Sunday, August 24, 2014
But hanging out with him takes an effort; Like I actually have to motivate myself and get the courage to go hang out with my brother in a public place.
Yet there are siblings that are happier than anything to be in there sibling's presence when they don't have to be.
I really want to know their secret; like I would pay $10 to know.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Guys treat their dicks like their dogs. Ever notice that? When they are young and all it knows is to pee on things we pet it and go, "Oh, what are you? I like you."
Once we get old enough to realize its designed for more than just peeing we have to keep it on a leash because it's always trying to jump into things and getting us into trouble. We do this despite all the abuse we do to it while it sits in our lap.
Then as we get older and learn how to find cat owners we want to play with we actually have to get it to stand up. Like we actually have to talk to it, "GET UP OFF THE COUCH!!! We're going for a walk; we have some trouble you can jump into."
Then as we get really old we realize it's days are numbered and we have to watch it go to sleep forever and we cry :(.
Yet you don't see Sarah McClachlan doing a song about my dick....
Monday, August 18, 2014
I was just doing some crusin delivering some pizzats (that's thug for pizza) and I was listening to one of my all-time joints (that's hip hop for song) by 50 Cent and tha Game called "How We Do (Fresh '83)." You may have heard it back in a club if you were in clubs in 2005.
The song starts with this little diddy:
We make a move and act a fool up in the club."
Now I like doing some thuggin'...SOME THUGGIN but my thuggin stops at "Actin' a Fool" for one simple reason; "Actin a Fool" is a good way to get shot by a fool.
Look at what's happening in Ferguson, Missouri and the state of Florida never mind anything that happened in Compton, California in the 90's.
I mean kids, teenagers, are getting shot to death by cops and bigots that are also, "Acting a Fool" over cigars, Snapple, and Skittles. I'm not saying all cops act a fool just like not all thugs act a fool; bigots are just in a perpetual state of being a fool since its not an act.
I'm just saying the 'actin a fool needs to stop'. Maybe instead of "Actin' A Fool" we should start "Readin' A Book"
Neil De Grasse Tyson grew up in the same neighborhood as Mike Tyson. Don't get mad. I'm just keepin' it real.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
The foot clan looked nothing like the foot clan. Ok, Ok it's 2014 and militarization is a reality. Maybe Michael Bay's Foot Clan got some training with Black Water and has a black market connection for purchasing assault rifles to keep current with the times. Marvel movies does this with its while still staying true to the source material. This couldn't turn into what I think it was about to turn into; could it? I was wrong, I was so wrong and yes it had to with the Flight 11 that was Megan Fox because the Flight 175 also happened to be Megan Fox; more specifically a revelation about the character that Michael Bay was trying convince me was April O'Neil.
Now I'm not even going to go into detail about the rest of the movie. Just imagine the rest of the movie as the rest of my fond childhood memories. I'm talking about Super Mario, Sonic the Hedgehog, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Michael Jordan, Power Rangers, Ren and Stimpy, The Simpsons, Rugrats, Kris Kross (If you remember them you're definitely from the 90's), Doug, and Lamar Burton from Reading Rainbow all jumping from the flames to their doom to escape the aftermath of Michael Bay Laden before the towers completely collapsed into a pile of smoldering rubble, gore, and screams.
Thanks to this movie I no longer have a child hood. I'd like to paint some ray of hope somewhere but I would just be lying and I don't want to lie to you people; especially you guys in your 30's because there is a depressing reality that this tragedy of a movie has shown us. Our childhoods are officially over and our adult lives will never be the same again.
Never forget :(
On the other side of the fence was this pitbull barking it's head off at me like I was Michael Vick, Now sober me would have just kept walking because you know? Pitbulls can kick your ass if you disrespect their territory. They are not mean animals. They are just protective and at the time it thought I was threat. He was just being a doggy bouncer. Sober me would have known me.
However sober me had gone wee-wee-wee all the way to oblivion at the moment. Instead there was this asshole around called Drunk Me. Drunk Me is a very mean guy.who calls fat girls on their muffin tops and insults frat boys on their Polo shirts. He's an asshole. He makes grown men and women cry without putting a hand on them. He could be head of the IRS or Cuntcast; I don't call it Comcast I call it Cuntcast.
Drunk Me was walking by that gate, heard the dog, had whiskey and PBR coursing through his veins, thought that the pit bull was disrespecting his authority granted to him by his existence and turned to the gate with a bit of advice, "SHUT UP YOU FUCKING DOG!!!!" which Drunk Me followed by kicking the gate which the pit bull was standing behind.
Now here is the other thing about Drunk Me; he doesn't know his own strength. Drunk Me thought that kick to the gate was going to be a light kick that would establish dominance over the Pit Bull and let him know that there was a MMA fighter that wasn't afraid of Pit Bulls on the other side. However, that kick sent that gate flying open and apparently scared the ever loving piss out of that Pit Bull. I guess I should apologize to that pit bull now. I actually like pit bulls and all other animals. I may eat some of them, not Pit Bulls because I'm not Korean but I love them regardless.
The pit bull did shut up since I guess he realized that there was someone very mean and drunk on the other side but then the porch light for the house came on.
Now this is where Sober Me would have faced the consequences like a responsible adult but like I said Sober Me had been beaten back by a combination of alcohols that only Clint Eastwood could withstand. Drunk Me was there and Drunk Me looked at the now terrified individuals who had no idea what to think. Drunk Me decided this was the time get his Ray Lewis on and looked to them and said, 'Let's get the fuck outta here."
We drove off at a speed that was reasonably higher than the speed limit and everyone got home safe.
Long story short there may come a time in the future where a guy will get a note on his door step that says:
You don't know me and I'm too scared to tell you who I am but here's $1,000. Sorry about the gate.
Sorry about Drunk Me,
P.S. Tell your dog, "woof woof", which I think is, "Sorry, my bad" in dog talk. I hope he is doing well and back to his gate barking ways.
Monday, August 11, 2014
The best part is when you are watching two straight guys fucking a chick in the same hole and both are getting off on one side of their dick rubbing on the side of another guy's dick.
I mean how do they do deal with this? Its not like they are gay or bi where it's instantly fine with them. These are straight guys having orgasms, in part, from rubbing their cock on another guy's cock.
What do I know? I just jerk off to girls being slutty as guys rub their cocks on each other in them.
Dani: "Robin Williams died."
Me: "Is it a hoax"
Dani: "No, he is really dead."
Thanks to the internet I have to ask if every person's death is a hoax. I can't wait till my friends and family start dying so I can start asking if their death is a hoax.
I can't wai till my mom tells me my grandmother is dead.
Mom: (sobbing tears) "Frankie, Grammy passed away."
Me: "Is it a hoax?"
Mom: "No, how could you even ask me that? I'm crying."
Me: "I don't know. I thought you might be trying to sell a hoax and are a good actor."
Thanks Internet. I can't even be sure if old people are dead now.
It's going to really suck when I show up to an ex-girlfriend's funeral and I have to finger her corpse to make sure it's really her. I doubt a hoaxer would be able to forge a dead ex-girlfriend's pussy.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
I don't deal with death like a normal person. The only deaths I have cried over were my dad's, a Cocker Spaniel I used to have named Sonny, a friend from the first grade named Joe Shoeford (Yea, I was Joe's Buddy), and Kate Waring whom was the victim of a homicide. That's 4 people compared however many people I have known that aren't around anymore.
The biggest disservice I could do to our society or myself is to live by its dogmas. That's why I'm going to achieve fame or die trying; probably in a hotel bedroom with my corpse surrounded by used condoms and the crescendo of screams of a mixed race coed whom just discovered that erections happen from rigor mortis.