Thursday, September 25, 2014

A Role Model for Suicide...

I'm pretty indifferent when it comes to suicide. I don't condone it but I understand; especially when the Holiday season rolls around. Maybe a fantasy league based on the blood sport that is Black Friday could keep me optimistic from Thanksgiving till the New Year. I'd love to win a few months rent on a lynch squad of Protestant soccer moms committing manslaughter over an XBox One. That would make a great headline on the Huffington Post.

What annoys me are the sappy suicide notes that seem to be plagiarized from the mind of Trent Reznor. If you are going to off yourself then at least leave behind a plausible explanation instead of a saying for an Emo Halmark card to be sold at Spencer's. Hunter S. Thompson kept it straight to the point; he was not an individual that wasted time on sugar coating. His suicide note read:

"No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun - for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax - This won't hurt."

In other words he killed himself because his life was no longer enjoyable and it was ruining the enjoyment of others. He did it for unselfish reasons; being a team player.

Now those weren't exactly his last words as he shot himself 4 days later in his fortified Colorado home. He probably sent his closest friends another note saying:

"If you are reading this, plot spoiler, I'm dead. My body is currently decomposing at that lovely home of mine in Colorado. You know that one where I explained in the intricacies of drunk driving in the snow while we took hits mescaline? Yeah, that one. You might want to go there before the wolves pick up on the odor. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Your friend,

P.S. Tell Johnny Depp to shoot my ashes from a cannon."

He went out thinking of everyones feelings. Now that's a role model.

"And I didn't die in Bat Country."

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