Saturday, September 6, 2014

Super Heroes Are People Too. Part 1: The Marvel Universe.....

I've never read a comic book; true story. With that said I am a huge fan of comic book characters even though I have a sex life. They played a major role in how I developed an anti-hero complex and led me to seeing life in terms of grey instead of black and white. I like stories about good and evil but when it comes to real life good and evil are vaguely subjective terms. That's because monsters aren't just born but molded by their environment. It's why some psychopaths give humanity gifts such as Quantum Mechanics, The Theory of Relativity, and porn while others give us such horrors as the attacks of 9/11, genocide, and movies directed by Michael Bay; the latter being especially horrifying. Think I'm kidding? Go see the recently released Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by Mr. Bay Laden; tell me the Terrorists aren't ahead on the scoreboard.

This is why we like comics; they give us something to aspire too. They make us look with in ourselves to find hope instead of looking to others. The only draw back of comic book films is that you only get to see the characters during their heroic moments. It's not like you hear stories about Bruce Wayne getting drunk with and sleeping with Playboy models to keep up his rich boy charade. You never hear the Silver Surfer riding the wake of supernovas when he isn't busy putting up with Galactus and hus planet munching. That's what interests me as a fan of comc book movies and fiction in general; who they are as actual people when they aren't saving the world. I mean where are the stories of Tony Stark having to go to the doctor to get a prescription for penicillin because of those two chicks he met in Peru?

I mention Tony Stark because that is the character that got me hooked on super heroes because Tony Stark came off as someone that I could meet in real life; a person. That's what I like about the Marvel Universe; the characters come off as people but ones that have extraordinary abilities; they still touch on our empathy and thus believable. Some are characters that would be cool to kick it with and others you wouldn't want near anything that you don't have insured by Acts of God. Others could help with your sex life and others you would would be a worse cock block than Herpes; if they were real people.

What if they were real people? Let's take a look and see which characters you would want in your crew and which ones you'd only want around when it's a matter of survival in the face of an alien invasion:

The Incredible Hulk. In my opinion he's the worst in the Marvel saga. What's his power?

"Have you seen my baseball?"

Bruce: "I turn big and green, and break things like a 5 year old but I'm a genius."

I know this is going to sound like blasphemy but there is an inconvenient truth about Bruce Banner; you couldn't have any fun with the guy. It's not like you could find him passed out at a party and draw a penis on his forehead. Especially if it was a party at your house. Could you imagine what would happen if you found Bruce Banner passed out with a ball sack on his face drawn in black ink? Especially when, not if, he saw it in the mirror. Forget about your house being destroyed. The end result would require a response from FEMA and Anderson Cooper. He would wreck more shit than Hurricane Katrina all because someone wanted to pull a prank with a Sharpie and that's a minor slight when put into perspective; especially when being a Comcast customer.

What if he worked at a call center for Comcast? There wouldn't be a Comcast after the 5th call about bogus equipment fees. Everyone and there mom would be making Bruce angry. He wouldn't fix the issue, he would just make a bigger issue and people would only have Direct TV; that's if Direct TV didn't piss him off and he Hulked out by using his throwing arm to knock satellites out of the sky with a Volvo.

The only time you'd want Bruce around was if the damage he would cause would be worth it. He's the epitome of a lesser than two evils situation. Would you just want a city destroyed or the human species enslaved? That would be the only time you'd want the Hulk around your presence.

Now for the best character; Iron Man. What's his power?

"To the liquor store Jarvis."

"I'm a genius that created a device that makes clean energy to save my life, a suit out of crude materials to escape capture, and now I can make a suit to defeat anyone including the Hulk. Plus I'm a billionaire that has fucked every woman worth fucking in existence. "

Ironman is the man that every other man is jealous of. He drives fast cars, sleeps with fast woman, can whoop your ass in chess, prove college professors wrong, has the U.S. Military in his hand, is head of a multi-billion dollar corporation, and could defeat an entire nation's military by himself. On paper he actually has all of the makings of a villain with his level of genius but that is where his superpower lies; in his brain. That's what Tony Stark's super power is; he's a genius but he is a genius with a pro-social sense of empathy. He cares about protecting the greater good even though he realizes the greater good is blurred in shades of grey. In other words he would have no problems sleeping with your wife or my wife if I had a wife. Shoot if Tony Stark was a real person he could sleep with my girlfriend just so I could refer to him on a first name basis.

It doesn't matter what power anyone else in the Marvel universe, or any comic universe, has. Tony Stark would beat them all; even Superman in the DC universe. He would just make an Ironman suit out of kryptonite and turn Superman into swiss cheese with an arm mounted machine gun that fires kryptonite bullets. Take that son of Krypton.

Captain America is the best Wingman:

"This chivalry stuff is bullshit."

Steve Rogers is the guy that every man that gets laid 3 times wants to be. He is the ultimate team player and leader; the Peyton Manning of the Marvel Universe. However, saving the universe isn't the same as winning a Superbowl. It's not like you can lose twice to an alien invasion led by Loki; in the saving the world game it's one and done. This also means having a supporting cast less talented than you isn't going to cut it. In terms of super powers Captain America is actually one of the least impressive; he's basically an Uncle Sam on steroids that can do gymnastics.

His true ability is in boosting morale; especially with group as dysfunctional as the Avengers. He has to manage a group of super sized egos that would be more comfortable striking off on their own than working as a team; especially Tony Stark.
Steve: (taking a drunken porn star to Tony Stark's penthouse) "Are you sure you want to go to
Tony's? You know he just wants you for sex right?""

PornStar: "No, he's really sweet. He says the nicest things."

Steve: "No, he just says the right things because he understands the female psyche? Talking to you is like Googling Porn for him."

PornStar: "Nuh uh. You don't know him."

Steve: "Umm...we have been fighting against Ultron and Thanos for the last 30 years. I DO know him. This isn't the first time he has asked me to help an Avenger out."

Wolverine is my favorite character; his power?

"Taco Bell and 8-minute abs, Bub."

Logan: "I'm invincible, I drink beer and whiskey, fuck chicks, and kill shit."
When it comes to bad ass forget any character that Clint Eastwood or Charles Bronson ever played. I'd be sure to not start a fight with Hugh Jackman based on how he plays Weapon X alone; and I used to get paid to fight people in a cage. Wolverine epitomizes every man's ego after downing an entire bottle of Jack Daniel's in one sitting. He's next to impossible to kill. He drinks like a Kennedy on a Saturday night; every night. He can have any woman he wants by just being in their presence and he can kick anyone's ass besides Magneto and Charles Xavier. The guy is basically a walking Terminator with samurai swords shooting out of his hands; yet he has a soul. Not bad for a Canadian. Not only can he sleep with just about any women he wants but he also has no need for a condom due to his regenerative capabilities. He'd sneeze off a case of HIV; never mind Ebola.

The only drawback with Wolverine is that he would always be making you look like less of a man next to him. I'm a tough guy but if I get shot with a gun it's trip to the hospital no matter where it lands. Logan doesn't even have to walk it off; he's healed up before you even have time to realize he got shot and shit your pants. While I would be trying to hide the tears Logan would just carve them up and go back to drinking his Budweiser. Logan would get all the women and you would be heading home to contemplate your existence over internet porn and Tinder.

Spider-Man is the lamest Superhero:

"With great power comes great responsibility and no sex life."

Peter: "I go to college. I don't get laid and I shoot jizz called Spider Webs from my hands. I am also in love with a woman that uses me as a crying shoulder."

I truly feel bad for Peter Parker as a character. Not for all of the loss he has endured, I've experienced plenty of tragedy myself; my dad dying in front of me, a friend being murdered, dating a Protestant, etc. You get over it after a few relapses with alcoholism and going through friends with benefits like a rolodex which is not something my feminine side exactly condones but I also have this 7.5 inch erect side that gets heart broken as well. You find a way to manage but Peter Parker is just stuck wallowing in misery with nothing to show for it. He doesn't even get laid. All the drama he goes through he hasn't even gotten passed second base with any women; even the ones that he is close to intimately. Even after they find out he is Spider-Man. Do you have any idea of how screwed up that is coming from a male perspective? Especially one that has been as promiscuous as mine?

Not only is this chracter tragic but one who's tragedy is exacerbated by how lame the rest of his existence is. I mean Spider-Man has never had a blow job. Let that sink in. Bruce Banner has had sex. Tony Stark has had more sex than is legal in many countries. Wolverine is basically the best male porn star in a fictional setting. Even Captain America gets laid. What does Peter Parker get? Semen-like "Spider Webs" that shoot out of his hands. I mean really Stan Lee? Really? Were you just trying to make a hero for sexually frustrated virgins?

To be perfectly honest we don't even know if Peter Parker is straight or not. For all we know he might be waiting for the right male antagonist to come about to bring about that story line. Think of an evil arch villain flamingo that Spidey is webbing in the face in the stickiest of all facials. At least if Spider-Man had some yet to be discovered homosexuality it would give credibility to this tortured character since it would be comic analogue for the life of Alan Turing; he did make some huge insights into the field of genetics after all. Most just know him for his contributions to computers.

At least let Peter Parker get an orgams for once in his life Stan Lee; leave it in your will or something.

Now for the one Marvel Character that I'd love to punch in the face:

"I'm a big boy now."

Thor is the most repugnant character of any comic medium; what's his power: "MY DADDY, MY DADDY, MY DADDY, MY DADDY GAVE ME A HAMMER."

Thor is the ultimate frat boy and that is not a compliment; he is the epitome of those "My Daddy is a Lawyer" types that you'd want to break a beer bottle over after learning about the slave trade or the Holocaust. He's basically the Aryan dream and a mascot for Christian Conservatives and the Jihadist Islamophobe Network/Fox News. His hammer basically represents Bill O'Reilly in the fact that it smashes everything in it's path without making any sense; all in the interest of White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Asguardian values. In other words Thor represents The White People. Not white people; The White People, i.e. Crackers. He basically shows up, causes a bunch of property damage like the Hulk, and then leaves it for everyone else to clean up, gives some manufactured words of encouragement that can be found on a Halmark card, and then leaves. Yeah, fuck Thor and everyone single elf from Lord of the Rings that looks like him. Just give us the hammer so you can go back to your intergalactic golf club.

I honestly find it offensive that he's a good guy and Loki gets the black sheep treatment; Loki basically portray's the extremist protestant zionist conspiracy version of Israel to the Marvel audience. This makes me highly question Stan Lee's intentions with his work but hey it's entertaining and that matters.

As you can see every character, even super powered, are anologues for real people. They are flawed and quite honestly some of them suck at life but are great at protecting the greater good. Well that's it for Part 1 on the Marvel universe.

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