The Anderson Silva of Vagina
I love me a bad bitch. Most men in this day and age (of Jersey Shore) get pussy whipped into wearing such emasculating devices as Polo Shirts, hair gel, man scaping, popped collars,and drowning themselves in cologne that smells like it was extracted from some high class French hooker’s tuna box. Who are these “women” that are doing the whipping with the pussy you ask? Sorostitutes,trust fund babies,and generally any females who think they have gold in between their legs. These wastes of a perectly good labia feel that all is required for being awesome in bed is to spread their legs or, God forbid, actually giving a fucking blowjob. I’d ask for swallowing and anal but these bitches would probably think it would start raining frogs if they did so. Most guys will fall for these bitches mainly because most guys are stupid. The first piece of decent looking pussy that allows them to win on “just the tip” and next thing you know they are getting dragged to the jewelry store to pick out a ring even though the sex sucks while it lasts. Invariably it will lead to them having a mid life crisis and cheating on their uppity wives by hooking up with women half their age when then should have just stayed single to begin with.
Luckily for myself I’ve dealt with the good ole monogamy trap enough times to know that it’s not right for me unless it’s with a very special girl and when I say special I mean a gorgeous,intelligient woman that epitomizes what Petey Pablo meant by “Freek-a-Leek”. I mean a woman that makes Bible Thumpers jump in pools of Holy Water in her presence. A dominatrix that could not only whoop any man’s ass but whoop MY ass. Ludacris pretty much nailed it on the head with:
“My chick bad,my chick hood,my chick do shit that yo’ chick wish she could.”
I must’ve heard that one while bouncing in clubs thousands of times by now and even though I knew there was wisdom in Luda’s words I never fully realized how insane my encounter with such an awesome woman would be. We have alll heard the saying,”Be careful what you wish for”. The reason for this proverb is due to the fact that usually our dreams end up being a lie once we start to realize them. For me that dream was to compete in the UFC against George St. Pierre and make him “impressed with performance” (sadly,the Marvin the Martian-style French-Canadian accent that is almost as famous as his fighting ability doesn’t translate well to text).
For me the realization I had with prize fighting was that the individual liberty and freedom of expression that I thought could be found through mixed martial arts was nothing more than another method of control to make me a sheep. Yea I didn’t have to be stuck behind some desk with some Dilbert reject trying to give me shit about TPS reports,or whatever reports they do,but I still had to answer to people. Shady promoters and managers that wanted to treat me the same way that Charleston’s royalty used to facilitate the cotton industry through slave labor. When you are going through the process cutting weight,never mind for the sake of risking life and limb, and you have someone that eptiomizes why Goose Creek is reffered to as Noose Creek (RedneckPromoter) telling you how to do your job even though he is less qualified to fight than Tiger Wood’s now ex-wife (Lets see how many Ludacris references I can get away with) it definitely starts to change your point of view. That’s why most MMA aficianados give Nick Diaz shit because he won’t just bend over and take the corporate dick up the ass like the other sheep that are in the sport. Part of the reason why I am writing now.
With all that said hooking with my proverbial “bad chick” was the exact opposite of that and so much better than I imagined even though this chick completely worked me over in a manner that I thought was physically impossible for a woman to do (besides “female” body builders and Rosie O’Donnell of course). I seriously had no idea what I was in for. It was awesome but I was totally unprepared.
I met her, HotVampire, at DiveBar which has always been like shooting fish in a barrell for me when it comes to casual drunken hook ups. It should come as no surprise but I will say anyway that I have been known as the man whore of this place ever since I fucked a chick in the woman’s bathroom while I was on the clock (a whole ‘nother story entirely). Ever since then I have been told such things as “I’m not fucking any girls that you have fucked” and “that’s why I’ve never fucked you”. Yea I know, regulars in a bar that have bras on the ceilings which are kept as a trophy from woman that have stood on the bar and taken them off along with their shirst for a tank top that says “I LOVE BJ’S” that have standards (P.S. If you are from Charleston then you should know which bar I am talking about now). It cracks me up to.
Anyways I was in there shooting the shit with ClemsonFan as I usually do along with GlassesGinger when I first laid eyes on HotVampire. We caught eyes like it was like something out of a shitty romantic comedy where you just want to walk out of the theatre and throw up in some kid’s popcorn at the absurdity of it. But it happened anyway. I don’t know. Maybe there is something to that “at first sight” bullshit afterall. Whether it’s lust or love is still up for debate. All I know was that I was looking at this gorgeous woman that seemed like a mix of the best parts of Beyonce, J-Lo,and Rihanna with the lips of Angelina Jolie smacked on for good measure. It was instant attraction. She looked at me and walked outside. Something told me to follow her out and it wasn’t just the vodka.
Frank: (Stumbling outside like a bumbling idiot) “Can I bum a cigarette off you?”
She didn’t have one she found someone to bum off of and we shared. Kind of like the lymphoma equivalent of the Lady and the Tramp scene with the spaghetti. She could obviously sense me being well me as the conversation where on. I nearly blew it when I noticed a tattoo on her right wrist.
Frank: “What’s that tattoo of?”
HotVampire: “It’s of my dead mom.”
Want to know the best way to fuck up a slam dunk with VERYhot woman?Bring up something that reminds them of a deceased parent.
Way to go Frank,way to go.
I spent about the next hour and a half trying to chalk it up as a loss and move on. Then again I realized I’m not on the Kansas City Royals. I felt like Agent Smith The Matrix Reloaded before the fight scene with Smith’s clones,”I knew what I was supposed to do,but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was compelled to stay,compelled to disobey. And now here I stand because of you..” Everyone lives their life by the rules of others like I used to until I finally realized at that moment there are no rules. I had been brain washed my whole life into thinking that I should just be a nice guy and to just let things go but you know what? FUCK THAT! Rules are great until they start to hurt you. That’s when you have to wing it and just play the situation. At that moment, which was now last call, I knew I couldn’t just let it lie. I had to atleast make an effort so I wouldn’t have to wonder, “What if?”. I walked up to her as she was leaving.
Frank: “Hey,I didn’t mean to bring up a sore subject like that.”
HotVampire: “It’s ok, I have thick skin.”
Frank: “So whats your number?”
HotVampire: “I have a boyfriend.”
Frank: “Ok. So what’s your number?”
HotVampire: “Well I can’t give you my number but you can add me on Facebook.”
AND THE GINGER IS BACK IN THE GAME!!!!!
Yeah I know! Adding people on Facebook is usually for people that idolize Snooki but fuck it I had to go Makiavelli on this one and hope that the end would justify the means. I sent her a request and she added me so that I could go home to jerk off to her profile pics. Yeah, she was that fucking hot.
The following day I was at work checking my Facebook when I went on her profile and saw that she posted one of those cutesy/funny animal pics that you see all the time of Facebook nowadays. It showed a puppy with its eyes bulging out cartoon-style and smiling while saying, “TAH-DAH. Someone took a shit in the hallway.” I thought it was pretty funny and responded with my brand of humor:
Frank: “and that is why they are an entree in korea…”.
HotVampire: “No no no no!”
I thought this was funny but obviously one of her guy friends that was one of those feminine Dawson Creek types that had a Calvin Klein-style shirtless pics as his profile pic (yea, you know the type that I’m talking about):
Shirtless: “Lol great picture, dumbass comment”
This made me laugh a little. He could have just posted “LOL” but he actually went out of his way to talk shit to me as an attempt to piss me off while looking like a bitch in shining armor to HotVampire. Ok,I can play that game. I just had to soften him a little bit first before I knocked his ass off his moral high ground.
Frank: “You say dumb,I say awesome.”
No response from Shirtless….
Frank: “Just google it,it’ll show up on wikipedia for christ sakes lol…”
Still no response and yeah I overuse “LOL” for everything. Blow me. I figured in order to get a response from this pussy I had to go thug ginger with it.
Frank: “Where did you go [ShirtLess]?I was just getting started son….”
HotVampire who developed a pretty keen sense of where my humor was heading decided to put a stop to me before shit got really hilarious.
HotVampire: “Hey Frank! Calm down! Don’t make me defriend you! ”
If you can’t pick up on the subtle hint by the smiley face then you are wasting what’s between your legs, guy or girl. Anyways I told her what she wanted to hear. There is a difference between being an alpha-male and just being an arrogant douchebag. For hints of where this line is watch Archer and then watch Jersey Shore. My response:
Frank: “Ok ill be good lol…I always tell people…Don’t throw salt in my game unless you are ready to chew on it…”
Don’t ask, It just sounded witty to me at the time….
HotVampire: “Who chews on salt anyway?”
Apparently she didn’t get the reference that the game is the food to which Shirtless was trying to throw salt in but, hey nobody is perfect. Speaking of Shirtless,he finally decided to grow an ovary and put his two cents in:
Shirtless: ” Sorry I don’t stay on here have things to do,no shit it’s a fact just a dumb comment and distasteful, entitled to say what u want as well as I.”
Most of the time when someone pulls the “I have better things to do” card it means that they are afraid to stoop to someones level that can obviously shit talk them into submission like Muhammad Ali in his prime. I don’t have such problem, i.e. being a pussy, nevermind going two levels lower. I decided to call him out on his lack of manliness and/or witty ability.
Frank: “@[HotVampire]: they chew on the food (game) that said hater is throwing salt on which brings me to @[Shirtless]: if you can’t take the flavor then don’t open your mouth.”
I should have dropped a couple muthafucka’s in there like Samuel L. Jackson would have but like I said I was trying ride a delicate and intertwined balance between wooing HotVampire and further emasculating Shirtless if that was at all possible. HotVampire’s response:
HotVampire: “Frank, Pretty sure I said take it down a notch. You’ve just been undid. Troublemaker.:)”
You’d think at first that I’d hurt my chances of pounding HotVampire’s rabbit hole like the Zombie Apocalypse was imminent but once again take note of the smiley face emoticon. My response(s)
Frank: “I’m trying but you need to tell Justin too. I give as good as I get …”
Frank: “So I can’t mock Justin for having a shirtless pic?”
Frank: “Or how it looks an emo version of Tom Sawyer?”
HotVampire: “Sure but whats that have to do with this puppy pit pic?…And I happen to like Justin’s pic… so whateve”
Of course Shirtless liked HotVampire’s comments like he was her BFF or whatever the fuck infeminate males that wear nothing more than low cut jeans for as his profile pic want to be with a hot chick. I don’t know,maybe I prefer having sex with hot women instead?
Everything worked out just like I had hoped. I ended up looking like the ginger alpha-male that I am (otherwise known as a huge asshole) which must have gotten HotVampire salivating since we spent the rest of the weekend talking on fb non stop till she finally gave me her number. Once we did that we started texting non stop. I wasnt even that smitting feeling that I had with previous ex’s or booty calls. This was just insane chemistry and we just clicked. I could actually see myself being a purely platonic friend with her. She is THAT cool.
We kept talking for a few weeks and hung out at PlanetBar to have some drinks. Amazingly she was able to out drink me. Not an easy feat. I can thank my German genetics along with the genetics from my grandfather on my mom’s side whom was epic alcoholic for that. Yet she could still out drink me. On top of that she told me how she kept a machete next to her bed at night just in case were wolves and zombies happened to break in. I was sold. I had officially found the one woman that I’d want to have with me if the world were coming to an end via undead,blood thirsty cannibals. Seriously, this girl could kick Wonder Woman’s ass.
Eventually our conversations took that all too familiar sexual turn and we talked about what we liked. She told me about how she liked it rough and when I say rough I mean “Porn Star Punishment on Brazzers.com” rough. Honestly the only experience I have had with rough sex was the last time I was hooking up ShamrockGirl and she had me attempt to choke her stuffing her tail pipe. Honestly, I kind of pussied out after a few seconds with her due to the combination of fear from one her dad’s supposed spies with sniper training putting one in my head from 50 yards out due to misreading the situation through his scope and/or her pulling a DoorKnob to save face if any of her friends, who happened to hang out at DiveBar, questioned her about it. I have had the Andy Dufrain treatment once already which is plenty (read “The Worst Girl Ever”).
The rough sex talk kept on getting crazier and crazier. It got to the point where what we were saying could have been confused with scenes from True Blood. You know that scene in The Doors where Jim Morrison was taking swigs of that cocaine/blood cocktail with that hot goth chick? That’s basically what we were fantasizing about minus the yayo. We decided that all this talk was great but it was time to put our money where our collective mouths were. Atleast she did. I thought we were just going to Folly Beach for some drinks. I really did.
Silly Frank. When will you ever learn?
I pulled up to her apartment which happened to be in the same apartment complex that TattoedCougar was living in. If you read the “Frank Bags a Cougar” story then you will realize this isnt the only coincidence that HotVampire and TattooedCougar have in common. If you haven’t read them go to my blog (google “I Don’t Have ADD,I Have the Whole Alphabet” or the link is frankandrews.blogspot.com). Needless,to say i didn’t know what to expect. I know what hopped in my car though. I know what I smelled too. Perfection. I had never had a hotter woman in a car that I was driving. Plus she smelled awesome. We headed out to Folly.
We walked into this bar called Surf Bar which is pretty chill when its not too busy but this was not one of those nights. It was as loud a night club except they weren’t playing shitty techno or having teeny bopper sluts tripping on ecstacy. The music was pretty good actually in the cover band sorta way, but it was next to impossible to keep a conversation going. We decided to head to another bar and walked into this spot called Snapper Jacks. That’s when she started paying for my drinks. This is always a good sign.
As we were drinking HotVampire asked me if I was the jealous type. This question is always an easy one. If you don’t know the answer then you need to re-evaluate your life. I told her that I wasn’t so she decided to call my bluff.
HotVampire: “So what if I were to bite that guy on the neck right there?”
The funny part is she thought I was bluffing…
Frank: (In my redneck voice while waiving over some dude that looked like Kramer pre dropping the N-Bomb on-stage days) “Aaaaayyyyy Buddddayyyy! Come here!”
He had this confused look as he walked over.
Frank: “She wants to talk to you.”
HotVampire and Kramer started talking for a minute as I sipped my beer. After a few minutes she started to push him against the wall and started to sink her teeth in a full two inches away from his carotoid artery. Kramer had a look of shock his face with a slight grin. After HotVampire got done applying about 3 industrial strength hickies on Kramer he walked back to his seat with a look of shock spliced with a shit eating grin for good measure. You are welcome by the way.
After HotVampire’s seductive version of 30 Days of Night (awesome movie by the way) she asked me if I had a spot to go to.
Frank: (motioning to the bartender) “Check Please”
We hopped in my car and took her to this spot I kept reffering to as my dungeon since it got her wetter than Japan after a tsunami whenever she heard about it. Now what was this dungeon that I told her about you ask? Exact Impact of course or what was left of it anyway. Ever since Boze pulled his best Benedict Arnold and took his shit outta there the place pretty much resembled a dungeon. I guess there is a silver lining to everything. Anyway as we were riding over there my mix cd (Yes I still havent completely switched over to Pandora yet) came on to the track “Who Run It” by Three 6 Mafia. This must have hit the horny switch on HotVampire because she was instantly gyrating her hips in the passenger seat like she was in Juvenile’s “Back that Ass Up” video. She managed to do this while forcing my hands down here pants. I love it when a woman is proactive.
We arrived at “The Dungeon” and I showed her around.
Disclaimer: The following entails acts of rough sex which for some readers (especially if you are a pussy that doesn’t realize that some women are into this sort of thing) then you might want to stop reading here before you go cry to baby Jesus or you’re mommy who will tell that you are perfect just the way you are and that a “special someone” (most likely a gold digging whore since you buy into that bullshit) will make you happy someday. For those that like to actually enjoy life and have a sack keep reading.
Showing her around lasted for all of two minutes before we were tongue wrestling with a competitive vigor that would’ve put the epic Hulk Hogan vs Andre The Giant match from Wrestlemania to shame. This girl was a gamer and by gamer I mean she was getting the upper hand. One second she was biting my tongue and my lips,next thing I knew she had me mounted with her hand wrapped around my neck while biting my neck so hard that she was on the verge of breaking the skin while at the same time forcing her tits into my mouth. I was caught more off guard than JFK when he rode by the grassy knoll. OK,maybe not THAT off guard but the surprise quotient was definitely on the par of an anorexic teeny bopper suddenly shooting out a live fetus in a bathroom stall during senior prom. This woman was totally owning me Anderson Silva-style. The only other woman I nave ever seen with this kind of vigor is Gianna Michaels. That was just the beginning as it got better and better.
I have to be honest,there were moments when she was tenderizing my neck where I pussed out and had to have her stop for a sec. It was only a second but it was pussying out nonetheless. Thats right, a woman made me tap out. Fuck you. HotVampire was for real and backed up all her talk and I had grossly underestimated her. Muhammad Ali made the same mistake with Joe Frazier, you ain’t better’n me. However I was not down and out. Not in the least. She was pulling her best Gray Maynard and beating the shit out of me like I was Frankie Edgar but just like MMA’s Rocky Balboa I was primed to surge back. I did this by grabbing a fist full of her hair by the roots (To enhance the pleasure. Thank you to FunGinger for that tip by the way) and started making out with her again. After that I put my hands around her neck (Which she consented to by the strictest legal definition) from missionary and started to go Donkey Kong on her g-spot which made her hornier than Sasha Grey on Viagra after an Oyster Cookout.
We went hard for awhile and went all over “the dungeon” while trying a wide variety of positions. Missionary,doggie,doggie while standing (which she loved like Tommy Ravenel loves coke),legs on my shoulders from missionary,and of course my all-time favorite the half-doggy,half-missionary postion which is basically the sex equivalent of half guard from Brazilian jiu Jitsu. She loved all of it along with coming with another bonus on top of the amount of awesome that HotVampire already was. Yep you guessed; she was a squirter (even though it was more like oozing on this occasion) which I felt while hitting it from missionary. It was nice and warm.
Even though I didn’t get off (which she was disappointed about) the sex was still awesome and something I now jerk off to regularly. After we finished up I dropped her off at her place and drove home. When I walked into the house and went to use the bathroom to take my usual post coital whiz I took my shirt off to look in the mirror and noticed bite marks all over my neck and shoulders. I texted HotVampire.
Frank: “I LOOK LIKE I JUST SURVIVED A ZOMBIE ATTACK.”
The following day I had to work at the gym. What did I do? Did I try to hide all the marks with some make up or a turtleneck? FUCK NO!!! If you seriously think I did then please ruffee and sodomize Magic Johnson. I wore those sons of bitches like they were badges of honor just like I do with my cauliflower ears. I earned those things and I got them from a women that most guys would pay top dollar for one night with. Now I know what you are saying, “Gee Frank you must have some serious game.” Nope, not even close. There weren’t any games with me and HotVampire. I was just myself (a huge asshole) and she was herself (an amazing dominatrix that gets me harder that a phallic shaped diamond) which led to a chain of events that I will deem as “some of the best sex of my life”. It’s like Tucker Max says,“The best game is no game”.When you don’t live your life by other people’s terms then you are free to enjoy it on your terms. As of this writing me and HotVampire are still hooking up and the sex is getting better and better. I probably should buy a new mattress now that I think about it. If by some chance you get to hook up with her be prepared. She will kick your ass. She is the Anderson Silva of pussy. You’ve been warned. However upon looking at these pics you’ll come to realize that it’s probably worth beating: