Friday, November 15, 2013

6 Jobs Where Psychopathy is in High Demand

By Frank Waszut

Whenever we hear the word psychopath one conjures up some image of some sexually frustrated guy that lives in a basement of some whore house whom keeps embalmed corpses for him to Twitter his Google too while plotting how to slip cyanide into Justin Bieber's Diet Coke. The word conjures up the stuff of nightmares and images of some left wing extremist going Call of Duty on a kind Irish-American fellow from a book depository. Other acts of gun happy in Aurora, Colorado and Sandy Hook lend even more into this fear of socially awkward individuals whipping out sawn off shot guns the second that a Miley Cyrus song pops up on the PA system at your local grocery store. This train of thought keeps many psychopaths from being open about their dispositions for fear of persecution by society which in reality is what pushes many psychopaths over the edge and go Patrick Bateman on some proverbial Paul Allen. The truth of the matter is that psychopaths are all around you and many of them excel at jobs that help to protect everyday people from horrible outcomes. They are the real Avengers and hold such jobs as:

1. Firefighter

You walk by a house that is on fire and hear someone screaming inside; would your first thought be:

A. Oh my god, I better grab my trac-phone to call 911 so that the firefighters can get that person out.
B. I better run in there and get him before he dies of smoke inhalation and gets the extra crispy treatment.
"Should I knock or ring the doorbell?"

If you answered A. then you are more than likely normal, work a regular 9-5 job, show up to that desk job on time, and do all of your TPS reports like a good little boy or girl while more than likely being the God fearing type. If you answered B.) then congrats, you are more than likely a psychopath as you more than likely lack fear for your own well being but luckily had parents that gave you an idea of what right and wrong is. One of the key aspects of psychopathy is genuine fearlessness which comes in handy when part of the job description is "running into burning buildings".

2. Salesmen

You know that friendly red-haired fellow that works behind the desk of your local gym that is always making you laugh your ass off at the absurdity that is Stuart Scott ripping off Drake for the sake of making a regular season Miami Heat game against the Charlotte Bobcats way more important in the Eastern Conference standings that it really is? You know the nice one that couldn't have possibly known about that clause in your contract where if your Visa card gets lost that their will be no pity for that $30 decline fee even though you were a helpess victim in the whole matter? Well in reality he really did but also knew how to deliver it to in the most minimal form while emphasizing the awesomeness of buxom blondes wearing yoga pants that come in around 5pm knowing full well that you would get you to sign on the dotted line locking you into a year long contract where the owners of the gym have your bank account by the balls while you think you got an awesome deal that everyone else gets.
"Trust me, you won't regret this."

Another key trait of a psychopath is that they are superficially charming in order to manipulate you into commitments while not paying attention to the fine print. Also when it bites you in the ass they'll act like they are genuinely concerned when in reality the are just playing nice to keep that  dinero coming in.

Source: (Felthous 103)

3. Lawyer

To anyone with a J.D., practiced law, or watched Law and Order this one should be obvious. For those that have a rose tinted perspective of lawyers, and if you do it might be wise to massage your dick in food processor for the benefit of the gene pool, you probably have never heard the saying, "there's a difference between moral and legal". That difference being morality tells kids that Santa Clause is real and legality would tell them that they are retarded and should plan on a job as a glory hole attendant in Thailand. This due to the fact that an essential part of is using a non-moral train of thought or creating a moral vacuum.

source: (Handbook of the American Association of Law Schools 182)

Now let's see. What type of person would gladly throw the concepts of morals in the an emotionless shop vac ruled by logic or would get a certain hall of fame running back off the hook for a murder rap in the face of overwhelming evidence based on race baiting and proclaiming "if it doesn't fit, you must acquit"? Oh yeah that's right:

"Sometimes a bloody glove is just a bloody glove"
Another trait of psychopathy is the lack of ability to act on or feel empathy like say for a certain blonde that was used as a practice dummy for someone's knife. Obviously the one working on his stabbing form is a psychopath but what about the one agreeing to defend him just foe economic sake?

source: (Fallon 17)

4. Doctor

Speaking of jobs that require a moral vacuum here's one you wouldn't expect but anyone that has performed open heart surgery can relate too. Here's the thing about emotions and morals; then have a tendency pushing someone to make mistakes. Now trial and error is fine if your are trying to hack some government website while getting ready to bust out your Guy Fawkes mask for your youtube channel but not so much when it means severing an artery. Keeping your emotions out of the equation allows one to focus on the task at hand of saving lives just like a firefighter. Of course it's kind of hard to sell that to someone looking to get on Medicaid.

"our doctors are will not acknowledge any emotion for you while playing Operation on you. Promise"

An emotional vacuum may lead someone to starve you in a well for a few weeks to make your skin much easier to turn into an evening gown while that someone tucks their junk in between their legs and twerks in front a mirror but it may also help them in saving your life when your arteries get clogged.

(Fallon 4)

5. Professional Athlete

This was obviously given away a few occupations above but yes professional athletics is a job where it pays to be a psychopath. It's the difference between Michael Jordan and those that brag about owning Air Jordan's. The difference between Lebron James and Justin Bieber looking like an overly blinged tool next to Busta Rhymes in the front row. Michael Jordan was the ultimate competitor; he hated losing. He hated it more than cynics hate Candy Crush Saga. In his mind losing was the equivalent of playing 1 man 1 Pinecone covered in siracha sauce and glass shards. It's a testament to his legacy as one of the greatest athletes of all time. It's also an example of his intense narcissism which has been well documented through numerous first hand accounts of him by sports journalists. It's also a symptom of psychopathy. Luckily he chose basketball instead of contract killing or else we probably would all be all "Killed by Mike" instead of wanting to "Be Like Mike". You sick fucks.
"Jeffrey Dahmer ain't got shit on this."

6. Theoretical Physicist

You know  that lowly chemistry teacher that goes on and on about how awesome thermite reactions and valence shells are. He goes on and on about the importance of Hess's law and Thermodynamics as well as how the universe is going towards greater points of entropy? Nice guy isn't he? It's such a shame about the lung cancer diagnosis huh? How's he going to afford treatment? Oh only by starting meth empire and killing the competition by such crafty means as dumping red phosphorus in hot water and trapping them in the RV on top of manipulating drug cartel vegetables into suicide bombings of Columbian nations bet setting of a bomb that's detonated with a bell on his wheel chair.

"I'm doing this for my family."
Now that is a fictional character so here's a real life one:
"Don't fuck wit me or I'll go mass-equivalent on yo ass; relatively speaking."

Yeah, Mr. Special Relativity was a psychopath in the same way that another psychopath of his time was and yes I am talking about one Adolf Hitler. However, the type of psychopathy they had went by a different name called Asperger's Syndrome which was changed from the term originally coined for it in the form of "autistic psychopathy". So what was the difference between the Holocaust and the 1921 Nobel Prize in Physics? Their adolescent years. Both had intellectual aspirations; Einstein veered towards science and mathematics and Hitler veered towards art and eventually architecture. What kept Hitler from being the next Picasso was the fact that his parents died while he was young which was highly traumatizing. The thing about people with Asperger's is that they are a lot like Pit Bulls in their temperament. If they are raised in a traumatic environment then they could become a Grand Champ in the local dog fighting circuit. If raised in a nurturing environment then they'll be sweeter than a Oreo factory drenched in honey, or bring about mathematics that makes that GPS work on your Smart Phone.

 "and if you are really nice to me I might take care of that whole Grand Unified Theorem thing as well."

sources: (Zysk 33)

(Klauber 54)

(Kershaw 380)



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