Sunday, August 17, 2014

My Apologies: The Pit Bull Story

I need to apologize to the owner of a pit bull. I was really drunk one night and was walking to my car to give some people a ride; I would also like to apologize to those people too; you know who you are. I walk by this fenced in yard and I was a little buzzed and by a little I was probably three times past the legal limit. With that said I also want to apologize to the Charleston Police Department.

On the other side of the fence was this pitbull barking it's head off at me like I was Michael Vick, Now sober me would have just kept walking because you know? Pitbulls can kick your ass if you disrespect their territory. They are not mean animals. They are just protective and at the time it thought I was threat. He was just being a doggy bouncer. Sober me would have known me.

However sober me had gone wee-wee-wee all the way to oblivion at the moment. Instead there was this asshole around called Drunk Me. Drunk Me is a very mean guy.who calls fat girls on their muffin tops and insults frat boys on their Polo shirts. He's an asshole. He makes grown men and women cry without putting a hand on them. He could be head of the IRS or Cuntcast; I don't call it Comcast I call it Cuntcast.

Drunk Me was walking by that gate, heard the dog, had whiskey and PBR coursing through his veins, thought that the pit bull was disrespecting his authority granted to him by his existence and turned to the gate with a bit of advice, "SHUT UP YOU FUCKING DOG!!!!" which Drunk Me followed by kicking the gate which the pit bull was standing behind.

Now here is the other thing about Drunk Me; he doesn't know his own strength. Drunk Me thought that kick to the gate was going to be a light kick that would establish dominance over the Pit Bull and let him know that there was a MMA fighter that wasn't afraid of Pit Bulls on the other side. However, that kick sent that gate flying open and apparently scared the ever loving piss out of that Pit Bull. I guess I should apologize to that pit bull now. I actually like pit bulls and all other animals. I may eat some of them, not Pit Bulls because I'm not Korean but I love them regardless.

The pit bull did shut up since I guess he realized that there was someone very mean and drunk on the other side but then the porch light for the house came on.

Now this is where Sober Me would have faced the consequences like a responsible adult but like I said Sober Me had been beaten back by a combination of alcohols that only Clint Eastwood could withstand. Drunk Me was there and Drunk Me looked at the now terrified individuals who had no idea what to think. Drunk Me decided this was the time get his Ray Lewis on and looked to them and said, 'Let's get the fuck outta here."

We drove off at a speed that was reasonably higher than the speed limit and everyone got home safe.

Long story short there may come a time in the future where a guy will get a note on his door step that says:


You don't know me and I'm too scared to tell you who I am but here's $1,000. Sorry about the gate.

Sorry about Drunk Me,
Sober Me

P.S. Tell your dog, "woof woof", which I think is, "Sorry, my bad" in dog talk. I hope he is doing well and back to his gate barking ways.

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