Saturday, August 31, 2013

A Crash Course in Human History

By Frank Waszut

It all started about about 13.82 Billion Years Ago. A ball of extremely hot and sense "something" rapidly expanded into a massive "something" that we now call the universe. First there was elementary particles zipping around like it was some techno disco have a good ole time until gravity and higgs bosons were like, "Hey, y'all need to slow the fuck down. NO! Not you neitrinos and photons, y'all carry on with your twerkin' and zipping around. We won't bother you, y'all are special." The other matter started to be giving mass from the Higgs field so that gravity could start forcing them to come together like the Brady Bunch. They started coming together and forming rocks and asteroids and stars and planets and moons and all sorts of awesome shit.

There was one planet (that we know of) in particular that wanted to be a "G" and a "B"  (Green and a Blue) Ball. It was really fancy in the fact that it was at just the right distance from just the right sun in just the right universe like it was Goldilocks. At first it was just a big ole ball of magma which eventually formed volcanoes which were like the earth's version pimples and herpes since some oozed out lava (like that gift that keeps on giving) while others shot it out (along with pyroclastic flows) like gigantic versions of those cysts being popped on youtube. If you haven't it seen them here is a video. Just imagine that the puss (white blood cells) is molten rock:

If you are done yacking up your cheerios then you have probably guessed the entire point is that earth's molten puss is pretty important to our existence. I bet you won't look at white heads the same way again but the important thing is that they were important for a lot of things especially CO2 which these volcanoes let out like gigantic streams of non stop farts, sometimes silent, sometimes loud, always deadly yet there wasn't anything to kill yet and what the fuck good is natural weapons of mass destruction without any shit to kill. Well luckily they helped to produce water and CO2. Well water might have been from comets; that part is still up for debate. This was very important for life that existed today especially for plants that fed off the CO2 and produced oxygen which led to an atmosphere which would be very hospitable to life as we know it since oxygen is important or some shit.

Eventually there were single celled organism that came from some primodial soup or asteroids and/or comets that carried amino acids which is basically the precursor to life which just needed a catalyst. In this case it was heat and luckily earth was plenty warm. These single celled organism started feel lonely after awhile despite the fact that there were plenty of other single celled organisms around. They felt empty inside, they were Jerry McGuire wanting to be complete except it wasn't proposing to to Rennee Zellwegger's butter face. So over time the single cells thought non stop about it until it heard itself through multiple generations and decided to complete itself by being a multicellular organism. These multicellular organisms swam around in our oceans until they were like, "Hey, let's make organs of more complex organisms that can swim around in these awesome oceans. These things swam around for awhile until they noticed this bring light above the water for hours at a time before it got pitch black again which sucked because the bigger fish loved to eat them when that bright light wasn't around since it was easier for the big fish to sneak up on them.

They thought and thought about getting closer to where this bright light was and eventually amphibians came on land since they had an advantage that they developed called lungs since gills really sucked for breathing air. Eventually some of these amphibians turned into really big reptiles which would later become famous in Steven Spielberg films. There were ones that ate plants and really aggressive ones that ate the ones that ate plants since they were on a paleo-friendly diet even though paleo-dieters weren't around yet. That's when one day a massive fireball showed up in the sky. It got bigger and bigger and these reptiles were like, "What the hell is that?" and then it was down goes Frazier. a 10 kilometer wide rock plowed into the Earth and showed the dinosaurs what's up; death by fire bitch.


Long story short the earth got hot for a bit while shit loads of pulverized rock got ejected into the sky which blocked out the sun which in turn made it really fucking cold since, you know, sunlight is kind of important to that whole warm weather thing. So it got really fucking cold which made glaciers really big and shit and one the animals to survive all this were mammals since their blood was warm, as opposed to those dumb ass reptiles, and they began to crawl the earth wondering what the hell was going on. Eventually some of them figured out how to walk on two feet since only dumb mammals would waste their lives walking on four feet which gave rise to kangaroos and monkeys. Yes, fucking monkeys, people love monkeys but hate to admit that they are related to them since it's like being related to that kid in grade school who would pick the inside of his ass and then sniff it to get googly eyes. I'll get to why in a little bit but first we have to get through monkeys.

Monkeys had a huge advantage of all other animals in the form of an opposable thumb which is very important when it comes to being able to pick shit up as well as flinging their own shit at other monkeys that try to cock block them when trying to get some monkey pussy. This will be a product of sexual selection which will become increasingly important and lead to a form of mating ritual by females to attract males called "twerking". Not monkeys though, they weren't there yet. That hadn't even figured out how to walk on two legs to use their more functional hands much less shaking their ass to turn a trick . Baby steps people, baby steps. That's how evolution works. Well that and a shit load of trial and error.

The monkeys started wondering what it would be like walking on two hands and they started praying to their monkey god or whatever and eventually there were monkey like animals that walked on two hands that grunted to communicate and looked somewhat like us except really hairy. These were the Neanderthals. They did the whole wondering what the hell is going on thing too while trying not to be eaten by saber toothed tigers or being made into road kill by wooly mammoths even though there weren't any roads yet. That is when one of them had an epiphany. They realized sabre toothed tigers liked meat, Neanderthal meat, and they had really sharp teeth and claws which helped the tigers eat said meat and that's when the Neanderthals had an epiphany on how to eat them:


Luckily there were plenty of sharp rocks around as well as sticks and vines to attach said sharp rocks to said sticks. They also figured how to make the sticks sharp with the sharp rocks. This eventually led to:

Some Neanderthal:"RUH RUH" (Neanderthal for: "Here tiger tiger tiger, come here boy.""

Some saber tooth tiger: (ROWR?) "Is that muthafucka actually looking for me? What an idiot. Oh well, free lunch."

The tiger charged with images of yummy Neanderthal meat dancing through its mind. Once close enough it leaped to get its free lunch and the Neanderthal set his spear:

Sabre tooth tiger: "Oh shit!"

The tiger was impaled and it realized that there is no such thing as a free lunch. It also died and that's when the Neanderthals realized they could be the top of this whole food chain thing. Fear subsided and was replaced by hunger. I mean who the fuck wants to eat grass when there is a perfectly delicious looking wooly mammoth with all that delicious meat standing right there just waiting to be slaughtered? The only problem is that they were pretty big and would require a lot of stabbing to take down. Luckily the Neanderthals had numbers and flanking tactics on their side which made short work of the those slow lumbering wooly mammoths. Which is great since I imagine wooly mammoth steaks would be delicious if cooked. Otherwise it would probably taste like what female Neanderthal vagina smelled like since soap and shaving hadn't come about yet. This obviously made the female Neanderthals bitch since they were too good for that meat and wanted it to taste better. They also bitched about how dark it was at night and how those creepy sabre tooth tigers had a habit of trying to sneak up on them like roided up ninjas when the sun wasn't out.

This led to many arguments and one Neanderthal was getting fed up with it and decided to grab some rocks and bash them together instead of bashing them on a female Neanderthal's head since you're not supposed to hit a hairy girl. So he bashed those fucking rocks wondering how to get that stupid fucking cunt to shut up; in Neanderthal talk it probably sounded like heightened growling and grunting. He kept bashing and bashing them until he saw a flash.

Neanderthal: "RRRUUUUU!!!" (Neanderthal for, "What was that?")

He started hitting the rocks again and saw another flash which gave him an idea so he decided to grab some dry grass and twigs to see if he could catch. Once he had a pile set aside he started to hit the rocks together again while hopefully getting the spark to land in the dried stuff mosh pit. Eventually it landed in the dry stuff and there was some crackling like rice krispies and then some smoke followed by a flame which is when the Neanderthal had another epiphany:

Neanderthal: "RRRRUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" (Neanderthal for: "YES!!! THAT"LL SHUT HER UP!!)

That's when the Neanderthal had another idea and went to grab some more of that wooly mammoth meat and threw it onto the fire. It started to do something to it and the Neanderthal tore off a piece of the meat. Lo and behold it made it taste better. This brought a huge cooked wooly mammoth eating grin to the Neanderthal's face as he carefully took the meat off of the fire since he realized that shit was hot. Then he took a piece of it to that bitchy hairy female Neanderthal who probably didn't even have good tits and she tried. She was enthused with euphoria at how much better it now tasted than she smelled down stairs and that is when the Neanderthal to show her the Yes that's a great name for it. It sounds so simple and majestic. Plus it keeps the sabre tooth tigers away at night. This eventually shut up the female Neanderthals for awhile as long as the guys kept on bringing the meat and making the fires because god forbid if a female Neanderthal had to kill something. That's not their preference.

Eventually the males wanted more for their efforts and the usual form of Neanderthal sex wasn't quite enough. They wanted blowjobs, oral stimulation if you will. The female Neanderthals weren't stupid and they wanted oral stimulation of their own. Fuck! The males weren't going to put their mouth on that and the females held the upper hand until they realized they wanted oral stimulation too. That's when they all started thinking about having less hair and over the course of generations there were Neanderthals that had less hair as well as being smarter. All of this happened in Africa and we had our first modern humans. And they were black, your hear that Protestants?

They were less hairy but still had shit loads of hair around their crotches; an obvious problem until one day one of these modern humans discovered how to combine animal fats with wood ashes and/or lye to create soap as well as discovering shaving and with this blow jobs and cunninglus were possible without yacking up animal carcasses and wheat. This led to lots of sex which led to lots of population growth since birth control was quite primitive and coat hangers hadn't been invented yet. Herpes was around but everyone just thought that it was a curse of the gods. That was another thing that started. Religion which inevitably led to sexism. Woman made valid points about how they should be treated equally and guys had no idea to counter it so their answer was always "God".

Primitive Male: "Honey, God said you are only good for being a cum dumpster, menial cook, and for cleaning my clothes. Now shut up before God makes me punch you in the face again."

Eventually women got wise and wanted proof of this so all the sexually frustrated guys had to get together and figure out an idea. They decided to come up with a story and not just any story, but a story involving a talking snake that lived in this garden called Eden. On top of that there was a naked man and a naked woman that were not aware of being naked whom were created from dust that was breathed into by "God". "God" had this forbidden tree. A tree that was special. A tree that was full of knowledge because apparently this male created "God" thought that humans weren't quite capable of figuring shit out even though they had figured out how to survive this long not to mention how to make the wheel, spears, fire, soap, and sex more hygienic while taking down wooly mammoths whom had gone extinct at this point. Most people are gullible, of course they will believe this shit.

Skeptical male: "A talking snake, really?"

Sexually frustrated male: "Have you ever seen a talking snake? Then how do you know one doesn't exist? Now shut the fuck up before we nail you to a criss crossed piece of wood and burn you while calling you a heretic. Stop being such a fucking cock block."

They talked some more and figured out the whole talking snake angle. They also figured that the naked chick would have one extra rib, from the naked guy so the chick would owe him for life, and that she would eventually eat from this forbidden tree after that cock blocking asshole snake talked her into it. Once she got talked into eating the fruit "God" will be angry and make them feel aware and ashamed of being naked and have to be mortal. The moral of the whole story will be that it was all a woman's fault and because of this they should do as a man asks and not ask questions or dissent in any way, shape, or form.

The guys all thought this was a lovely idea and there weren't any woman around to argue about it but then they realized that most woman would hold the whole death card over them and just hold out on the sex forever. That's when the males put their heads together again and figure out how could get around this. That's when of them had a brilliant idea of manipulative ingenuity.

Male: "How about another male with really that gives us a second chance? Like there could be this totally awesome place that women can go to if they do as they ask which we will call Heaven and this toally awful place where woman that don't do as we ask go to called hell? All they would have to do is follow this really nice guy's advice and he'll even die via crucifixion by the hand of Roman soldiers. I mean woman love sappy stories like that. They'll totally buy into it."

Other male: "That's fucking brilliant. What should we name him?"

Male: "Jesus H. Christ! I don't know."

Other male: "That's perfect and the H can stand for horny seeing as we are all horny as shit and sexually frustrated."

They also decided to put this whole story into a book and make it sound cryptic as shit with vague references to natural disasters and stuff, all the work of "God", to make it sound official because damnit "God" is fucking official. It was perfect, a story that sounded like an omnipotent science fiction story veiled as a self help guide that could shoot down any woman's attempt for equality since communications were quite limited back then. This story spread like wild fire especially since humans at this time loved to walk long distances to see what they could find. One day one of these white people met a darker skinned fellow on his travels and they began to shoot the shit. That's when they got to their story about "God". Well the darker skinned fellow called it "Allah".

After hearing each other's story they laughed about how similar they were in there overtly sexist overtones and decided they would head back to their respective homies to tell them about what they heard. As the white man got back he told them about it and of course, sensing the implications if word got out, they decided to have him crucifed and burned immediately. As the darker skinned fellow got back he told his fellow darker skinned fellows and told them the same thing which resulted in him being killed in order to silence him while calling him an infidel. That's when both sides realized this would be a major threat to their sex lives since if men couldn't agree on what this "God" is then maybe the females would realize the entire story was bullshit. That would not bode well for the bottom line between their legs. They decided they either had to kill them or make them agree that their story is "the truth". The darker skinned fellows agreed to do the same to the white people while the yellow skinned people minded their own business while focusing on math and their own issues. This all culminated in the Crusades which the white people called for the glory of their "God" in reality it was nothing more than to keep their white pussy pumping out white babies. while the darker skinned fellows wanted that white pussy since they wanted the white pussy to pump out beige babies. Eventually everyone decided that the pussy wasn't worth it that much since both sides had plenty of it and they had better shit to do.

That's when the white people decided to spend years fighting amongst themselves over which view of their "God" was best since god had become quite synonymous with their cocks at this point but admitting so would be blasphemous since cocks and cunts were considered sacred tools for making more white people. This went on until around the 1930's when there was this country called Germany and they had gotten scientific about what the perfect white person should be which was based off work by other white businessmen and eugenicists in the United States whom forced sterilization and abortions on non white people because white had to be kept white damnit. White people don't want any of that beige shit coming out of their white pussies and nothing coming out of the non white pussies. Germany had this peculiar fellow, his name was Hitler, Adolf Hitler who decided that the perfect white people should not have big noses, be disabled, have sex with someone of their own gender (because how the fuck are you going to make perfect white people with that?), travel around in herds, or be of Polish, Russian, or Czech descent. He received shit loads of funding from these US businessmen, since they wanted perfect white people too, and Hitler decided he had a solution. Not just any solution, a "Final" one. Why did he call it "Final". It's because "Final" sounds official and it officially killed around 12 million people in a systematic fashion since anything that is official has to be systematic too.

Eventually the one group of the yellow people, well they were more of a pale yellow, decided that the white people in this country were acting very dishonorably towards them which went against their ideologies of Bushido and Shinto. This country was called Japan and despite not being that big in size they had a shit load of fight in them to the point that their pilots that would load their planes with bombs and crash them into ships voluntarily.  They decided to attack a US military base in Hawaii called Pearl Harbor which the President of the US at the time, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, knew was coming be he also know about how Hitler felt about people in wheel chairs and since he had to spend a lot of time in one himself he saw an attack on Pearl Harbor as an excuse to show how big of a can of whoop ass that a guy in a wheel chair can open; so he let it happen. This led to the U.S. entering the war which at the same time cut off Hitler's funds after Hitler declared war on the US which would be the beginning of the end for Mr. Adolf. Hitler might be stubborn but not as stubborn as a pissed of man in a wheel chair that had the help of stubborn drunk Englishman by the name of Winston whom on numerous occasions said that Hitler and the Nazi's could suck his bullocks which is British slang for testicles.

Eventually the Nazi's fell and the focus of the white people was squared directly on those stubborn pale yellow people and those fuckers wouldn't quit. The white people fought them and fought them but they just wouldn't lay down. They'd rather die. Luckily, a German-born physicist who had decided it would be much better to live in the US after Mr. Adolf went...well...Adolf wrote a letter to Mr. Roosevelt to tell him that Adolf's minions, the really fucking smart ones, were researching a new type of bomb that could really fuck some shit up on a massive scale. Roosevelt figured since this guy had formulated the theory of relativity, kind of shows how fast humans were at figuring shit out, Roosevelt figured it would be a good idea to take his advice and start stockpiling on shit loads of uranium and recently discovered plutonium. Eventually they figured out a little process called nuclear fission, the splitting of atoms, which released shit loads of energy that could make said bomb that could fuck shit up by vaporizing everything close to its blast radius, leveling all structures near it, and of course good ole nuclear fallout that would cause all sorts of cancer as well as deformed babies that look like something out of a horror movie. The tests were successful and but Mr. Roosevelt died which led to a man by the name of Harry Truman to call the shots and he decided to drop the bombs on those stubborn yellow people while singing yankee doodle dandy.

We dropped the bombs on two cities called Hiroshima and Nagasaki which led to those that weren't instantly vaporized to wonder, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!" The leaders of the pale yellow people decided it might be a good idea to stop bothering the other yellower people and agree to stop fighting with the white people because they had really powerful fucking bomb now. Here's a video of white people using them in the following years like they are M80s:

Yeah, like M80's because how could that possibly go wrong? Well one of those ways is that two of the main countries full of white people, the biggest ones geographically speaking, decided to start talking shit over ideologies. In one corner was the "good ole" USA and on other side was the Soviet Union which were looked at as the "Red Devils". Both sides preached their ideologies while being equally full of shit. The people in the United States lived in fear of dying in a nuclear holocaust while the people of the Soviet Union lived in fear of starving to death. Then one day the Soviets had an idea involving this island nation, filled with brown people, called Cuba. The Soviet Union offered to put missiles there armed with nuclear warheads there protect them from the white people 90 miles off their coast and they agreed since they were still pissed off with Franklin Roosevelt's distant cousin, Teddy, whom kind of beat the crap out of their Spanish buddies half a century prior. Once again, white people using brown people to scare other white people. Now white people were being prejudicial based on language and ideology. The warmongers in the US were like, "WHAT? THEY CAN'T PUT NUKES BY BROWN PEOPLE EVEN THOUGH WE ALREADY DID THE SAME THING IN TURKEY!!!!"

A big showdown was looming that was threatening to turn the world into a nuclear landfill but luckily there was this fellow of Irish descent whom came from a family of bootleggers by the name of John, John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Unlike most involved in this issue Kennedy was a voice of reason since he kind of saw the lack of logic in blowing up the entire planet and eventually helped to deescalate the entire issue which didn't sit well with the warmongers especially since Kennedy wasn't the one paying them. That one rolling that paycheck was the Federal Reserve whom along with their other international banking buddies had turned this whole business of bombing brown, yellow, and not white enough into a very lucrative---well---business. Kennedy was a person that could seriously hurt that especially with the prospect of a looming war with a country filled with yellow people called Vietnam. Most think his stance on wanting to end the US involvement would be his downfall but he would only be part right.

There was another issue that was what truly led to the shit hitting the fan or in this case the bullet through his head since he decided to ride around on a sunny day in Dallas, Texas with the top down. He signed an executive order which would have crippled the major corporate businessmen and bankers of this country by allowing it to print notes that was backed by silver while the businessman's was only backed by the faith of the people in notes that said "In God We Trust." Yep, there's that fucking "God" thing again. Obviously those businessmen realized how much pussy it would cost them because at this point most females had been so brainwashed that the only thing that could shut them up was money and shit loads of it. Ever since that day it's been a non-stop cycle of white people using brown people to make money and now the brown people are starting to catch onto this and now even the president is beige and the white people are now bitching more than ever. Most men now are even bitching more than the females and that's basically where we are at. Now we even have white women that are "twerking" which would just be another on a long list of things that white people take from brown or less than white people to make their own without the rhythm, or the curves.

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