Thursday, March 20, 2014

Fat Fucks and Oreos...

First they had "double stuffed" Oreos and now they have "MEGA" stuffed Oreos. How fucking stuffed do you need to be? Has anyone seen how many fat fucks there are in Wal-Mart and Golden Corral? Do these walking blobs that graze the aisles of American consumerism and impotence need any more cream to be stuffed with? Obviously they are going to eat it so can we just go ahead, bring eugenics back? This way we can stuff these fat never-gonna-fucks into a Consumerist Camp so we can have some evil beady eyed government doctors just shooting loads of bacon-chocolate-mountain dew-pigs foot-frappucino-infused Crisco into their bloated-Jerry-Springer-caliber-pie-holes and figure out how long it takes for a human being to burst from consuming? We could use the results it for going to Mars. I'm sure Michael Moore would volunteer.

"There might be aliens suffering under economic inequality and substandard healthcare."
A story came out a few days ago on reddit about NASA claiming that civilization could collapse in the next few decades. For conspiracy theory nuts this will probably fuel their paranoia and actually hope that these idiots die from the press of the button by some shadowy figure. I mean honestly a the Zapruder film does, in my opinion, give enough evidence that there was a second guy that made JFK's head explode like a melon loaded with bottle rockets but this conspiracy theory shit has now turned into something that I have hash tagged #WhitePeopleShit. It was cute for awhile but now has just devolved into hysteria. I mean our government has done some awful shit along with every other government has existed but when you can't even decided whether the WTC was brought down with nano-thermite or a miniature atomic bomb then any talk about it loses credibility.
I'm at the point now where not only do I think that for the most part the United States government does have some moral authority on world affairs just based on the fact it's illegal to punch a bitch in the face and rape her mom because they burned your toast which is much more than I can say for other countries; looking your way Saudi Arabia. I also think that most conspiracy theorists sorely misunderstand what the United States government is as well as Vladimir Putin. That's because most forget what has been the most powerful weapon the United States has ever had; advertising. Our country advertises our country better than any other country advertises theirs. That's why everywhere in the world people know of America but people in America only know of other countries when the show up on CNN. It's why the world sport is soccer and yet America doesn't give a shit. Face it world, we have the better food, we have the better athletes, the better movies, and obviously the better porn. Oh yeah and we have BeyoncĂ©. America 1-World 0. Go back to kicking the ball world, we'll pick it up and slam it on your head with our tongues stuck out like Michael Jordan.
"You do Judo? That's cute."
Now that we have that out of the way we can go ahead and actually talk about how to take our next step as a nation after, of course, we kill all these fat, dumb fucks that are allowing rich white people to use dumb fat people stuck in a J. Edgar Hoover/Malcom X mentality. It's just bigotry on both sides. #WhitePeopleShit clashing with #BlackPeopleShit and if anyone watches professional sports then white people should realize that they just need to throw in the towel now and concede defeat while keeping whatever dignity they have left. Besides there are enough fat fucks on both sides of the racist trash spectrum that I think the enlightened of us realize that there needs to be a "Fat Fuck Final Solution". Shit we can make it the final season of The Biggest Loser so that Jillain Michaels can go back to what she does best afterwards; push ups and licking carpet.
"It's Paleo-Friendly."
Once that is out of the way we can finally get down to the business of actually getting this country to taking it's next logical step in dominating the rest of the planet. The people of the world love America but only bitch about us when we are dropping bombs on their punk asses till they smell what Uncle Sam is cooking. This means we need a voting public that knows how to fuck shit-----properly. This also means that our voting system is going to need a massive overhaul i.e. it's going to need people with some serious game. That would entail that the only guys that should be allowed to vote are the ones that have been able to at least fuck 20 girls by the age of 30 and for women they would have to show the ability to be able to make a guy bust a nut in under 10 minutes, on average, which would mean we would need guys to volunteer for "fucking tests" in order to ascertain their ability in understanding how a civilized society of homo sapiens should operate. This would obviously not count to the guys total but we could give them a tax write off or something for their service to our exceptional nation.

We could also use this to legalize prostitution so that women would always have a job that is in demand because as we all know what guys need more of in order to act responsibly without going on murder sprees is easy access to consenting, disease-free women on birth control. That's how we fix our country. Women get an industry all their own, since as we all know, it is what is really going to shut them up along with putting a woman in the White House as Commander in Queen. This way women can run the world and guys will shut the fuck up except for the ones that women find to be worth fucking and admitting too. They could be our Platos.
Now what about the gays, lesbians, and trannies? They would get to vote merely on showing that they can commit acts that are synonymous with their orientations. All a guy would have to do is suck a cock and he could vote; so forth for the rest of the whole alternative lifestyle genre. Let's face it 'Murica; that's the only way they will shut the fuck up too. Anyway that's my opinion on how to bring about some change. Maybe Obama will agree with me, I know Putin won't since he is probably too busy raping dead grizzly bears for a comic book. He can have fun with that while we actually worry about making our world sustainable for future generations to learn about the atrocities of Miley Cyrus in history class.

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