Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Ginger vs. Marines

Occurred-June 2008

I love my country and I have much respect for our armed forces, except for 90% of the Air Force (anyone that reads the story about TattooedCougar will know why). Most of the men and women in my life that have served or still serve the armed forces have been pretty laid back, down to earth people. However like any group of people, there turn out to be a good amount of douches, not as bad as Citadel cadets, but still there are some who have no business being in a bar and doing such acts as imbibing alcohol or sleeping with humans of the opposite sex which could potentially lead to the spawning of more retards that jerk off to R. Lee Ermey and George S. Patton (even though both were legit badasses).

A group of such “wastes of a fertilized egg” came into SushiBar and it was immediately evident that these guys were  fresh out of boot camp.  The first clue to this was when they showed their I.D. they insisted on showing their military ID even though their driver’s liscenses would have been much easier to show. The second clue:

MarineDouche1: “We are Marines dog.” (yes he was white)

MarineDouche2: “YEA WE ARE SERVING OUR FUCKING COUNTRY MAN.” (yes, he was that excited to inform of that)

You know that feeling you get when you see a car wreck about to happen? Well, said car wreck made their way to the bar (all 6 of them with PsychoBitch in tow) and started ordering drinks like they had just gotten back from Fallujah. Honestly I was starting to get a little worried. I’m 6 feet tall and at the time was walking around 190lbs. The smallest person amongst this group of nubile jar heads was approximately 6’2 and around 220. The second biggest guy I had working with me was about 5’8 and 200lbs (and it wasn’t exactly muscle) and the only other qualified guy I had working with me was about 5’6 and 160lbs with a bit of a wrestling background and and had been training jiu-jitsu with me for approximately 3 months.

Needless we were a little bit outsized (not mention outnumbered). And then it happened, the biggest cornbread built jackass out of this retard-jarhead pack decided to take a swing at one of the bartenders, very similar in fashion to how trailer park hoes try to swing on their baby daddy when they find out said baby daddy has another baby mama (I guess someone wasn’t exactly paying attention in the Marine Corps Martial Arts class) . This was enough for me to come up behind him and give him a live demonstration on how the execute a rear naked choke from the standing position to which his “buddies” didn’t exactly improve of. They started trying to surround me so I walked backwards, while still having ShrekJarhead in fully sunk in rear naked choke, towards the bar. I did this for two reasons:

1.  Tactically speaking this was the smartest move, because it allowed me to keep any of these Hickwater bootcamp grads from jumping me from behind and kicking my ass.

2.  It  gives everyone in the bar a front row seat to me choking out (now passed out at this point) ShrekJarhead in front of all his pissed off buddies and how awesome it looks.

As I was restricting blood flow to ShrekJarhead’s brain by cutting off his carotoid arteries, ShrekJarhead’s still conscious friends voiced their opinion:

AryanJarhead: (he was the second biggest one with blonde hair and blue eyes) “LET HIM GO MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!”

MarineDouche1: “YEA LET HIM GO DOG!!!!”

MarineDouche2: “YEA WE ARE GONNA FUCK YOU UP!!!!!!”


Frank: (with still unconscious ShrekJarhead) “Y’all really want me to let go?”
AryanJarhead: “YEA MOTHERFUCKER!!!!”

Frank: “As you wish.”

I let go of ShrekJarhead and the back of his head bounced off the bottom of the bar with a sickening thud. Everyone in the bar did a double take, like how most people do upon seeing the chainsaw scene in Scarface for the first time. You could have heard a pin drop after this happened and then Aryanblonde decided that he wanted to get froggy and grow some big boy panties:

AryanJarhead: “ FUCK THAT!!!!”

AryanJarhead threw a “hillbilly haymaker” at me which I swiftly ducked, came up behind  him, sunk said rear naked choke in, and had him in lala land faster than Lindsay Lohan at an open bar. It happened so fast that he didn’t even close his eyes before he passed out. I didn’t think it was possible to fall asleep like that, until I saw it in person with my own eyes. It was fucking ape shit crazy. I thought I’d see mermaids fucking before I’d see that, much less me being the awesome ginger ninja doing it. It was Bruce Lee-esque. And then I turn around and see someone upstage me, that I had 6 inches and 30 pounds on. The little guy I had working with me hopped on the back of what was left of the “Big Jarhead 3” but him to sleep with ninja like efficiency. Yea my jaw hit the floor too. And then three cops came running in, I knew one of them that happened to be looking right at me. There were still 3 jarheads left:

Frank: (looking at confused cops and pointing at confused  jarheads) “THOSE 3 RIGHT THERE!!!!”
The cops proceeded to arrest all of the Jarhead’s starting with the 3 conscious ones while I grabbed PsychoBitch that was trying kick HippyTeddyBear in the balls. She was classy. They dragged all of the Jarheag posse outside and had them handcuffed outside. As I walked back inside the bar one of the regulars took one look at me:

HinduRegular: “You’re crazy dude.”

Frank: “I know”

The jarheads were eventually released as I wouldn’t press charges and they learned their lesson. Don’t fuck with ginger’s that have small friends.


  1. This is soooo full of shit I can't even start to tell you where!!! And your writing would make a 4th grader look like Hemingway. No wonder the only job you can find is bouncing at shit holes in Charleston!! You're a moron! Keep it up, lying asshole. Btw, where are all the posts from your"supporters"? What utter bullshit! You DO suffer from delusional grandeur.

  2. But He Does bouncing. And Hes very good...

  3. Yep...I am a very good babysitter of drunken adults