Friday, November 8, 2013

Drunk Driving for Dummies...

By Frank Waszut

Traffic laws are annoying. Traffic Lights, stop signs, yield signs, speed limits, radar traps, etc make what should be a simple commute from point A to point B an adventure in a metallic/plastic box propelled by internal combustion (or electricity for all you Tesla owners out there) more of a non stop annoying reminder of why most people shouldn't be allowed behind the wheel in the first place. I'll be honest I drive like somewhat of a grandpa. I rarely exceed speed limits, obey all traffic lights no matter how often amber lights seem to be designed to go off at the exact moment I'm at the point of not being able to stop before an intersection, and I use my blinker to the point of absurdity. Saying I drive defensively would be like saying Fred Phelps is old fashioned. The reason I do so is due to:


Almost looks an ad for Anonymous doesn't it? Then of course there is:


I think I have seen something like this in the Walking Dead.


Kim Chi anyone?


Now that's what I call fucked in the head.


Open casket and a jack o lantern possibly?


He doesn't even need to squint to see the details.

Since I'm not one for sanctimonious bullshit I'll just cut to the chase and tell you what caused these photographed instances of vehicular fatality statistics; stupidity. Stupidity is the cause of all pre-mature death; especially car accidents. People do stupid things on the road ways and get turned into road lasagna; it's what keeps the oil industry rolling. Driving defensively helps to keep me rolling. It's the difference between driving by scenes like this or being scenes like this. That's not to say I am always smart behind the wheel. Actually for over 7 years I was quite stupid behind it. I was stupid behind it under one criteria that I basically had it down to a science and accomplished it in a city that basically makes it's income off of it. Of course I am talking driving under the influence; drunk driving. Long story short I use to drive drunk; a lot. Honestly, there were stretches where I would be driving home drunk more often than I did sober. I never got pulled over, never got arrested on suspicion of DUI, never hit anything besides a tree stump, and drew the ire of a few crotch rocket enthusiast when admitting to it during a debate about the stupidity that is motorcycles.

I was told many dubious things but the most entertaining to me was that, "I should walk off a pier and do the world a favor." You know you have hit a nerve when people start wishing suicide on you. Where they are wrong is in the fact that seppuku wouldn't do anyone a favor except for myself since I would be the only one that wouldn't have deal with their bitching and moaning about cops, politicians, and "Murica being taken over by the Chinese, Arabs, or whatever non-white people they are afraid of at the moment. Me yammering away about how drunk driving is awful only exacerbate a society that wants all the ammo and none of the accountability. In other words they want to live in a world where logic and reason are taboo while fantasy wins the day. It works for Hollywood but then again in the world of fiction things actually have to make sense in order to keep the audience's attention. Reality does anything but make sense just like how a narcissistic asshole like myself could get away with an act on the regular that would result in most people meeting the business end of an oak tree head first doing 60 or paying SR-22 insurance "if they are lucky" as most die-hard driver safety divas would put it. So I am going to do the world a favor now and share my tips on how to drive drunk and make it home safe if you have too much pride or too little cash to afford a cab and have no other way to make it home.

Disclaimer: This article does not advocate driving drunk anyway even though it is designed as guide for driving while under the influence of alcohol. Driving drunk is stupid. We all know that. Also it should be know that the majority of people of legal drinking age tend to do stupid shit like driving drunk. There is no stopping them and honestly the more you encourage them not to the more they tend to do it just to prove your wrong just like kids. This designed to hopefully keep some drunken idiot from turning a dumb decision into a tragic decision.  My dumb decisions never turned into such atrocity which most would say is luck but as the adage goes,  "luck equals skill plus opportunity".

1. Buckle your seatbelt.

This one may seem obvious but when you are hammered nothing seems obvious except having to take a piss. Take the time before calling that fat chick whom somehow now looks fuckable to buckle up. Actually if you are heading to her place for some hogging then you might want to make sure you have something to wrap it up with too since no one wants to be that guy who caught a pathogenic gift giver from that fat chick whom has been hooking up with the reformed heroine addict that has become a regular at your usual watering hole. On second thought I don't care how drunk you are; just drive home and don't fuck THAT fat chick.

2. Don't blast your radio.

Cops have ears and many cities now have noise ordinances which cops love to enforce because it gives them probable cause to pull you over and find all sorts of other ways to fuck your night up and the fact that you spent the better part of going back and forth between double Jacks on the rocks and PBR will more than likely make that desire much easier to attain. The golden rule is to not attract attention. Blasting your subs to 24 hour champagne diet is just begging for hand cuffs.

3. Avoid main roads and use side streets whenever possible.

Driving drunk should be looked upon as driving behind enemy lines since technically driving under the influence makes you the enemy of the "tax payers" whom pay the police to "protect and serve" while in reality it just pays for them to sit in their squad cars waiting for speeders while stuffing their fat faces with jelly filled fried bleach flour sacks while nagging with their other buddies in blue about the next physical evaluation on their radios. The majority of time they will do this on roads with higher traffic volumes because the law of probabilities can even be understood by those in a profession that only requires straight C's while banishing those that score too high on their entrance exams. In this case the law of probabilities says stupid people will take such roads because they offer the shortest duration of travel. That's why they always set up check points on main roads. It makes their job easier.

4. Do the speed limit.

Once again, another no brainer. Then again if you are getting behind the wheel of a car while intoxicated then you might not have much of a brain in the first place. The only thing that really kept mine functioning was non stop paranoia brought about the realization of what I was undertaking. Respect for an undertaking I find tends to delay the inevitable meeting of your corpse with an undertaker. In other wards if your blood alcohol content is potent enough to fuel and F-1 car then maybe driving like Mario Andretti would be a bad idea. Here's why:

     A.) Alcohol slows down your reaction times. This means that curve that seems easy to navigate at 90mph would be like nailing to jello-o to a tree at 30mph.

    B.) The most obvious sign that someone is under the influence, to a cop, is doing 30mph above the speed limit at three in the morning.

5. Don't swerve (you shouldn't even have to do this while sober).

On second thought this is the most obvious sign to 5-0 that you are have enough tequila on your breath to spit out Montezuma's revenge. What ever you do keep that car in a straight line. People tend to think that swerving is considered switching back and forth between lanes. In reality swerving is just not going into a straight line whether or not its in your lane or both lines like a four wheeled penguin. Any deviation is enough for those blue lights to come on and having a breathalyzer places in your mouth to make you look like a humanoid blowfish sucking on a tit. Unless of course...

6. Know your state's laws especially in regards to whether or not you have a choice in which test to consent too.

Now this one is tricky. First you have to be dumb enough to get behind the wheel after drinking enough to where getting pulled over would be an issue as far as whether you end the night in a bed or in a holding tank. Second it involves you ignoring my previous tidbits of advice which has led to you facing the prospect of a test of your sobriety in the first place. This automatically makes you dumber than myself because I never got pulled by a cop ever since even though I was breaking a law I never did anything to draw suspicion; obviously you did. However, this article is proof that I'm much more merciful than the justice system so let me explain a way to get out of this situation without spending a night in jail even if requested to take a test and that you are currently above the limit of .08.

So you have gotten pulled over and you have given the officer your license, registration, and proof of insurance. For some reason he suspects you have been drinking which is mostly likely due to his sense of smell and possibly due to the fact that he overheard you blasting a certain track by N.W.A. which he might not be fond of. He know starts requesting that if you would be willing to submit to a field sobriety test and hypothetically lets say you ace it but he still suspects you of driving being intoxicated above legal limits. He asks if you would be willing to submit to a breathalyzer. The common perception is you only have two options and only one outcome if you are over the limit in the form of:

Option A.) You refuse

The result: A trip to your local detention center and a suspension of your license.

Option B) You blow

The result: A trip to your local detention center and a suspension of your license.

Now you aren't drunk to the point that you did pass the field sobriety test but you are sure you are over the limit but not by much. The cop has offered for you to take a breathalyzer but has failed to inform you of other tests to confirm your blood alcohol content. You actually have two other options:

A.) A blood test

B.) A urine test

Out of these options only one is good if you hope to beat the charges which is the blood test. This is due to the fact that the cop has to take you to a facility that has the necessary equipment to administer a blood test, which is usually the nearest hospital. That means sitting in an emergency room possibly for hours on end waiting to get your blood tested. This buys time for your liver to pump that fermented naughtiness out of your system to get your BAC down to a legal level. If you're really hammered you might still be fucked but if you are not too far over the limit then it might keep you out of lock up.

With all this said driving drunk is a dumb idea but then again people still do it and if what I have written here keeps them from being more stupid behind the wheel then maybe they can make it home without running anyone over and having to pay SR-22 insurance. There's plenty of reason why not to do it but then again stupid tend to do stupid shit and this might make them aware enough to at least not do anything traumatic to anyone or themselves. Take this article as you will.

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