name is Kitty and I'm intangible. I can pass through objects, levitate, send your consciousness into the past, and make wormholes which is great when you are running late to work. You will also never win an argument with me due to the whole, "I'm really good with loopholes", thing. If you date me then be prepared for a life of constant secular reasoning and neurotic insecurity.

Now that Kitty is of legal consenting age we can talk about her in the relationship sense; and how boring it would be sexually since her life is basically one non-stop existential dilemma. Her physical state itself is in a constantly in flux since she technically doesn't touch anything in the physical sense; most of the time she's trying to get in touch with herself. This doesn't leave too much time for intimacy; sex once a week would be frisky for her. However the conversations would never be boring. She's basically a 60 year old in an 21 year old body. That's because she's smart and confused. Most would say that doesn't make sense because most people aren't smart; any smart person is in a perpetual state of confusion; that's what we call living and breathing.

Part of the reason why she would be less exciting than C-Span is due to the fact that she would have a never ending list of hold ups due to you. Every perceived transgression, on her part, would add to the hesitation and make her dryer than California at the moment. Furthermore she would complain about how she can't find that perfect one and not realize there is no such thing as "the perfect one". If you get her phone number the minimum it will take to get in the sheets with her would be 4 months minimum if it ever happened; she's basically the Taylor Swift of the Marvel Universe. She's a sweet girl but being sweet isn't going to make a relationship work; having momentary lapses of dignity at least 3 times a week will. 

Then again she's not 30 and that's a silver lining. As held up she is now that sexual frustration will eventually erupt. She'll make a lousy girlfriend in her 20's but if you are smart you can swoop in like Sir Mix-A-Lot during that 30th trip around the sun and have it all taken out on that proverbial smaller primitive head that all men have. 

Also not to mention the fact that she could get you out of any pinch due to the whole wormhole and sending your mind back in time to make you rethink bad decisions thing. She makes a good friend that would eventually become a fun friend with benefits.

Well that's it for the feminine side of the Marvel Universe. Support women's rights; you never know when a lady someone might get the power to flatten your house with a microburst.