Sunday, March 16, 2014

Medical Conditions.....

As many that know me know one of the ways that I sustain my income for my antics in the world of debauchery is by working security in bars. For those that get off on baby sitting drunken, sexually frustrated adults you probably refer to it as bouncing. On the other hand I'm too cynical to get a rise out of it due to the 8+ years I have been in the industry of drunken transmissions of bodily fluids and choking out frat boys along with the occasional sailor, frat boy, or wanksta; not too mention my various other life traumas that have grinded out my jaded world view on top my various other traumas. I've learned that using a well timed pearl of logic and reason can defuse a situation much faster than a rear-naked choke on top of being more legally sound especially in a state where Thomas Ravenel can get notoriety for having a coke habit and Mark Sanford can get elected to Congress for cheating on a wife that looks like a zombie from The Walking Dead.

Logic doesn't always work out though since it's effectiveness depends on the listeners' ego and blood alcohol content. The other night I was doing security at this club downtown when I was alerted by one of the other bouncers that someone was vomiting in the men's bathroom stall. He (the bouncer) offered to help and I went in to take a look; sure enough there was that all too familiar odor of low alcohol tolerance and exaggerated expectations when I opened the door. I could go on and on about what followed but just imagine throwing out Zach Galifinakis practicing Ghandi's method of non-violent resistance while grabbing onto every door frame like a crackhead; whilst with a shirt sporting new vomit. He actually cried because he wasn't getting his way; this would be your usual power bottom in a Fedral Prison and like it after awhile.

During all this he kept claiming that he had a "medical condition" that made him vomit even though the bartenders had apparently cut him off. THAT I learned later on from one of the bartenders later on that night. So apparently not being able to handle your liquor and yacking up a break up dinner into the porcelain representation of white people's understanding of Africa is basically is a medical condition. Something supposedly out of his control that is on a chronic level that can't be corrected; a cancer that targets any chance of someone taking responsibility for their actions. That seems to be the ebb and flow now a days of our consumerist and increasingly apathetic society. We don't care about our actions; just dissecting logic in order to not be held responsible for them. Charleston royalty use this logic to defend their wealth that was generated from their involvement in the slave trade or how murderers use it to wiggle out of answering for using midgets as fuel for cooking smores because the their was an imaginary voice in their head that said the Keebler elves wanted them too. It's one thing being a sick fuck but another thing to not take responsibility for the fact that you day dreams about luring Hipsters into a rophynol-fueled blood orgy with a sign that says, "Free iPhone 6".

Shit I should go rob a bank and when the cops have me cornered I could creep out with my hands up while exclaiming, "I'M SORRY OFFICERS BUT I HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION! IT MAKES ME ADDICTED TO HOLDING CASHIERS AT GUNPOINT WHILE WEARING A SKI MASK! I CAN GET A DOCTOR'S NOTE!"  Shit every irresponsible psychopath could use this line of logic as a defense if this defense actually had any semblance of sound logic grounded in reality; our current understanding of it anyway. Here's some more examples of how this logic can be used:

"Sorry about the jews; I have a medical condition that makes me an anti-Semite skilled in public speaking."-Adolf Hitler

"My medical condition predisposes me to loading U-Haul trucks with nitrogen-fertilizer based explosives and detonating them with pay phones."-Timothy McVeigh

"I have a medical condition that makes me tank the economy and put peoples' families out on the street."-Every Stock Broker on Wall Street ever.

"I'm sorry for raping all those kids but I have a medical condition that makes naked boys give me erections."-Jerry Sandusky  

Speaking of child rape the Catholic Church could use this line of logic to absolve themselves of their "sins" and by sins I mean a long history of priests using their "anointments" to crucify the assholes of little boys since crucifixion and penetration go hand in hand. Just imagine, if you will, that Pope Francis were to have one of his sermons that, as of late, have been about how the Catholic Church has sucked at life and were to televise it worldwide. He could have every single priest that has used their alter boys as power bottoms, the one's still alive (priest or underage power bottom), line up behind him at a podium like they just got out of an ass chewing from a congressional hearing.

"Hey guys, Pope Francis here. Got Jesus muthafuckas? Anyways, we have gotten to the bottom of all this child rape shit and have figured out the cause. These unfortunate individuals have a medical condition that drives them to shoot their loads into little boys' assholes. We have a doctor on this and will figure out a cure shortly."
Now what could be a cure for pedophilia if we are too take up the logic that pedophilia is in fact a medical condition? That there are just guys out that get off on fucking little kids like they are some 50 cent hooker in a Kentucky brothel and it requires a remedy of sorts. What would help them get their release without turning little girls into porn stars and guys into future news stories for CNN? AHA!!! I got it:
"And for all you Obama voting molesters we will soon have a Lil Bow Wow blow up doll as well."
That's right, child celebrity blow up dolls. I mean if I were a child rapist I would probably spend my days stroking my baby batter out the fantasy of raping Justin Bieber on one of the rides at Disney World. Maybe I could make a porno out of it; "Butt Pirates of the Caribbean" perhaps?
The Flesh Light industry would be all over it if they had government sanctioning on it. They could make a line of Flesh Lights that are molded after the assholes of all of members of One Direction. Maybe that is the One Direction of One Direction; saving the world one rapist at a time. This medical condition shit might explain some other instances of stupid human behaviors such as:

"I have a medical condition that makes me hide my other medical condition while transmitting my medical condition; sexually."

"Well I have a medical condition that makes me punch bitches in the face for giving me their medical condition; sexually."


If you really wanted to go out on a limb you could excuse the entire US Government of any wrongdoing they have ever done and just chalk it up to "medical conditions"; not to mention every other government that has ever existed. On the home front it can simply be summed up as:

"Sorry for all of the shit 'Murica but we have a medical condition that predisposes us to not giving a shit. Enjoy the entertainment on CNN and Fox News. Now if you'll excuse us we need to go get our blow and hookers to treat our other medical conditions; Cheers :D."
I'll leave it on that note. Who knows? Maybe I can go start a murder for hire business and chalk it up to a medical condition called, "I hate the entire human race and have bills to pay". Don't worry Neil De Grasse Tyson; you're cool.
"Thanks Ginger."

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