Friday, July 18, 2014

Murder: An American Solution to a Human Problem


 Humans are, in nature, filthy animals that have the luxury of soap and Starbucks to justify whatever sense of dignity they have left. They’re disgusting yet they get grossed out by cooties. They’re crafty little fuckers and stubborn as a Kentucky midget trying to bone a mule. They are also spreading like a contagion across the planet. It’s happening at an accelerating rate and it’s a major threat to their survival. If you do the math humans are basically whiskey to Earth. Sooner or later the bitch is going to have to kick the habit of allowing them to live if some moderation isn’t brought back into the picture. We need a cure and ironically the cure could also be what has given rise to the disease; Murder.

 Humans are immensely skilled at killing. It’s an innate part of our survival instincts. It’s how we still exist and how our numbers have grown over generations. Humans have every other organism on this planet beat when it comes to killing. It kills so well that it has gotten to a point where it only kills under certain criteria even though it is very subjective depending on the beliefs per human. Beliefs are the rules of engagement for the killing machine known as homo sapien. In some ways humanity can be seen as an extinction level event within itself. It kills so much that it may actually indirectly kill itself in a fashion akin to Clyde from Law Abiding Citizen in a suicidal fashion; Extinction Level Event Assisted Suicide if you will. Of course that assist will come from Hydrogen Sulfide produced by our oceans since they will become too warm to sustain bacteria that produce oxygen which we kind of need for our lives of cappuccinos and mass shootings at movie theatres as well bacon wrapped fried chicken infused hot fudge chocolate covered sundaes.

 At the rate that we are poisoning the ocean , which in reality IS mother nature, in this or the next few generations we are going to face possible extinction if we haven’t found another floating rock to lay our Wal-Marts down on. Such an extinction that I mentioned above has already happened at least 5 times in our planet’s past.

It’s bound to happen again and we are making it happen way faster than any of us would like. Kind of the same way that we like to chain smoke cigarettes in a nonchalant manner and then start speaking in pseudo-philosophical tones to tug on people’s heart strings the second we develop a tumor. We are great at killing but afraid of dying; it’s quite the paradox. What’s really funny is that fear of death is what is driving us to kill ourselves. My solution is to do what has always helped cure our ails in the past; to start killing each other. I think not only should we start killing each other but I also think it should be made legal and merged into the very Rule of Law itself. It worked for Feudal Japan and I think it can work for the rest of humanity as well. You just need a sect of humanity that is really good at murdering people; perhaps a pseudo-democracy that is the world’s police whom has enough drones and nuclear bombs to turn our planet into the ultimate Call of Duty multiplayer map?

 That’s right I think Americans should be the ones to save humanity from certain destruction in the only way it knows how; killing shit loads of people.  For most of our country’s existence we have been in the closet about the murderous psychopathy of our nation’s collective consciousness but in this age of transparency I think it’s time we came out of the closet about it. If coming out can help same-sex marriage then it could certainly help with the progress of human on human population control. Here are some of my ideas to institute this process and the first one should be quite obvious and by that I mean genocide.

Humanity needs another major genocide. I mean one more mass killing of those we deem as sub-human sanctioned by a world power and I think it should be the US Government taking up the torch on it. We know they are good at it. We just need to murder the right people this time and by that I mean conservative, dumb, white Anglo-Saxon protestant twats that ruin everything for everyone else because they can't let go of their fossil fuel addiction. In other words, anyone that takes Fox News seriously.

 Another group that needs to go is all these whiny, hipster, liberal queef stains that feels every single transgression requires a bra burning and an Occupy protest followed by a trip to Starbucks and then the Steve Jobs cathedral known as the Apple Store. Let’s definitely murder those fuckers too. IED’s in the iPads perhaps? iBombs have a nice ring doesn’t it? These jerkoffs are just as flawed as the twats on the Rupert Murdoch payroll and should die like their conservative brethren as well.

 Next up is all these racist ass black people trying to be the coffee response to the Tea Party. These wanna-be Malcolm X jerk offs that feel giving a tip would be an affront to their civil rights. If you can't afford to tip a delivery driver then order some fucking carry out. Also stop inspecting your wings to see if they are fried. I get it, you people like grease and yes, I do mean you people specifically. You fuckers need to die via being run over by a herd 64' Impalas that are jumping on hydros like they have stage 3 Parkinson’s.

 Another group of people that should die from Ricin laced Guinness should be Irish people. I'm not even going to dignify them with a reason.

 We don’t need to kill all of them. Just about 95% of them. Since we need some around that can be rescued from the Wal-Mart concentration camps that can tell about the horrors of the Twatocaust at low, low prices.

 In the end the only people that should be left to live are porn stars, intellectuals, house cleaners, midgets, beige people, American born Gingers from New Jersey, and women that have sex with American Born Gingers from New Jersey.

Come on Obama. Issue the order. I'll start rounding them up  :D.

Now I know genocide might not be the most politically correct method of murdering people and honestly political correctness has proven to be very effective when needing a moral leg to stand on while killing people so maybe we should be more creative with mas population control. Maybe we need to bring murder into a realm that tends to make any American want to bust a few caps in somebody. It’s one of our favorite past times; professional athletics.

Professional Sports:

I think we should up the ante in professional sports. If a city's team wins a Championship then the residents of that city should be allowed to kill anyone else from a city that has a team in that league. Can you imagine what it would do for the airline industry? Just imagine the conversations with TSA agents:

SpursFan: “Is there a problem?”

TSAAgent: “Well you seem to be carrying a loaded Glock .40, a few combat knives, and about 5 pounds of Semtex with you. Do you have any credentials for this?”

SpursFan: “Oh yeah, sorry. Here’s my Spurs Championship hat showing evidence of our recent NBA Finals.”

TSAAgent: “Hmmm…well that looks to be in order. Are you traveling to Miami for business or pleasure?”

SpursFan: (sporting a smirk while looking at his Glock on the table) “Both :)”

Shit, you don’t even have to restrict it to residents of cities that have championship teams. Maybe just on a week-to-week, fan-on-fan basis; it would give a new meaning to the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox rivalry. As we all know when it comes to murder new York and Boston are very exceptional in that. Could you imagine what would happen during a double header? Yankees fans gunning down Red Sox fans for a few hours and then Red Sox fans returning the favor; they would amount a higher body count than the 9/11 hijackers and the Tsarnaev brothers combined, in a day.

Now imagine that strung over an entire season. Could you imagine what would happen to the fans of teams whose teams were having developing years? They would develop much faster; I can guarantee you that shit. Besides, teams are all about getting the fans involved. Nothing a few hollow points and a laser pointer can’t fix. I know for sure plenty of Oakland fans would love cross into San Francisco with their gats stocked and loaded.

 Shit, we can take murder fandom and apply it worldwide to soccer. Could you imagine the fan fair for the World Cup?  Shit Germany just won it. What if that win meant Germans could legally go around the world systematically murdering people for 4 years. Shit they only had a portion of Europe to do it in during World War II and managed to kill 15 million people before the Allies came in. When it comes to murdering people in a systematic fashion Germany is one of the only countries to give us a run for our money besides Russia, Japan, and China. Well maybe Mongolia as well when Ghenghis Khan was around.

Could imagine the fan fare around a game between Germany and Israel? Holy shit they would be running wind sprints like a motherfucker for it. The Germans would just for the sheer fact that the Israelis would be looking for payback for that whole 1933 to 1945 thing, Just imagine Israel winning the World Cup and marching into Germany to start putting protestant Krauts into gas chambers. Shit they wouldn’t even have to call them showers since they wouldn’t have to hide it. I think four years would be enough time to get Jews and Aryans back on a 1:1 ratio in terms of population. After that they could just go and nuke fuck out of Iran or if Iran won it they could go into Isreal and kill the fuck out of them.

 Sports and Murder should go hand in hand but then that might not even be enough. What we really need to do is integrate murder into the very fabric of the American political landscape itself. That’s right, murder for democracy or murder as democracy itself. Having a hard time following me on this one? Allow me to explain:

Murder as the new Democratic process:

I think murder should be the new democracy. When you turn 18 you should be given a gun and you can kill anyone that is also of legal voting age and each bullet would count as a vote and each person you kill counts as a dollar. So if you want some starbucks you have to kill 5 people. It would give new meaning to vote or die which means P.Diddles would be all over this shit. No polling booths. no electoral college. The only votes that would matter would be bullets and exit wounds.

Now they wouldn’t be given a big gun off the bat. Something small like a .22 Revolver or a cross-bow if they are one of those types that jerk off to Daryl from The Walking Dead. The rules for this society would work much like the rules of Grand Theft Auto minus most of the cop trouble since the only requirement would be for them to do or say something that YOU deem stupid and a threat to the American way of life. Fox News and CNN would never be short of breaking news ever again. Also you wouldn’t respawn if you got murdered since life isn’t that kind of game even though it may be if you go by simulation theory. Maybe you get respawned at a hospital in another dimension. All I know is here in our dimension you get murdered and its done. You’re voting rights are revoked permanently and it’s a dollar in your killer’s bank account. There would also be added incentives involved to get the laziest of Americans out there doing their duties as a tax payer. You would level up in a sense. Here would be the break down:

Level 1: 100 Kills

Reward: an UZI and a 5% discount on ammo at Wal-Mart

Yes, instead of Ammu-nation you would just go to Wal-Mart. Don’t worry, the person working behind the gun counter would just as much a right-nut job as the dude at the videogame gun counter. If you wanted to you could kill the guy and take all the ammo from behind the desk but bear in mind everyone else in Wal-Mart would have a gun as well so you might want to think twice; especially if you haven’t purchased the UZI and the ammo for it yet.

Level 2: 500 kills

Reward: an M16 assault rifle and body armor

I first thought about making the reward and AK47 but this is ‘Merica and thus we should mow down other Americans in a ‘Merican fashion. If you have gotten to this level you have probably figured out that Cuntcast, I call it Cuntcast instead of Comcast, is a great place to visit when you want to kill a lot of people but need some motivation. Try spending a week getting an issue with your broadband modem sorted out and you’ll have all the encouragement that you need.

Level 3: 1000 kills

Reward: A rocket launcher

You’ll never be bored at a baseball game ever again. Just bear in mind you can’t blow up the players because that would throw controversy into the whole winning team’s city killing people from other city thing. Frag responsibly. You don’t want your city to have an asterisk because that would qualify it for a nuclear bombing.

Level 4: 10,000 kills

Reward: An Abrahams Tank
Once you have reached this level the normal laws of of this new American society will no longer apply to you because you have a tank. You will be the lion of the urban jungle and allowed to kill with impunity because you have a tank. You will not have to answer to most anyone and will be part of the upper 1%. A have instead of a have not if you will since you have a tank. Just remember their might be other tanks around so diplomacy would still be a wise option at times.

Level 5: 50,000 kills

Reward: A drone with laser guided hell fire and tomahawk missiles.
Congratulations! You have reached the Jay-Z Hova level status of murder and democracy not mention capitalism. For being a good American you now have access the most advanced means of aerial warfare; sitting in a chair in front of a monitor with a joystick. You can commit mass murder for democracy without even leaving your house. Just bear in mind you may not want to tweet or facebook about it because someone with a drone might trace the IP address back your location and lets just say people with drones don’t like competition.

Level 6: 1,000,000 kills

Reward: A stealth drone with nuclear warheads.

Damn dawg! You’ve become the Bill Gates of murder. You’re like Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong, Hitler, Michael Jordan, heart disease, and religion all rolled into one. You are an Alpha and Omega of American Citizenship. For that we give you the greatest weapon of destruction known to man besides cigarettes and McDonalds; a nuclear bomb. Now there are some requirments for this. You can only nuke cities in the US and only ones with an asterisk; every city in Ohio will already have an asterisk because we could all use a little less Ohio.
The only two rules would be that you could only kill stupid people and you couldn’t kill kids because they would need time to study the killing habits of adults.

 That’s basically my idea for saving our species in a nut shell. However in the meantime there are people that I think should be killed regardless just for existing. The list is as follows:

-Guys that own more than 10 Polo shirts
-Guys that own Land Rovers
-People that say, “Trust Me”
-anyone that sags their pants
-women that suck at blow jobs over the age of 25
-people that drink Mountain Dew
-anyone that owns a Smart Car
-people that use Religious Reasons
-Sarah McClachlan
-anyone that was ever in the Mickey Mouse Club
-anyone that appears on the Disney Channel besides kids
 -guys in the military that feel they are owed something for joining the military
-Michael Vick
-people that ask and give promises to people that they like
-woman that say, “You don’t a condom because I’m on birth control.”
-woman that demand you to wear a condom even if they are on birth control
-guys that spread herpes after falling for the whole, “You don’t need a condom I’m on birth control bit
-anyone that roots for the Dallas Cowboys that isn’t from Dallas
-anyone that roots for the Oakland Raiders that hasn’t killed 5 people
-Gun Rights lobbyists
-Gun Control lobbyists
-religious people
-atheist people
-agnostic people that aren’t Neil DeGrasse Tyson
-anyone that gets angry over porn
-women that spit and don’t swallow
-guys that spit and don’t swallow
-people that watch Game of Thrones
-people that watch the Bravo Network
-people that work at the Bravo Network

That’s about what I got for now. I’ll be sure to add more to the list :D.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Proof that I get pussy.....

Something that cracks me a lot is when I have to kick some rich jerk off out of a bar or toy with the emotions of some guido on Facebook and they say, "YOU DON'T GET PUSSY." My enjoyment at such an insult stems from the fact that most people that consider themselves friends of mine are women that have given me pussy. They're awesome for it and they know who they are. There's way more of them than I write about on my blog. Honestly, I'm not sure if it's still above or below 100 women. That's best estimate I can give. The fact that I have never had an STD still amazes me since I do use condoms but like any guy that gets laid regularly; it's hit and miss. I might be playing Russian Roulette but then again act of sexual intercourse is.

Condoms are great but they aren't fool proof and thats when you actually remember to pack one. Sometimes you have one and sometimes you actually believe that former Hooter's waitress from Los Angeles when she says, "It's ok, I'm on birth control" because those tits are too amazing to pass up on a formality. I still ask if they have been tested every time because women are as not as good at lying as most guys think. Most people can't lie on the spot point blank including women. Even your mom or my mom. Love you mom but not in that way; obviously. We are from New Jersey, not Kentucky.

However, this is all talk. I mean how can anyone know for sure that I really do get laid? I mean as far as anyone knows I may have just read Tucker Max's novels (which I have) and watched a shit load of porn. I mean I could have made every story up that is on this blog. I'll be honest also with the fact that I did begin to have more sex after reading Tucker's books since he kind of opened me up to the idea of using morality as a tool instead of as a code to live life by.

So how can i really prove that I'm am also narcissistic, sex maniac has had success in going H.A.M. on honey's g-spot like a prime Mike Tyson on crank? 

A sex tape. That's how. So without further ado here is a video of me getting pussy in my own personal sex tape. It was shot by the husband of swinging couple whom I met on craigslist. Her face is blurred out for the sake of protecting her identity. For the sake of my narcissism my face is in full view for the sake of proving that it is in fact me putting the cream in this Columbian's coffee. Just click on the link and enjoy :D.

Disclaimer: If you are under the age of 18, disregarded the parental warning before entering this blog, and currently a virgin in high school then let this be a lesson in how it is done. Oh yeah and there is a lot of my ass from that male butt angle.

This is another one that I found on my Droid. If you remember FreeBird from my previous stories than you can now watch her taking all my 7.5 inch glory to her colon:

Fox News Logic

So recently I  got into a social media spat with a group of some closeted homosexual Marines that are part of an internet group called POG Boot Fuck. Let's just say I made a two sentence joke that was based on reverse psychology aimed towards the warmongers you see ranting and raving about how Barack Obama is a communist-fascist Alien lizard king. The thing that angers me more about politicians than anything else is when they decide to use people in our armed forces as cannon fodder any chance they can turn a profit from it. It takes a lot to sicken me but when politicians and bad parenting brainwash parents and their kids into signing their life away to the military industrial complex I'm going to have an opinion. It will be well thought but an opinion none the less. The joke was as follows:

"I hope we invade Iraq again. It will be much easier to get laid when these bitches husband's are overseas." 

I posted the joke on my Facebook (Frank Waz) and Twitter (gingersamurai25) then went bed nice and early at 8 in the morning. Well I jerked off to some internet porn and passed out on the couch at 8 in the morning. I figured some people would be pissed and some would find the humor in it. That's what I thought, I really did. It wouldn't be any different than any of my other blunt yet eccentric posts on social media. I was wrong, I was so so wrong. I was honestly surprised that Jeff Goldblum didn't knock on my door to inform that was one of the worst ideas in the long, long history of bad ideas before a mechanical T-Rex designed by DARPA came busting in through the house. 

I woke up to more Facebook notifications than I had ever seen and they were all pissed off Marines with messages that had the these overall themes:

-That I should keep my mouth shut

-That I should be shot

-I should have my ass kicked

-That they were going to kill me

-That they were RAPE me..

-That I was a faggot

The last two points were quite peculiar since the last time I checked wanting to force your cock into a guy's asshole without his consent was the epitome of being a fag. Then again what do I know? I just eat pussy and have sex with various friends with benefits when I'm not delivering pizzas to drunk college kids or babysitting drunk adults in a Roadhouse sort of way minus the spinning heel kicks. If you throw a spinning kick in a crowded bar then you're an idiot and deserve rip to your ACL.

Long story short shit got way out of hand real quick and the next thing I knew there were 9 Marines that came looking for me at a bar that I did security at. Luckily, for me (and them) I was working at my other job so they basically went around talking shit about me like a bunch of spoiled, drunk white girls. They were basically there trying to get me fired and cost me a $75 a week paycheck. You know someone is pretty pissed off when they go out of their to cost you $75. I was pretty amazed by this. I pissed a portion of the Marine Corps so much that they basically formed a lynch squad to come after me like I had just flown a plane into a building. They were this pissed off by two sentences; two lines of words. Suck it Edward Snowden.

At the same time I'm a  realist though and despite the fact that I do have years of training in multiple forms of hand to hand combat not mention that I have put Marines to sleep before, big ones, I understand the meaning of 9 on 1. I've handled 6 on 1 before but 9 on 1 might be too much for even me. I saw how far out of hand that it could get since I had already seen how far out of hand it already was and did what any responsible, intelligent adult would do. I sought out one of them, a Marine, whom I went to high school with and was one of my best friends to try and resolve this in a diplomatic manner. If you read the "Johnny Walker Blue" story then you can probably guess who it is. If Marines will take orders from Obama then there is always hope for restraint. He informed me he could help out and write a piece on my Facebook even though there would be some humor at my expense. I do stand-up comedy; I'm use to having my balls busted. I informed him that whatever he could do would be appreciated. This is what he posted:

" Ok Listen UP you devil dogs, I know that Frank can be an idiot. Let me start by saying that he says most of this shit just to get a response from people. Well he got one on this post huh? Lets be smart gentlemen showing up at his work looking for trouble is going to cause you trouble in the future. I'm talking about prison time for beating his ass and/or harassment I've known Frank for a long time, he doesn't go looking for anyone wives. Like I said he says shit to see the reaction. So lets be smart devil dogs and not end anyone's career or send anyone to jail cuz someone wants to be stupid on social media. I've talked to Frank and he will use better judgement before he does shit like this again. So lay off him don't ruin your selves to get "even" about a dumb post. Lets be smart here brothers.

SSgt  [Marine] 3/8 Lima Co Wpns Plt"

Even though it's only been a day since, as of this writing, it seems as though the waters have settled. Still though I was pissed about the harassment that I took and knew it wasn't all of the Marine Corps; it was POG Boot Fuck. I had done some research on them when all this shit was hitting a red line and noticed they were already under investigation by the Marine Corps for harassing and stalking people online. I decided to place a report with one of their Facebook groups and they were promptly removed. It was a small victory but I'll take any that I can get. That wasn't the end as a Facebook friend decided to attempt some ideological humor at my expense in the way any idiot with an internet connection does; a meme. This is it as follows:

Basically the gist of it is that philosophical questions regarding monotheism can be solved with violence while invoking religious reasons and the military industrial complex as scapegoats. A military industrial complex used as a scapegoat. Hows that for irony? 

This meme pretty much captured the essence of of Fox News/Jihadist Islamaphobe logic. In Samuel L. Jackson fashion here was my retort:

A Jewish math teacher in Germany in 1939 walks into class and says, "2+2=4. If it equals 5 may Hitler walk in the next 15 minutes and shoot me dead. An SS soldier taking classes in between deployments of rounding up people for concentration camps waits till its about 15 minutes then pulls out his gun and shoots him in the head killing the teacher instant;y. When other students ask for an explanation the SS trooper responds by saying, " The Fuhrer is too busy killing these Jews to be bothered with Math."
Now replace 2+2=4 with reality, 2+2=5 with Religious Reasons, and the SS soldier with gun nuts and you'll understand the psyche of people that watch Fox News.

That's the real problem in this country. The old guard not willing to give into evolution. That the time of Protestants is coming to an end and just like any tyrants who's numbers are dwindling they are now resorting to espionage but not of the technological variety but of the social and cultural variety. They are trying to overthrow the First Amendment itself. That's why they always speak of "The Truth" and "The Founding Fathers" with the latter if find very humorous since if Thomas Jefferson were here at this very moment he would line every single one of these jerk offs up and shoot them in head for treason. That reason being that they have been trying to merge Christianity and American society into one entity. Not only is it unconstitutional but it is in fact treason. The attempts of this group POG Boot Fuck to silence me on the account of one joke is treason as well but of a much lesser degree. I'm not going to rant on here about how they should be hung because they honestly shouldn't. Despite all of their threats and insults, not to mention showing up to my job to get me fired and possibly lynch me, they are just merely the by products of this brain washing that is part of our society and is only exacerbated by the brainwashing  training that Marines must endure to become part of the Corps. 

They are a necessary part of our military as they the tip of the spear that clears the way for the Army Rangers to lead the way in the event of armed conflict that may once again take place in Iraq due to the Bush Family's prior fuck ups there. This time it should actually be about giving the people of Iraq their country back from people that want to push them back to short-sighted and dogmatic rules of law based in works of ancient science fiction. America is becoming an increasingly secular nation along with the Middle East. That's what the Arab Spring was about; true democracy brought by the internet. 

What has been happening to me is the result if the old guards espionage. It's the result of it's last generational gasp and short-sighted nurturing. America is no longer about a country. It's about a species just as other industrialized nations are. Our world is no longer about how many bombs you can drop but how many messages you can get across. That's what sets our country apart; we are unmatched in the weapon of advertising because advertising plants ideas. It sways opinion and it can topple governments.

The bottom-line is that I hit a nerve with that Old Guard and it got way out of hand. Then again maybe that needed to happen. Maybe the psyche of the Marine Corps needs to evolve along with the rest of our country because these are no longer the times of Super Power vs Super Power. It's Billboard vs Billboard. It's who can generate the message that attracts the biggest audience. It's all about ratings whether positive or negative. 

I'm just about making my mark and seeing where the pieces lie. Sometimes those pieces want to get up and shatter you.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Stuff You See on the Road...

Here's something thing that drives me nuts. People that say, "No matter how I feel about someone if they were broken down on the side of the road I'd help them". Oh really? How long have you been working at AAA for? Do you own a tow truck? Are a rogue vigilante that drives around the mean streets looking for a case of a flat tire or a dead car battery? Do you have a side kick in a tower in a tow yard that alerts you to the next instance of a Honda stuck in a ditch?

I drive down the road everyday and see people broken down on the road around 3-5 times a week. You know what I do? I bet it's the same thing most of you people do. Especially at 4AM since you don't want to explain why you are trying to be a contributing member to society with alcohol on your breath since you couldn't turn down those last 5 oyster shooters from that mixed race chick with the big tits and fuck me eyes.


You know why?


For all I know that could be next craigslist killer that is looking for some practice before starting up a GMail account. You know? A little pre-maiming?

That's why I stopped working for AAA. I wasn't getting paid enough to risk getting murdered.

Another thing that grates my mind like its being raped with a salted pineapple. What the fuck is with people buying dogs? I don't get it. I see stray dogs on the road all the fucking time. FREE DOGS. On the road all the time. Yet people go to pounds and farms and other pet boutiques to spend money on a dog.

That would be like me being a in a bar filled with chicks. HOT CHICKS. All of them are walking around with recent STD results in hand and shirts saying, "FREE PUSSY" while also yelling, "FREE PUSSY!!" like it's peanuts at a baseball game. 



For the ladies just imagine this bar is also filled with nude Channing Tatum clones with raging 12 inch erections while giving you those seductive bad boy eyes. He's ready to drill your pussy like he wants to put a ring on it.

You are in this awesome place. You pull out your wallet. Count your money and say to yourself, "Ehh..I'd rather go buy some pussy (or cock) at the whore house."

If you want a dog go get one off the street.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Honest Craigslist Sex Ads

Anyone that knows me knows that I like using the Internet for getting laid among other pursuits that involve my heads; big and little. The overwhelming majority of my sex life can be attributed to the electronic web. The rest can be attributed to bars, night clubs, college parties, and Brazilian jiu-jitsu lessons. I started with online fucking, or online dating for you politically correct HPV fearing individuals, way back before the days of Tinder, FetLife, or BangWithFriends. Around 2005 to be exact. This was when Facebook was just starting to become popular as well as Myspace. If you wanted sex with no strings attached via the web your best bet was Yahoo Instant Messenger. Then the spammers started showing up and it basically became a spot to get a virus; computer ones along with herpes. Then craigslist came along and that's when my sex life really started taking off. I could probably write a book just on how to get laid via craigslist but honestly I am starting to get annoyed with CL; that's craigslist for those that still don't still think the internet is something your school lunch teacher used to wear while talking about the latest episode of the Andy Griffith show.

The drawback with Craigslist along with anything else involving human beings is that their is a lot of bullshit. People might be honest about wanting to get their rocks off but that's pretty much all you can conclude with any amount of certainty. How they go about satisfying those intentions is when all the drama starts. One second you think you are flirting with a 10, get a picture of a 10, and then they meet you out at Applebee's looking like they ate that 10 along three others along with picking up a chain smoking habit. It comes with the territory. You take the good with the fat rolls and cigarette burns. Sex might be easy to come by on on the internet but honesty is a luxury just like in any other facet of life. Our country isn't great because it's honest, our country is great because it gets what it wants. For the sake of fantasy let's make believe we do live in an honest society and that everyone that was looking for sex online could pass a polygraph about who they really are. Here'e what some ads on the casual encounter's section of craigslist would look like:

GUN POWDER AND LEAD (22F Suburbia, somewhere near Florida)

Hi. I love tattoos and have my right arm covered in one. I have a black girl ass but I'm not into black guys because my parents would never talk to me again but for sake of political correctness I'll call it a preference. I'm great at sucking dick but lousy at choosing boyfriends. For fun, besides giving blow jobs and being used by frat boys, I like to go to karaoke and sing about going home to load my shot gun, sitting on the porch, and lighting a cigarette. Email me for a pic and if you aren't a minority then let's meet up for a few drinks at a dive bar with bras on the ceilings.


I'm a 6'4" Black dude which is why white bitches sleep with me. They are all fat and usually have self esteem issues. So if you come from an abusive household and spend most of your free time at Spencer's then get up with me so that I can do my best Tucker Max impression since I wish that I could be a rich like a frat boy even though Tucker Max never was a frat boy. Being black I do have a 9" cock and I sort of know how to use with all of the experience that I brag about to all of my buddies even though I will tell you that I do no such thing. If I think that you are really cool I will offer to fist your asshole with Crisco. If you ever want to see me act like an Uncle Tom with PMS then just kick me to the curb since I hate getting a dose of my own medicine due to innate self esteem issue of my own as well confusion about my sexual orientation. Send me a text and I'll send a pic of my mandingo cock.


I'm looking for a safe jump off. If you are too white for hip hop then I am looking to fuck with a condom since I don't want to risk giving my husband HPV because BET doesn't teach that everyone has it. I'm a black girl with curves in all the right places. I want my pussy to be eaten like it's owed reparations and I love being fucked from the doggy position. I;m not into any of that hair pulling shit because this weave is not cheap. Rip it out and I'll kick your ass till you say that you name is Toby. Obviously I can't host but am down for fucking in my car behind the nearest Wal-Mart.


I am currently posting as the female in a couple that doesn't exist since I am a guy that likes cock. The naked pictures of the chick you see on here were copy and pasted since I know how you straight guys love to fuck attractive women but I'm hoping that deep, deep down you are bi-curious. Please give me a chance? I can give head in a dark room discretely so that you can make believe that is Beyonce's mouth the entire time but I do hope that you will be yearning for my tight, warm asshole. If you don't want to then just tell me that I;m being a fag since I love being treated like a sissy little bitch.

These are just a few that pop in my mind but I'm sure there a plenty of other kinky, miscreants that are waiting to have an add answered by lil' ole ginger me and I will for the sake of comedic material. Who knows? Maybe I'll get to break a tranny's heart while it cries it's eyes out to "It's Raining Men."

Friday, June 6, 2014

Bravo Bryan Singer and Kiss My Ass Charleston PD, My X-Men: Days of Future Past Review

So seeing as how well using a movie as an excuse to get casual sex worked the night prior I figured I'd go for part two of hat trick with an early showing of X-Men: Days of Future Past. I was actually quite excited about this one; the movie and the girl seeing as how I am a huge comic book nerd even though I have never read a comic book. Not to mention that the woman in question was the very definition of the work exotic. If anyone has read my past sexual history, especially with VampireChick or HotObama then you can imagine my excitement at the possibility of sleeping with a brown skin hottie with tattoos in spades. She hit both of my turn ons on the proverbial blood filled mushroom head. However she couldn't hang out prior to it so I was going to have to take my chances after the movie and late night hours also worked in my favor so no worries on my part. Besides from our conversations she actually seemed to be very laid back and intellectual so believe it or not sex was not a priority. Don't get me wrong. I wanted it but it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't get it. Not with a women that actually respects herself; I can respect that. I had to pick her up first though.

Picking her up would not be as easy as pulling up to her house and sending her a text saying, "I'm here" followed by me nodding my head to Young Buck for the average 5 minutes from the response of, "Ok" to her actually walking into the car. That's not to say this instance was her fault. In this case the fault lies with the CARTA Bus system, a nosy neighbor, and of course Charleston police officers that know only protocol while lacking any semblance of deductive reasoning. There is a reason why smart cops become detectives and private investigators while the dimwitted ones are stuck to patrol cars until they waste most of their life in obscurity just to secure a pension.

I was sitting in my car, nodding my head to G-Unit's dixie whistlin' mean mugging ambassador when a patrol car pulled up beside me and flashed their mounted driver side flash light square in my face. It only got better as it was a female officer with a short haircut. I already knew she was going to be a pain in the ass a chick with a short haircut always has something to prove. Maybe its proving that sand in the vagina can lead to a higher conviction rate; who knows. Their are a few short hair women that are an exception to this but only because I have had sex with them and the last thing I'm going to do is throw salt into my own game. I get enough drama sodium as is.

ButchCop: "What are you doing here sir?"

Me: "Waiting on a friend."

ButchCop: "Why?"

Me: "I'm taking her to go see X-Men."

She kept busting my balls about what I was doing there and that's when another patrol car pulled up. Two stoned face male officers that look like they split their time between the gym and jerking off to an alternate ending to Schindler's list; one where Schindler's list doesn't make it. They gave me the typical cold faced poker stare trying to use intimidation to shake my resolve. This might make a drunken frat boy or some wanna-be thug act a fool but then again  I knew I wasn't doing anything illegal; last thing I was going to do is give them a reason to arrest me on disorderly conduct. I just looked at ButchCop:

Me: "Am I doing anything illegal? I mean I am in a public domain right?"

ButchCop: "You are but she (the neighbor) has the right to call any suspicious activity. Can I see your ID?"

She might be a bitch but she was right in that regard.  Also, and this is where lots of people fuck up with cops, but asking me for my ID is a lawful order. If I didn't present it she could have arrested me on the spot and then I would have spent $22 on movies tickets so I can spend more money on bail money. She might have won the battle but she wasn't going to win the war. The only way I could would be if I started yelling and screaming about my rights. She took my ID and walked to her car while I texted the girl about what was going on.

TattooedHottie: "What? Omg...did you tell them you are waiting on someone?"

Me: "Yep."

That's when ButchCop came back my car to hand me my license back. That's when she gave me this pearl of advice with a shit eating grin:

ButchCop: "Have fun with your girlfriend tonight."

Me: (responding back in the most sarcastic tone possible) "She's not my girlfiriend."

Most would say I'm an idiot but also most don't take advantage of an opportunity to talk shit to a cop in a legal fashion; fuck her. She has the law on her side to bust my balls. It takes a genius to piss one off without going to jail. All she could do was give me that same shit eating grin while her eye twitched as she tried to hide her anger as "some citizen" put her in her place that shouldn't have the legal or financial means to. I pulled my car up in front of TattooedHottie's house, turned the engine off and kept on listening to my hip hop. Kiss my ass Charleston Police Department and go suck on your night sticks.

TattooedHottie called me and asked if I could pick her up from the bus stop around the corner from her house. Seeing as how it was on the way to the theater and that the movie started in 20 minutes I started up the Denali to head her way. I picked her up over at the Rutledge Cab Company and she looked just as good as she did in her online photos. This was already looking promising compared to 15 minutes prior. I got out of the Denali and opened the car door because I guess I think I have a soul. She hopped in, I hopped in and we drove to the theater.

We walked into the theater and it was almost packed but we lucked out with a couple seats in the back row which was great because I hate the prospect of someone projectile vomiting on the back of my neck and I'm auburn-licous hair. Having that experience at a UFC party years ago is enough for me. Last thing I need is the smell of stomach acid, coors light, and peanuts for the rest of my natural born life.It's why part of me wants to die young so I dont have to deal with the smell of boduily excretions in a hospice 24/7.

After the previews the movie started with the background a dystopian future that was the stuff of a Ron Paul nightmare. Just imagine something akin to the future envisioned by James Cameron in the Terminator movies with more purple lighting and mutants.  Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart) is providing a monologue about how this tragic turn of events has taken place while pondering whether the future can be changed. The cause of this future is due to mutant hunting robots called Sentinels that are programmed to seek out and kill anyone that harbors the mutant gene whether it is fully expressed or they are only carriers of it. In other words the entire planet has become a massive Final Solution and mutants are the problem; at least in the eyes of the rich bigots.

The Sentinels make their first appearance as some as a band of surviving mutants, led by Kitty Pride, are seeking refuge in some abandoned military installation in the mountains. All seems calm for a second and then Sentinels bust in like a herd of murderous Kool-Aid men minus the red shit. The mutants put up a fight but the Sentinels are able to adapt to any of their powers and begin offing them. Kitty and Bishop hide in an isolated room with the help of Blink who can open portals to other locations. Kitty starts using her powers on Bishops in rush against time in order to avoid getting 86'd by the Sentinels. She succeeds just in time as the other mutants are already dead and they all vanish. They later show up in a dystopian China where Professor Xavier, Wolverine, Magneto, and Storm are in hiding. It is revealed that Kitty has the power to send someone's consciousness back in time to warn them a few days prior of any incoming attacks from the Sentinels. I wish I had the same power when I turned down a threesome with HotVampire and her hot tattooed friend for a Russian chick. Guys, don't ever put you balls in one basket and by basket I mean monogamy; at least for as long fucking is your primary goal in life.

So far TattooedHottie and myself are pretty impressed as Professor X is explaining how this bleak future has come to pass. Basically Boliver Trask  (Peter Dinlage) whom epitomizes the personality of the bigots involved in the US Military Industrial complex, i.e. a midget is assassinated by Mystique in the year 1973 (Jennifer Lawrence) which sets off the unfortunate chain of events. After assassinating Trask Mystique is captured and her DNA is harvested in order to give the Sentinels the ability to adapt to the powers of any mutant which makes them as successful as they have been in wiping out most of the mutant race. They decide to use Kitty Pride's powers to send Wolverine's consciousness back to 1973 to prevent the assassination. I'll admit this is an interesting concept for time travel and when I haven't seen used on film yet. If its been in another film it's news to me.

Kitty Pride does her magic and Wolverine wakes up exactly where a rapidly healing claw for hire would be expected to wake up in 1973; the bed of the daughter of a mafia boss. This leads to some comedic relief as some mobsters come into the room and think, "Hey, lets shoot Wolverine with some pistols because that will totally teach him a lesson right?" Obviously the lesson that was learned was that impaling Italian gangsters is like impaling anyone else; there's red shit but its not marinara.

Wolverine eventually finds Professor Xavier at the mansion after having an impromptu battle royale with Beast. Professor X walks in. Let me repeat that for anyone that has known the character and saw the ending of X-Men: First Class. Professor X can walk despite taking a bullet to the spinal cord. He also is now lacking his power to read and control people's minds not mention sporting a snazzy new Jim Morrison-Jim-Morrison-on-a-dope-bender look. Just think of a more dramatic version of Jeff Bridges in the Big Lebowski and you'll get the idea; or just see the movie. Apparently he has regained the ability to walk because he has in fact  been shooting up albeit its a serum instead of an opiate.

After Wolverine convinces Professor X that he is Wolverine from the future while still Wolverine in the present and that the future is going to really suck for mutants they embark on finding a kid that has the nickname of Quiksilver. He's called Quiksilver because he both think and move very fast. He moves so fasts that he could break your ankles, heal your ankles, and break them again on the basketball court; if he played basketball. The reason for seeking him out is because they need break Magneto on murder charges for assassinating a very high profile public figure. Let's just say it will get a rise out of conspiracy theorists.

Quilsilver nearly steals the entire show in one scene while breaking Magneto out. Just imagine that 70's show meets the Matrix and you'll get the idea. He makes Neo look lethargic by comparison. Not too mention the slap stick humor is a nice touch. That's one of the things I like most about Days of Future Past. It strikes a good balance between action, drama, humor, and philosophy while allowing itself to not getting bogged down by any of those elements. They all meld together to make for comic book movie experience that is up there with the Dark Knight and Iron Man as the best comic book movies ever made.

Days of Future Past is full of plenty of "Oh Shit" moments and, like I said, Quiksilver nearly stole the show; nearly. The moment that stole the show is when Magneto pics up an entire baseball stadium and drops right on the White House lawn while turning everything in sight into swiss cheese with Sentinels he hacked earlier in the film. This scene alone tops anything that I have yet to see this far in theaters this summer. TattooedHottie was equally mesmerized. She brought up an interesting point after the we left during the credits which I later found was a huge mistake since we missed the part where Apocalypse made his appearance.

TattooedHottie: "They can do the entire series over now."

She made a point. I wont say much to ruin the ending but lets just say any character that you like and may have lost will have a logical reason to return due to the plot of Days of Future Past. The movie was awesome, so awesome that I didn't mind getting blue balled by TattooedHottie. She actually had a legit reason to due to the fact that she was tired. I know a lot of times this can be just the result of a woman playing games but she had all the physical signs of exhaustion so I let her pass out so I could write this review.

All in all X-Men: Days of Future past gets a Brag-gable rating from me and I highly recommend seeing it. As it stands now this is the summer movie to beat/

Friday, May 23, 2014

Being What You Eat...

I’m sick of people bitching about prejudice. I’m sick of all this talk about equality and tolerance and compassion along with any other pseudo-altruistic bullshit that people preach for the sake of political correctness. That’s all it really is for; to appear like you give a shit when you really don’t. Some are blinded by it; they really think that they care. They really think that they are human. They have the shell of one. They talk like one. Yet they just seem to follow a script. They play a role. They go along with the program. Yet they don’t even know what the program is. It’s called evolution but it just means progression by trial and error with time as the filter. What are we progressing to? Survival? Doesn’t that make evolution quite static? That’s all the progression from generation to generation is all about? Surviving the programming even though the result is an inevitable termination by the filter of time? What’s the point? What’s the point of surviving? What’s the point of any of this?

The believers say God, the non-believers say nothing, the agnostics say they don’t know. So basically we have two groups of idiots and one group that lacks the balls to take a guess and formulate a theory despite the bread crumbs being everywhere. Fuck they are made of the bread crumbs; they are the loaves. Maybe that’s why they call it a bun in the oven before they come out. Unfortunately most lack the ingredients to even make a proper sandwich. Yet they preach equality and love. What the fuck is with them and love? What the fuck has love ever given us except more shit that we take way too literally? Maybe love is the problem because it leads us to making bonds that only slow us down. They want progress yet they want to slow down. They cant even make up their minds. One second its rush then the next it’s slow down. Can we make up our fucking minds?

Maybe we are just confused and we are so obsessed about not being confused. So basically we can’t make up our minds about what to do because we are confused. Maybe that’s why there is nothing under the shells besides the innate machinery. Maybe we are just machines. The funny thing is I get called a monster all the time yet I seem to feel more than they do. I feel more human than they do. Maybe being a monster and human is one in the same. Maybe the truth is that we are meant to be monsters. We are meant to thrive on consumption. We progress by atrocity. Just over time we have found a way to feel better about it. We have invoked the concept of guilt so that we can commit atrocity in a responsible fashion. Now there’s a contradiction; atrocity and responsibility. Quite quantum isn’t it? We want to destroy in a constructive manner; yet we want to bitch about cancer.

 We are a fucking cancer that has its sights set on this ever expanding space time that expands faster than light. We want to own it and yet we think we won’t destroy once we do. It’s like we thing we are a bunch of potheads chasing a pie just to stare at it.

Maybe that’s why we should just start to eat each other. Fuck it, that really would be atrocity in a responsible fashion. It would keep the numbers down and give new meaning to ethnic cuisine. The hippies would be happy since there would be less shells chopping down the trees while sucking up the oxygen. We could have buffets of it with all of the garnishes and trimmings. It could come with Bloody Mary’s with real blood from bitches named Mary. I mean it would go well while eating fajitas made with real non-genetically modified Mexican babies marinated in Salma Hayek’s squirt juice. I say if you want to be human then you should be what you eat. Just my thoughts and appetite.

What the fuck Warner Bros? My Godzilla review

So the new Godzilla is out and I used it as a reason to use a chick I met off of for some casual sex. The sex was pretty good and it gave me some more practice in consensual choking and hair pulling techniques just in case there ever is a 50 Shades of Grey "Choke a Bitch to Orgasm" sweepstakes. Maybe I'll win some ball gags and paddles or something. After the sex was over we rushed over to Cinnebarre to go see it. Well after round two of the sex was over we went to go see it. I don't know why I chose Cinnebarre but maybe it's because I like my wallet getting raped over $11 movie tickets and $11 chicken fingers that looked like they had been in the fryer longer than Mickey Rourke's face. If you wan't an overpriced Mojito then Cinnebarre is the place to go. Then again if you drink Mojitos you might as well place your own face in some boiling grease. That way you can be disabled just like your taste in alcohol.

So anyway the movie started after me and FetlifeChick were talking about how guys suck at talking to girls while they resort to rophynol or something. The film starts out in 1999 which I think was a passive aggressive way of Toho and Warner Bros. kicking Roland Emmerich in the dick for that piece of reptile shit called Godzilla back in 1998. In other words I think this was Hollywood's way of letting it go and getting back to what Godzilla was meant to do; make movie goers giddy while saying, "Holy Shit!" repeatedly like they just saw Miley Cyrus sodomize herself with a crack pipe as Rob Ford lights it up; the pipe not Miley Cyrus's asshole. 

The film starts out in the Philippines with the sight of Ken Watanabe which makes sense since if a Hollywood production has some sort of Japanese theme it must have Ken Watanabe. That seems to be the theme ever since The Last Samurai. They might as well call him Ken "This film has some Japanese shit" Watanabe. That's not to say he isn't a great actor; he's one of my personal favorites actually since I really liked the Last Samurai even if Tom Cruise survived. Watanabe and his female scientist colleague are investigating this massive fossil that appears to be radioactive. They realize that another monster must have busted out of it and they find their evidence in the form of a massive hole punched out of one of the cave walls. We are greeted to the site of what looks like a monster that dragged its ass along the ground for about half a mile before finding the ocean. Maybe it didn't wipe properly.

The next act has the one and only Bryan Cranston and his character's wife talking about some non-Heisenberg related shit and then you are greeted to sights and sounds of Cranston speaking Japanese. This only makes me wonder what Breaking Bad would have been like if Heisenberg was driving around the foothills of Mt. Fuji while cooking meth in an RV. Instead of ranting about precursors and methylamine while dodging angry Mexicans and Feds; Cranston is ranting about radiation levels and seismic readings. The science talk alone makes me think there is going to a Breaking Bad moment where Cranston brings down one of the monsters using red phosphorus. I'll be honest, one my major reasons for seeing this movie was to see Bryan Cranston. I wanted to see Heisenberg against the King of the Monsters. 

After some shit goes down at the Nuclear Plant where Cranston's character (Joe Brody) has to watch his wife die he cries and for once he isn't doing to protect his meth empire. The plant eventually completely crumbles to the ground in a sight that will obviously draw comparisons to Fukushima which will probably lead to some crack pot conspiracy theorists claiming the that US government lied about Fukushima to hide a giant monster. This is all witnessed by Joe Brody's son Ford who is just in grade school at the time.

The film flashes forward 15 years and now Ford has a military and his job is working in the hurt locker i.e. Explosive Ordinance Disposal i.e. E.O.D. i.e. defusing bombs. He may not look as impressive as Jeremy Renner but fuck it, this is about Heisenberg and Godzilla. Ford is obviously getting back from a deployment and his commander mentions something about his wife. In other words its time for Ford to get laid because I highly doubt that the US military allows for their soldiers to rape goats; maybe Iraqi women but not goats. Ford gets home and the wife is there. Ford tells his son that he'll be able to eat cake everyday which is cute because I guess parents lying to their kids is adorable in a Halmark sort of way. After they put the little gullible brat to bed Ford and his wife start giving each other "fuck me eyes". I am depressed when I realize this film has a PG-13 rating but then again Ford's wife doesn't look like she has much in the way of tits. 

Right when it looks like Ford is about to round second and go for an inside the cunt home run the phone rings and like a bitch Ford's wife stops. Ladies, you can return a phone call but it's hard to undo a case of blue balls. On the other end of the line is someone at the Japanese consulate that informs Ford's wife that Ford's dad has been arrested for being in the quarantined area of where that nuclear plant went full on Jenga 15 years prior. Ford packs his bags, blue balls and all, to head to Japan to bail his blue balling Heisenberg father out. At least he didn't cripple his wife and rig a bomb to her wheel chair to blow half of Ford's face off. I guess blue balls aren't that bad after all. That's not an invitation ladies; not one at all.

In the next scene Ford is seen in a Japanese police station waiting for Joe/Heisenberg to be released which shows that he is better son than Walter White Jr. since he doesn't bitch about shit or have cerebral palsy. Joe gets released and they go back to Joe's apartment and from all of the newspaper clippings on Joe's wall it is obvious Joe has definitely gone full Ron Paul with the conspiracy theories. Why Libertarians haven't nominated Bryan Cranston for a presidential run is beyond me. First rule of nominating a presidential candidate is to nominate someone that the majority will actually vote for. That's how both Regean and Obama got elected.

Joe/Heisenberg convinces Ford to go back to the quarantined zone that he just got arrested at and off they go. They arrive by boat and walk around in Hazmat suits that look like they were specially designed to be sold at a Military Surplus store or Goodwill. That's when a pack of dogs is seen running by, in good health, which is quite odd since the place is supposed to be soaked in lethal doses of radiation since the plant supposedly underwent a nuclear meltdown. After getting a zilch reading on his radiation detector Joe pulls the mask off and explains to Ford that there is zero radiation as well as to stop complaining like a bitch. Off in the distance they see a bunch lights and secretive military shit where the plant once stood. Maybe Joe's Libertarian sense was tingling for accurate reasons after all. They get captured by these same shadowy figures and get taken to where the plant once stood so that Joe/Heisenberg can be questioned.

It's during this questioning that Joe has his Heisenberg moment. If you watched the trailer then you probably heard part of it but for the sake of the review here's how of it goes, "The truth is that you are hiding something out there----AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!!!!!" The rest of the scene is just as epic and is pretty much the only dialogue requiring artistic merit that is needed for a film that has monsters smashing skyscrapers like they are owed larvae support. Yes larvae is a spoiler but if you want a review that is spoiler free then go read a review from someone that doesn't use going to the movies as an excuse to get laid.

After this scene the shit hits the proverbial fan and the first monster in the film wakes up after gorging itself enough on cesium-137 to get its lazy ass up. At first I thought it was Mothra but it was later called MUTO but the praying Mantis/Insect appearance of it is obviously paying homage to the giant Moth. The spectacle is impressive and the MUTO wrecks shit in a way that would impress an ex of Tiger Wood's. It was great until he knocked out a platform; a platform that Joe/Heisenberg was on. Joe/Heisenberg falls into the rubble but the film doesn't show anything definitive until a later scene where he is shown being zipped up into a body bag. I nearly lost my shit but kept my cool since there was a girl that was fun to fuck next to me and last thing I wanted to do was scare her off. Seeing as I am at laptop now though let me vent:


Okay, now that I have that out of the way I can go back to giving a review free of emotion. Amazingly Joe/Heisenberg dying is just the movie getting warmed up as there are a shit load of buildings that need destroying in Honolulu after the MUTO gets done eating some nuclear warheads from a submarine that it flung into the jungle on the outskirts of the city. Shit gets crazy as it begins to wreck havoc but then Godzilla shows up after after causing a tsunami. The physics of how a creature the size of a skrycraper can cause a 10 meter high tsunami isn't fully explained but then again this is Hollywood; not a lesson in fluid dynamics and plate tectonics. Godzilla and the MUTO begin a battle royale at the Honolulu airport and then the movie flash forwards to the next act since I guess enough of the city had been destroyed and the MUTO wanted to fly off like a bitch.

A bunch of drama happens involving a nuclear waste stockpile in the Nevada and Las Vegas getting destroyed by an even bigger, wingless MUTO whom is apparently in heat and is in need of some thermonuclear flying praying mantis cock. It gets even better when the monsters converge on San Francisco for the climactic battle. I don't know if the writers have some odd fetish that involves Lady and the Tramp and nuclear warheads but there is a scene where the male and female MUTOs making out with the nuclear warhead like its the spaghetti being shared before the inevitable doggy kiss between Darling and Tramp. If that is too G-Rated for you then just imagine the two german chicks from "Two Girls, One Cup" but instead them making out over a cup filled with human feces it's a nuclear warhead.

The funny thing is that isn't the end of the odd radioactive bestiality fetish that the movie has going on as in the final climax Godzilla pulls the female MUTO's mouth wide open like its hard core rape porn and shoots a load of his Thermonuclear plasma into the MUTO's before ripping her head off. Nothing like using non-human characters to avoid getting slapped with a R-rating. I definitely give the scene points for kink factor. Actually that's what I would say if I was raised in West Virginia. It was still a bad ass battle scene and I'm sure it gave some comic nerds an erection because that couldn't find a chick whose mouth they could shoot a load into before heading to the theatre.

Then the in one of the final scenes I nearly had a cynic overload because Joe has to get a boat to take nuclear bomb that was rigged to blow and kill the monsters out of the city which isn't that bad of an idea until you run the math. The boat looked to be moving at a speed of about 20 mph tops and there was only 5 minutes left on the timer before the boat even made it to the Golden Gate bridge and earlier in the movie it was said that the bomb would make the ones used in nuclear tests in the Pacific, "look like a firecracker." Amazingly though the bomb needed only less than two miles to be to put the city outside of the blast radius so either the boat had some rocket propulsion system miraculously installed in 5 minutes or the bombs that were used in the Pacific made the THEY were using look like a firecracker. Huge contradiction there but then again its Hollywood. Just imagine the scene with the nuke at the end of Dark Knight Rises and you'll understand your my cynicism.

So overall I give the movie a score of "Braggable". The dialogue did its job and it built it to a very entertaining climax just like FetlifeChick. While the plot holes are noticeable but not unforgivable; It's worth the ticket.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

When Blue Balling Goes Wrong

So either I am a terrible human being, an awesome human being, a terribly awesome human being, or an awesomely terrible human being. I am sitting here recollecting on the past 12 hours and I don’t know if what happened can be considered hilarious, womanizing, misogynistic, short-sighted, selfish, insensitive, or just Machiavellian in regards to my dick. Damn you Trayvon, damn you. Yes, I am now naming my dick Trayvon because it deserves justice and is always wearing a hoodie made of foreskin.

Here’s my thing about women; I don’t expect sex from them and I don’t expect to get blue balled either. I’m not going to be a dick about it; especially when the chick that is passed out in my bed, that is currently blue balling me, accuses me of using her for sex. I know that trick and veterinarians call it neutering. However, I know if I am patient enough she will eventually cave in. That doesn’t help me at 6 in the morning with a full on erection. If I was raised in Kentucky I probably would have already forced the sex but my dad actually raised me to be a gentleman. I suck at it but a I try. Not raping or hitting women at least gives me a C+. Maybe if I didn’t blog about my booty calls and post topless pics of them I’d be the interesting Ginger in the world or something. I think I am but everyone gets hung on this political correctness shit or as I like to call it, “blue balling the male gender at large.”

Yeah, I don’t know what it’s like being a women and getting eyed up like a piece of meat but then again women don’t know what it’s like being wired to look at every attractive women in their visible spectrum as a masturbatory aid. Never mind when all the blood goes to the proverbial small head when women don’t even have a proverbial small head; they just have, “moods”. That’s difference between men and women; women have to be in the mood for sex while men are always in the mood for sex. Women expect men to get over their genetics yet women can’t get over their petty little feelings. That might sound sexist and I really don’t give a shit. Any women that would get pissed off about this is a waste of a vagina and deserves to get cervical cancer so that we can have less prude, bigoted bitches. Fuck them; oh wait, you can’t because they aren’t in the mood to put out.

Luckily, I have options and at that very moment one was texting me about how horny she was. This was ironic since I wanted to beat up some meat flaps in a pleasurable manner as well. I asked her if she wanted to come over but gave her heads up about the blue baller passed out in my bed. She simply responded via text with, “Ughhhhhh kick her out.” After I clarified that I was her ride she refined her request with “kick her out of the bed”. This is where whatever conscience I have kicked in and I had a moral dilemma; my dick or the blue baller’s feelings. Unfortunately my dick is passive aggressive and since the blue baller wanted to teach my dick a lesson Trayvon felt it was time for some justice. Honestly, blue balling is the George Zimmerman of sex acts.

I walked into the bed room hesitantly and fully aware of the shit storm of annoying that I was about to start; all for my dick. I looked at the blue baller for a moment and took a deep breath. I tapped her on the shoulder until she woke up:

Me: “Hey, ummmm, I got another girl coming over and I kind of need the bed. Could you sleep on the roommate’s bed?”

She gave the familiar, “Are you fucking serious?” and I just looked away trying not to make eye contact my dick had already made up its mind; holding the blood and logic for my bigger head hostage. The blue baller didn’t want to be used for sex and my dick didn’t want to be used to satiate her sense of self-worth. I saw this as a suitable compromise. Then again I wasn’t the one begrudgingly walking to the roommate’s bed. I had a feeling she was trying to prove a point by blue balling me which would work with most guys but then again I am not most guys because most guys think like a guy; i.e. a fucking idiot. Yeah, I might think with my dick but my dick works on game theory. What this means is that I try to pay attention to all the chicks in my life because that increases the odds of keeping my dick in a state of perpetual satisfaction. I always want justice for Trayvon; always.

The girl came over and we fucked in my now vacant bed. The sex was pretty normal. That’s not saying anything other than normal; in and out till ejaculation while acting like I care if she got off even though I think I do care. That’s when I heard the roommate walk into the house. The roommate that I thought would be at work till about 5 in the afternoon since he is the 9-5 type. I quickly threw on some pants and darted out to the living room where he was. I made some odd small talk before threatening him with my psychopathy if he didn’t give me a few minutes to get the blue baller out of his bed without any drama. He agreed; also in a begrudging fashion. People acting begrudgingly makes me want to act like Patrick Bateman.

I walked back into my room where the girl whom got me off says I should make the blue baller go to the couch while she gets her hair and make-up done so she can go to work. The blue baller is awake at this point and she is not happy. She is even less happy when I inform her of the couch idea.

BlueBaller: “Just take me home!”

I can’t argue with this thanks to whatever empathy I have in the presence of women that have fucked me. That’s the only way to get to my feelings; my dick. It’s the only reason why I am nice to women; my dick. It’s the only reason why I don’t punch them; my dick. It’s the only reason why I don’t hate them; my dick. My dick is the reason why I can think like a women minus the hate for them.

Eventually the girl I was fucking leaves after giving me my birthday gift; a UFC encyclopedia that covers everything about the Ultimate Fighting Championships up to about UFC 112. One on end it’s a nice gift but on the other end it’s a reminder of a time in my life that has become a sore spot. It reminds me when I actually I had hope based on sentimentality. A time when I actually thought that having a dream was enough.
She left for work and I went back into the house to deal with BlueBaller. As I walked to my room she walked past me to the bathroom while avoiding all eye contact. She was making believe that I wasn’t their. I was the giant elephant in the room since the blood had left Trayvon and returned to the big head. That was my realization. All I could do was sit on my bed in silence as I knew I was going to catch some shit. I always do from blue baller for this thing that I call, “having a dick”.

She claimed that I proved her point even though her point had now changed to me just being about sex. I wouldn’t say that I am only about sex. There is about a half an hour period after I cum when I think about things that don’t revolve around me dick. It’s probably only about 85% of the time at most. I mean I do think about other things like physics, psychology, comedy, and politics not mention how I look in the mirror and going to the gym to look better in the mirror. Besides her point, originally, was that I was using HER for sex which ironically means that she thinks in term of manipulation as well. The only difference is that I am aware of that quirk; she still lives in the silly little fantasy world of sentiment or “feelings” if you will.

That’s something I have a hard time picking up on with “normal” people; their feelings; most of the time they just come off as superficial trash to me when I do pick up on them. This also means that I hurt their feelings without realizing it. I explained this to BlueBaller along with the fact that I was kind of born a psychopath so I don’t really live inside of social norms which I think shouldn’t have to be explained to a chick covered in tattoos and piercings but what do I know? Maybe one day we will have a President Albert who sports a Prince Albert. I dropped her off at her car and she made a bee line for it like I….well….kicked her out of my bed to have sex with another girl. It’s funny she tried making a point with me and I ended up making a point with her.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

The Bedroom: Bigotry's Last Stand

So everyone has been making a big deal about Donald Sterling's dumb, bigoted ass getting caught on recording expressing his views about his mixed race mistress posting a picture of her with Magic Johnson on Instagram. We all heard the recording so no point in breaking it down, but it does bring up something that is being overlooked and that is the concept of preferences. Anyone that's not Donald Sterling knows that what he said was wrong except for other rich white people. Sterling is basically a diet Strom Thurmond that is more than happy to associate with minorities, and make money off of them, but no way in hell will he be caught associating with them in any social functions where his rich, white friends might be around. In his mind it wouldn't be appropriate. To him the NBA is nothing more than a cotton plantation and him signing the paychecks of the likes of Chris Paul, Blake Griffin, and Doc Rivers is the proverbial lashing. In his mind the pen is mightier than the whip. THAT is the source of the issue as far as most are concerned.

"I'm not racist. I pay 12 black guys every year."

I on the other hand say that is the source of the issue at face value, but like any issue dealing with civil rights the rabbit hole goes much deeper. When it comes down to it the rabbit hole that is civil rights is pink and stops right at the G-Spot. Ironically that is more than likely where it truly started. Just like how hand to hand combat sports started with Pankration in Ancient Greece only to be disseminated throughout western and eastern cultures only remerge again as vale tudo in brazil, and now Mixed Martial Arts in the United States. The only difference being combat sports deals with pounding faces for the sake of inflicting trauma while sex involves dealing with a cock pounding vagina for the sake of pleasure; or an asshole for all those that like anal, hetero or homosexual. I think that's an egalitarian way of putting it.

Now I say bigotry instead of prejudice because they are actually two different things albeit with a  lot of societal overlap. Prejudice, believe it or not, is necessary for a society and our species to function. You can't treat a lion the same way you'd treat a Chihuahua. One may piss on your leg out of anger while the other will make you part of their diet if you come into their territory. Lions don't make good pets, Chihuahuas do even they think that they are lions that can shit on your rug. Without prejudice we couldn't have laws and regulation to keep a populace in check from such naughty human behaviors like rape, lynching, murder, owning a Land Rover, etc. There would be no way to keep people accountable for their actions. A society without prejudice wouldn't be a society at all; it would be anarchy and it wouldn't be the heaven that libertarians think it would be. It might be heaven for those that bang their heads to death metal and smoke meth for breakfast while kicking kittens; then again I know a lot of metal heads that like kittens and hate meth.

Bigotry on the other hand is the slippery slope to such warm, fuzzy concepts as genocide, apartheid, and Glenn McConnell's political career. It is action based and linked to toxic prejudicial thoughts that lead to such dehumanization. There is healthy prejudice and toxic prejudice; the difference is toxic prejudice makes it into history books while healthy prejudice is found in science books. So what does this all have to do with sex, bigotry, and preferences? Everything actually seeing that when it comes to sex everyone is bigoted; EVERYONE.

Personally my own bigotry towards sex has evolved over the years. When I first started having sex my preference was anyone that was consenting. Then it evolved to anyone consenting whose breasts come out further than their stomach. Then it was anyone consenting whose tits came out further than their stomachs whom are also down for choking, hair, pulling, spanking, or anything else found in 50 Shades of Grey or a Tucker Max novel. Now it is all of those on top of someone that can hold an intellectual conversation that also has a sense of humor. In other words I'm into sluts that can understand how comedy and string theory can apply to being tied up while being railed whilst in the doggy position all while having a belt a belt wrapped around the neck so that I can properly constrict their carotid arteries for the sake of orgasm. What can I say? I'm a freak.

That's just me though and unfortunately most people do not share my views; this is why most people also suck in bed. That's why rich, white girls that have preferences that doesn't include black guys also have a preference for just laying there during sex. If they would just open their minds up and take in some black dick  then they might actually figure out how to use their hips to fit the entire mandingo anaconda in. Lo and behold most of them are content with never getting a guy off and finding some frat boy to turn into another impotent pet that gets his rocks off on cocaine and hookers. It's why we can't have nice things and its why porn is so lucrative since women call it a fantasy on porn's part while I call it a lack of motivation on said step ford wives' part.

Bigotry isn't solely designated to rich, white women. For every bigoted white woman saying they only do "southern gentlemen" I'll show you a chunky white trash female that is ONLY looking for BBC; "big black cock" for those that don't frequent craigslist. For every female only looking for a "sugar daddy" I'll show you a "sugar daddy" only looking for chicks that can be paid to go away. You show me a mixed race women only interested in gingers and I'll show you a bunch of happy gingers. Ok maybe that last one is a preference on my part and even though I do love attractive beige woman I also sleep with many outside that preference. That's just the crème de le crème for me but at the same time who can turn down a twinkie?

"Think about that question long and hard if you are thinking about saying no."

Having preferences is fine as long as you understand the meaning of the word. A preference means that you like one thing more than another. At the same time it doesn't rule out options. Personally if I had a choice between Pepsi or Coke I would prefer water because I hate love handles but if there was no water I'd choose one or the other instead of going thirsty. However, when it comes to sex most people would rather be sexually frustrated thirsty instead of nourishing their thirst just because they don't have a water option. We all do it and its absurd because we would rather choose preferences over satisfaction. That is why there are, "so many problems" in the world as sexually frustrated people would say. If you want to fix the problems then get over your petty little preferences and start fucking. Don't be stupid about it; make sure they don't have a major STD or something but your not going to live forever. Do you really want to die miserable? If there is chemistry then just fuck. Fuck your brains out, fuck their brains out, and fuck their best friend's brains out if they'll consent to it. That's why bonobos have a civilized society while chmpanzees are about as civil as the Middle East despite the genetic similiarities between the two; or them and us for that matter. If Chimps wore bomb vests that is. The last time I checked Sharia law wasn't too fond of casual sex in a no strings attached manner.

Bottom line is that the progress of a society can be judged by the amount of progress in the bedroom. As long as preferences are treated like requirements with no room for experimentation then bigotry will still be in our mists and such charming fellows as Donald Sterling will be able to have relevancy in our society. If people want a society that is truly blind in its treatment of human beings and solely judges them on the content of their character then people need to get beyond their hang ups in the bedroom which would solve the problem that is the difference between the inside and outside of the bedroom. That problem being outside the bedroom everyone complains about getting fucked while inside of it they complain about not getting fucked enough. The locations are actually one in the same. What makes it a problem is us.

Lets be the solution for once.