Monday, January 20, 2014

"Morals" and if STD's were people...

Guy Morals...

I was talking to a certain person that I know. I'm not going to say names. No hints; no bread crumbs. He has recently gotten out if a long term relationship of 7 years and this was the first girl he fucked a girl he met in high school. There is a reason why such a thing is called "puppy love" and it's because it forms relationships based on being naïve. Wanna-be Halmark jerkoffs make it sound all cute and fuzzy but in reality it just leads to a bunch of misery under a viel pseudo-happiness that keeps the pharmaceutical industry happy by hooking you on opiates or as they call them "anti-depressants".
These also tend to be the type of people that complain about Obamacare yet want a "controlled air strike with no boots on the ground" in Syria. They complain about a lack of privacy yet always want to delve into the business of others. They want "less government" yet want "secure borders". They also think that corporations are people and lets be honest; if they were people they would be the type that would drug you before selling you into the sex trade in China. Instead they want to talk about "morals" These people are the reason why I'd love for Pat Robertson and Nancy Grace to die via a firing squad of 12 year olds from Sierra Leone and South Sudan pulling the triggers.

Sorry to get off point but when it comes to a potential mate there are things that I would like to determine before I even get to this whole "morals" thing that these ideological twats love to expel out of their authoritative pie holes. As we all know rich dumb twats have an annoying habit of turning into dumb twat politicians. If there are such a thing as "morals" then these are it:

1. Does she have nice tits?

Tits are very important to guys. There might be some guys that consider themselves "tit" guys and some that consider themselves "ass" guys. Shit my dad considered himself a "legs" guy and he pointed that out despite the fact that my mom is easily a D-cup. I mean shit, if it wasn't for the fact that I came out of my mom's vagina I'd probably want to go into it. At the age of 55, as of this writing, she still looks she is in her mid 30's; easily a MILF. It's an Oedipus Complex, every guy has one; Alexander the Great was just famous for it.

Without at least some semblance of fatty tissue on your chest ladies you are going to have  an apple bottom that would make Nicki Minaj look boney or dick sucking skills that could put Black and Decker out of business.

"Congratulations, you have officially passed the First Round."

2. Does she have a nice ass?

An ass is also very important. To be dateable it definitely helps to have both but for a no strings attached situation you really only need one or the other. The more your glutes look donkalicious the more likely a guy will be interested in sweating on your face while getting ready to cum on it. If you are not down with cum on your face then you aren't dateable to any guy worth a shit. You might get a guy with money but at the same he'll be able to afford a chick that will do what you won't on the side. I know it's not fair ladies but it's the same reason why there hasn't been a female president yet. Men are used to embarrassment on their face and if women want the same power they need to be prepared for the same responsibility. Besides, it's not like we are intentionally aiming for your eyes. We don't care about our aim that much unless it's Grand Theft Auto or being on a deployment in Iraq; that or living in Baltimore.

"Now that's something you can get a twerk on with.."

3. Do I want to punch her in the face 30 seconds after she opens her mouth?

I don't condone violence but I do condone dumb bitches shutting the fuck up. I have lost count of how many times my dick went from tomahawk missile to linguine because some chick wanted to talk about some Sarah McLachlan commercial that made her feel bad about her Golden retriever contracting AIDS or whatever she has made her career off of. If you like animals that's great, so do I, but saying such a statement while talking about how you love veal will make me say something to offend you on purpose, like skull fucking kittens, so that I can move to the next bitch that might let me pleasure her cunt. Your opinions aren't going to change the world or clean up Fukushima. Want to impress me and turn me on at the same time? Talk about particle physics or the Information Loss Paradox. That will get me ready to bust harder than neutrinos becoming superfluid at the singularity of a black hole. Am I the only one that understands the Big Bounce theory?

"Just think of this face before you say or do anything stupid ladies; or just ask Rihanna."

4. Is she down to fuck?

This might be important solely for the fact if you aren't down to fuck, ladies, then we simply have no interest in anything you say; ever. We might tell you what you want to hear but that is solely for the hope that'll you'll shut the hole that obviously won't come anywhere near our dick. If your mouth won't communicate with our manipulative small head, never mind the other holes, then we simply don't care. You are about as useful to us as a Ferrari owned by some 50 year old elitist cock with a comb over. Yes, that is me objectifying women that don't put out because women that don't put out are only objects to look at that speak dumb slut English. If you want us to care enough to get to know you then you need to loosen up and let us in ladies. Not all of us are pending rapists or will post your topless photos on their blog.

All of my friends have been female merely for the fact that the requirement to be a friend with me is to fuck me which rules out guys since I'm straight. Guys can be acquaintances at most since honestly what self respecting stud would want to hang out with people that they wouldn't want to fuck unless their is weed or beer involved? Beer and weed is acquaintance worthy but only sex can make you friend worthy. Pussies get "friend zoned", studs get "friends with benefits".


5. Is the fucking the only thing worthwhile?

Now with the previous statement I said before people might be shocked by my next bit of logic: Personality is HIGHLY IMPORTANT. If you have the intellectual depth of kiddie pool then all you are good for is going balls deep. You're just as much a masturbatory aid to us as internet porn, a lubricated hand (if you're a pussy), and moistened paper towel. You're a fleshlight with tits that we have to feed in the morning. Well we don't have, to but I at least try to be a gentlemen with my booty calls. It helps them come back for more so that I don't have to hit up craigslist or a downtown Charleston bar to look for next flesh tube to stuff with my slight above average size uncircumsized Ginger cock.

Breakfast time is usually where we decide the pros and cons of fucking you. If you play your cards right ladies then you might be the only women we ever want to fuck again ever; statistically it's not likely but anomalies do happen. If you come off to us as annoying or offensive, because do have feelings and shit, then the next time you text us we will probably be "busy", i.e. we are communicating with a chick that we would rather fuck instead of you. In other words check the Miley and Beyoncé diva complexes at the door. We want someone to talk to, not someone looking to make an ideological statement.


Are STD's people?

If there is such a things as guy morals, that are actually followed, then those are it. Anything else a guy claims is either to get into your pants or to get you to leave them alone. If you do let a guy into your pants though then it's not all bacon and whiskey; anyone that isn't a virgin will back me up on that one if they have brain cells. Herpes, HPV (which you have already if you are reading this), Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Crabs, Chlamydia, HIV/AIDS, Child Support, relationships, are all cock blocking agents that we have to dodge in our sexual Matrix.

When you really think about it STD's are a lot like people themselves. Don't agree with me? Fuck you since you are also probably the type that thinks corporations are people while gossip about the last song based Taylor Swift making a profit off of embarrassing ex boyfriends that she blue balled yet give guys like me shit for embarrassing women by hooking up with them and posting the play-by-play online. In reality STD's are every bit as much a person as you and have more personality. So, let's start with one that we all know about and of course I am talking about herpes:

Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV)

Herpes is that crazy ex-girlfriend that you want to forget but always pops up to remind you in excruciating detail when it's least convenient. It's pretty high up on the cock blocking heirarchy since it is also a very persistent cunt that always hides when your immune system goes into seek and destroy mode only to pop up again when that hot bitch is sexting you with the subtlety of a Land Rover rolling over your head. It's like it goes through your cell phone and is like, "WHO DA FUCK IS EVA???? FUCK THAT SHIT, YOU STAYING IN AND WATCHING NETFLIX TONIGHT MUTHAFUCKA." In other words Herpes is Left Eye from TLC's ghost.

Human Papilloma Virus (HPV)

Like I said before, if you are reading this or haven't lived in a bubble your whole life then you have already run into this introverted, shy HPV that has really dark side if genetics are not on your side. For most people HPV is just a drifter casually passing through that stops by everyone's body sooner or later. Truly the only way to dodge it is by being shot directly from your mom's vagina directly a self contained bubble and staying there for the rest of your life; just look at the CDC statistics.  It affects everybody without most people realizing it, like a good psychopath, except for a wart here and there; also like a good psychopath. For some people though HPV is a stone cold serial killer that likes to kill you slowly and painfully with it's weapon of choice; cancer. The most notorious cancer being cervical cancer. Luckily there are safeguards that keep this psychopathic shit away in the form of a vaccine called Gardasil. Take the shot ladies so that way you can have your uterus soaked without have to worry about it being eaten away after.


Syphilis is like a crack head going through withdrawals. This first time it shows up it looks unattractive and non threatening while just asking some help in getting it's fix, in this case Penicillin, but if not fed it will come back in increasingly more destructive ways until it drives you nuts and kills your ass because you didn't give it what it wanted; that penicillin which kills it. Let's be honest, all crack heads want to die from a fix.


Gonorrhea is basically a pissed off feminist that only wants men to feel the burning searing pain of their presence. Men will feel that burning, imagine pissing out sulfuric acid, while women won't feel shit unless they actually get checked out for it. Some may feel pain during intercourse or urinating but that's probably due to the fact that those are the type of women that feminist hate and by that I mean they don't mind cooking or giving blow jobs.


Remember what I said about herpes being Left Eye from TLC's ghost. Well HIV/AIDS is her IF you marry the bitch after having a little too much fun down in the Red Light district. Not only will it cock block you for life but it will also kill yo ass if you don't have a lucrative J-O-B. The might as well nick name bitches like this "Vince Carter" because once it starts Slam Dunking on your parade "IT'S OVA!!!".

Kids/Child Support

Welcome to the most miserable cunt you can run into this side of Hitler. HIV/AIDS might kill your ass but this cream of the tyrannical crop will make you miserable to the point that you might be inclined to swallow a hollow point yourself while it goes on to hook another fool for 18 years. Fuck Shit, Ruin Shit, Repeat. That's Child Support motto.

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