Sunday, August 17, 2014

The Terrorists Have Won: My Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Review

Imagine my childhood as the Twin Towers of The World Trade Center on the day of September 11, 2001. Those towers represent many fond memories and many of those floors represent those of watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in cartoon form along with the movies along with playing the videogames.

The atmosphere around those towers is like a nice September day in New York City. You can hear the sounds of birds chirping merged with engines back firing and colorful language from fits of road rage. In those towers are memories of Michaelangelo saying cowabunga as Raphael, Leonardo, and Donatello kick Foot Clan ass while working their way to the Shredder. There were videogames based on this story and it made my child hood special despite the huge weight gain and lack of kissing girls.

All of a sudden a plot is hatched where a group of Hollywood terrorists hijack some Megan Fox Boeing 767s at the whim of a terrorist called Michael Bay or Michael Bay Laden if you will. Those planes are hijacked without much resistance, since people like getting pissed as long as it feels nice now a days, and start to make a bee line for those Twin Towers; my child hood memories.

There's some ominous premonitions prior to the movie's release; most notably Megan Fox playing the role of April O'Neil. The fact that her pretty face, flat chest, non-existent trunk was chosen to play the role of the curvy, auburn haired news reporter was forgiveable. Yeah her acting ability makes Keanu Reeves look like Anthony Hopkins but there is still hope. There have been plenty of great movies that had lousy actors. Cuba Gooding Jr. actually won an Oscar so miracles can happen. This movie was not that miracle unless you consider a terrorist miraculous. Yes, I consider this movie a terrorist attack.

Megan Fox was Flight 11 crashing into the North Tower of my childhood. By itself it could have just been an act of the naive or ill-informed on the subject of not crashing planes into skyscrapers; or the concept of selecting an actress that looks like April O'Neil to play April O'Neil. Not a big deal and certainly nothing tragic. I mean it's the Ninja Turtles just like the World Trade Center was the World Trade Center and my child hood memories were my child hood memories. I mean it's not possible that they could actually be under attack right? That would be utterly impossible. Nobody would do that would they? That's what I thought walking into the movie theater and watching the trailers along with my girlfriend, Dani, whom also grew up on Ninja Turtles since we are both in our 30's which means we grew up in the 90's and the 90's were awesome. The only creepy realization I had about 90's was the Carl Winslow was a lousy father who let Steve Urkel stalk his daughter, Laura, in his own house; and he was a cop.

After the trailers the movie started. Just imagine this as the image of Flight 175 coming on-screen. It still doesn't even register as odd at first. The movie starts and there's an April O'Neil that does the news. So far so good; April O'Neil was a news a reported in the original story. That is faithful to the 90's movies, cartoons, videogames, and comics. I never read the comics but understanding 3 out the 4 source materials should be enough to have an understanding of the ninjas on a half shell. I know Michael Bay Laden had to have done some research. Then the foot clan shows up and that's when things start to get a little askew just like when we realized whomever was flying that Boeing 767 wasn't planning on missing the South Tower.

The foot clan looked nothing like the foot clan. Ok, Ok it's 2014 and militarization is a reality. Maybe Michael Bay's Foot Clan got some training with Black Water and has a black market connection for purchasing assault rifles to keep current with the times. Marvel movies does this with its while still staying true to the source material. This couldn't turn into what I think it was about to turn into; could it? I was wrong, I was so wrong and yes it had to with the Flight 11 that was Megan Fox because the Flight 175 also happened to be Megan Fox; more specifically a revelation about the character that Michael Bay was trying convince me was April O'Neil.

The highly, traumatizing impact of what began the destruction of my child hood memory started when Megan Fox meets Splinter after some pseudo-jihadist kidnapping by these Superhero Ninja Turtles that Michael Bay was trying to convince me were in fact my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from my 90's raised childhood. That's when the back story of the Superhero Ninja Turtles, not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but Superhero Ninja Turtles came in. I think you might be starting to realize what I'm getting at, especially those of you that grew up in the 90's and were watching CNN during September 11. That plane was going to hit and those Twin Towers were under attack just like how our child hoods were about to be under attack the moment that there was a back story between April O'Neil and Splinter as well the Superhero Ninja Turtles. Let me explain something guys. There is no going back for this movie as well as us as adults that grew up in the 90's after that since, if you followed the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, THERE IS NO PRIOR CONNECTION BETWEEN APRIL, SPLINTER, AND THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY MET IN THE ORIGINAL STORY!!! I'm sorry for all the caps because it makes me sound like a raving lunatic but I'm acting the exact the same way when Flight 175 hit and everyone that grew up in the 90's, and prior to that went, "OH MY GOD ANOTHER PLANE CRASHED INTO THAT BUILDING!!!! AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK!!" 

In other words Michael Bay----------Who from this day forward will be known as Michael Bay Laden-----directed not one but two Megan Fox Boeing 767 Airliners into The North and South Towers of my childhood so thus from, the transitive property which is the basis of logic, one can only deduce that MY CHILDHOOD WAS UNDER ATTACK!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm not even going to go into detail about the rest of the movie. Just imagine the rest of the movie as the rest of my fond childhood memories. I'm talking about Super Mario, Sonic the Hedgehog, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Michael Jordan, Power Rangers, Ren and Stimpy, The Simpsons, Rugrats, Kris Kross (If you remember them you're definitely from the 90's), Doug, and Lamar Burton from Reading Rainbow all jumping from the flames to their doom to escape the aftermath of Michael Bay Laden before the towers completely collapsed into a pile of smoldering rubble, gore, and screams.

Thanks to this movie I no longer have a child hood. I'd like to paint some ray of hope somewhere but I would just be lying and I don't want to lie to you people; especially you guys in your 30's because there is a depressing reality that this tragedy of a movie has shown us. Our childhoods are officially over and our adult lives will never be the same again.

Never forget :(

P.S. Barack Obama, please issue an Executive Order to have Michael Bay Laden brought to justice for Crimes Against our Childhoods. I beg of you.

No comments:

Post a Comment