Anti-Gay National Guard Joke

Anti-Gay activists are requesting California activate the National Guard to prevent same-sex marriages. Apparently it never occured to them that members of the California National Guard have same-sex honeymoons planned.

Superheroes Are People Too: The Marvel Universe Part 2. The Feminine Side.

I have to be honest to you. If you are reading this and have kept up with it since I started then you have probably noticed that my past writings have been quite testosterone fueled. They have been outright misogynist in reality.I used every single possible loophole of logic and reason to justify those opinions but they were nothing more than rationalization. I objectified women and it wasn't right. I may have had a decent understanding of the feminine side of the human psyche but I understood enough of it to suit my own needs; those of my sex addiction. I looked at women as drug dealers basically; that was their label in my mind and I treated them with a "Keep your friends with benefits close, keep your enemies close so you can still have sex with them" mentality. That's not to say I hated women, I just used them for sexual reasons. Just like how a heroine addict keeps around friends that give them money under false pretenses.

I have developed a more reasonable outlook on life, one that is more feminine friendly and people friendly in general, which has opened me up more artistically. In order to be a good artist you have to be open to all information that comes your way whether you agree with it or not. You can't jump to conclusions based on dogmas and prejudices; that was the mistake I was making and one that I am working to correct. I guess you can say that I am a reformed womanizer who has gone from the prison, "Look at dem titties!!" to the freedom of, "She must have back problems". Much of this is thanks to my girlfriend Dani; she's my fuzzy wuzzy booby bear love zombie. She's probably blushing right now if she's reading this. Here she is:

"Of course you would take a picture of me when it looks like I'm about to fall out of your Scion."

Isn't she pretty? Not only is she smart, beautiful, and a sweet heart but she satiates my tattoo and breast fetishes. She satisfies some other ones on here but I won't say since she cooks and does my laundry. Let's just say she knows how to help me develop a filter and I love her for it. It's helped me in my personal life as well as my writing and comedic endeavors; 5 minutes at a time.

Anyway what does all of this mushiness have to do with the Marvel Universe. Well the thing about the Marvel Universe is that it's story lines have always been a good analogue for humanity at large. X-Men was a analogue for the civil rights movement. Captain America has been an analogue for freedom versus tyranny. Iron Man is one for corporate versus humanitarian ethics when it comes to the military industrial complex. The Hulk is an analogue for people that have anger issues. Spiderman represents sexually frustrated virgins and Thor represents frat boys living in the real world. So far I have covered how the male characters relate to real world issues but I have yet to cover the character that cover one of, if not the biggest, issue facing our world; how women are treated and viewed by society. 

Women's suffrage strikes to the core of every hurdle facing us, humans, as a species. Civil rights, economic inequality, bigotry, corruption, transparency, terrorism, and even climate change all revolve around it; it is called Mother Nature after all. This another area where Marvel Comics has made huge strides in how women are viewed in society. The beauty of the super hero medium is that female characters can be as powerful and more powerful than their male counterparts. Magneto was scared shitless of Jean Grey/Dark Pheonix in X3: The Last Stand. The DC Universe has Wonder Woman but Marvel has characters that would make her shed tears on Oprah. That's if they didn't choke the her with the Lasso of Truth first.

First on the list:

Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff

"Is it asking too much to have a lazy day where I can watch Netflix and drink Merlot?"

Her deal: I have a dark past that has led to me becoming a femme-fatale badass that turns ass kicking into a ballet; oh yeah, I was a ballerina. I'm originally from Russia but have an American accent. When I'm not busy being the Liam Neeson of the Marvel Universe, with my extraordinary set of KGB trained and imported to America skills, I ponder whether I set the DVR to record last night's episode of Conan O'Brien.

Say hello to the Dominatrix of the Marvel world. If Wolverine is the alpha-male of the Marvel Universe then say hello to his female equivalent that would introduce him to the world of BDSM by pinning him down by the neck. Natasha is that woman the every guy in the bar wants but few have the courage to talk to and with good reason. She'll make the biggest misogynist beg for mercy by cutting them down with her words. She's picky in the company she keeps; especially when it comes to the bedroom. She's also highly manipulative but that's all part of her allure. She'll make you angry just for the sake of making the sex more intense. How do I know all of this? Long story short I used to date the real-life version of The Black Widow except her alter-ego was The Dragon. She has appeared in a few of my previous writings by the alias of VampireChick (read the Anderson Silva of Vaginas story). She looked exactly like Scarlett Johannson if she were mixed race. The only difference, besides one being fiction and the other being a real person that is the basis for a character in one of my own works of fiction (Sentience), is that she did "chores" for a  Mexican drug cartel and Natasha did missions for S.H.I.E.L.D. I know that is a bold statement so here's a pic of VampireChick; feel free to compare.

 Obviously the pic has the top of her head cut off so you guys and gal, or whichever gender you want to be, are going to have to take my word that she looks mixed Scarlett Johannson; I promise she isn't a woman with down syndrome and a hot body. Just imagine her doing round house kicks while rolling her eyes to Tony Stark one-liners in latex; latex so tight that it chafes to the point that she gets scared it's herpes. VampireChick wasn't just similar to Romanoff in looks but also in personality. She was an alpha-female in every sense of the word. Now I know the fact that I use and am still not fooling around with her must be a question on your mind and that reason is the same as why Romanoff can't have a steady relationship with any character in the Marvel Universe; you can't have two leaders in an intimate relationship because there are only two people in such relationships that aren't in the state of Utah. 

Dating an alpha-female is fine if your greatest thrill if you fantasize about being pegged with a strap-on; that's a relationship with a dominatrix that will last. If you are an alpha male yourself, and don't know how to compromise, then things will not work. You'll have some of the best sex of your life for 2 months but sex isn't everything and that doesn't become obvious until the best sex of your life becomes routine. There is an unkind truth when it comes to sex with anyone; it can't just be about sex if sex is going to last. If there isn't stable chemistry outside the bedroom, or away from the apartment complex parking lot, then it's just going to end and probably end ugly. This especially true when you are dating someone that can kill someone with her bare hands in her own right. That's not to see we ever had a fist fight but when you have two people that can dominate a situation it leads to neither side being willing to back down; it's basically the Cold War with sweat soaked bed sheets.

It's a double edge sword since alpha-females shatter every preconceived notion and stereotype about women. In a way they are the beacon of everything a woman can be; strong, intelligent, resourceful, beautiful, graceful, understanding, creative, insightful, diplomatic, etc. The perfect assassin, writer, artist, politican, and lover. On the other flip side they have to deal with the idiocy that is the male gender. That's one constant I have found about humanity; the smartest man is still not as smart as the dumbest woman. For dumb people there is no pain in dealing with dumb people just like how strippers feel at home around crystal meth. For smart people it's down right excruciating to be around dumb people, especially in large crowds, and that's coming from a male perspective. From a female perspective it can be downright frightening since not only are people being irritating but you have to deal with many of them not wanting to take no for an answer while hitting you with double standards. As much progress as society has made it is still slanted against women; especially in regions of the world such as the Middle East, Asia, Russia, and Louisiana. This leads to them having to be comfortable with the possibility of never finding that one and only for them because that person may not exist for them. It's why guys with a high IQ are more likely to get married while its the inverse for women of high intellect. Those women realize being single may be hard but it's more tolerable than being in a toxic relationship. It's also why Janay Rice stayed with Ray Rice; that and money.

It's a tragic yet inspiring. Romanoff may never find someone to bring her peace yet she doesn't need someone to do so. She doesn't need someone to find happiness. It would be helpful but not a requirement; just look at Mother Theresa. While Martin Luther King Jr. had to engage in extra marital affairs to keep his head straight; Mother Theresa didn't even have the need for a vibrator. She got off on protecting the greater good. Protecting the weak was her pleasure just like it was Black Widow's or VampireChick's. That's why VampireChick arrested for assaulting a guy that was beating up an ex-bf. She sensed injustice and did what needed to be done to protect those that couldn't protect themselves. That's the essence of being a hero and that's what the character of Natasha Romanoff epitomizes; protect the world with a sense of grace and dignity. Well that and latex.

2. Storm/Ororo Monroe

"You know what's funny? Tornadoes and the house where that bitch you've been triflin' with lives."

Her deal: I control the weather. You just deal with the weather. JIM CANTORE!!...AIN'T GOT SHIT!!!...ON ME!!!!

So here's an interesting thought. Ever say something stupid that you don't realize is stupid until it's too late and you get run over by a tsunami of, "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!"? What if instead of angry insults you just got run over by an actual tsunami? Say hello to Storm; the scariest thing that could come out of Africa besides Ebola. She's a former mutant African queen that could turn any city into Joplin, Kansas when her carpet get's stained. Her psionic abilities allow her to manipulate the weather to her will on Earth and to an even greater extent beyond it. Nature is her pet basically and Mother Nature isn't exactly domesticated. This makes her one of the most powerful superheroes ever conceived. I mean she can make it rain; like literally make it rain. Like water falling from clouds. 

Storm is all about commitment; take that advice to heart. She is not the type that you want to hit it and quit it with unless you feel like catching a lightning bolt on your forehead. Don't get me wrong; 70% of the time she's is caring, compassionate, intellectual that could lead a lecture on civil rights but all it takes is one asshole to bring that Super Typhoon of a 30% out of her. Treat how you would like to be treated; on dry land with a 20% chance of late afternoon showers. She may appear weak but, just like the fallacy of the misogynist stereotype of women, underestimating her abilities or resolve would be a grave mistake that could decimate entire cities. An angry ex posting an insult laden thesis about your inability to get it up wouldn't even compare.

3. Jean Grey/Phoenix

"Your library books are late and not in that good porno way."

Her deal: "I am both telepathic and telekinectic. This means that not only can I shove a dildo up your ass with my mind but I could also make you believe that you are Jared Leto in the Dallas Buyer's Club. That's my docile side; my true power is becoming a being that destroys stars and planets whenever I call on my BFF; the Phoenix Force. When Phoenix and me are hanging out I can discombobulate anything down to the molecular level. Do you want to talk about childhood?

If a pissed off Storm is Ebola scrary then consider an angry Jean Grey as Ebola going airborne; there is no where to hide from her wrath if she wants you 86'd. That's not only because of how she can be when she's angry but also in how easily she can be pissed off. It's not that you have to do something that is morally corrupt to piss her off; you just have to say something that she takes the wrong way. You see like a lot of people with destructive personalities Jean Grey is the trusting type. Just think of Henry's Hill's wife in Goodfellas; one second she is making you a dinner that is worthy of Instagram and the next she is pointing a gun in your face. Jean isn't threatening to twerk your brain matter on memory though; she's dissolving your entire body into oblivion. She can kill your without leaving a trace since when she's in Dark Phoenix mode she can obliterate anything down to microscopic scales.

Needless to say she is the last woman you would want to hook up with as she is incapable of having a long lasting relationship that doesn't end in homicide; just ask Cyclops. The first time you forget to put the poofy from the shower on the designated rack she'll murder you with it; well maybe the second time if she's in a good mood. She's a superhero that doesn't know her own strength. I'm actually quite conflicted about her as a character since she epitomizes every negative stereotype a misogynist could formulate against women's rights; a woman that can destroy everything when she is experiencing PMS in theory. 

On the flip side she is also the type of woman the can get the respect of all misogynists; a woman that can destroy everything when she is experiencing PMS in theory. I highly doubt Todd Akin would want to debate that if the Dark Phoenix existed then Jean Grey would have the mechanisms to shut it down; Missouri would take a bigger beating they ever did before joining the SEC. If you see her then run and hope she doesn't take it the wrong way. She may not since Dark Phoenix is only part of her persona; the part that can destroy the universe like it's a lap top containing a porno of Cyclops getting it on with Professor Xavier.

4. Kitty Pride

"Lets send you back to when you sent me that drunk text from last night."

Her deal: My name is Kitty and I'm intangible. I can pass through objects, levitate, send your consciousness into the past, and make wormholes which is great when you are running late to work. You will also never win an argument with me due to the whole, "I'm really good with loopholes", thing. If you date me then be prepared for a life of constant secular reasoning and neurotic insecurity.

Now that Kitty is of legal consenting age we can talk about her in the relationship sense; and how boring it would be sexually since her life is basically one non-stop existential dilemma. Her physical state itself is in a constantly in flux since she technically doesn't touch anything in the physical sense; most of the time she's trying to get in touch with herself. This doesn't leave too much time for intimacy; sex once a week would be frisky for her. However the conversations would never be boring. She's basically a 60 year old in an 21 year old body. That's because she's smart and confused. Most would say that doesn't make sense because most people aren't smart; any smart person is in a perpetual state of confusion; that's what we call living and breathing.

Part of the reason why she would be less exciting than C-Span is due to the fact that she would have a never ending list of hold ups due to you. Every perceived transgression, on her part, would add to the hesitation and make her dryer than California at the moment. Furthermore she would complain about how she can't find that perfect one and not realize there is no such thing as "the perfect one". If you get her phone number the minimum it will take to get in the sheets with her would be 4 months minimum if it ever happened; she's basically the Taylor Swift of the Marvel Universe. She's a sweet girl but being sweet isn't going to make a relationship work; having momentary lapses of dignity at least 3 times a week will. 

Then again she's not 30 and that's a silver lining. As held up she is now that sexual frustration will eventually erupt. She'll make a lousy girlfriend in her 20's but if you are smart you can swoop in like Sir Mix-A-Lot during that 30th trip around the sun and have it all taken out on that proverbial smaller primitive head that all men have. 

Also not to mention the fact that she could get you out of any pinch due to the whole wormhole and sending your mind back in time to make you rethink bad decisions thing. She makes a good friend that would eventually become a fun friend with benefits.

Well that's it for the feminine side of the Marvel Universe. Support women's rights; you never know when a lady someone might get the power to flatten your house with a microburst.

A Role Model for Suicide...

I'm pretty indifferent when it comes to suicide. I don't condone it but I understand; especially when the Holiday season rolls around. Maybe a fantasy league based on the blood sport that is Black Friday could keep me optimistic from Thanksgiving till the New Year. I'd love to win a few months rent on a lynch squad of Protestant soccer moms committing manslaughter over an XBox One. That would make a great headline on the Huffington Post.

What annoys me are the sappy suicide notes that seem to be plagiarized from the mind of Trent Reznor. If you are going to off yourself then at least leave behind a plausible explanation instead of a saying for an Emo Halmark card to be sold at Spencer's. Hunter S. Thompson kept it straight to the point; he was not an individual that wasted time on sugar coating. His suicide note read:

"No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun - for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax - This won't hurt."

In other words he killed himself because his life was no longer enjoyable and it was ruining the enjoyment of others. He did it for unselfish reasons; being a team player.

Now those weren't exactly his last words as he shot himself 4 days later in his fortified Colorado home. He probably sent his closest friends another note saying:

"If you are reading this, plot spoiler, I'm dead. My body is currently decomposing at that lovely home of mine in Colorado. You know that one where I explained in the intricacies of drunk driving in the snow while we took hits mescaline? Yeah, that one. You might want to go there before the wolves pick up on the odor. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Your friend,
Hunter

P.S. Tell Johnny Depp to shoot my ashes from a cannon."

He went out thinking of everyones feelings. Now that's a role model.

"And I didn't die in Bat Country."

Super Heroes Are People Too. Part 1: The Marvel Universe.....

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Siblings..

I'm amazed at siblings that actually like hanging out together in public. Like i have no idea how they like it. Like I really do love my brother; I really do. Like I would take a bullet for my brother; I would die for my brother. That's what you are supposed to do for your sibling; if you love him.

But hanging out with him takes an effort; Like I actually have to motivate myself and get the courage to go hang out with my brother in a public place.

Yet there are siblings that are happier than anything to be in there sibling's presence when they don't have to be.

I really want to know their secret; like I would pay $10 to know.

Our Dicks as Dogs...

Guys treat their dicks like their dogs. Ever notice that? When they are young and all it knows is to pee on things we pet it and go, "Oh, what are you? I like you."

Once we get old enough to realize its designed for more than just peeing we have to keep it on a leash because it's always trying to jump into things and getting us into trouble. We do this despite all the abuse we do to it while it sits in our lap.

Then as we get older and learn how to find cat owners we want to play with we actually have to get it to stand up. Like we actually have to talk to it, "GET UP OFF THE COUCH!!! We're going for a walk; we have some trouble you can jump into."

Then as we get really old we realize it's days are numbered and we have to watch it go to sleep forever and we cry :(.

Yet you don't see Sarah McClachlan doing a song about my dick....

Actin' A Fool..

I love Rap music, LOOOVVVEEE Rap music. I have the N.W.A. iHeart station blasting while I cruise in my 00' Denali right now; with tinted windows. Yea I keep it G; I keep it Ginger. I have a habit of thuggin without a soul.

I was just doing some crusin delivering some pizzats (that's thug for pizza) and I was listening to one of my all-time joints (that's hip hop for song) by 50 Cent and tha Game called "How We Do (Fresh '83)." You may have heard it back in a club if you were in clubs in 2005.

The song starts with this little diddy:

"This...is..how..we..do,
We make a move and act a fool up in the club."

Now I like doing some thuggin'...SOME THUGGIN but my thuggin stops at "Actin' a Fool" for one simple reason; "Actin a Fool" is a good way to get shot by a fool.

Look at what's happening in Ferguson, Missouri and the state of Florida never mind anything that happened in Compton, California in the 90's.

I mean kids, teenagers, are getting shot to death by cops and bigots that are also, "Acting a Fool" over cigars, Snapple, and Skittles. I'm not saying all cops act a fool just like not all thugs act a fool; bigots are just in a perpetual state of being a fool since its not an act.

I'm just saying the 'actin a fool needs to stop'. Maybe instead of "Actin' A Fool" we should start "Readin' A Book"

Neil De Grasse Tyson grew up in the same neighborhood as Mike Tyson. Don't get mad. I'm just keepin' it real.

The Terrorists Have Won: My Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Review

Imagine my childhood as the Twin Towers of The World Trade Center on the day of September 11, 2001. Those towers represent many fond memories and many of those floors represent those of watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in cartoon form along with the movies along with playing the videogames.

The atmosphere around those towers is like a nice September day in New York City. You can hear the sounds of birds chirping merged with engines back firing and colorful language from fits of road rage. In those towers are memories of Michaelangelo saying cowabunga as Raphael, Leonardo, and Donatello kick Foot Clan ass while working their way to the Shredder. There were videogames based on this story and it made my child hood special despite the huge weight gain and lack of kissing girls.

All of a sudden a plot is hatched where a group of Hollywood terrorists hijack some Megan Fox Boeing 767s at the whim of a terrorist called Michael Bay or Michael Bay Laden if you will. Those planes are hijacked without much resistance, since people like getting pissed as long as it feels nice now a days, and start to make a bee line for those Twin Towers; my child hood memories.

There's some ominous premonitions prior to the movie's release; most notably Megan Fox playing the role of April O'Neil. The fact that her pretty face, flat chest, non-existent trunk was chosen to play the role of the curvy, auburn haired news reporter was forgiveable. Yeah her acting ability makes Keanu Reeves look like Anthony Hopkins but there is still hope. There have been plenty of great movies that had lousy actors. Cuba Gooding Jr. actually won an Oscar so miracles can happen. This movie was not that miracle unless you consider a terrorist miraculous. Yes, I consider this movie a terrorist attack.

Megan Fox was Flight 11 crashing into the North Tower of my childhood. By itself it could have just been an act of the naive or ill-informed on the subject of not crashing planes into skyscrapers; or the concept of selecting an actress that looks like April O'Neil to play April O'Neil. Not a big deal and certainly nothing tragic. I mean it's the Ninja Turtles just like the World Trade Center was the World Trade Center and my child hood memories were my child hood memories. I mean it's not possible that they could actually be under attack right? That would be utterly impossible. Nobody would do that would they? That's what I thought walking into the movie theater and watching the trailers along with my girlfriend, Dani, whom also grew up on Ninja Turtles since we are both in our 30's which means we grew up in the 90's and the 90's were awesome. The only creepy realization I had about 90's was the Carl Winslow was a lousy father who let Steve Urkel stalk his daughter, Laura, in his own house; and he was a cop.

After the trailers the movie started. Just imagine this as the image of Flight 175 coming on-screen. It still doesn't even register as odd at first. The movie starts and there's an April O'Neil that does the news. So far so good; April O'Neil was a news a reported in the original story. That is faithful to the 90's movies, cartoons, videogames, and comics. I never read the comics but understanding 3 out the 4 source materials should be enough to have an understanding of the ninjas on a half shell. I know Michael Bay Laden had to have done some research. Then the foot clan shows up and that's when things start to get a little askew just like when we realized whomever was flying that Boeing 767 wasn't planning on missing the South Tower.

The foot clan looked nothing like the foot clan. Ok, Ok it's 2014 and militarization is a reality. Maybe Michael Bay's Foot Clan got some training with Black Water and has a black market connection for purchasing assault rifles to keep current with the times. Marvel movies does this with its while still staying true to the source material. This couldn't turn into what I think it was about to turn into; could it? I was wrong, I was so wrong and yes it had to with the Flight 11 that was Megan Fox because the Flight 175 also happened to be Megan Fox; more specifically a revelation about the character that Michael Bay was trying convince me was April O'Neil.

The highly, traumatizing impact of what began the destruction of my child hood memory started when Megan Fox meets Splinter after some pseudo-jihadist kidnapping by these Superhero Ninja Turtles that Michael Bay was trying to convince me were in fact my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from my 90's raised childhood. That's when the back story of the Superhero Ninja Turtles, not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but Superhero Ninja Turtles came in. I think you might be starting to realize what I'm getting at, especially those of you that grew up in the 90's and were watching CNN during September 11. That plane was going to hit and those Twin Towers were under attack just like how our child hoods were about to be under attack the moment that there was a back story between April O'Neil and Splinter as well the Superhero Ninja Turtles. Let me explain something guys. There is no going back for this movie as well as us as adults that grew up in the 90's after that since, if you followed the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, THERE IS NO PRIOR CONNECTION BETWEEN APRIL, SPLINTER, AND THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY MET IN THE ORIGINAL STORY!!! I'm sorry for all the caps because it makes me sound like a raving lunatic but I'm acting the exact the same way when Flight 175 hit and everyone that grew up in the 90's, and prior to that went, "OH MY GOD ANOTHER PLANE CRASHED INTO THAT BUILDING!!!! AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK!!" 

In other words Michael Bay----------Who from this day forward will be known as Michael Bay Laden-----directed not one but two Megan Fox Boeing 767 Airliners into The North and South Towers of my childhood so thus from, the transitive property which is the basis of logic, one can only deduce that MY CHILDHOOD WAS UNDER ATTACK!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm not even going to go into detail about the rest of the movie. Just imagine the rest of the movie as the rest of my fond childhood memories. I'm talking about Super Mario, Sonic the Hedgehog, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Michael Jordan, Power Rangers, Ren and Stimpy, The Simpsons, Rugrats, Kris Kross (If you remember them you're definitely from the 90's), Doug, and Lamar Burton from Reading Rainbow all jumping from the flames to their doom to escape the aftermath of Michael Bay Laden before the towers completely collapsed into a pile of smoldering rubble, gore, and screams.

Thanks to this movie I no longer have a child hood. I'd like to paint some ray of hope somewhere but I would just be lying and I don't want to lie to you people; especially you guys in your 30's because there is a depressing reality that this tragedy of a movie has shown us. Our childhoods are officially over and our adult lives will never be the same again.

Never forget :(

P.S. Barack Obama, please issue an Executive Order to have Michael Bay Laden brought to justice for Crimes Against our Childhoods. I beg of you.

My Apologies: The Pit Bull Story

I need to apologize to the owner of a pit bull. I was really drunk one night and was walking to my car to give some people a ride; I would also like to apologize to those people too; you know who you are. I walk by this fenced in yard and I was a little buzzed and by a little I was probably three times past the legal limit. With that said I also want to apologize to the Charleston Police Department.

On the other side of the fence was this pitbull barking it's head off at me like I was Michael Vick, Now sober me would have just kept walking because you know? Pitbulls can kick your ass if you disrespect their territory. They are not mean animals. They are just protective and at the time it thought I was threat. He was just being a doggy bouncer. Sober me would have known me.

However sober me had gone wee-wee-wee all the way to oblivion at the moment. Instead there was this asshole around called Drunk Me. Drunk Me is a very mean guy.who calls fat girls on their muffin tops and insults frat boys on their Polo shirts. He's an asshole. He makes grown men and women cry without putting a hand on them. He could be head of the IRS or Cuntcast; I don't call it Comcast I call it Cuntcast.

Drunk Me was walking by that gate, heard the dog, had whiskey and PBR coursing through his veins, thought that the pit bull was disrespecting his authority granted to him by his existence and turned to the gate with a bit of advice, "SHUT UP YOU FUCKING DOG!!!!" which Drunk Me followed by kicking the gate which the pit bull was standing behind.

Now here is the other thing about Drunk Me; he doesn't know his own strength. Drunk Me thought that kick to the gate was going to be a light kick that would establish dominance over the Pit Bull and let him know that there was a MMA fighter that wasn't afraid of Pit Bulls on the other side. However, that kick sent that gate flying open and apparently scared the ever loving piss out of that Pit Bull. I guess I should apologize to that pit bull now. I actually like pit bulls and all other animals. I may eat some of them, not Pit Bulls because I'm not Korean but I love them regardless.

The pit bull did shut up since I guess he realized that there was someone very mean and drunk on the other side but then the porch light for the house came on.

Now this is where Sober Me would have faced the consequences like a responsible adult but like I said Sober Me had been beaten back by a combination of alcohols that only Clint Eastwood could withstand. Drunk Me was there and Drunk Me looked at the now terrified individuals who had no idea what to think. Drunk Me decided this was the time get his Ray Lewis on and looked to them and said, 'Let's get the fuck outta here."

We drove off at a speed that was reasonably higher than the speed limit and everyone got home safe.

Long story short there may come a time in the future where a guy will get a note on his door step that says:

Hey,

You don't know me and I'm too scared to tell you who I am but here's $1,000. Sorry about the gate.

Sorry about Drunk Me,
Sober Me

P.S. Tell your dog, "woof woof", which I think is, "Sorry, my bad" in dog talk. I hope he is doing well and back to his gate barking ways.

The Porn I Like

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Four Hoaxes and Maybe a Funeral

Dani: "Robin Williams died."

Me: "Is it a hoax"

Dani: "No, he is really dead."

Thanks to the internet I have to ask if every person's death is a hoax. I can't wait till my friends and family start dying so I can start asking if their death is a hoax.

I can't wai till my mom tells me my grandmother is dead.

Mom: (sobbing tears) "Frankie, Grammy passed away."

Me: "Is it a hoax?"

Mom: "No, how could you even ask me that? I'm crying."

Me: "I don't know. I thought you might be trying to sell a hoax and are a good actor."

Thanks Internet. I can't even be sure if old people are dead now.

It's going to really suck when I show up to an ex-girlfriend's funeral and I have to finger her corpse to make sure it's really her. I doubt a hoaxer would be able to forge a dead ex-girlfriend's pussy.

Death

I don't deal with death like a normal person. The only deaths I have cried over were my dad's, a Cocker Spaniel I used to have named Sonny, a friend from the first grade named Joe Shoeford (Yea, I was Joe's Buddy), and Kate Waring whom was the victim of a homicide. That's 4 people compared however many people I have known that aren't around anymore.

I realized I didn't handle death like a normal person when I witnessed an autopsy when I was 18 for my thesis on "Mycobacteriophages and DNA Vaccines for Tuberculosis". Yeah, the same guy that passed up on a free ride to Duke because he'd rather punch and choke guys in spandex; no-boner.

I witnessed everything first hand. The scalpel delicately carving the Y-incinsion in the chest and abdomen. The exposing of the rib cage by pulling the skin off like its a wrapper for cold cuts. Get it? Cold cuts because a dead body is cold and cut open?

I watched as the pathologist/coroner used saw that could cut through bone, but not skin, to cut open the deceased's rib cage. I began to have an odd curiosity as every organ was removed and weighed like meat at a butcher shop. I held my nose at the behest of the coroner as the gall bladder was removed since the smell was two steps beyond anything that could be produced by a port-a-potty 4 days into Bonaroo.

I watched as an incision was made from ear lobe to ear lobe along the rear base of the man's skull before the skin was pulled up and scrunched the front the guy's face making it look like that of a shar pei sucking on a lemon. The the skull was opened up with the saw to expose the guys brain so it could also be removed and weighed. I remember having to keep from laughing as they left the guy like that to go to lunch. To me it was a dead guy with a face like a stack of flap jacks at the moment. I had no emotions but I was hungry for some Subway.

This baffled my mom as I explained it to her. I guess she was expecting me to come crying to her so she could reassure me with some promise of Heaven or whatever fairy tale she used to escape pragmatism. Instead she just got an explanation of what happened in detail like you just got. Hungry?

The truly odd thing about me is that blood and guts doesn't bother me but spoiled food will make me vomit like a runway model minus shoving a finger down my throat whilst my head hovers above a toilet seat with cocaine residue.

I won't say that I became apathetic towards death that day but I would be lying if I had said that it was a traumatic experience. It was more calming than anything else. I realized that our perspectives towards mortality were highly skewed. I hadn't formed a concrete opinion on it but I knew most people had it dead wrong; all pun intended. As the years went on I started to experience more and more tragedy as friends and family began dying off. As I am writing this I am dealing with the passing of another family member. As odd as it might sound I m actually relieved that he passed away since he was suffering from issues that began to take hold of him after my dad passed away. He was an artist like I aspire to be, him with piano while I try to with a keyboard and a microphone, and like many an artist he was suffering the end result when you lose other intellectuals to bounce ideas off of from your social circle. In this case the beginning of the end was the passing of my dad. It was a very harsh blow to myself and my family; but I noticed it was especially hard for him. The spark that made him who he was lost. The particles of intellectual curiosity that he was entangled to were no longer around to communicate. For an intellectual this is worse than death.

That's because the ultimate drug for an intellectual is a stimulating conversation. For him it was over a chess board with my dad during holiday gatherings. For most guys it's sex but a smart guy eventually realizes sex is just a drug that gets skewed from the idolization of a society that continues to look upon it with a reverence of ego and ignorance. That's why I get laid; to me sex is just a drug that keeps me stable and is relatively healthy compared to our other "important" activities that ironically revolve around sexual selection. If natural selection governs the evolution of life then sexual selection governs the evolution of modern society. My uncle knew this along with my dad as I have I come to learn it. The best high an intellectual can have is a eureka moment from conversing with those that think outside the box. Go long enough without that then you just wish to go off in peace with your dignity intact. That's why I choose to struggle with money by writing and doing comedy instead of just tossing my free will to the side and joining the rat race we call capitalism. Don't get me wrong, capitalism allows me that luxury but it takes pawns for such a luxury to exist.

 The biggest disservice I could do to our society or myself is to live by its dogmas. That's why I'm going to achieve fame or die trying; probably in a hotel bedroom with my corpse surrounded by used condoms and the crescendo of screams of a mixed race coed whom just discovered that erections happen from rigor mortis.

I can make such a statement nonchalantly because I won't know it when it happens because I'll be dead. Just like most people that have ever existed are as well as 99% of life that ever walked this Earth has. They died, they are gone, for most of them they were cannon fodder to be emulsified to fuel the train that is life and unlike most trains life is a Transformer that wipes the floor with anything of its presence and choosing anytime it wishes. That's because life has the inevitable trump card of death and what many fail to realize is that they are just drugs built upon drugs. That's what death is; it's a drug. It's the altering of an experience only there is no coming down from it once given too big a dose. Life is a drug too. It's all drugs. One drug allows the experience of evolved primates that complain about Justin Beiber, Ebola, the economy, and the line at Starbucks while the other offers silence or a dream. Just like any drug, death gets a lot of bad press via the idolization of society but once you try it it's probably not that bad.

Worst comes to worse well----actually that's not even the worst. It's just an altered experience. What's really the worst is wasting an experience on the fear of an unknown experience. If you want to get over the concept of death then stop worrying about it since death is a very good drug dealer. It'll give you your dose when you're ready and you won't even have to worry about it because you'll be dead. Now go out there and make your life something worth dying for. That's the way you beat death, by making your juice not worth it's squeeze until it relinquishes itself to operating on your terms. That's how winning is done.  

Dear United Jerkoffs of 'Merica

I'm getting sick of you 'Mericans that don't agree with someone's opinion and says, "Well, if you don't like it you can leave!"

How about no? Shit head. This is the United States of America, not the United Jerkoffs of 'Merica, and this country was founded on free speech and standing up for your opinion;  not running away over a disagreement.

If you don't like someone's opinion then too bad. That's what freedom of speech is about. I have the right to express my opinion. You have the right to agree or disagree with it. If it bothers you that bad then you can walk away or stay while yammering on like a pot-bellied inbred. You can argue your fictional socialist hippie. I can argue science, logic, and democracy.

You also have the freedom to fuck your cousin. I wont ask you to leave the country if you do because that's your choice. I may not agree with it but I do agree with your right to do it.

Murder: An American Solution to a Human Problem

USA!!!!!

 Humans are, in nature, filthy animals that have the luxury of soap and Starbucks to justify whatever sense of dignity they have left. They’re disgusting yet they get grossed out by cooties. They’re crafty little fuckers and stubborn as a Kentucky midget trying to bone a mule. They are also spreading like a contagion across the planet. It’s happening at an accelerating rate and it’s a major threat to their survival. If you do the math humans are basically whiskey to Earth. Sooner or later the bitch is going to have to kick the habit of allowing them to live if some moderation isn’t brought back into the picture. We need a cure and ironically the cure could also be what has given rise to the disease; Murder.

 Humans are immensely skilled at killing. It’s an innate part of our survival instincts. It’s how we still exist and how our numbers have grown over generations. Humans have every other organism on this planet beat when it comes to killing. It kills so well that it has gotten to a point where it only kills under certain criteria even though it is very subjective depending on the beliefs per human. Beliefs are the rules of engagement for the killing machine known as homo sapien. In some ways humanity can be seen as an extinction level event within itself. It kills so much that it may actually indirectly kill itself in a fashion akin to Clyde from Law Abiding Citizen in a suicidal fashion; Extinction Level Event Assisted Suicide if you will. Of course that assist will come from Hydrogen Sulfide produced by our oceans since they will become too warm to sustain bacteria that produce oxygen which we kind of need for our lives of cappuccinos and mass shootings at movie theatres as well bacon wrapped fried chicken infused hot fudge chocolate covered sundaes.

 At the rate that we are poisoning the ocean , which in reality IS mother nature, in this or the next few generations we are going to face possible extinction if we haven’t found another floating rock to lay our Wal-Marts down on. Such an extinction that I mentioned above has already happened at least 5 times in our planet’s past.

It’s bound to happen again and we are making it happen way faster than any of us would like. Kind of the same way that we like to chain smoke cigarettes in a nonchalant manner and then start speaking in pseudo-philosophical tones to tug on people’s heart strings the second we develop a tumor. We are great at killing but afraid of dying; it’s quite the paradox. What’s really funny is that fear of death is what is driving us to kill ourselves. My solution is to do what has always helped cure our ails in the past; to start killing each other. I think not only should we start killing each other but I also think it should be made legal and merged into the very Rule of Law itself. It worked for Feudal Japan and I think it can work for the rest of humanity as well. You just need a sect of humanity that is really good at murdering people; perhaps a pseudo-democracy that is the world’s police whom has enough drones and nuclear bombs to turn our planet into the ultimate Call of Duty multiplayer map?

 That’s right I think Americans should be the ones to save humanity from certain destruction in the only way it knows how; killing shit loads of people.  For most of our country’s existence we have been in the closet about the murderous psychopathy of our nation’s collective consciousness but in this age of transparency I think it’s time we came out of the closet about it. If coming out can help same-sex marriage then it could certainly help with the progress of human on human population control. Here are some of my ideas to institute this process and the first one should be quite obvious and by that I mean genocide.

Genocide:
Humanity needs another major genocide. I mean one more mass killing of those we deem as sub-human sanctioned by a world power and I think it should be the US Government taking up the torch on it. We know they are good at it. We just need to murder the right people this time and by that I mean conservative, dumb, white Anglo-Saxon protestant twats that ruin everything for everyone else because they can't let go of their fossil fuel addiction. In other words, anyone that takes Fox News seriously.

 Another group that needs to go is all these whiny, hipster, liberal queef stains that feels every single transgression requires a bra burning and an Occupy protest followed by a trip to Starbucks and then the Steve Jobs cathedral known as the Apple Store. Let’s definitely murder those fuckers too. IED’s in the iPads perhaps? iBombs have a nice ring doesn’t it? These jerkoffs are just as flawed as the twats on the Rupert Murdoch payroll and should die like their conservative brethren as well.

 Next up is all these racist ass black people trying to be the coffee response to the Tea Party. These wanna-be Malcolm X jerk offs that feel giving a tip would be an affront to their civil rights. If you can't afford to tip a delivery driver then order some fucking carry out. Also stop inspecting your wings to see if they are fried. I get it, you people like grease and yes, I do mean you people specifically. You fuckers need to die via being run over by a herd 64' Impalas that are jumping on hydros like they have stage 3 Parkinson’s.

 Another group of people that should die from Ricin laced Guinness should be Irish people. I'm not even going to dignify them with a reason.

 We don’t need to kill all of them. Just about 95% of them. Since we need some around that can be rescued from the Wal-Mart concentration camps that can tell about the horrors of the Twatocaust at low, low prices.

 In the end the only people that should be left to live are porn stars, intellectuals, house cleaners, midgets, beige people, American born Gingers from New Jersey, and women that have sex with American Born Gingers from New Jersey.

Come on Obama. Issue the order. I'll start rounding them up  :D.

Now I know genocide might not be the most politically correct method of murdering people and honestly political correctness has proven to be very effective when needing a moral leg to stand on while killing people so maybe we should be more creative with mas population control. Maybe we need to bring murder into a realm that tends to make any American want to bust a few caps in somebody. It’s one of our favorite past times; professional athletics.

Professional Sports:

I think we should up the ante in professional sports. If a city's team wins a Championship then the residents of that city should be allowed to kill anyone else from a city that has a team in that league. Can you imagine what it would do for the airline industry? Just imagine the conversations with TSA agents:

SpursFan: “Is there a problem?”

TSAAgent: “Well you seem to be carrying a loaded Glock .40, a few combat knives, and about 5 pounds of Semtex with you. Do you have any credentials for this?”

SpursFan: “Oh yeah, sorry. Here’s my Spurs Championship hat showing evidence of our recent NBA Finals.”

TSAAgent: “Hmmm…well that looks to be in order. Are you traveling to Miami for business or pleasure?”

SpursFan: (sporting a smirk while looking at his Glock on the table) “Both :)”

Shit, you don’t even have to restrict it to residents of cities that have championship teams. Maybe just on a week-to-week, fan-on-fan basis; it would give a new meaning to the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox rivalry. As we all know when it comes to murder new York and Boston are very exceptional in that. Could you imagine what would happen during a double header? Yankees fans gunning down Red Sox fans for a few hours and then Red Sox fans returning the favor; they would amount a higher body count than the 9/11 hijackers and the Tsarnaev brothers combined, in a day.

Now imagine that strung over an entire season. Could you imagine what would happen to the fans of teams whose teams were having developing years? They would develop much faster; I can guarantee you that shit. Besides, teams are all about getting the fans involved. Nothing a few hollow points and a laser pointer can’t fix. I know for sure plenty of Oakland fans would love cross into San Francisco with their gats stocked and loaded.

 Shit, we can take murder fandom and apply it worldwide to soccer. Could you imagine the fan fair for the World Cup?  Shit Germany just won it. What if that win meant Germans could legally go around the world systematically murdering people for 4 years. Shit they only had a portion of Europe to do it in during World War II and managed to kill 15 million people before the Allies came in. When it comes to murdering people in a systematic fashion Germany is one of the only countries to give us a run for our money besides Russia, Japan, and China. Well maybe Mongolia as well when Ghenghis Khan was around.

Could imagine the fan fare around a game between Germany and Israel? Holy shit they would be running wind sprints like a motherfucker for it. The Germans would just for the sheer fact that the Israelis would be looking for payback for that whole 1933 to 1945 thing, Just imagine Israel winning the World Cup and marching into Germany to start putting protestant Krauts into gas chambers. Shit they wouldn’t even have to call them showers since they wouldn’t have to hide it. I think four years would be enough time to get Jews and Aryans back on a 1:1 ratio in terms of population. After that they could just go and nuke fuck out of Iran or if Iran won it they could go into Isreal and kill the fuck out of them.

 Sports and Murder should go hand in hand but then that might not even be enough. What we really need to do is integrate murder into the very fabric of the American political landscape itself. That’s right, murder for democracy or murder as democracy itself. Having a hard time following me on this one? Allow me to explain:

Murder as the new Democratic process:

I think murder should be the new democracy. When you turn 18 you should be given a gun and you can kill anyone that is also of legal voting age and each bullet would count as a vote and each person you kill counts as a dollar. So if you want some starbucks you have to kill 5 people. It would give new meaning to vote or die which means P.Diddles would be all over this shit. No polling booths. no electoral college. The only votes that would matter would be bullets and exit wounds.

Now they wouldn’t be given a big gun off the bat. Something small like a .22 Revolver or a cross-bow if they are one of those types that jerk off to Daryl from The Walking Dead. The rules for this society would work much like the rules of Grand Theft Auto minus most of the cop trouble since the only requirement would be for them to do or say something that YOU deem stupid and a threat to the American way of life. Fox News and CNN would never be short of breaking news ever again. Also you wouldn’t respawn if you got murdered since life isn’t that kind of game even though it may be if you go by simulation theory. Maybe you get respawned at a hospital in another dimension. All I know is here in our dimension you get murdered and its done. You’re voting rights are revoked permanently and it’s a dollar in your killer’s bank account. There would also be added incentives involved to get the laziest of Americans out there doing their duties as a tax payer. You would level up in a sense. Here would be the break down:

Level 1: 100 Kills

Reward: an UZI and a 5% discount on ammo at Wal-Mart

Yes, instead of Ammu-nation you would just go to Wal-Mart. Don’t worry, the person working behind the gun counter would just as much a right-nut job as the dude at the videogame gun counter. If you wanted to you could kill the guy and take all the ammo from behind the desk but bear in mind everyone else in Wal-Mart would have a gun as well so you might want to think twice; especially if you haven’t purchased the UZI and the ammo for it yet.

Level 2: 500 kills

Reward: an M16 assault rifle and body armor

I first thought about making the reward and AK47 but this is ‘Merica and thus we should mow down other Americans in a ‘Merican fashion. If you have gotten to this level you have probably figured out that Cuntcast, I call it Cuntcast instead of Comcast, is a great place to visit when you want to kill a lot of people but need some motivation. Try spending a week getting an issue with your broadband modem sorted out and you’ll have all the encouragement that you need.

Level 3: 1000 kills

Reward: A rocket launcher

You’ll never be bored at a baseball game ever again. Just bear in mind you can’t blow up the players because that would throw controversy into the whole winning team’s city killing people from other city thing. Frag responsibly. You don’t want your city to have an asterisk because that would qualify it for a nuclear bombing.

Level 4: 10,000 kills

Reward: An Abrahams Tank
Once you have reached this level the normal laws of of this new American society will no longer apply to you because you have a tank. You will be the lion of the urban jungle and allowed to kill with impunity because you have a tank. You will not have to answer to most anyone and will be part of the upper 1%. A have instead of a have not if you will since you have a tank. Just remember their might be other tanks around so diplomacy would still be a wise option at times.

Level 5: 50,000 kills

Reward: A drone with laser guided hell fire and tomahawk missiles.
Congratulations! You have reached the Jay-Z Hova level status of murder and democracy not mention capitalism. For being a good American you now have access the most advanced means of aerial warfare; sitting in a chair in front of a monitor with a joystick. You can commit mass murder for democracy without even leaving your house. Just bear in mind you may not want to tweet or facebook about it because someone with a drone might trace the IP address back your location and lets just say people with drones don’t like competition.

Level 6: 1,000,000 kills

Reward: A stealth drone with nuclear warheads.

Damn dawg! You’ve become the Bill Gates of murder. You’re like Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong, Hitler, Michael Jordan, heart disease, and religion all rolled into one. You are an Alpha and Omega of American Citizenship. For that we give you the greatest weapon of destruction known to man besides cigarettes and McDonalds; a nuclear bomb. Now there are some requirments for this. You can only nuke cities in the US and only ones with an asterisk; every city in Ohio will already have an asterisk because we could all use a little less Ohio.
The only two rules would be that you could only kill stupid people and you couldn’t kill kids because they would need time to study the killing habits of adults.

 That’s basically my idea for saving our species in a nut shell. However in the meantime there are people that I think should be killed regardless just for existing. The list is as follows:

-Guys that own more than 10 Polo shirts
-Guys that own Land Rovers
-People that say, “Trust Me”
-anyone that sags their pants
-women that suck at blow jobs over the age of 25
-people that drink Mountain Dew
-anyone that owns a Smart Car
-people that use Religious Reasons
-Sarah McClachlan
-anyone that was ever in the Mickey Mouse Club
-anyone that appears on the Disney Channel besides kids
 -guys in the military that feel they are owed something for joining the military
-Michael Vick
-people that ask and give promises to people that they like
-woman that say, “You don’t a condom because I’m on birth control.”
-woman that demand you to wear a condom even if they are on birth control
-guys that spread herpes after falling for the whole, “You don’t need a condom I’m on birth control bit
-anyone that roots for the Dallas Cowboys that isn’t from Dallas
-anyone that roots for the Oakland Raiders that hasn’t killed 5 people
-Gun Rights lobbyists
-Gun Control lobbyists
-religious people
-atheist people
-agnostic people that aren’t Neil DeGrasse Tyson
-anyone that gets angry over porn
-women that spit and don’t swallow
-guys that spit and don’t swallow
-people that watch Game of Thrones
-people that watch the Bravo Network
-people that work at the Bravo Network

That’s about what I got for now. I’ll be sure to add more to the list :D.

Stuff You See on the Road...

Here's something thing that drives me nuts. People that say, "No matter how I feel about someone if they were broken down on the side of the road I'd help them". Oh really? How long have you been working at AAA for? Do you own a tow truck? Are a rogue vigilante that drives around the mean streets looking for a case of a flat tire or a dead car battery? Do you have a side kick in a tower in a tow yard that alerts you to the next instance of a Honda stuck in a ditch?

I drive down the road everyday and see people broken down on the road around 3-5 times a week. You know what I do? I bet it's the same thing most of you people do. Especially at 4AM since you don't want to explain why you are trying to be a contributing member to society with alcohol on your breath since you couldn't turn down those last 5 oyster shooters from that mixed race chick with the big tits and fuck me eyes.

I KEEP THE FUCK ON DRIVING!!!!

You know why?

I DON'T KNOW THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

For all I know that could be next craigslist killer that is looking for some practice before starting up a GMail account. You know? A little pre-maiming?

That's why I stopped working for AAA. I wasn't getting paid enough to risk getting murdered.

Another thing that grates my mind like its being raped with a salted pineapple. What the fuck is with people buying dogs? I don't get it. I see stray dogs on the road all the fucking time. FREE DOGS. On the road all the time. Yet people go to pounds and farms and other pet boutiques to spend money on a dog.

That would be like me being a in a bar filled with chicks. HOT CHICKS. All of them are walking around with recent STD results in hand and shirts saying, "FREE PUSSY" while also yelling, "FREE PUSSY!!" like it's peanuts at a baseball game. 

"FREE PUSSY HERE. GOT SOME FREE PUSSY HERE. SHAVED PUSSY, BLACK PUSSY, LATIN PUSSY, MIXED RACE PUSSY FOR ALL YOUR PROGRESSIVE PEOPLE. 

ALL THE FREE, HOT, DISEASE FREE, NO STRINGS ATTACHED PUSSY that you'd want.

For the ladies just imagine this bar is also filled with nude Channing Tatum clones with raging 12 inch erections while giving you those seductive bad boy eyes. He's ready to drill your pussy like he wants to put a ring on it.

You are in this awesome place. You pull out your wallet. Count your money and say to yourself, "Ehh..I'd rather go buy some pussy (or cock) at the whore house."

If you want a dog go get one off the street.