Friday, June 6, 2014

Bravo Bryan Singer and Kiss My Ass Charleston PD, My X-Men: Days of Future Past Review

So seeing as how well using a movie as an excuse to get casual sex worked the night prior I figured I'd go for part two of hat trick with an early showing of X-Men: Days of Future Past. I was actually quite excited about this one; the movie and the girl seeing as how I am a huge comic book nerd even though I have never read a comic book. Not to mention that the woman in question was the very definition of the work exotic. If anyone has read my past sexual history, especially with VampireChick or HotObama then you can imagine my excitement at the possibility of sleeping with a brown skin hottie with tattoos in spades. She hit both of my turn ons on the proverbial blood filled mushroom head. However she couldn't hang out prior to it so I was going to have to take my chances after the movie and late night hours also worked in my favor so no worries on my part. Besides from our conversations she actually seemed to be very laid back and intellectual so believe it or not sex was not a priority. Don't get me wrong. I wanted it but it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't get it. Not with a women that actually respects herself; I can respect that. I had to pick her up first though.

Picking her up would not be as easy as pulling up to her house and sending her a text saying, "I'm here" followed by me nodding my head to Young Buck for the average 5 minutes from the response of, "Ok" to her actually walking into the car. That's not to say this instance was her fault. In this case the fault lies with the CARTA Bus system, a nosy neighbor, and of course Charleston police officers that know only protocol while lacking any semblance of deductive reasoning. There is a reason why smart cops become detectives and private investigators while the dimwitted ones are stuck to patrol cars until they waste most of their life in obscurity just to secure a pension.

I was sitting in my car, nodding my head to G-Unit's dixie whistlin' mean mugging ambassador when a patrol car pulled up beside me and flashed their mounted driver side flash light square in my face. It only got better as it was a female officer with a short haircut. I already knew she was going to be a pain in the ass a chick with a short haircut always has something to prove. Maybe its proving that sand in the vagina can lead to a higher conviction rate; who knows. Their are a few short hair women that are an exception to this but only because I have had sex with them and the last thing I'm going to do is throw salt into my own game. I get enough drama sodium as is.

ButchCop: "What are you doing here sir?"

Me: "Waiting on a friend."

ButchCop: "Why?"

Me: "I'm taking her to go see X-Men."

She kept busting my balls about what I was doing there and that's when another patrol car pulled up. Two stoned face male officers that look like they split their time between the gym and jerking off to an alternate ending to Schindler's list; one where Schindler's list doesn't make it. They gave me the typical cold faced poker stare trying to use intimidation to shake my resolve. This might make a drunken frat boy or some wanna-be thug act a fool but then again  I knew I wasn't doing anything illegal; last thing I was going to do is give them a reason to arrest me on disorderly conduct. I just looked at ButchCop:

Me: "Am I doing anything illegal? I mean I am in a public domain right?"

ButchCop: "You are but she (the neighbor) has the right to call any suspicious activity. Can I see your ID?"

She might be a bitch but she was right in that regard.  Also, and this is where lots of people fuck up with cops, but asking me for my ID is a lawful order. If I didn't present it she could have arrested me on the spot and then I would have spent $22 on movies tickets so I can spend more money on bail money. She might have won the battle but she wasn't going to win the war. The only way I could would be if I started yelling and screaming about my rights. She took my ID and walked to her car while I texted the girl about what was going on.

TattooedHottie: "What? Omg...did you tell them you are waiting on someone?"

Me: "Yep."

That's when ButchCop came back my car to hand me my license back. That's when she gave me this pearl of advice with a shit eating grin:

ButchCop: "Have fun with your girlfriend tonight."

Me: (responding back in the most sarcastic tone possible) "She's not my girlfiriend."

Most would say I'm an idiot but also most don't take advantage of an opportunity to talk shit to a cop in a legal fashion; fuck her. She has the law on her side to bust my balls. It takes a genius to piss one off without going to jail. All she could do was give me that same shit eating grin while her eye twitched as she tried to hide her anger as "some citizen" put her in her place that shouldn't have the legal or financial means to. I pulled my car up in front of TattooedHottie's house, turned the engine off and kept on listening to my hip hop. Kiss my ass Charleston Police Department and go suck on your night sticks.

TattooedHottie called me and asked if I could pick her up from the bus stop around the corner from her house. Seeing as how it was on the way to the theater and that the movie started in 20 minutes I started up the Denali to head her way. I picked her up over at the Rutledge Cab Company and she looked just as good as she did in her online photos. This was already looking promising compared to 15 minutes prior. I got out of the Denali and opened the car door because I guess I think I have a soul. She hopped in, I hopped in and we drove to the theater.

We walked into the theater and it was almost packed but we lucked out with a couple seats in the back row which was great because I hate the prospect of someone projectile vomiting on the back of my neck and I'm auburn-licous hair. Having that experience at a UFC party years ago is enough for me. Last thing I need is the smell of stomach acid, coors light, and peanuts for the rest of my natural born life.It's why part of me wants to die young so I dont have to deal with the smell of boduily excretions in a hospice 24/7.

After the previews the movie started with the background a dystopian future that was the stuff of a Ron Paul nightmare. Just imagine something akin to the future envisioned by James Cameron in the Terminator movies with more purple lighting and mutants.  Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart) is providing a monologue about how this tragic turn of events has taken place while pondering whether the future can be changed. The cause of this future is due to mutant hunting robots called Sentinels that are programmed to seek out and kill anyone that harbors the mutant gene whether it is fully expressed or they are only carriers of it. In other words the entire planet has become a massive Final Solution and mutants are the problem; at least in the eyes of the rich bigots.

The Sentinels make their first appearance as some as a band of surviving mutants, led by Kitty Pride, are seeking refuge in some abandoned military installation in the mountains. All seems calm for a second and then Sentinels bust in like a herd of murderous Kool-Aid men minus the red shit. The mutants put up a fight but the Sentinels are able to adapt to any of their powers and begin offing them. Kitty and Bishop hide in an isolated room with the help of Blink who can open portals to other locations. Kitty starts using her powers on Bishops in rush against time in order to avoid getting 86'd by the Sentinels. She succeeds just in time as the other mutants are already dead and they all vanish. They later show up in a dystopian China where Professor Xavier, Wolverine, Magneto, and Storm are in hiding. It is revealed that Kitty has the power to send someone's consciousness back in time to warn them a few days prior of any incoming attacks from the Sentinels. I wish I had the same power when I turned down a threesome with HotVampire and her hot tattooed friend for a Russian chick. Guys, don't ever put you balls in one basket and by basket I mean monogamy; at least for as long fucking is your primary goal in life.

So far TattooedHottie and myself are pretty impressed as Professor X is explaining how this bleak future has come to pass. Basically Boliver Trask  (Peter Dinlage) whom epitomizes the personality of the bigots involved in the US Military Industrial complex, i.e. a midget is assassinated by Mystique in the year 1973 (Jennifer Lawrence) which sets off the unfortunate chain of events. After assassinating Trask Mystique is captured and her DNA is harvested in order to give the Sentinels the ability to adapt to the powers of any mutant which makes them as successful as they have been in wiping out most of the mutant race. They decide to use Kitty Pride's powers to send Wolverine's consciousness back to 1973 to prevent the assassination. I'll admit this is an interesting concept for time travel and when I haven't seen used on film yet. If its been in another film it's news to me.

Kitty Pride does her magic and Wolverine wakes up exactly where a rapidly healing claw for hire would be expected to wake up in 1973; the bed of the daughter of a mafia boss. This leads to some comedic relief as some mobsters come into the room and think, "Hey, lets shoot Wolverine with some pistols because that will totally teach him a lesson right?" Obviously the lesson that was learned was that impaling Italian gangsters is like impaling anyone else; there's red shit but its not marinara.

Wolverine eventually finds Professor Xavier at the mansion after having an impromptu battle royale with Beast. Professor X walks in. Let me repeat that for anyone that has known the character and saw the ending of X-Men: First Class. Professor X can walk despite taking a bullet to the spinal cord. He also is now lacking his power to read and control people's minds not mention sporting a snazzy new Jim Morrison-Jim-Morrison-on-a-dope-bender look. Just think of a more dramatic version of Jeff Bridges in the Big Lebowski and you'll get the idea; or just see the movie. Apparently he has regained the ability to walk because he has in fact  been shooting up albeit its a serum instead of an opiate.

After Wolverine convinces Professor X that he is Wolverine from the future while still Wolverine in the present and that the future is going to really suck for mutants they embark on finding a kid that has the nickname of Quiksilver. He's called Quiksilver because he both think and move very fast. He moves so fasts that he could break your ankles, heal your ankles, and break them again on the basketball court; if he played basketball. The reason for seeking him out is because they need break Magneto on murder charges for assassinating a very high profile public figure. Let's just say it will get a rise out of conspiracy theorists.

Quilsilver nearly steals the entire show in one scene while breaking Magneto out. Just imagine that 70's show meets the Matrix and you'll get the idea. He makes Neo look lethargic by comparison. Not too mention the slap stick humor is a nice touch. That's one of the things I like most about Days of Future Past. It strikes a good balance between action, drama, humor, and philosophy while allowing itself to not getting bogged down by any of those elements. They all meld together to make for comic book movie experience that is up there with the Dark Knight and Iron Man as the best comic book movies ever made.

Days of Future Past is full of plenty of "Oh Shit" moments and, like I said, Quiksilver nearly stole the show; nearly. The moment that stole the show is when Magneto pics up an entire baseball stadium and drops right on the White House lawn while turning everything in sight into swiss cheese with Sentinels he hacked earlier in the film. This scene alone tops anything that I have yet to see this far in theaters this summer. TattooedHottie was equally mesmerized. She brought up an interesting point after the we left during the credits which I later found was a huge mistake since we missed the part where Apocalypse made his appearance.

TattooedHottie: "They can do the entire series over now."

She made a point. I wont say much to ruin the ending but lets just say any character that you like and may have lost will have a logical reason to return due to the plot of Days of Future Past. The movie was awesome, so awesome that I didn't mind getting blue balled by TattooedHottie. She actually had a legit reason to due to the fact that she was tired. I know a lot of times this can be just the result of a woman playing games but she had all the physical signs of exhaustion so I let her pass out so I could write this review.

All in all X-Men: Days of Future past gets a Brag-gable rating from me and I highly recommend seeing it. As it stands now this is the summer movie to beat/

No comments:

Post a Comment