Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Shut The Fuck Uptology....

People talk now a days; a lot. More than that, they bitch like they just found out that living too long will kill you. It gets annoying as fuck and unfortunately we live in a time when it's not exactly kosher to stuff every jerk weed that bitches about Barack Obama into an ether filled oil drum, toss in a freshly struck match, send it rolling down the parking lot into the nearest Chuck E. Cheese, and grab some popcorn to enjoy the screams. One can only wish upon a star or an executive order that would allow murder 12 hours out of the year. They wouldn't have to do it in a 12 hour chunk. They could just do it one hour a month at random times just to really keep people on the toes. That  announce it like they  hour a month could be announced like the news does when a tornado is on the way to toss a herd of cows into some strip club with finest collection of country fried skanks with three teeth, stomachs that come out further than their tits, and exceptional methamphetamine habits in The Middle of Nowhere, Oklahoma.

Since murder is not exactly everyone's cup of ricin mixed with splenda infused tea; the only thing that any civilized pro-social psychopath can do is murder someone's self esteem, or soul for you God-fearing types. Luckily there is already a tactical thermo-nuclear warhead of logic that exists in the form of a command which can be effectively executed by saying, "Shut the Fuck Up." Notice how there wasn't an exclamation point? That's because there is a certain etiquette to telling people to shut the fuck up. So before you go ranting and raving to every wanna-be Juicy J to shut the fuck up while using the fact that their pants are sagging down to poverty as the basis of your logic you should keep reading; you don't want to get pistol whipped or worse. Shit even Juicy J says, "shut the fuck up" all the time. Muthafuckas follow but they never listen. Guess what? Time to listen.

Shut the Fuck Up Etiquette 101

So you are at a local hot dog stand at 2:30 in the morning. Your girl is giggling that you should hurry home via text, emoticons and all, but you're hungry. A man's gotta eat before a man "goes home to eat". We know what keeps your vagina happy because we have learned that when your vagina hurts; we hurt. Hence the concept of chivalry. Anyways what had meant to be simple hot dog purchased had all the makings of a shit show. That shit show being long line, a friend at a hot dog stand that you had only seen once briefly since one of his friends that he was close to died of an asthma attack and that friend was roommates with a girl you were banging. A girl that you wrote stories about on this blog with a shamelessly plugged link (http://frankandrews.blogspot.com/2013/07/theanderson-silva-of-vagina-occured.html). That girl is also a basis character for a science fiction trilogy that involves fucking dragons you are currently penning.

This is cool though since both of you guys understand the concept of human beings and respect. He is making hot dogs and doing his thing. There is also a really annoying bum that would look like a potential patient zero of an impending zombie pandemic. Luckily, you have 11 years of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai training under your existential belt to know that your biggest fear would be accidentally busting him open and getting Hep C tainted blood in your eyes. In other words you can be confident with your plan A which is the basis of where Shut the Fuck Uptology originates. When used properly it can defuse stress from situations. It is equal parts timing and tone. Just think about how Samuel L. Jackson uses the word, "motherfucker".

"Welcome to the Jedi school of thug life; muthafucka."
How the characters on screen handle it is irrelevant believe it or not since movies are works of fiction. However, they are also programming and Mr. Jackson has programmed an entire American generation to respect the word motherfucker because he delivers the word so well on screen. I don't care of if you are Godzilla, if Samuel L. Jackson said I want this "mothafuckin lizard out of this muthafuckin city" then Godzilla would just leave since he would realize it wouldn't be worth it. That's because of timing:
The Timing and Tone of Shut The Fuck Uptology:
Since the Shut the Fuck Uptology is an art, as well as a science, just like boxing or mixed martial arts. It helps to understand the timing of using a well executed, "shut the fuck up". You can't tell someone to shut the fuck up right off the bat because that's just a good way to get kicked out of a party or to get jumped. You have to let people talk and sometimes bite your tongue because people say stupid shit all the time but an individual person may not every second of everyday. Truthfully, even if they were it doesn't necessarily mean you have to tell them to, "shut the fuck up" because they might just be a smart guy that doesn't know any better due to bad parenting; or one of those "nice guy" things I keep hearing about.
The correct timing for telling someone, such as the crack head that was ruining my hot dog experience, is when they are annoying you AND others. Times like these are when harsh diplomacy is authorized in order to prevent violence in the form of a one hitta quitta or a flying beer bottle; or a bag of bloody used tampons if it's a group of feminists. For as harsh as telling someone to, "shut the fuck up" sounds it can actually do a lot of good; it can defuse a situation while getting you high off this amazing drug called, "silence".

After the bum had scared off this couple after basically trying to shove crack rocks in their pocket along with the neo-hippy hipster bartender that wanted to talk about how the little man gets fucked, yet doesn't explain why maybe doing something about it besides complaining since bitching doesn't solve shit. That's when the bum turned his attention to me and I just stopped paying attention to him like he was a stray dog; at least stray dogs have dignity and don't beg for sustenance. They have learned how to feed themselves. This worked for a few minutes until the guy stood right in my line of sight begging for my attention. It was at this moment that my logic allowed me to act on the lightning bolts building up in the empathetic centers of my mind and say, "Dude, shut the fuck up."

He froze for a moment and then he was about to go off on "full crackhead angry at a cracka" which is when I had to reiterate my sentiments by saying, "Did I stutter? Shut the fuck up." It was at this point that he realized that I had made a valid point about his behavior and his antics were beginning to garner some consequences from a logical Ginger prick with anger issues like myself. He calmed the down, shut the fuck up, and told me his name was Lamar. That was the end of it. He shut the fuck up, I was able to wait in line in peace, get my hot dog, eat it, and go home to my girl's place to have some sex. No one got hurt or went to jail which was all due to the fact that I told him to, "shut the fuck up" in a kind respectful manner. The timing was impeccable but the tone was even more important since the crack head knew I wanted him to shut the fuck up, but I cared about him as a human being.
People that need to "Shut The Fuck Up:
Now that we have the etiquette out of the way we can let's talk about people that need to shut THE fuck up. "The" is all in caps because these are people that really need to shut the fuck up:
1. Women that mention HPV anytime someone talks about sex:
If it wasn't for the fact that ripping out a bitches cervix, without consent, is illegal I would probably just do it like Kano from Mortal Kombat the second these bitches opened their masturbatory aids with vocal cords and just be done with it. Then again this is 'Murica. I can say it, I just can't do it and get away with it ever since that whole 19th Amendment thing got passed.
"You're next warts."
I get it ladies, you don't want a shit load of cancerous cells eating your reproductive system away like a bunch of rednecks that just found out it's the new special at Golden Corral along with a new chocolate fountain that has a slight hint of Taylor Swifts pussy to make it more paleo-friendly. If you are that scared then get the vaccine, Gardasil. Also everyone gets HPV at some point or another including the ones that cause cervical cancer. Usually it never develops past that unless you are already genetically predisposed to being at high risk for it. So unless you left your mom's meat locker straight in a self contained bubble free of any contaminants and have been there since then get the shot and/or shut the fuck up. Besides if you get cervical cancer it means that the universe thinks your vagina sucks and is looking to kill it off anyway.
2. Conspiracy Theorists/Tea Party:
Before I say anything I will say that if you have watched the Zapruder film and think John F. Kennedy was shot by just one person then you're an idiot; a simple understanding of geometry and physics will tell you that much. I'll even go out on a limb and say that J. Edgar Hoover and Allan Dulles were the ones that were pulling the strings; any understanding of the effects of power on human nature will tell you that as well. With that said conspiracy theorists need to shut the fuck up. Conspiracy theories use to be solely the foray of anyone that idolized David Duchovny but it has devolved into downright bigotry which happened right after this guy got elected:
"My Fellow Americans. Crackas gonna crack."
That's right, this new breed of conspiracy theorists stem from the fact that there isn't a white dude in the White House and there probably won't be for some time. George W. Bush wore out white people's welcome. It wasn't all his fault but it was the last straw for anyone that wasn't born with a trust fund or raw dogs their cousins. This country needed change and it came in beige with a hipster attitude. Obama is probably going to go down as one of the most polarizing presidents in United States history simply due to the fact that people don't know how to shut the fuck up; especially white people of Protestant backgrounds. That's why they call him a dictator because anyone that treats people fairly regardless of race is considered a dictator to White Anglo Saxon Protestants. This crowd comes from the same school of thought, and cotton plantations, that criticized Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. In other words they are the rich white people or "The Man" as it has been so eloquently put since the 1950's; in the south.
Quite ironic isn't it? The area of the country that was infamous for why "12 Years A Slave" is such an amazing film, or so I've heard, came up with a term that symbolizes tyranny and oppression based on bigotry towards skin tones yet they only use it when a President might actually enforce equality as a standard instead of as a nice idea for Halmark cards. That's what a little beige will do. The second a Commandeer in Chief comes around that looks a little black all of a sudden every Bible toting gun nut wants become a gun toting Harriet Tubman. It's basically politically correct racism yet they call it, "Saving America". What they should really call it is, "Saving our White 'Murican Women from becoming White 'Murican Single Moms". Basically this is a case where white people need to shut the fuck up and stop listening to Alex Jones.
3. People that Brag about watching porn:
I talked about this at length in a previous article on this blog which I am obviously going to plug on here in a shameless fashion ((http://frankandrews.blogspot.com/2013/12/watching-porn.html). If you are pressed for time I'll just sum it up with the fact that nobody watches porn; they masturbate to it. Watching is only a part of the porn process called, "masturbation". It's making the best out of not having anyone around that is down to fuck so that you don't go to a strip club and pay a $20 cover for a case of blue balls.
4. Guys that brag about having "Game":
In my years of drinking and fucking I have noticed that whenever some guy finally finds a chick to take home due to statistical inevitability they start to think they are Wilt Chamberlain with a License to supplement a bitches drinks with Rophynol. Shit that might have been how he got laid. They go around bragging about how much, "Game" they got. If they are rich then they will really lay it on thick by telling you how they spent $500 on a bitch's tab to get her to play just the tip with him and how she just laid there because he was too much of a pussy to talk to the chick with tattoos that was banging her head to death metal. That's not "Game" either. That's just a case of a bitch making a financial investment. No bitch will turn down a drink even at the risk of HPV. See why those bitches need to shut the fuck up just like these overly enthusiastic bags of testosterone?

In reality there is no game. It is just a matter of talking to bitches and eventually running into one that is down to fuck. I don't care if you have a wingman, 12 inch cock, or a Land Rover. I've hooked up with chicks, very attractive ones, while having nothing more than a '92 Honda Accord with brakes that were more shot than Sandy Hook. It all started because I actually had the balls to talk to a chick like a human being instead of as a masturbatory aid even if that was my only reason for talking to them. It doesn't mean I have game, it just means that I'm manipulative which is commonly referred to as, "thinking like a woman". I play on their emotions for the satisfaction of my dick. In other words I do it so my dick will shut the fuck up just like these twats that talk about having, "game" should.
5. White people that complain about not being able to say the word "Nigger":
I could have just grouped these assholes in with the Tea Party but most in the Tea Party are actually getting smart enough to just leave the word alone entirely, because they are all about political correctness. That and racism. They also don't want to catch an ass whooping and have their wife push out a beige surprise nine months later. Some are still held up on their "heritage" though. They are the assholes that claim that it's racist that black people can say it but white people can't which it is but not without reason. That reason being is that African-Americans in this country were well trained in the art of racism by white guys with whips for only about 400 years; not to mention with fire bombings, hangings, cops using a fire house and German shepherd as less than lethal force, and the occasional dragging of an 11 year old black kid behind a car till his head popped off because a couple white guys got pissed that he flirted with a white girl. There is your answer as to why you can't say it by the way. So unless you are Quentin Tarantino or Louis C.K. then shut the fuck up. They earned the right to say it, you haven't. I'm just a psychopath that doesn't give a shit.
"Or you could just be like this bitch and hope that everything you say in the kitchen stays in the kitchen."

In closing:
This is just the beginning of further research and exploration into the study of Shut The Fuck Uptology. There is a long, long list of people that need to shut the fuck up and actually take in information before opening their mouths. It should require a license or something but meritocracy is a change that is slowly coming so patience is a virtue. So in other words be patient, shut the fuck up, and you might actually start learning some shit instead of just talking shit. If in doubt, then shut the fuck up.


Thursday, March 20, 2014

Fat Fucks and Oreos...

First they had "double stuffed" Oreos and now they have "MEGA" stuffed Oreos. How fucking stuffed do you need to be? Has anyone seen how many fat fucks there are in Wal-Mart and Golden Corral? Do these walking blobs that graze the aisles of American consumerism and impotence need any more cream to be stuffed with? Obviously they are going to eat it so can we just go ahead, bring eugenics back? This way we can stuff these fat never-gonna-fucks into a Consumerist Camp so we can have some evil beady eyed government doctors just shooting loads of bacon-chocolate-mountain dew-pigs foot-frappucino-infused Crisco into their bloated-Jerry-Springer-caliber-pie-holes and figure out how long it takes for a human being to burst from consuming? We could use the results it for going to Mars. I'm sure Michael Moore would volunteer.

"There might be aliens suffering under economic inequality and substandard healthcare."
A story came out a few days ago on reddit about NASA claiming that civilization could collapse in the next few decades. For conspiracy theory nuts this will probably fuel their paranoia and actually hope that these idiots die from the press of the button by some shadowy figure. I mean honestly a the Zapruder film does, in my opinion, give enough evidence that there was a second guy that made JFK's head explode like a melon loaded with bottle rockets but this conspiracy theory shit has now turned into something that I have hash tagged #WhitePeopleShit. It was cute for awhile but now has just devolved into hysteria. I mean our government has done some awful shit along with every other government has existed but when you can't even decided whether the WTC was brought down with nano-thermite or a miniature atomic bomb then any talk about it loses credibility.
I'm at the point now where not only do I think that for the most part the United States government does have some moral authority on world affairs just based on the fact it's illegal to punch a bitch in the face and rape her mom because they burned your toast which is much more than I can say for other countries; looking your way Saudi Arabia. I also think that most conspiracy theorists sorely misunderstand what the United States government is as well as Vladimir Putin. That's because most forget what has been the most powerful weapon the United States has ever had; advertising. Our country advertises our country better than any other country advertises theirs. That's why everywhere in the world people know of America but people in America only know of other countries when the show up on CNN. It's why the world sport is soccer and yet America doesn't give a shit. Face it world, we have the better food, we have the better athletes, the better movies, and obviously the better porn. Oh yeah and we have BeyoncĂ©. America 1-World 0. Go back to kicking the ball world, we'll pick it up and slam it on your head with our tongues stuck out like Michael Jordan.
"You do Judo? That's cute."
Now that we have that out of the way we can go ahead and actually talk about how to take our next step as a nation after, of course, we kill all these fat, dumb fucks that are allowing rich white people to use dumb fat people stuck in a J. Edgar Hoover/Malcom X mentality. It's just bigotry on both sides. #WhitePeopleShit clashing with #BlackPeopleShit and if anyone watches professional sports then white people should realize that they just need to throw in the towel now and concede defeat while keeping whatever dignity they have left. Besides there are enough fat fucks on both sides of the racist trash spectrum that I think the enlightened of us realize that there needs to be a "Fat Fuck Final Solution". Shit we can make it the final season of The Biggest Loser so that Jillain Michaels can go back to what she does best afterwards; push ups and licking carpet.
"It's Paleo-Friendly."
Once that is out of the way we can finally get down to the business of actually getting this country to taking it's next logical step in dominating the rest of the planet. The people of the world love America but only bitch about us when we are dropping bombs on their punk asses till they smell what Uncle Sam is cooking. This means we need a voting public that knows how to fuck shit-----properly. This also means that our voting system is going to need a massive overhaul i.e. it's going to need people with some serious game. That would entail that the only guys that should be allowed to vote are the ones that have been able to at least fuck 20 girls by the age of 30 and for women they would have to show the ability to be able to make a guy bust a nut in under 10 minutes, on average, which would mean we would need guys to volunteer for "fucking tests" in order to ascertain their ability in understanding how a civilized society of homo sapiens should operate. This would obviously not count to the guys total but we could give them a tax write off or something for their service to our exceptional nation.

We could also use this to legalize prostitution so that women would always have a job that is in demand because as we all know what guys need more of in order to act responsibly without going on murder sprees is easy access to consenting, disease-free women on birth control. That's how we fix our country. Women get an industry all their own, since as we all know, it is what is really going to shut them up along with putting a woman in the White House as Commander in Queen. This way women can run the world and guys will shut the fuck up except for the ones that women find to be worth fucking and admitting too. They could be our Platos.
Now what about the gays, lesbians, and trannies? They would get to vote merely on showing that they can commit acts that are synonymous with their orientations. All a guy would have to do is suck a cock and he could vote; so forth for the rest of the whole alternative lifestyle genre. Let's face it 'Murica; that's the only way they will shut the fuck up too. Anyway that's my opinion on how to bring about some change. Maybe Obama will agree with me, I know Putin won't since he is probably too busy raping dead grizzly bears for a comic book. He can have fun with that while we actually worry about making our world sustainable for future generations to learn about the atrocities of Miley Cyrus in history class.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Medical Conditions.....

As many that know me know one of the ways that I sustain my income for my antics in the world of debauchery is by working security in bars. For those that get off on baby sitting drunken, sexually frustrated adults you probably refer to it as bouncing. On the other hand I'm too cynical to get a rise out of it due to the 8+ years I have been in the industry of drunken transmissions of bodily fluids and choking out frat boys along with the occasional sailor, frat boy, or wanksta; not too mention my various other life traumas that have grinded out my jaded world view on top my various other traumas. I've learned that using a well timed pearl of logic and reason can defuse a situation much faster than a rear-naked choke on top of being more legally sound especially in a state where Thomas Ravenel can get notoriety for having a coke habit and Mark Sanford can get elected to Congress for cheating on a wife that looks like a zombie from The Walking Dead.

Logic doesn't always work out though since it's effectiveness depends on the listeners' ego and blood alcohol content. The other night I was doing security at this club downtown when I was alerted by one of the other bouncers that someone was vomiting in the men's bathroom stall. He (the bouncer) offered to help and I went in to take a look; sure enough there was that all too familiar odor of low alcohol tolerance and exaggerated expectations when I opened the door. I could go on and on about what followed but just imagine throwing out Zach Galifinakis practicing Ghandi's method of non-violent resistance while grabbing onto every door frame like a crackhead; whilst with a shirt sporting new vomit. He actually cried because he wasn't getting his way; this would be your usual power bottom in a Fedral Prison and like it after awhile.

During all this he kept claiming that he had a "medical condition" that made him vomit even though the bartenders had apparently cut him off. THAT I learned later on from one of the bartenders later on that night. So apparently not being able to handle your liquor and yacking up a break up dinner into the porcelain representation of white people's understanding of Africa is basically is a medical condition. Something supposedly out of his control that is on a chronic level that can't be corrected; a cancer that targets any chance of someone taking responsibility for their actions. That seems to be the ebb and flow now a days of our consumerist and increasingly apathetic society. We don't care about our actions; just dissecting logic in order to not be held responsible for them. Charleston royalty use this logic to defend their wealth that was generated from their involvement in the slave trade or how murderers use it to wiggle out of answering for using midgets as fuel for cooking smores because the their was an imaginary voice in their head that said the Keebler elves wanted them too. It's one thing being a sick fuck but another thing to not take responsibility for the fact that you day dreams about luring Hipsters into a rophynol-fueled blood orgy with a sign that says, "Free iPhone 6".

Shit I should go rob a bank and when the cops have me cornered I could creep out with my hands up while exclaiming, "I'M SORRY OFFICERS BUT I HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION! IT MAKES ME ADDICTED TO HOLDING CASHIERS AT GUNPOINT WHILE WEARING A SKI MASK! I CAN GET A DOCTOR'S NOTE!"  Shit every irresponsible psychopath could use this line of logic as a defense if this defense actually had any semblance of sound logic grounded in reality; our current understanding of it anyway. Here's some more examples of how this logic can be used:

"Sorry about the jews; I have a medical condition that makes me an anti-Semite skilled in public speaking."-Adolf Hitler

"My medical condition predisposes me to loading U-Haul trucks with nitrogen-fertilizer based explosives and detonating them with pay phones."-Timothy McVeigh

"I have a medical condition that makes me tank the economy and put peoples' families out on the street."-Every Stock Broker on Wall Street ever.

"I'm sorry for raping all those kids but I have a medical condition that makes naked boys give me erections."-Jerry Sandusky  

Speaking of child rape the Catholic Church could use this line of logic to absolve themselves of their "sins" and by sins I mean a long history of priests using their "anointments" to crucify the assholes of little boys since crucifixion and penetration go hand in hand. Just imagine, if you will, that Pope Francis were to have one of his sermons that, as of late, have been about how the Catholic Church has sucked at life and were to televise it worldwide. He could have every single priest that has used their alter boys as power bottoms, the one's still alive (priest or underage power bottom), line up behind him at a podium like they just got out of an ass chewing from a congressional hearing.

"Hey guys, Pope Francis here. Got Jesus muthafuckas? Anyways, we have gotten to the bottom of all this child rape shit and have figured out the cause. These unfortunate individuals have a medical condition that drives them to shoot their loads into little boys' assholes. We have a doctor on this and will figure out a cure shortly."
Now what could be a cure for pedophilia if we are too take up the logic that pedophilia is in fact a medical condition? That there are just guys out that get off on fucking little kids like they are some 50 cent hooker in a Kentucky brothel and it requires a remedy of sorts. What would help them get their release without turning little girls into porn stars and guys into future news stories for CNN? AHA!!! I got it:
"And for all you Obama voting molesters we will soon have a Lil Bow Wow blow up doll as well."
That's right, child celebrity blow up dolls. I mean if I were a child rapist I would probably spend my days stroking my baby batter out the fantasy of raping Justin Bieber on one of the rides at Disney World. Maybe I could make a porno out of it; "Butt Pirates of the Caribbean" perhaps?
The Flesh Light industry would be all over it if they had government sanctioning on it. They could make a line of Flesh Lights that are molded after the assholes of all of members of One Direction. Maybe that is the One Direction of One Direction; saving the world one rapist at a time. This medical condition shit might explain some other instances of stupid human behaviors such as:

"I have a medical condition that makes me hide my other medical condition while transmitting my medical condition; sexually."

"Well I have a medical condition that makes me punch bitches in the face for giving me their medical condition; sexually."


If you really wanted to go out on a limb you could excuse the entire US Government of any wrongdoing they have ever done and just chalk it up to "medical conditions"; not to mention every other government that has ever existed. On the home front it can simply be summed up as:

"Sorry for all of the shit 'Murica but we have a medical condition that predisposes us to not giving a shit. Enjoy the entertainment on CNN and Fox News. Now if you'll excuse us we need to go get our blow and hookers to treat our other medical conditions; Cheers :D."
I'll leave it on that note. Who knows? Maybe I can go start a murder for hire business and chalk it up to a medical condition called, "I hate the entire human race and have bills to pay". Don't worry Neil De Grasse Tyson; you're cool.
"Thanks Ginger."