So apparently white people were at it again during the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards and by that I mean them stealing things from black people. First they stole their freedom for 400 years with the slave trade which evolved into Elvis Pressley stealing rock and roll from them and now we had Miley Cyrus's near anorexic ass stealing "twerking" which was basically the hip hop club equivalent of dirty dancing but with sexual innuendo that goes straight to the point. Yea, yea I know plenty of others have suffered such acts of kleptomania at the hands of the pale faces including other pale faced people, i.e. Irish, Jews, Catholics, Croatians, etc. but the point is now they aren't even trying to cover their tracks or even hide their shame about it. Or maybe that's because social media catches it in all of it's glory now.
Now like all creations of humanity it should be enjoyed by all citizens of it regardless of color, race, or gender. Just know that if you aren't qualified for it then you are going to look like an idiot. That is what brings me to the whole Miley Cyrus "twerking" fiasco which I learned about on Twitter since Breaking Bad was on and I would rather watch Walter White manipulate egocentric Mexicans and white people instead of another glorified awards show with teenager girls screaming and having their first menstrual cycles at the sight of Justin Timberlake. However, upon checking up on the world of social media everyone was complaining about how Miley Cyrus was the worst thing to happen to popular music which is kind of redundant given the shit that comes out of the pop industry where most of the artists are about as skilled artistically as the Insane Clown Posse. Here's the image that has caused all of this buzz:
Most would find this shocking especially considering the fact that it's Robin Thicke wearing a glorified old school prison jumpsuit and Miley is two years past being legal so the statutory rape innuendo should be obvious but I don't even have a problem with that. My problem is the same as anyone that has slept with women other than white girls and realizes how white girls now a days are trying to be more and more like black girls which is fine too and hopefully they will learn other skills in the sack besides just laying there. With that said my wanna-be ghetto-ish cracka honeys, allow me to explain something to you through photos.
This isn't twerk worthy:
THIS is twerk worthy:
This is not:
And THIS is one of white girl that is:
and this is a meme comparing Miley's ass to a raw chicken:
Starting to get the point? Notice the how the asses on the women whom are twerk worthy look like two Christmas dinner hams slammed together? Notice how the ones that aren't look flatter than the Bonneville Salt Flats? The reason is that women that are twerk worthy have this thing called curves especially when it comes to their backsides. Twerk worthy women have asses while ones that aren't have butts. Ladies, if you want to twerk your ass like a male peacock flashing it's feathers while getting crunk in da club then please have tail feathers worth flashing. If you don't then please start doing squats and lunges or some sort of leg workout as those are the ones that will take your ass from being flat as plywood to being bubbly and booty-licious so you can land yourself a celebrity or a pro athlete or just a real man in general.
Ever wonder why twerking was even conceived by ladies with big ole delicious rumps? It's because they wanted a real man that knows what to do with it. That's why you always see these skinny no ass Barbie dolls that are clueless in the sack can be seen hanging out with wanna-be lawyer frat boy types because they wouldn't even know to tear up a glazed doughnut from Krispy Kreme even if they had the tools do it with which allows them to get away with their utterly naïve natre. Real men like something to grab on to because they actually like to please a woman and work that ass over like it owes it money while said females can reciprocate in kind. Being as I am the compassionate type I have supplied a workout and diet regimen to make that ass something that is B.E.T. worthy:
This workout should be incorporated into your usual fitness routine and done twice a week. It only covers legs but if you want to work that upper body and abs then those workouts can be worked in with this one. All will be done in a drop set style which means you start with the heaviest weight you can comfortably move and moving down in weight as the weight becomes too much:
Exercise #1: Barbell squats
If a 45lb barbell is the most you can manage then just do 3ets to failure with 1 minutes rest in between but if you can do more then proceed to the steps below.
1. 5 reps at the heaviest weight that is comfortable
2. drop the weight by 40% and do 5 more reps
3. repeat step 2
4. Rest 1 minute then repeat steps 1-3 for 2 more sets
Exercise #2: one-legged leg press
If you have been in the gym then you have more than likely noticed the leg press which looks like the picture above or something like a miniature rock smasher. Just like before if you can only do the minimum weight then do 3 sets of reps to failure with 1 minute rest in between. If you can go up in weight then do so and repeat the same steps as you did with the barbell squats.
Exercise #3: barbell lunges
With these you will do 3 drop sets of 15 reps adjust the weight accordingly to do the reps without sacrificing your or if you can't handle the weight then do 3 sets to failure with 1 minute rest in between.
Exercise #4: Box Jumps
With these you are going to do 3 sets of 20 as this is designed to burn those glutes out so they can come back bigger, stronger, and more bubbly to get you closer to twerk worthy glory. Once done allow yourself three days rest to recover and then do the routine again. As the weight becomes easier then increase it accordingly. That covers the exercise portion. Now onto the diet.
Instead of coming up with a detailed diet plan I am just going to list foods that I have noticed that tends to work in adding lean mass which is the goal of making any backside worthy of shaking it like yo gonna break it.
-chicken (not fried)
-pork (especially bacon)
-veggies (especially green leafy ones)
-shell fish (if you aren't allergic)
Notice that grains, dairy, or processed sugar are not listed but bacon and peanut butter is. This is because you want a healthy bodonkadonk but with a little fat on their for sake of it having that femine appeal. A twerk worthy ass should have a little jiggle too it so you can bounce a penny off of it. If you can't do that with your ass yet then these tips should help you get to that goal. With all that said ladies, go out and do the damn thing so that way the next time I see you trying to twerk it in the club I wont be confused about whether you are a skinny chick or a feminine looking guy from behind.