Sunday, August 24, 2014

Siblings..

I'm amazed at siblings that actually like hanging out together in public. Like i have no idea how they like it. Like I really do love my brother; I really do. Like I would take a bullet for my brother; I would die for my brother. That's what you are supposed to do for your sibling; if you love him.

But hanging out with him takes an effort; Like I actually have to motivate myself and get the courage to go hang out with my brother in a public place.

Yet there are siblings that are happier than anything to be in there sibling's presence when they don't have to be.

I really want to know their secret; like I would pay $10 to know.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Our Dicks as Dogs...

Guys treat their dicks like their dogs. Ever notice that? When they are young and all it knows is to pee on things we pet it and go, "Oh, what are you? I like you."

Once we get old enough to realize its designed for more than just peeing we have to keep it on a leash because it's always trying to jump into things and getting us into trouble. We do this despite all the abuse we do to it while it sits in our lap.

Then as we get older and learn how to find cat owners we want to play with we actually have to get it to stand up. Like we actually have to talk to it, "GET UP OFF THE COUCH!!! We're going for a walk; we have some trouble you can jump into."

Then as we get really old we realize it's days are numbered and we have to watch it go to sleep forever and we cry :(.

Yet you don't see Sarah McClachlan doing a song about my dick....

Monday, August 18, 2014

Actin' A Fool..

I love Rap music, LOOOVVVEEE Rap music. I have the N.W.A. iHeart station blasting while I cruise in my 00' Denali right now; with tinted windows. Yea I keep it G; I keep it Ginger. I have a habit of thuggin without a soul.

I was just doing some crusin delivering some pizzats (that's thug for pizza) and I was listening to one of my all-time joints (that's hip hop for song) by 50 Cent and tha Game called "How We Do (Fresh '83)." You may have heard it back in a club if you were in clubs in 2005.

The song starts with this little diddy:

"This...is..how..we..do,
We make a move and act a fool up in the club."

Now I like doing some thuggin'...SOME THUGGIN but my thuggin stops at "Actin' a Fool" for one simple reason; "Actin a Fool" is a good way to get shot by a fool.


Look at what's happening in Ferguson, Missouri and the state of Florida never mind anything that happened in Compton, California in the 90's.

I mean kids, teenagers, are getting shot to death by cops and bigots that are also, "Acting a Fool" over cigars, Snapple, and Skittles. I'm not saying all cops act a fool just like not all thugs act a fool; bigots are just in a perpetual state of being a fool since its not an act.

I'm just saying the 'actin a fool needs to stop'. Maybe instead of "Actin' A Fool" we should start "Readin' A Book"

Neil De Grasse Tyson grew up in the same neighborhood as Mike Tyson. Don't get mad. I'm just keepin' it real.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

The Terrorists Have Won: My Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Review

Imagine my childhood as the Twin Towers of The World Trade Center on the day of September 11, 2001. Those towers represent many fond memories and many of those floors represent those of watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in cartoon form along with the movies along with playing the videogames.

The atmosphere around those towers is like a nice September day in New York City. You can hear the sounds of birds chirping merged with engines back firing and colorful language from fits of road rage. In those towers are memories of Michaelangelo saying cowabunga as Raphael, Leonardo, and Donatello kick Foot Clan ass while working their way to the Shredder. There were videogames based on this story and it made my child hood special despite the huge weight gain and lack of kissing girls.

All of a sudden a plot is hatched where a group of Hollywood terrorists hijack some Megan Fox Boeing 767s at the whim of a terrorist called Michael Bay or Michael Bay Laden if you will. Those planes are hijacked without much resistance, since people like getting pissed as long as it feels nice now a days, and start to make a bee line for those Twin Towers; my child hood memories.

There's some ominous premonitions prior to the movie's release; most notably Megan Fox playing the role of April O'Neil. The fact that her pretty face, flat chest, non-existent trunk was chosen to play the role of the curvy, auburn haired news reporter was forgiveable. Yeah her acting ability makes Keanu Reeves look like Anthony Hopkins but there is still hope. There have been plenty of great movies that had lousy actors. Cuba Gooding Jr. actually won an Oscar so miracles can happen. This movie was not that miracle unless you consider a terrorist miraculous. Yes, I consider this movie a terrorist attack.

Megan Fox was Flight 11 crashing into the North Tower of my childhood. By itself it could have just been an act of the naive or ill-informed on the subject of not crashing planes into skyscrapers; or the concept of selecting an actress that looks like April O'Neil to play April O'Neil. Not a big deal and certainly nothing tragic. I mean it's the Ninja Turtles just like the World Trade Center was the World Trade Center and my child hood memories were my child hood memories. I mean it's not possible that they could actually be under attack right? That would be utterly impossible. Nobody would do that would they? That's what I thought walking into the movie theater and watching the trailers along with my girlfriend, Dani, whom also grew up on Ninja Turtles since we are both in our 30's which means we grew up in the 90's and the 90's were awesome. The only creepy realization I had about 90's was the Carl Winslow was a lousy father who let Steve Urkel stalk his daughter, Laura, in his own house; and he was a cop.

After the trailers the movie started. Just imagine this as the image of Flight 175 coming on-screen. It still doesn't even register as odd at first. The movie starts and there's an April O'Neil that does the news. So far so good; April O'Neil was a news a reported in the original story. That is faithful to the 90's movies, cartoons, videogames, and comics. I never read the comics but understanding 3 out the 4 source materials should be enough to have an understanding of the ninjas on a half shell. I know Michael Bay Laden had to have done some research. Then the foot clan shows up and that's when things start to get a little askew just like when we realized whomever was flying that Boeing 767 wasn't planning on missing the South Tower.

The foot clan looked nothing like the foot clan. Ok, Ok it's 2014 and militarization is a reality. Maybe Michael Bay's Foot Clan got some training with Black Water and has a black market connection for purchasing assault rifles to keep current with the times. Marvel movies does this with its while still staying true to the source material. This couldn't turn into what I think it was about to turn into; could it? I was wrong, I was so wrong and yes it had to with the Flight 11 that was Megan Fox because the Flight 175 also happened to be Megan Fox; more specifically a revelation about the character that Michael Bay was trying convince me was April O'Neil.

The highly, traumatizing impact of what began the destruction of my child hood memory started when Megan Fox meets Splinter after some pseudo-jihadist kidnapping by these Superhero Ninja Turtles that Michael Bay was trying to convince me were in fact my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from my 90's raised childhood. That's when the back story of the Superhero Ninja Turtles, not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but Superhero Ninja Turtles came in. I think you might be starting to realize what I'm getting at, especially those of you that grew up in the 90's and were watching CNN during September 11. That plane was going to hit and those Twin Towers were under attack just like how our child hoods were about to be under attack the moment that there was a back story between April O'Neil and Splinter as well the Superhero Ninja Turtles. Let me explain something guys. There is no going back for this movie as well as us as adults that grew up in the 90's after that since, if you followed the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, THERE IS NO PRIOR CONNECTION BETWEEN APRIL, SPLINTER, AND THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY MET IN THE ORIGINAL STORY!!! I'm sorry for all the caps because it makes me sound like a raving lunatic but I'm acting the exact the same way when Flight 175 hit and everyone that grew up in the 90's, and prior to that went, "OH MY GOD ANOTHER PLANE CRASHED INTO THAT BUILDING!!!! AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK!!" 

In other words Michael Bay----------Who from this day forward will be known as Michael Bay Laden-----directed not one but two Megan Fox Boeing 767 Airliners into The North and South Towers of my childhood so thus from, the transitive property which is the basis of logic, one can only deduce that MY CHILDHOOD WAS UNDER ATTACK!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm not even going to go into detail about the rest of the movie. Just imagine the rest of the movie as the rest of my fond childhood memories. I'm talking about Super Mario, Sonic the Hedgehog, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Michael Jordan, Power Rangers, Ren and Stimpy, The Simpsons, Rugrats, Kris Kross (If you remember them you're definitely from the 90's), Doug, and Lamar Burton from Reading Rainbow all jumping from the flames to their doom to escape the aftermath of Michael Bay Laden before the towers completely collapsed into a pile of smoldering rubble, gore, and screams.

Thanks to this movie I no longer have a child hood. I'd like to paint some ray of hope somewhere but I would just be lying and I don't want to lie to you people; especially you guys in your 30's because there is a depressing reality that this tragedy of a movie has shown us. Our childhoods are officially over and our adult lives will never be the same again.

Never forget :(

P.S. Barack Obama, please issue an Executive Order to have Michael Bay Laden brought to justice for Crimes Against our Childhoods. I beg of you.




My Apologies: The Pit Bull Story

I need to apologize to the owner of a pit bull. I was really drunk one night and was walking to my car to give some people a ride; I would also like to apologize to those people too; you know who you are. I walk by this fenced in yard and I was a little buzzed and by a little I was probably three times past the legal limit. With that said I also want to apologize to the Charleston Police Department.

On the other side of the fence was this pitbull barking it's head off at me like I was Michael Vick, Now sober me would have just kept walking because you know? Pitbulls can kick your ass if you disrespect their territory. They are not mean animals. They are just protective and at the time it thought I was threat. He was just being a doggy bouncer. Sober me would have known me.

However sober me had gone wee-wee-wee all the way to oblivion at the moment. Instead there was this asshole around called Drunk Me. Drunk Me is a very mean guy.who calls fat girls on their muffin tops and insults frat boys on their Polo shirts. He's an asshole. He makes grown men and women cry without putting a hand on them. He could be head of the IRS or Cuntcast; I don't call it Comcast I call it Cuntcast.

Drunk Me was walking by that gate, heard the dog, had whiskey and PBR coursing through his veins, thought that the pit bull was disrespecting his authority granted to him by his existence and turned to the gate with a bit of advice, "SHUT UP YOU FUCKING DOG!!!!" which Drunk Me followed by kicking the gate which the pit bull was standing behind.

Now here is the other thing about Drunk Me; he doesn't know his own strength. Drunk Me thought that kick to the gate was going to be a light kick that would establish dominance over the Pit Bull and let him know that there was a MMA fighter that wasn't afraid of Pit Bulls on the other side. However, that kick sent that gate flying open and apparently scared the ever loving piss out of that Pit Bull. I guess I should apologize to that pit bull now. I actually like pit bulls and all other animals. I may eat some of them, not Pit Bulls because I'm not Korean but I love them regardless.

The pit bull did shut up since I guess he realized that there was someone very mean and drunk on the other side but then the porch light for the house came on.

Now this is where Sober Me would have faced the consequences like a responsible adult but like I said Sober Me had been beaten back by a combination of alcohols that only Clint Eastwood could withstand. Drunk Me was there and Drunk Me looked at the now terrified individuals who had no idea what to think. Drunk Me decided this was the time get his Ray Lewis on and looked to them and said, 'Let's get the fuck outta here."

We drove off at a speed that was reasonably higher than the speed limit and everyone got home safe.

Long story short there may come a time in the future where a guy will get a note on his door step that says:

Hey,

You don't know me and I'm too scared to tell you who I am but here's $1,000. Sorry about the gate.

Sorry about Drunk Me,
Sober Me

P.S. Tell your dog, "woof woof", which I think is, "Sorry, my bad" in dog talk. I hope he is doing well and back to his gate barking ways.

Monday, August 11, 2014

The Porn I Like

I'm a straight guy but I don't watch lesbian porn. I like watching penetration; a lot of penetration. The more cocks in a chick the better. Especially when its multiple cocks going in the same hole. 

The best part is when you are watching two straight guys fucking a chick in the same hole and both are getting off on one side of their dick rubbing on the side of another guy's dick. 

I mean how do they do deal with this? Its not like they are gay or bi where it's instantly fine with them. These are straight guys having orgasms, in part, from rubbing their cock on another guy's cock. 

What do I know? I just jerk off to girls being slutty as guys rub their cocks on each other in them.

Four Hoaxes and Maybe a Funeral

Dani: "Robin Williams died."

Me: "Is it a hoax"

Dani: "No, he is really dead."

Thanks to the internet I have to ask if every person's death is a hoax. I can't wait till my friends and family start dying so I can start asking if their death is a hoax.

I can't wai till my mom tells me my grandmother is dead.

Mom: (sobbing tears) "Frankie, Grammy passed away."

Me: "Is it a hoax?"

Mom: "No, how could you even ask me that? I'm crying."

Me: "I don't know. I thought you might be trying to sell a hoax and are a good actor."

Thanks Internet. I can't even be sure if old people are dead now.

It's going to really suck when I show up to an ex-girlfriend's funeral and I have to finger her corpse to make sure it's really her. I doubt a hoaxer would be able to forge a dead ex-girlfriend's pussy.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Death




I don't deal with death like a normal person. The only deaths I have cried over were my dad's, a Cocker Spaniel I used to have named Sonny, a friend from the first grade named Joe Shoeford (Yea, I was Joe's Buddy), and Kate Waring whom was the victim of a homicide. That's 4 people compared however many people I have known that aren't around anymore.

I realized I didn't handle death like a normal person when I witnessed an autopsy when I was 18 for my thesis on "Mycobacteriophages and DNA Vaccines for Tuberculosis". Yeah, the same guy that passed up on a free ride to Duke because he'd rather punch and choke guys in spandex; no-boner.

I witnessed everything first hand. The scalpel delicately carving the Y-incinsion in the chest and abdomen. The exposing of the rib cage by pulling the skin off like its a wrapper for cold cuts. Get it? Cold cuts because a dead body is cold and cut open?

I watched as the pathologist/coroner used saw that could cut through bone, but not skin, to cut open the deceased's rib cage. I began to have an odd curiosity as every organ was removed and weighed like meat at a butcher shop. I held my nose at the behest of the coroner as the gall bladder was removed since the smell was two steps beyond anything that could be produced by a port-a-potty 4 days into Bonaroo.
I watched as an incision was made from ear lobe to ear lobe along the rear base of the man's skull before the skin was pulled up and scrunched the front the guy's face making it look like that of a shar pei sucking on a lemon. The the skull was opened up with the saw to expose the guys brain so it could also be removed and weighed. I remember having to keep from laughing as they left the guy like that to go to lunch. To me it was a dead guy with a face like a stack of flap jacks at the moment. I had no emotions but I was hungry for some Subway.

This baffled my mom as I explained it to her. I guess she was expecting me to come crying to her so she could reassure me with some promise of Heaven or whatever fairy tale she used to escape pragmatism. Instead she just got an explanation of what happened in detail like you just got. Hungry?
The truly odd thing about me is that blood and guts doesn't bother me but spoiled food will make me vomit like a runway model minus shoving a finger down my throat whilst my head hovers above a toilet seat with cocaine residue.

I won't say that I became apathetic towards death that day but I would be lying if I had said that it was a traumatic experience. It was more calming than anything else. I realized that our perspectives towards mortality were highly skewed. I hadn't formed a concrete opinion on it but I knew most people had it dead wrong; all pun intended. As the years went on I started to experience more and more tragedy as friends and family began dying off. As I am writing this I am dealing with the passing of another family member. As odd as it might sound I m actually relieved that he passed away since he was suffering from issues that began to take hold of him after my dad passed away. He was an artist like I aspire to be, him with piano while I try to with a keyboard and a microphone, and like many an artist he was suffering the end result when you lose other intellectuals to bounce ideas off of from your social circle. In this case the beginning of the end was the passing of my dad. It was a very harsh blow to myself and my family; but I noticed it was especially hard for him. The spark that made him who he was lost. The particles of intellectual curiosity that he was entangled to were no longer around to communicate. For an intellectual this is worse than death.

That's because the ultimate drug for an intellectual is a stimulating conversation. For him it was over a chess board with my dad during holiday gatherings. For most guys it's sex but a smart guy eventually realizes sex is just a drug that gets skewed from the idolization of a society that continues to look upon it with a reverence of ego and ignorance. That's why I get laid; to me sex is just a drug that keeps me stable and is relatively healthy compared to our other "important" activities that ironically revolve around sexual selection. If natural selection governs the evolution of life then sexual selection governs the evolution of modern society. My uncle knew this along with my dad as I have I come to learn it. The best high an intellectual can have is a eureka moment from conversing with those that think outside the box. Go long enough without that then you just wish to go off in peace with your dignity intact. That's why I choose to struggle with money by writing and doing comedy instead of just tossing my free will to the side and joining the rat race we call capitalism. Don't get me wrong, capitalism allows me that luxury but it takes pawns for such a luxury to exist.

 The biggest disservice I could do to our society or myself is to live by its dogmas. That's why I'm going to achieve fame or die trying; probably in a hotel bedroom with my corpse surrounded by used condoms and the crescendo of screams of a mixed race coed whom just discovered that erections happen from rigor mortis.

I can make such a statement nonchalantly because I won't know it when it happens because I'll be dead. Just like most people that have ever existed are as well as 99% of life that ever walked this Earth has. They died, they are gone, for most of them they were cannon fodder to be emulsified to fuel the train that is life and unlike most trains life is a Transformer that wipes the floor with anything of its presence and choosing anytime it wishes. That's because life has the inevitable trump card of death and what many fail to realize is that they are just drugs built upon drugs. That's what death is; it's a drug. It's the altering of an experience only there is no coming down from it once given too big a dose. Life is a drug too. It's all drugs. One drug allows the experience of evolved primates that complain about Justin Beiber, Ebola, the economy, and the line at Starbucks while the other offers silence or a dream. Just like any drug, death gets a lot of bad press via the idolization of society but once you try it it's probably not that bad.

Worst comes to worse well----actually that's not even the worst. It's just an altered experience. What's really the worst is wasting an experience on the fear of an unknown experience. If you want to get over the concept of death then stop worrying about it since death is a very good drug dealer. It'll give you your dose when you're ready and you won't even have to worry about it because you'll be dead. Now go out there and make your life something worth dying for. That's the way you beat death, by making your juice not worth it's squeeze until it relinquishes itself to operating on your terms. That's how winning is done.  

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Dear United Jerkoffs of 'Merica

I'm getting sick of you 'Mericans that don't agree with someone's opinion and says, "Well, if you don't like it you can leave!"

How about no? Shit head. This is the United States of America, not the United Jerkoffs of 'Merica, and this country was founded on free speech and standing up for your opinion;  not running away over a disagreement.

If you don't like someone's opinion then too bad. That's what freedom of speech is about. I have the right to express my opinion. You have the right to agree or disagree with it. If it bothers you that bad then you can walk away or stay while yammering on like a pot-bellied inbred. You can argue your fictional socialist hippie. I can argue science, logic, and democracy.

You also have the freedom to fuck your cousin. I wont ask you to leave the country if you do because that's your choice. I may not agree with it but I do agree with your right to do it.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Murder: An American Solution to a Human Problem

USA!!!!!

 Humans are, in nature, filthy animals that have the luxury of soap and Starbucks to justify whatever sense of dignity they have left. They’re disgusting yet they get grossed out by cooties. They’re crafty little fuckers and stubborn as a Kentucky midget trying to bone a mule. They are also spreading like a contagion across the planet. It’s happening at an accelerating rate and it’s a major threat to their survival. If you do the math humans are basically whiskey to Earth. Sooner or later the bitch is going to have to kick the habit of allowing them to live if some moderation isn’t brought back into the picture. We need a cure and ironically the cure could also be what has given rise to the disease; Murder.

 Humans are immensely skilled at killing. It’s an innate part of our survival instincts. It’s how we still exist and how our numbers have grown over generations. Humans have every other organism on this planet beat when it comes to killing. It kills so well that it has gotten to a point where it only kills under certain criteria even though it is very subjective depending on the beliefs per human. Beliefs are the rules of engagement for the killing machine known as homo sapien. In some ways humanity can be seen as an extinction level event within itself. It kills so much that it may actually indirectly kill itself in a fashion akin to Clyde from Law Abiding Citizen in a suicidal fashion; Extinction Level Event Assisted Suicide if you will. Of course that assist will come from Hydrogen Sulfide produced by our oceans since they will become too warm to sustain bacteria that produce oxygen which we kind of need for our lives of cappuccinos and mass shootings at movie theatres as well bacon wrapped fried chicken infused hot fudge chocolate covered sundaes.

 At the rate that we are poisoning the ocean , which in reality IS mother nature, in this or the next few generations we are going to face possible extinction if we haven’t found another floating rock to lay our Wal-Marts down on. Such an extinction that I mentioned above has already happened at least 5 times in our planet’s past.

It’s bound to happen again and we are making it happen way faster than any of us would like. Kind of the same way that we like to chain smoke cigarettes in a nonchalant manner and then start speaking in pseudo-philosophical tones to tug on people’s heart strings the second we develop a tumor. We are great at killing but afraid of dying; it’s quite the paradox. What’s really funny is that fear of death is what is driving us to kill ourselves. My solution is to do what has always helped cure our ails in the past; to start killing each other. I think not only should we start killing each other but I also think it should be made legal and merged into the very Rule of Law itself. It worked for Feudal Japan and I think it can work for the rest of humanity as well. You just need a sect of humanity that is really good at murdering people; perhaps a pseudo-democracy that is the world’s police whom has enough drones and nuclear bombs to turn our planet into the ultimate Call of Duty multiplayer map?

 That’s right I think Americans should be the ones to save humanity from certain destruction in the only way it knows how; killing shit loads of people.  For most of our country’s existence we have been in the closet about the murderous psychopathy of our nation’s collective consciousness but in this age of transparency I think it’s time we came out of the closet about it. If coming out can help same-sex marriage then it could certainly help with the progress of human on human population control. Here are some of my ideas to institute this process and the first one should be quite obvious and by that I mean genocide.

Genocide:
Humanity needs another major genocide. I mean one more mass killing of those we deem as sub-human sanctioned by a world power and I think it should be the US Government taking up the torch on it. We know they are good at it. We just need to murder the right people this time and by that I mean conservative, dumb, white Anglo-Saxon protestant twats that ruin everything for everyone else because they can't let go of their fossil fuel addiction. In other words, anyone that takes Fox News seriously.

 Another group that needs to go is all these whiny, hipster, liberal queef stains that feels every single transgression requires a bra burning and an Occupy protest followed by a trip to Starbucks and then the Steve Jobs cathedral known as the Apple Store. Let’s definitely murder those fuckers too. IED’s in the iPads perhaps? iBombs have a nice ring doesn’t it? These jerkoffs are just as flawed as the twats on the Rupert Murdoch payroll and should die like their conservative brethren as well.

 Next up is all these racist ass black people trying to be the coffee response to the Tea Party. These wanna-be Malcolm X jerk offs that feel giving a tip would be an affront to their civil rights. If you can't afford to tip a delivery driver then order some fucking carry out. Also stop inspecting your wings to see if they are fried. I get it, you people like grease and yes, I do mean you people specifically. You fuckers need to die via being run over by a herd 64' Impalas that are jumping on hydros like they have stage 3 Parkinson’s.

 Another group of people that should die from Ricin laced Guinness should be Irish people. I'm not even going to dignify them with a reason.

 We don’t need to kill all of them. Just about 95% of them. Since we need some around that can be rescued from the Wal-Mart concentration camps that can tell about the horrors of the Twatocaust at low, low prices.

 In the end the only people that should be left to live are porn stars, intellectuals, house cleaners, midgets, beige people, American born Gingers from New Jersey, and women that have sex with American Born Gingers from New Jersey.

Come on Obama. Issue the order. I'll start rounding them up  :D.

Now I know genocide might not be the most politically correct method of murdering people and honestly political correctness has proven to be very effective when needing a moral leg to stand on while killing people so maybe we should be more creative with mas population control. Maybe we need to bring murder into a realm that tends to make any American want to bust a few caps in somebody. It’s one of our favorite past times; professional athletics.

Professional Sports:

I think we should up the ante in professional sports. If a city's team wins a Championship then the residents of that city should be allowed to kill anyone else from a city that has a team in that league. Can you imagine what it would do for the airline industry? Just imagine the conversations with TSA agents:

SpursFan: “Is there a problem?”

TSAAgent: “Well you seem to be carrying a loaded Glock .40, a few combat knives, and about 5 pounds of Semtex with you. Do you have any credentials for this?”

SpursFan: “Oh yeah, sorry. Here’s my Spurs Championship hat showing evidence of our recent NBA Finals.”

TSAAgent: “Hmmm…well that looks to be in order. Are you traveling to Miami for business or pleasure?”

SpursFan: (sporting a smirk while looking at his Glock on the table) “Both :)”

Shit, you don’t even have to restrict it to residents of cities that have championship teams. Maybe just on a week-to-week, fan-on-fan basis; it would give a new meaning to the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox rivalry. As we all know when it comes to murder new York and Boston are very exceptional in that. Could you imagine what would happen during a double header? Yankees fans gunning down Red Sox fans for a few hours and then Red Sox fans returning the favor; they would amount a higher body count than the 9/11 hijackers and the Tsarnaev brothers combined, in a day.

Now imagine that strung over an entire season. Could you imagine what would happen to the fans of teams whose teams were having developing years? They would develop much faster; I can guarantee you that shit. Besides, teams are all about getting the fans involved. Nothing a few hollow points and a laser pointer can’t fix. I know for sure plenty of Oakland fans would love cross into San Francisco with their gats stocked and loaded.

 Shit, we can take murder fandom and apply it worldwide to soccer. Could you imagine the fan fair for the World Cup?  Shit Germany just won it. What if that win meant Germans could legally go around the world systematically murdering people for 4 years. Shit they only had a portion of Europe to do it in during World War II and managed to kill 15 million people before the Allies came in. When it comes to murdering people in a systematic fashion Germany is one of the only countries to give us a run for our money besides Russia, Japan, and China. Well maybe Mongolia as well when Ghenghis Khan was around.

Could imagine the fan fare around a game between Germany and Israel? Holy shit they would be running wind sprints like a motherfucker for it. The Germans would just for the sheer fact that the Israelis would be looking for payback for that whole 1933 to 1945 thing, Just imagine Israel winning the World Cup and marching into Germany to start putting protestant Krauts into gas chambers. Shit they wouldn’t even have to call them showers since they wouldn’t have to hide it. I think four years would be enough time to get Jews and Aryans back on a 1:1 ratio in terms of population. After that they could just go and nuke fuck out of Iran or if Iran won it they could go into Isreal and kill the fuck out of them.

 Sports and Murder should go hand in hand but then that might not even be enough. What we really need to do is integrate murder into the very fabric of the American political landscape itself. That’s right, murder for democracy or murder as democracy itself. Having a hard time following me on this one? Allow me to explain:

Murder as the new Democratic process:

I think murder should be the new democracy. When you turn 18 you should be given a gun and you can kill anyone that is also of legal voting age and each bullet would count as a vote and each person you kill counts as a dollar. So if you want some starbucks you have to kill 5 people. It would give new meaning to vote or die which means P.Diddles would be all over this shit. No polling booths. no electoral college. The only votes that would matter would be bullets and exit wounds.

Now they wouldn’t be given a big gun off the bat. Something small like a .22 Revolver or a cross-bow if they are one of those types that jerk off to Daryl from The Walking Dead. The rules for this society would work much like the rules of Grand Theft Auto minus most of the cop trouble since the only requirement would be for them to do or say something that YOU deem stupid and a threat to the American way of life. Fox News and CNN would never be short of breaking news ever again. Also you wouldn’t respawn if you got murdered since life isn’t that kind of game even though it may be if you go by simulation theory. Maybe you get respawned at a hospital in another dimension. All I know is here in our dimension you get murdered and its done. You’re voting rights are revoked permanently and it’s a dollar in your killer’s bank account. There would also be added incentives involved to get the laziest of Americans out there doing their duties as a tax payer. You would level up in a sense. Here would be the break down:

Level 1: 100 Kills

Reward: an UZI and a 5% discount on ammo at Wal-Mart

Yes, instead of Ammu-nation you would just go to Wal-Mart. Don’t worry, the person working behind the gun counter would just as much a right-nut job as the dude at the videogame gun counter. If you wanted to you could kill the guy and take all the ammo from behind the desk but bear in mind everyone else in Wal-Mart would have a gun as well so you might want to think twice; especially if you haven’t purchased the UZI and the ammo for it yet.

Level 2: 500 kills

Reward: an M16 assault rifle and body armor

I first thought about making the reward and AK47 but this is ‘Merica and thus we should mow down other Americans in a ‘Merican fashion. If you have gotten to this level you have probably figured out that Cuntcast, I call it Cuntcast instead of Comcast, is a great place to visit when you want to kill a lot of people but need some motivation. Try spending a week getting an issue with your broadband modem sorted out and you’ll have all the encouragement that you need.

Level 3: 1000 kills

Reward: A rocket launcher

You’ll never be bored at a baseball game ever again. Just bear in mind you can’t blow up the players because that would throw controversy into the whole winning team’s city killing people from other city thing. Frag responsibly. You don’t want your city to have an asterisk because that would qualify it for a nuclear bombing.

Level 4: 10,000 kills

Reward: An Abrahams Tank
Once you have reached this level the normal laws of of this new American society will no longer apply to you because you have a tank. You will be the lion of the urban jungle and allowed to kill with impunity because you have a tank. You will not have to answer to most anyone and will be part of the upper 1%. A have instead of a have not if you will since you have a tank. Just remember their might be other tanks around so diplomacy would still be a wise option at times.

Level 5: 50,000 kills

Reward: A drone with laser guided hell fire and tomahawk missiles.
Congratulations! You have reached the Jay-Z Hova level status of murder and democracy not mention capitalism. For being a good American you now have access the most advanced means of aerial warfare; sitting in a chair in front of a monitor with a joystick. You can commit mass murder for democracy without even leaving your house. Just bear in mind you may not want to tweet or facebook about it because someone with a drone might trace the IP address back your location and lets just say people with drones don’t like competition.

Level 6: 1,000,000 kills

Reward: A stealth drone with nuclear warheads.

Damn dawg! You’ve become the Bill Gates of murder. You’re like Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong, Hitler, Michael Jordan, heart disease, and religion all rolled into one. You are an Alpha and Omega of American Citizenship. For that we give you the greatest weapon of destruction known to man besides cigarettes and McDonalds; a nuclear bomb. Now there are some requirments for this. You can only nuke cities in the US and only ones with an asterisk; every city in Ohio will already have an asterisk because we could all use a little less Ohio.
The only two rules would be that you could only kill stupid people and you couldn’t kill kids because they would need time to study the killing habits of adults.

 That’s basically my idea for saving our species in a nut shell. However in the meantime there are people that I think should be killed regardless just for existing. The list is as follows:

-Guys that own more than 10 Polo shirts
-Guys that own Land Rovers
-People that say, “Trust Me”
-anyone that sags their pants
-women that suck at blow jobs over the age of 25
-people that drink Mountain Dew
-anyone that owns a Smart Car
-people that use Religious Reasons
-Sarah McClachlan
-anyone that was ever in the Mickey Mouse Club
-anyone that appears on the Disney Channel besides kids
 -guys in the military that feel they are owed something for joining the military
-Michael Vick
-people that ask and give promises to people that they like
-woman that say, “You don’t a condom because I’m on birth control.”
-woman that demand you to wear a condom even if they are on birth control
-guys that spread herpes after falling for the whole, “You don’t need a condom I’m on birth control bit
-anyone that roots for the Dallas Cowboys that isn’t from Dallas
-anyone that roots for the Oakland Raiders that hasn’t killed 5 people
-Gun Rights lobbyists
-Gun Control lobbyists
-religious people
-atheist people
-agnostic people that aren’t Neil DeGrasse Tyson
-anyone that gets angry over porn
-women that spit and don’t swallow
-guys that spit and don’t swallow
-people that watch Game of Thrones
-people that watch the Bravo Network
-people that work at the Bravo Network

That’s about what I got for now. I’ll be sure to add more to the list :D.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Proof that I get pussy.....

Something that cracks me a lot is when I have to kick some rich jerk off out of a bar or toy with the emotions of some guido on Facebook and they say, "YOU DON'T GET PUSSY." My enjoyment at such an insult stems from the fact that most people that consider themselves friends of mine are women that have given me pussy. They're awesome for it and they know who they are. There's way more of them than I write about on my blog. Honestly, I'm not sure if it's still above or below 100 women. That's best estimate I can give. The fact that I have never had an STD still amazes me since I do use condoms but like any guy that gets laid regularly; it's hit and miss. I might be playing Russian Roulette but then again act of sexual intercourse is.

Condoms are great but they aren't fool proof and thats when you actually remember to pack one. Sometimes you have one and sometimes you actually believe that former Hooter's waitress from Los Angeles when she says, "It's ok, I'm on birth control" because those tits are too amazing to pass up on a formality. I still ask if they have been tested every time because women are as not as good at lying as most guys think. Most people can't lie on the spot point blank including women. Even your mom or my mom. Love you mom but not in that way; obviously. We are from New Jersey, not Kentucky.

However, this is all talk. I mean how can anyone know for sure that I really do get laid? I mean as far as anyone knows I may have just read Tucker Max's novels (which I have) and watched a shit load of porn. I mean I could have made every story up that is on this blog. I'll be honest also with the fact that I did begin to have more sex after reading Tucker's books since he kind of opened me up to the idea of using morality as a tool instead of as a code to live life by.

So how can i really prove that I'm am also narcissistic, sex maniac has had success in going H.A.M. on honey's g-spot like a prime Mike Tyson on crank? 

A sex tape. That's how. So without further ado here is a video of me getting pussy in my own personal sex tape. It was shot by the husband of swinging couple whom I met on craigslist. Her face is blurred out for the sake of protecting her identity. For the sake of my narcissism my face is in full view for the sake of proving that it is in fact me putting the cream in this Columbian's coffee. Just click on the link and enjoy :D.

Disclaimer: If you are under the age of 18, disregarded the parental warning before entering this blog, and currently a virgin in high school then let this be a lesson in how it is done. Oh yeah and there is a lot of my ass from that male butt angle.






This is another one that I found on my Droid. If you remember FreeBird from my previous stories than you can now watch her taking all my 7.5 inch glory to her colon:


Fox News Logic

So recently I  got into a social media spat with a group of some closeted homosexual Marines that are part of an internet group called POG Boot Fuck. Let's just say I made a two sentence joke that was based on reverse psychology aimed towards the warmongers you see ranting and raving about how Barack Obama is a communist-fascist Alien lizard king. The thing that angers me more about politicians than anything else is when they decide to use people in our armed forces as cannon fodder any chance they can turn a profit from it. It takes a lot to sicken me but when politicians and bad parenting brainwash parents and their kids into signing their life away to the military industrial complex I'm going to have an opinion. It will be well thought but an opinion none the less. The joke was as follows:

"I hope we invade Iraq again. It will be much easier to get laid when these bitches husband's are overseas." 

I posted the joke on my Facebook (Frank Waz) and Twitter (gingersamurai25) then went bed nice and early at 8 in the morning. Well I jerked off to some internet porn and passed out on the couch at 8 in the morning. I figured some people would be pissed and some would find the humor in it. That's what I thought, I really did. It wouldn't be any different than any of my other blunt yet eccentric posts on social media. I was wrong, I was so so wrong. I was honestly surprised that Jeff Goldblum didn't knock on my door to inform that was one of the worst ideas in the long, long history of bad ideas before a mechanical T-Rex designed by DARPA came busting in through the house. 

I woke up to more Facebook notifications than I had ever seen and they were all pissed off Marines with messages that had the these overall themes:

-That I should keep my mouth shut

-That I should be shot

-I should have my ass kicked

-That they were going to kill me

-That they were RAPE me..

-That I was a faggot

The last two points were quite peculiar since the last time I checked wanting to force your cock into a guy's asshole without his consent was the epitome of being a fag. Then again what do I know? I just eat pussy and have sex with various friends with benefits when I'm not delivering pizzas to drunk college kids or babysitting drunk adults in a Roadhouse sort of way minus the spinning heel kicks. If you throw a spinning kick in a crowded bar then you're an idiot and deserve rip to your ACL.

Long story short shit got way out of hand real quick and the next thing I knew there were 9 Marines that came looking for me at a bar that I did security at. Luckily, for me (and them) I was working at my other job so they basically went around talking shit about me like a bunch of spoiled, drunk white girls. They were basically there trying to get me fired and cost me a $75 a week paycheck. You know someone is pretty pissed off when they go out of their to cost you $75. I was pretty amazed by this. I pissed a portion of the Marine Corps so much that they basically formed a lynch squad to come after me like I had just flown a plane into a building. They were this pissed off by two sentences; two lines of words. Suck it Edward Snowden.

At the same time I'm a  realist though and despite the fact that I do have years of training in multiple forms of hand to hand combat not mention that I have put Marines to sleep before, big ones, I understand the meaning of 9 on 1. I've handled 6 on 1 before but 9 on 1 might be too much for even me. I saw how far out of hand that it could get since I had already seen how far out of hand it already was and did what any responsible, intelligent adult would do. I sought out one of them, a Marine, whom I went to high school with and was one of my best friends to try and resolve this in a diplomatic manner. If you read the "Johnny Walker Blue" story then you can probably guess who it is. If Marines will take orders from Obama then there is always hope for restraint. He informed me he could help out and write a piece on my Facebook even though there would be some humor at my expense. I do stand-up comedy; I'm use to having my balls busted. I informed him that whatever he could do would be appreciated. This is what he posted:

" Ok Listen UP you devil dogs, I know that Frank can be an idiot. Let me start by saying that he says most of this shit just to get a response from people. Well he got one on this post huh? Lets be smart gentlemen showing up at his work looking for trouble is going to cause you trouble in the future. I'm talking about prison time for beating his ass and/or harassment I've known Frank for a long time, he doesn't go looking for anyone wives. Like I said he says shit to see the reaction. So lets be smart devil dogs and not end anyone's career or send anyone to jail cuz someone wants to be stupid on social media. I've talked to Frank and he will use better judgement before he does shit like this again. So lay off him don't ruin your selves to get "even" about a dumb post. Lets be smart here brothers.

SSgt  [Marine] 3/8 Lima Co Wpns Plt"


Even though it's only been a day since, as of this writing, it seems as though the waters have settled. Still though I was pissed about the harassment that I took and knew it wasn't all of the Marine Corps; it was POG Boot Fuck. I had done some research on them when all this shit was hitting a red line and noticed they were already under investigation by the Marine Corps for harassing and stalking people online. I decided to place a report with one of their Facebook groups and they were promptly removed. It was a small victory but I'll take any that I can get. That wasn't the end as a Facebook friend decided to attempt some ideological humor at my expense in the way any idiot with an internet connection does; a meme. This is it as follows:



Basically the gist of it is that philosophical questions regarding monotheism can be solved with violence while invoking religious reasons and the military industrial complex as scapegoats. A military industrial complex used as a scapegoat. Hows that for irony? 

This meme pretty much captured the essence of of Fox News/Jihadist Islamaphobe logic. In Samuel L. Jackson fashion here was my retort:

A Jewish math teacher in Germany in 1939 walks into class and says, "2+2=4. If it equals 5 may Hitler walk in the next 15 minutes and shoot me dead. An SS soldier taking classes in between deployments of rounding up people for concentration camps waits till its about 15 minutes then pulls out his gun and shoots him in the head killing the teacher instant;y. When other students ask for an explanation the SS trooper responds by saying, " The Fuhrer is too busy killing these Jews to be bothered with Math."
Now replace 2+2=4 with reality, 2+2=5 with Religious Reasons, and the SS soldier with gun nuts and you'll understand the psyche of people that watch Fox News.


That's the real problem in this country. The old guard not willing to give into evolution. That the time of Protestants is coming to an end and just like any tyrants who's numbers are dwindling they are now resorting to espionage but not of the technological variety but of the social and cultural variety. They are trying to overthrow the First Amendment itself. That's why they always speak of "The Truth" and "The Founding Fathers" with the latter if find very humorous since if Thomas Jefferson were here at this very moment he would line every single one of these jerk offs up and shoot them in head for treason. That reason being that they have been trying to merge Christianity and American society into one entity. Not only is it unconstitutional but it is in fact treason. The attempts of this group POG Boot Fuck to silence me on the account of one joke is treason as well but of a much lesser degree. I'm not going to rant on here about how they should be hung because they honestly shouldn't. Despite all of their threats and insults, not to mention showing up to my job to get me fired and possibly lynch me, they are just merely the by products of this brain washing that is part of our society and is only exacerbated by the brainwashing  training that Marines must endure to become part of the Corps. 

They are a necessary part of our military as they the tip of the spear that clears the way for the Army Rangers to lead the way in the event of armed conflict that may once again take place in Iraq due to the Bush Family's prior fuck ups there. This time it should actually be about giving the people of Iraq their country back from people that want to push them back to short-sighted and dogmatic rules of law based in works of ancient science fiction. America is becoming an increasingly secular nation along with the Middle East. That's what the Arab Spring was about; true democracy brought by the internet. 

What has been happening to me is the result if the old guards espionage. It's the result of it's last generational gasp and short-sighted nurturing. America is no longer about a country. It's about a species just as other industrialized nations are. Our world is no longer about how many bombs you can drop but how many messages you can get across. That's what sets our country apart; we are unmatched in the weapon of advertising because advertising plants ideas. It sways opinion and it can topple governments.

The bottom-line is that I hit a nerve with that Old Guard and it got way out of hand. Then again maybe that needed to happen. Maybe the psyche of the Marine Corps needs to evolve along with the rest of our country because these are no longer the times of Super Power vs Super Power. It's Billboard vs Billboard. It's who can generate the message that attracts the biggest audience. It's all about ratings whether positive or negative. 

I'm just about making my mark and seeing where the pieces lie. Sometimes those pieces want to get up and shatter you.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Stuff You See on the Road...

Here's something thing that drives me nuts. People that say, "No matter how I feel about someone if they were broken down on the side of the road I'd help them". Oh really? How long have you been working at AAA for? Do you own a tow truck? Are a rogue vigilante that drives around the mean streets looking for a case of a flat tire or a dead car battery? Do you have a side kick in a tower in a tow yard that alerts you to the next instance of a Honda stuck in a ditch?

I drive down the road everyday and see people broken down on the road around 3-5 times a week. You know what I do? I bet it's the same thing most of you people do. Especially at 4AM since you don't want to explain why you are trying to be a contributing member to society with alcohol on your breath since you couldn't turn down those last 5 oyster shooters from that mixed race chick with the big tits and fuck me eyes.

I KEEP THE FUCK ON DRIVING!!!!

You know why?

I DON'T KNOW THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

For all I know that could be next craigslist killer that is looking for some practice before starting up a GMail account. You know? A little pre-maiming?

That's why I stopped working for AAA. I wasn't getting paid enough to risk getting murdered.

Another thing that grates my mind like its being raped with a salted pineapple. What the fuck is with people buying dogs? I don't get it. I see stray dogs on the road all the fucking time. FREE DOGS. On the road all the time. Yet people go to pounds and farms and other pet boutiques to spend money on a dog.

That would be like me being a in a bar filled with chicks. HOT CHICKS. All of them are walking around with recent STD results in hand and shirts saying, "FREE PUSSY" while also yelling, "FREE PUSSY!!" like it's peanuts at a baseball game. 


"FREE PUSSY HERE. GOT SOME FREE PUSSY HERE. SHAVED PUSSY, BLACK PUSSY, LATIN PUSSY, MIXED RACE PUSSY FOR ALL YOUR PROGRESSIVE PEOPLE. 

ALL THE FREE, HOT, DISEASE FREE, NO STRINGS ATTACHED PUSSY that you'd want.

For the ladies just imagine this bar is also filled with nude Channing Tatum clones with raging 12 inch erections while giving you those seductive bad boy eyes. He's ready to drill your pussy like he wants to put a ring on it.

You are in this awesome place. You pull out your wallet. Count your money and say to yourself, "Ehh..I'd rather go buy some pussy (or cock) at the whore house."

If you want a dog go get one off the street.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Honest Craigslist Sex Ads

Anyone that knows me knows that I like using the Internet for getting laid among other pursuits that involve my heads; big and little. The overwhelming majority of my sex life can be attributed to the electronic web. The rest can be attributed to bars, night clubs, college parties, and Brazilian jiu-jitsu lessons. I started with online fucking, or online dating for you politically correct HPV fearing individuals, way back before the days of Tinder, FetLife, or BangWithFriends. Around 2005 to be exact. This was when Facebook was just starting to become popular as well as Myspace. If you wanted sex with no strings attached via the web your best bet was Yahoo Instant Messenger. Then the spammers started showing up and it basically became a spot to get a virus; computer ones along with herpes. Then craigslist came along and that's when my sex life really started taking off. I could probably write a book just on how to get laid via craigslist but honestly I am starting to get annoyed with CL; that's craigslist for those that still don't still think the internet is something your school lunch teacher used to wear while talking about the latest episode of the Andy Griffith show.

The drawback with Craigslist along with anything else involving human beings is that their is a lot of bullshit. People might be honest about wanting to get their rocks off but that's pretty much all you can conclude with any amount of certainty. How they go about satisfying those intentions is when all the drama starts. One second you think you are flirting with a 10, get a picture of a 10, and then they meet you out at Applebee's looking like they ate that 10 along three others along with picking up a chain smoking habit. It comes with the territory. You take the good with the fat rolls and cigarette burns. Sex might be easy to come by on on the internet but honesty is a luxury just like in any other facet of life. Our country isn't great because it's honest, our country is great because it gets what it wants. For the sake of fantasy let's make believe we do live in an honest society and that everyone that was looking for sex online could pass a polygraph about who they really are. Here'e what some ads on the casual encounter's section of craigslist would look like:


GUN POWDER AND LEAD (22F Suburbia, somewhere near Florida)

Hi. I love tattoos and have my right arm covered in one. I have a black girl ass but I'm not into black guys because my parents would never talk to me again but for sake of political correctness I'll call it a preference. I'm great at sucking dick but lousy at choosing boyfriends. For fun, besides giving blow jobs and being used by frat boys, I like to go to karaoke and sing about going home to load my shot gun, sitting on the porch, and lighting a cigarette. Email me for a pic and if you aren't a minority then let's meet up for a few drinks at a dive bar with bras on the ceilings.


TALKS LIKE A BLACK DUDE, ACTS LIKE A WHITE BITCH (39M Bronx)

I'm a 6'4" Black dude which is why white bitches sleep with me. They are all fat and usually have self esteem issues. So if you come from an abusive household and spend most of your free time at Spencer's then get up with me so that I can do my best Tucker Max impression since I wish that I could be a rich like a frat boy even though Tucker Max never was a frat boy. Being black I do have a 9" cock and I sort of know how to use with all of the experience that I brag about to all of my buddies even though I will tell you that I do no such thing. If I think that you are really cool I will offer to fist your asshole with Crisco. If you ever want to see me act like an Uncle Tom with PMS then just kick me to the curb since I hate getting a dose of my own medicine due to innate self esteem issue of my own as well confusion about my sexual orientation. Send me a text and I'll send a pic of my mandingo cock.

MY HUSBAND SUCKS IN BED (33F Savannah)

I'm looking for a safe jump off. If you are too white for hip hop then I am looking to fuck with a condom since I don't want to risk giving my husband HPV because BET doesn't teach that everyone has it. I'm a black girl with curves in all the right places. I want my pussy to be eaten like it's owed reparations and I love being fucked from the doggy position. I;m not into any of that hair pulling shit because this weave is not cheap. Rip it out and I'll kick your ass till you say that you name is Toby. Obviously I can't host but am down for fucking in my car behind the nearest Wal-Mart.

A GUY THAT REALLY LIKES COCK AND WILL LIE TO GET IT (28M Charleston)

I am currently posting as the female in a couple that doesn't exist since I am a guy that likes cock. The naked pictures of the chick you see on here were copy and pasted since I know how you straight guys love to fuck attractive women but I'm hoping that deep, deep down you are bi-curious. Please give me a chance? I can give head in a dark room discretely so that you can make believe that is Beyonce's mouth the entire time but I do hope that you will be yearning for my tight, warm asshole. If you don't want to then just tell me that I;m being a fag since I love being treated like a sissy little bitch.


These are just a few that pop in my mind but I'm sure there a plenty of other kinky, miscreants that are waiting to have an add answered by lil' ole ginger me and I will for the sake of comedic material. Who knows? Maybe I'll get to break a tranny's heart while it cries it's eyes out to "It's Raining Men."




Friday, June 6, 2014

Bravo Bryan Singer and Kiss My Ass Charleston PD, My X-Men: Days of Future Past Review

So seeing as how well using a movie as an excuse to get casual sex worked the night prior I figured I'd go for part two of hat trick with an early showing of X-Men: Days of Future Past. I was actually quite excited about this one; the movie and the girl seeing as how I am a huge comic book nerd even though I have never read a comic book. Not to mention that the woman in question was the very definition of the work exotic. If anyone has read my past sexual history, especially with VampireChick or HotObama then you can imagine my excitement at the possibility of sleeping with a brown skin hottie with tattoos in spades. She hit both of my turn ons on the proverbial blood filled mushroom head. However she couldn't hang out prior to it so I was going to have to take my chances after the movie and late night hours also worked in my favor so no worries on my part. Besides from our conversations she actually seemed to be very laid back and intellectual so believe it or not sex was not a priority. Don't get me wrong. I wanted it but it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't get it. Not with a women that actually respects herself; I can respect that. I had to pick her up first though.

Picking her up would not be as easy as pulling up to her house and sending her a text saying, "I'm here" followed by me nodding my head to Young Buck for the average 5 minutes from the response of, "Ok" to her actually walking into the car. That's not to say this instance was her fault. In this case the fault lies with the CARTA Bus system, a nosy neighbor, and of course Charleston police officers that know only protocol while lacking any semblance of deductive reasoning. There is a reason why smart cops become detectives and private investigators while the dimwitted ones are stuck to patrol cars until they waste most of their life in obscurity just to secure a pension.

I was sitting in my car, nodding my head to G-Unit's dixie whistlin' mean mugging ambassador when a patrol car pulled up beside me and flashed their mounted driver side flash light square in my face. It only got better as it was a female officer with a short haircut. I already knew she was going to be a pain in the ass a chick with a short haircut always has something to prove. Maybe its proving that sand in the vagina can lead to a higher conviction rate; who knows. Their are a few short hair women that are an exception to this but only because I have had sex with them and the last thing I'm going to do is throw salt into my own game. I get enough drama sodium as is.

ButchCop: "What are you doing here sir?"

Me: "Waiting on a friend."

ButchCop: "Why?"

Me: "I'm taking her to go see X-Men."

She kept busting my balls about what I was doing there and that's when another patrol car pulled up. Two stoned face male officers that look like they split their time between the gym and jerking off to an alternate ending to Schindler's list; one where Schindler's list doesn't make it. They gave me the typical cold faced poker stare trying to use intimidation to shake my resolve. This might make a drunken frat boy or some wanna-be thug act a fool but then again  I knew I wasn't doing anything illegal; last thing I was going to do is give them a reason to arrest me on disorderly conduct. I just looked at ButchCop:

Me: "Am I doing anything illegal? I mean I am in a public domain right?"

ButchCop: "You are but she (the neighbor) has the right to call any suspicious activity. Can I see your ID?"

She might be a bitch but she was right in that regard.  Also, and this is where lots of people fuck up with cops, but asking me for my ID is a lawful order. If I didn't present it she could have arrested me on the spot and then I would have spent $22 on movies tickets so I can spend more money on bail money. She might have won the battle but she wasn't going to win the war. The only way I could would be if I started yelling and screaming about my rights. She took my ID and walked to her car while I texted the girl about what was going on.

TattooedHottie: "What? Omg...did you tell them you are waiting on someone?"

Me: "Yep."

That's when ButchCop came back my car to hand me my license back. That's when she gave me this pearl of advice with a shit eating grin:

ButchCop: "Have fun with your girlfriend tonight."

Me: (responding back in the most sarcastic tone possible) "She's not my girlfiriend."

Most would say I'm an idiot but also most don't take advantage of an opportunity to talk shit to a cop in a legal fashion; fuck her. She has the law on her side to bust my balls. It takes a genius to piss one off without going to jail. All she could do was give me that same shit eating grin while her eye twitched as she tried to hide her anger as "some citizen" put her in her place that shouldn't have the legal or financial means to. I pulled my car up in front of TattooedHottie's house, turned the engine off and kept on listening to my hip hop. Kiss my ass Charleston Police Department and go suck on your night sticks.

TattooedHottie called me and asked if I could pick her up from the bus stop around the corner from her house. Seeing as how it was on the way to the theater and that the movie started in 20 minutes I started up the Denali to head her way. I picked her up over at the Rutledge Cab Company and she looked just as good as she did in her online photos. This was already looking promising compared to 15 minutes prior. I got out of the Denali and opened the car door because I guess I think I have a soul. She hopped in, I hopped in and we drove to the theater.

We walked into the theater and it was almost packed but we lucked out with a couple seats in the back row which was great because I hate the prospect of someone projectile vomiting on the back of my neck and I'm auburn-licous hair. Having that experience at a UFC party years ago is enough for me. Last thing I need is the smell of stomach acid, coors light, and peanuts for the rest of my natural born life.It's why part of me wants to die young so I dont have to deal with the smell of boduily excretions in a hospice 24/7.

After the previews the movie started with the background a dystopian future that was the stuff of a Ron Paul nightmare. Just imagine something akin to the future envisioned by James Cameron in the Terminator movies with more purple lighting and mutants.  Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart) is providing a monologue about how this tragic turn of events has taken place while pondering whether the future can be changed. The cause of this future is due to mutant hunting robots called Sentinels that are programmed to seek out and kill anyone that harbors the mutant gene whether it is fully expressed or they are only carriers of it. In other words the entire planet has become a massive Final Solution and mutants are the problem; at least in the eyes of the rich bigots.

The Sentinels make their first appearance as some as a band of surviving mutants, led by Kitty Pride, are seeking refuge in some abandoned military installation in the mountains. All seems calm for a second and then Sentinels bust in like a herd of murderous Kool-Aid men minus the red shit. The mutants put up a fight but the Sentinels are able to adapt to any of their powers and begin offing them. Kitty and Bishop hide in an isolated room with the help of Blink who can open portals to other locations. Kitty starts using her powers on Bishops in rush against time in order to avoid getting 86'd by the Sentinels. She succeeds just in time as the other mutants are already dead and they all vanish. They later show up in a dystopian China where Professor Xavier, Wolverine, Magneto, and Storm are in hiding. It is revealed that Kitty has the power to send someone's consciousness back in time to warn them a few days prior of any incoming attacks from the Sentinels. I wish I had the same power when I turned down a threesome with HotVampire and her hot tattooed friend for a Russian chick. Guys, don't ever put you balls in one basket and by basket I mean monogamy; at least for as long fucking is your primary goal in life.

So far TattooedHottie and myself are pretty impressed as Professor X is explaining how this bleak future has come to pass. Basically Boliver Trask  (Peter Dinlage) whom epitomizes the personality of the bigots involved in the US Military Industrial complex, i.e. a midget is assassinated by Mystique in the year 1973 (Jennifer Lawrence) which sets off the unfortunate chain of events. After assassinating Trask Mystique is captured and her DNA is harvested in order to give the Sentinels the ability to adapt to the powers of any mutant which makes them as successful as they have been in wiping out most of the mutant race. They decide to use Kitty Pride's powers to send Wolverine's consciousness back to 1973 to prevent the assassination. I'll admit this is an interesting concept for time travel and when I haven't seen used on film yet. If its been in another film it's news to me.

Kitty Pride does her magic and Wolverine wakes up exactly where a rapidly healing claw for hire would be expected to wake up in 1973; the bed of the daughter of a mafia boss. This leads to some comedic relief as some mobsters come into the room and think, "Hey, lets shoot Wolverine with some pistols because that will totally teach him a lesson right?" Obviously the lesson that was learned was that impaling Italian gangsters is like impaling anyone else; there's red shit but its not marinara.

Wolverine eventually finds Professor Xavier at the mansion after having an impromptu battle royale with Beast. Professor X walks in. Let me repeat that for anyone that has known the character and saw the ending of X-Men: First Class. Professor X can walk despite taking a bullet to the spinal cord. He also is now lacking his power to read and control people's minds not mention sporting a snazzy new Jim Morrison-Jim-Morrison-on-a-dope-bender look. Just think of a more dramatic version of Jeff Bridges in the Big Lebowski and you'll get the idea; or just see the movie. Apparently he has regained the ability to walk because he has in fact  been shooting up albeit its a serum instead of an opiate.

After Wolverine convinces Professor X that he is Wolverine from the future while still Wolverine in the present and that the future is going to really suck for mutants they embark on finding a kid that has the nickname of Quiksilver. He's called Quiksilver because he both think and move very fast. He moves so fasts that he could break your ankles, heal your ankles, and break them again on the basketball court; if he played basketball. The reason for seeking him out is because they need break Magneto on murder charges for assassinating a very high profile public figure. Let's just say it will get a rise out of conspiracy theorists.

Quilsilver nearly steals the entire show in one scene while breaking Magneto out. Just imagine that 70's show meets the Matrix and you'll get the idea. He makes Neo look lethargic by comparison. Not too mention the slap stick humor is a nice touch. That's one of the things I like most about Days of Future Past. It strikes a good balance between action, drama, humor, and philosophy while allowing itself to not getting bogged down by any of those elements. They all meld together to make for comic book movie experience that is up there with the Dark Knight and Iron Man as the best comic book movies ever made.

Days of Future Past is full of plenty of "Oh Shit" moments and, like I said, Quiksilver nearly stole the show; nearly. The moment that stole the show is when Magneto pics up an entire baseball stadium and drops right on the White House lawn while turning everything in sight into swiss cheese with Sentinels he hacked earlier in the film. This scene alone tops anything that I have yet to see this far in theaters this summer. TattooedHottie was equally mesmerized. She brought up an interesting point after the we left during the credits which I later found was a huge mistake since we missed the part where Apocalypse made his appearance.

TattooedHottie: "They can do the entire series over now."

She made a point. I wont say much to ruin the ending but lets just say any character that you like and may have lost will have a logical reason to return due to the plot of Days of Future Past. The movie was awesome, so awesome that I didn't mind getting blue balled by TattooedHottie. She actually had a legit reason to due to the fact that she was tired. I know a lot of times this can be just the result of a woman playing games but she had all the physical signs of exhaustion so I let her pass out so I could write this review.

All in all X-Men: Days of Future past gets a Brag-gable rating from me and I highly recommend seeing it. As it stands now this is the summer movie to beat/


Friday, May 23, 2014

Being What You Eat...

I’m sick of people bitching about prejudice. I’m sick of all this talk about equality and tolerance and compassion along with any other pseudo-altruistic bullshit that people preach for the sake of political correctness. That’s all it really is for; to appear like you give a shit when you really don’t. Some are blinded by it; they really think that they care. They really think that they are human. They have the shell of one. They talk like one. Yet they just seem to follow a script. They play a role. They go along with the program. Yet they don’t even know what the program is. It’s called evolution but it just means progression by trial and error with time as the filter. What are we progressing to? Survival? Doesn’t that make evolution quite static? That’s all the progression from generation to generation is all about? Surviving the programming even though the result is an inevitable termination by the filter of time? What’s the point? What’s the point of surviving? What’s the point of any of this?

The believers say God, the non-believers say nothing, the agnostics say they don’t know. So basically we have two groups of idiots and one group that lacks the balls to take a guess and formulate a theory despite the bread crumbs being everywhere. Fuck they are made of the bread crumbs; they are the loaves. Maybe that’s why they call it a bun in the oven before they come out. Unfortunately most lack the ingredients to even make a proper sandwich. Yet they preach equality and love. What the fuck is with them and love? What the fuck has love ever given us except more shit that we take way too literally? Maybe love is the problem because it leads us to making bonds that only slow us down. They want progress yet they want to slow down. They cant even make up their minds. One second its rush then the next it’s slow down. Can we make up our fucking minds?

Maybe we are just confused and we are so obsessed about not being confused. So basically we can’t make up our minds about what to do because we are confused. Maybe that’s why there is nothing under the shells besides the innate machinery. Maybe we are just machines. The funny thing is I get called a monster all the time yet I seem to feel more than they do. I feel more human than they do. Maybe being a monster and human is one in the same. Maybe the truth is that we are meant to be monsters. We are meant to thrive on consumption. We progress by atrocity. Just over time we have found a way to feel better about it. We have invoked the concept of guilt so that we can commit atrocity in a responsible fashion. Now there’s a contradiction; atrocity and responsibility. Quite quantum isn’t it? We want to destroy in a constructive manner; yet we want to bitch about cancer.

 We are a fucking cancer that has its sights set on this ever expanding space time that expands faster than light. We want to own it and yet we think we won’t destroy once we do. It’s like we thing we are a bunch of potheads chasing a pie just to stare at it.

Maybe that’s why we should just start to eat each other. Fuck it, that really would be atrocity in a responsible fashion. It would keep the numbers down and give new meaning to ethnic cuisine. The hippies would be happy since there would be less shells chopping down the trees while sucking up the oxygen. We could have buffets of it with all of the garnishes and trimmings. It could come with Bloody Mary’s with real blood from bitches named Mary. I mean it would go well while eating fajitas made with real non-genetically modified Mexican babies marinated in Salma Hayek’s squirt juice. I say if you want to be human then you should be what you eat. Just my thoughts and appetite.

What the fuck Warner Bros? My Godzilla review

So the new Godzilla is out and I used it as a reason to use a chick I met off of Fetlife.com for some casual sex. The sex was pretty good and it gave me some more practice in consensual choking and hair pulling techniques just in case there ever is a 50 Shades of Grey "Choke a Bitch to Orgasm" sweepstakes. Maybe I'll win some ball gags and paddles or something. After the sex was over we rushed over to Cinnebarre to go see it. Well after round two of the sex was over we went to go see it. I don't know why I chose Cinnebarre but maybe it's because I like my wallet getting raped over $11 movie tickets and $11 chicken fingers that looked like they had been in the fryer longer than Mickey Rourke's face. If you wan't an overpriced Mojito then Cinnebarre is the place to go. Then again if you drink Mojitos you might as well place your own face in some boiling grease. That way you can be disabled just like your taste in alcohol.

So anyway the movie started after me and FetlifeChick were talking about how guys suck at talking to girls while they resort to rophynol or something. The film starts out in 1999 which I think was a passive aggressive way of Toho and Warner Bros. kicking Roland Emmerich in the dick for that piece of reptile shit called Godzilla back in 1998. In other words I think this was Hollywood's way of letting it go and getting back to what Godzilla was meant to do; make movie goers giddy while saying, "Holy Shit!" repeatedly like they just saw Miley Cyrus sodomize herself with a crack pipe as Rob Ford lights it up; the pipe not Miley Cyrus's asshole. 

The film starts out in the Philippines with the sight of Ken Watanabe which makes sense since if a Hollywood production has some sort of Japanese theme it must have Ken Watanabe. That seems to be the theme ever since The Last Samurai. They might as well call him Ken "This film has some Japanese shit" Watanabe. That's not to say he isn't a great actor; he's one of my personal favorites actually since I really liked the Last Samurai even if Tom Cruise survived. Watanabe and his female scientist colleague are investigating this massive fossil that appears to be radioactive. They realize that another monster must have busted out of it and they find their evidence in the form of a massive hole punched out of one of the cave walls. We are greeted to the site of what looks like a monster that dragged its ass along the ground for about half a mile before finding the ocean. Maybe it didn't wipe properly.

The next act has the one and only Bryan Cranston and his character's wife talking about some non-Heisenberg related shit and then you are greeted to sights and sounds of Cranston speaking Japanese. This only makes me wonder what Breaking Bad would have been like if Heisenberg was driving around the foothills of Mt. Fuji while cooking meth in an RV. Instead of ranting about precursors and methylamine while dodging angry Mexicans and Feds; Cranston is ranting about radiation levels and seismic readings. The science talk alone makes me think there is going to a Breaking Bad moment where Cranston brings down one of the monsters using red phosphorus. I'll be honest, one my major reasons for seeing this movie was to see Bryan Cranston. I wanted to see Heisenberg against the King of the Monsters. 

After some shit goes down at the Nuclear Plant where Cranston's character (Joe Brody) has to watch his wife die he cries and for once he isn't doing to protect his meth empire. The plant eventually completely crumbles to the ground in a sight that will obviously draw comparisons to Fukushima which will probably lead to some crack pot conspiracy theorists claiming the that US government lied about Fukushima to hide a giant monster. This is all witnessed by Joe Brody's son Ford who is just in grade school at the time.

The film flashes forward 15 years and now Ford has a military and his job is working in the hurt locker i.e. Explosive Ordinance Disposal i.e. E.O.D. i.e. defusing bombs. He may not look as impressive as Jeremy Renner but fuck it, this is about Heisenberg and Godzilla. Ford is obviously getting back from a deployment and his commander mentions something about his wife. In other words its time for Ford to get laid because I highly doubt that the US military allows for their soldiers to rape goats; maybe Iraqi women but not goats. Ford gets home and the wife is there. Ford tells his son that he'll be able to eat cake everyday which is cute because I guess parents lying to their kids is adorable in a Halmark sort of way. After they put the little gullible brat to bed Ford and his wife start giving each other "fuck me eyes". I am depressed when I realize this film has a PG-13 rating but then again Ford's wife doesn't look like she has much in the way of tits. 

Right when it looks like Ford is about to round second and go for an inside the cunt home run the phone rings and like a bitch Ford's wife stops. Ladies, you can return a phone call but it's hard to undo a case of blue balls. On the other end of the line is someone at the Japanese consulate that informs Ford's wife that Ford's dad has been arrested for being in the quarantined area of where that nuclear plant went full on Jenga 15 years prior. Ford packs his bags, blue balls and all, to head to Japan to bail his blue balling Heisenberg father out. At least he didn't cripple his wife and rig a bomb to her wheel chair to blow half of Ford's face off. I guess blue balls aren't that bad after all. That's not an invitation ladies; not one at all.

In the next scene Ford is seen in a Japanese police station waiting for Joe/Heisenberg to be released which shows that he is better son than Walter White Jr. since he doesn't bitch about shit or have cerebral palsy. Joe gets released and they go back to Joe's apartment and from all of the newspaper clippings on Joe's wall it is obvious Joe has definitely gone full Ron Paul with the conspiracy theories. Why Libertarians haven't nominated Bryan Cranston for a presidential run is beyond me. First rule of nominating a presidential candidate is to nominate someone that the majority will actually vote for. That's how both Regean and Obama got elected.

Joe/Heisenberg convinces Ford to go back to the quarantined zone that he just got arrested at and off they go. They arrive by boat and walk around in Hazmat suits that look like they were specially designed to be sold at a Military Surplus store or Goodwill. That's when a pack of dogs is seen running by, in good health, which is quite odd since the place is supposed to be soaked in lethal doses of radiation since the plant supposedly underwent a nuclear meltdown. After getting a zilch reading on his radiation detector Joe pulls the mask off and explains to Ford that there is zero radiation as well as to stop complaining like a bitch. Off in the distance they see a bunch lights and secretive military shit where the plant once stood. Maybe Joe's Libertarian sense was tingling for accurate reasons after all. They get captured by these same shadowy figures and get taken to where the plant once stood so that Joe/Heisenberg can be questioned.

It's during this questioning that Joe has his Heisenberg moment. If you watched the trailer then you probably heard part of it but for the sake of the review here's how of it goes, "The truth is that you are hiding something out there----AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!!!!!" The rest of the scene is just as epic and is pretty much the only dialogue requiring artistic merit that is needed for a film that has monsters smashing skyscrapers like they are owed larvae support. Yes larvae is a spoiler but if you want a review that is spoiler free then go read a review from someone that doesn't use going to the movies as an excuse to get laid.

After this scene the shit hits the proverbial fan and the first monster in the film wakes up after gorging itself enough on cesium-137 to get its lazy ass up. At first I thought it was Mothra but it was later called MUTO but the praying Mantis/Insect appearance of it is obviously paying homage to the giant Moth. The spectacle is impressive and the MUTO wrecks shit in a way that would impress an ex of Tiger Wood's. It was great until he knocked out a platform; a platform that Joe/Heisenberg was on. Joe/Heisenberg falls into the rubble but the film doesn't show anything definitive until a later scene where he is shown being zipped up into a body bag. I nearly lost my shit but kept my cool since there was a girl that was fun to fuck next to me and last thing I wanted to do was scare her off. Seeing as I am at laptop now though let me vent:

WHAT THE FUCK WARNER BROS???? 20 MINUTES? 20 GODDAMN MINUTES WHEN YOU HAVE ADVERTISED BRYAN CANSTON IN THIS MOVIE FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS NOW????? YOU KILL THE HEISENBERG AND DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE COMMON DECENCY TO GIVE HIS CHARACTER LUNG CANCER IN THIS MOVIE????? WAS GIANCARLO ESPOSITO BEHIND THE SCRIPT WRITING???? YEAH, FUCK YOU WARNER BROS!!!

Okay, now that I have that out of the way I can go back to giving a review free of emotion. Amazingly Joe/Heisenberg dying is just the movie getting warmed up as there are a shit load of buildings that need destroying in Honolulu after the MUTO gets done eating some nuclear warheads from a submarine that it flung into the jungle on the outskirts of the city. Shit gets crazy as it begins to wreck havoc but then Godzilla shows up after after causing a tsunami. The physics of how a creature the size of a skrycraper can cause a 10 meter high tsunami isn't fully explained but then again this is Hollywood; not a lesson in fluid dynamics and plate tectonics. Godzilla and the MUTO begin a battle royale at the Honolulu airport and then the movie flash forwards to the next act since I guess enough of the city had been destroyed and the MUTO wanted to fly off like a bitch.

A bunch of drama happens involving a nuclear waste stockpile in the Nevada and Las Vegas getting destroyed by an even bigger, wingless MUTO whom is apparently in heat and is in need of some thermonuclear flying praying mantis cock. It gets even better when the monsters converge on San Francisco for the climactic battle. I don't know if the writers have some odd fetish that involves Lady and the Tramp and nuclear warheads but there is a scene where the male and female MUTOs making out with the nuclear warhead like its the spaghetti being shared before the inevitable doggy kiss between Darling and Tramp. If that is too G-Rated for you then just imagine the two german chicks from "Two Girls, One Cup" but instead them making out over a cup filled with human feces it's a nuclear warhead.

The funny thing is that isn't the end of the odd radioactive bestiality fetish that the movie has going on as in the final climax Godzilla pulls the female MUTO's mouth wide open like its hard core rape porn and shoots a load of his Thermonuclear plasma into the MUTO's before ripping her head off. Nothing like using non-human characters to avoid getting slapped with a R-rating. I definitely give the scene points for kink factor. Actually that's what I would say if I was raised in West Virginia. It was still a bad ass battle scene and I'm sure it gave some comic nerds an erection because that couldn't find a chick whose mouth they could shoot a load into before heading to the theatre.

Then the in one of the final scenes I nearly had a cynic overload because Joe has to get a boat to take nuclear bomb that was rigged to blow and kill the monsters out of the city which isn't that bad of an idea until you run the math. The boat looked to be moving at a speed of about 20 mph tops and there was only 5 minutes left on the timer before the boat even made it to the Golden Gate bridge and earlier in the movie it was said that the bomb would make the ones used in nuclear tests in the Pacific, "look like a firecracker." Amazingly though the bomb needed only less than two miles to be to put the city outside of the blast radius so either the boat had some rocket propulsion system miraculously installed in 5 minutes or the bombs that were used in the Pacific made the THEY were using look like a firecracker. Huge contradiction there but then again its Hollywood. Just imagine the scene with the nuke at the end of Dark Knight Rises and you'll understand your my cynicism.

So overall I give the movie a score of "Braggable". The dialogue did its job and it built it to a very entertaining climax just like FetlifeChick. While the plot holes are noticeable but not unforgivable; It's worth the ticket.