Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Fuck Tom Hanks and Captain Phillips.

For those that haven't seen Captain Phillips yet, and it isn't out so you haven't, allow me to spoil the movie for you.

1.Tom Hanks is playing some real life bitch named Captain Phillips on a Maersk ship. It's a bitch playing a bitch.

2. Some Somali pirates on another boat notice the Maersk ship and decide to get all thug nasty with their AK47's to get dat bling bling which might be the cure for AIDS in Somalia. It worked for Magic Johnson

3.The pirates board the ship which is when everyone starts acting like a little bitch along with Captian Phillips played by Tom Hanks which isn't too much of an artistic stretch for him. Tom Hanks will not be in the Expendables ever.

4.Eventually the military comes in and of course they call SEAL Team Six because they are like the Harlem Globetrotters of the Special Ops world and can cut the balls off of an ant from a mile out with ear muffs.

5. Eventually one of the pirates realizes that SEAL Team 6 is military talk for "Shit just got real" and takes Phillips to an armored life boat that looks like an orange dildo for a blue whale.

6. The pirate gets shot in the head by the sniper, Captain Phillips soils himself, roll credits.

You can thank me for saving you $10 later.

1 comment:

  1. Imagine this, you could have just read the story and saved your own ten dollars.