St. Patty’s Day 2012
Occurred-March 17, 2012
Bricktop from Snatch: “Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of
retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an
'orrible cunt... me.”
Gingers are an insane fucking race.
IM NOT KIDDING. It’s not some joke for cheap laughs. I really don’t give a fuck
if you think this is funny or not. I’m stating a fact. WE ARE A FUCKING PACK OF
PSYCHOS and if it continues to spread it will make the zombie apocalypse look
like a mild case of genital warts. There is a reason that sperm banks in Europe
are denying our sperm donations. They are onto us. It’s too late though
fuckers. Just like stage 4 cancer you are basically screwed barring a miracle
that would make the resurrection look like a David Blaine trick with cards.
Kneel and pray to to whaever deity that you hold dear. Why would we need a soul
when yours tastes so good?
Gingerism can
manifest itself in many ways and when combined with ADD, alleged (and near
certain) Asperger’s syndrome, on top of being half Sicilian, Post Concussion
Syndrome (which includes such lovely ingredients as PTSD and Second Impact
Syndrome along with vertigo) it can lead lead to a shit show of epic
proportions. On this day it combined into a full on Ginger Meltdown. That’s not to say it wasn’t fucking awesome.
The memory of this day will forever be burned into my memory and has
unequivocably changed my life and existence forever. Here’s how it all went
down:
12:00 A.M: I’m chilling at DiveBar drinking PBR and shooting
the shit with ClemsonFan and texting HotVampire about how my drinking is going
12:02 A.M: Since I have officially turned into one of those
“I only smoke when I drink types” I decide its time to bum a cigarette which I
have grown increasingly proficient at due to my rule of not buying cigarettes
since I feel that is somehow going to keep me from turning into a “real”
smoker. A Ginger can’t fool himself.
12:03 AM: I ask around for a cigarette out front.
12:04 AM: I find someone to bum one off of.
12:05 AM: Since I’m an asshole I also don’t have a lighter.
Only a will and a way.
12:06 AM: I find some middle aged dude going through a frat
boy themed mid-life crisis judging from his polo shirt and gelled grey hair
that has a lighter. He hands his lighter to me with a look of condecenscion.
Fuck him. I’m not the one that looks like he jerks off to the sound of Channing
Tatum’s voice.
12:11 A.M: I finish my cancer stick. I head back inside to
continue drinking and texting. I told myself I would leave by 11:00 PM since I
have to work at my day job at 8 AM. Obviously thats out the window.
12:15 AM: This Sicilian looking chick comes up to order a
drink at the bar and stands right next to me. She’s thick with a pretty face.
She has been aiming fuck me eyes in my direction since she walked in. I also
have enough alcohol in my system to gloss over the thick part. Ever since I
started hooking up with HotVampire I have developed new standards for hooking
up with women besides the usual requirements disease free and willing.
12:20 AM: I start cracking dead baby jokes and she starts
laughing her ass off. I attempt to break through the PBR infused fog of alcohol
currently in my brain to figure out how money condoms I have on my person. I
realize its 4. They are Trojan Bare Skin condoms. They are as awesome as a
condom can get.
12:40 AM: She has to go to the bathroom.
12:45 AM: She comes back and we catch eyes.
1:00 AM: After some flirting that was about as subtle as a
prostate exam we are officially using each others tongues to count each others
fillings.
1:30 AM: In between fits of making out I saddle up my tab
with RedskinsFan. He gives me his usual "Jesus Christ" look because
has seen this movie too many times. Atleast I have learned to leave the bar
with the girl instead of fucking her in the woman's bathroom. Its all about
progress no matter how incremental.
1:40 AM: After making the two block walk to my '92 Honda
Accord me and SicilianChick commence making out again. I use this as an
opportunity to start putting my hand down her pants to check her tempertaure
not to mention for odd bumps and/or oozing sores.
1:41 AM: Check complete. Nothing out of the ordinary. This
turkey is ready to pop.
1:50 AM: We walk into the gym that I work at. I show her
where I teach Brazilian Jiu- Jitsu and Muay Thai classes. She thinks its cool.
I think its time to get to the fun part.
2:00 AM: Me and SicilianChick are making out on the roof. I
have been wanting fuck on this roof for awhile and even though I fucked
FreeBird on it during Valentine's Day I don't remember it so it doesn't count.
If whore logic can work for sorostitutes it can work for me.
2:02 AM: I make my move.
2:04 AM: SicilianChick's shirt is off and even though her
stomach sticks out like she is on her third trimester, her tits and face still
are enough justify full insertion. Whether or not the alcohol is having a say
in the matter is another story.
2:06 AM: I have her laying on an AC Duct whole performing
cunninglus on her. See? I can be a gentleman too.
2:08 AM: I strap on the first Trojan Bareskin and prepare
for ramming speed. As it inserts the outher hull suddenly breaks. I resurface
in order to apply a new Trojan. Back to business.
2:10 AM: Wow given her size and suspected promiscuity it
doesn’t feel like I’m throwing a hot dog down a hall way. Plus she’s shaved.
It’s nice.
2:20 AM: After getting bored of plowing her from missiuonary
I flip her over and hit it from behind while pulling her head back by her
roots. I love dominance.
2:30 AM: We attempt to fuck upright against a wall by the
ledge but realize the right angle for optimal insertion could potentially end
with her falling off the ledge. Drunken sex acts are one thing, involuntary
manslaughter is another.
2:32 AM: We decide to do doggy while standing next to the AC
unit.
2:50 AM: She obviously loves this postion judging by her
enthusiasm. I'm careful not to thrust to hard and make her head hit the ac
unit. The potential bruises in the shape of fingers on her neck can be
explained since she's into being choked but amnesia from a concussion can
complicate things.
3:00 AM: I finally get off in her mouth (I have a low
sensitivity). She's a spitter. I'm disappointed.
3:02 AM: We make out some more and she explains how she has
never gotten off like that. Gingers have dem skillz son.
3:10 AM: We walk down to the gym to leave. Just like Bugs
Bunny we went left when we should have gone right and find ourselves in a walk
of shame with a guy that knows me on the
treadmimlls.
4:00 AM: After a 50-minute conversation about parrellel
universes and anything else that would be seen on an episode of Through the
Wormhole with Morgan Freeman we finally get out of there and I drop
SicilianChick back off at her place.
4:10 AM: While riding over the Ravenel Bridge (the bridge
that connects downtown Charleston to Mt. Pleasant) I get a call from
HotVampire. She wants to know what I'm
up to. I tell her I'm driving home. We talk all the way to my house. She's
getting clingy which I don't mind. If you were hooking up with her you wouldn't
mind either.
4:20 AM: I pull up in my parents driveway and walk in the
house with HotVampire still on the phone.
4:30 AM: I set my alarm clock for 7:45 AM and figure I'll
just use the shower at work to get the smell of fresh sex off of me.
7:45 AM: I wake up and amazingly don't have the usual groggy
feeling that accompanies being severely shorted on REM sleep. I throw on my
work clothes and head to work.
8:10 AM: Amazingly I'm not that late to work. I decide to
forego the shower since I have to vacuum anyway. First I need Starbucks to
counteract the the sleep deprevation.
8:30 AM: Vacuuming and Starbucks is definitely helping plus
I'm still riding the high that can only come from a casual drunken hook up.
10:00 AM: I call CadetBouncer to confirm working security at
this Irish Bar called Molly Darcy's. He confirms that the hours are from 8-2
and the pay is $100 a piece for me and 187 whom is working it with me.
10:05 AM: I call HotKorean to see if she still needs someone
to work the door at this bar called Roost. She says she'll call me back at
10:30 when she goes into work.
10:30 AM: No word back from HotKorean
11:00 AM: Still no word. I told 187 that I'd know by 10:30
so that he could tell ScubaJoe whom he was giving a ride too.
1:00 PM: TallGirl comes into work and I can clock out. Time
to do a quick workout so I don't have to feel completely guilty about all the
fermented calories I will soon be consuming.
1:10 PM: The fire alarm goes off in the gym. I do a quick
search of the up stairs areas like I'm Denis Leary in Rescue Me.
1:15 PM: Check complete. No fire. I'm disappointed. I really
wanted to use the fire extinguisher.
1:20 PM: I go back to working out while trying to ignore the
constant blaring of the fire alarm.
1:30 PM: I finish my workout and head upstairs to shower.
I'm giddy with joy at the prospect of getting my Irish on (the drinking part,
not the self loathing part).
1:40 PM: I throw down some Chinese food (I guess that means
I was getting my Chirish on?) and head out the door in my lucky green button
down. Leprachauns ain't got shit on me. I piss in their lucky charms.
2:00 PM: After walking 5 blocks in 80 degree weather (Yes,
In March. That's just Charleston) I finally arrive at DiveBar with the
intention of downing Guinness and of course bragging about railing
SicilianChick.
2:50 PM: Not only does this guy look like he'd be at home on
Swamp People, but he speaks just as coheremtly. However, he never yells out
"GETCHUM". However, he does give me a great idea for a depraved sex
act with HotVampire though.
2:55 PM: I text
HotVampire:
Frank: "Would you be down for fucking in a cemetary?"
Yea
I know I'm going to hell for that idea. What you don't know is thats where the
best tequila, marijuana, and pornstars go to as well. I'll take a bad bitch
over a good girl any day. Obviously HotVampire was caught out of left field
with that one. She brought up how disrespectful that could be to the dead:
Frank: "We'll just have to find the grave of a guy that was a huge
douchebag. Like a politician or a former slave owner or something."
She
seemed quite down for it after that. I instantly started thinking of names to
search for on wikipedia. I'm not going to say names but just know that if you
are a Charleston native and have a family fortune that stems from slave labor and
cotton exports then don"t be surpised if you find my jizz on your
grandfather's headstone.
3:15 PM: Eventually the conversation with SwampDude died off
and I went back to texting HotVampire about how her a day at work was going.
Given that she had to work on St. Patty's I realize now that this is probably a
dumb question.
3:20 PM: While texting I start talking to this married
couple and the conversation gets pretty insane. It goes on for a while. We talk
about everything from quantum entaglement to the higgs boson to the nature of
our current society to conspiracies that actually happened such as Operation
Northwoods and the Business Plot. If you dont know of any of these then you
seriously need to stop watching Fox News and jerking off to the thought of Tim
Tebow. Im not kidding, get on cracked.com and read "7 Scientific Theories
that Will Make Your Head Explode" and "7 Insane Conspiracy Theories
That Actually Happened". Try not to question everything you were ever told
after reading that shit.
4:30 PM: While shooting the shit with JoeTrooper and his
wife I got a text from HotVampire about how shitty her work day has been. My
response:
Frank: "You should pull a B-Rabbit, drop the mic, and
roll out."
She found this hysterical and Facebook worthy.
5:00 PM: I have been shooting the shit with SuperTrooper and
his wife, NYGirl, for almost 2 hours now and have come to 2 conclusions.
1. These people are cooler than Adam Sandler pissing his
pants.
2. I am not alone in how I think. I know a lot of people would
say me and Tucker Max are near clones of each other but they would be wrong. We
do share alot of the same views when it comes to women, drinking, being manly,
not to mention the whole reason i even got into writing was from reading his
books but that's where the similarities end. JoeTrooper on the other hand has
so many similarities with me. It was like quantum entanglement personified, and
no assholes that doesn't mean it was bromance.
5:30 PM: JoeTrooper and NYGirl inform me that they have
dinner reservations at Oak and i give them directions on how to get there. Me
and JoeTrooper exchange numbers before they roll on out. Seriously, some of the
coolest people I ever met. The fact that he was a soon to be state trooper
actually gave me some hope for cops. Ok, not really but i'd much rather have
him pull me over than the butch dyke cop from the "Frank Gets Pulled By
The Sheriff, Hilarity Ensues Story".
6:00 PM: I get into a debate with Baldy. Before i have to
say anything you have to know that Baldy is gay. Its not any sort of homophobia
on my part but it is a central matter in the debate of whether or not
HotVampire is hot enough to make him switch. Not that i am trying to make him
switch but whether her beauty is switch worthy. He is hesitant to admit it at
first but he eventually does. That's when you know the chick you are hooking up
with is a 10.
6:05 PM: Want to know what the flip side to such a debate
is? Appparently its whether or not i would be the pitcher or reciever if i were
HYPOTHETICALLY (I cant stress that part enough) in a monogamous homosexual
relationship. Goddamn you alcohol. How the fuck do you get me into these
conversations? Ok, I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to field this one.
Frank: (at a volume that would even be questionable in a gay
bar) "I WOULD DEFINITELY BE PITCHING"
Thanks alcohol, you douchebag....
6:09 PM: You know what exclaiming that you'd be the dom in a
homosexual relationship means? If you answer is anything other than time to
close your tab then I highly suggest watching The Birdcage. It will help you
come to terms with YOUR reality, i.e. jumping out of the closet.
Needless to say I am promptly stumbling down the street past
the the carriage tour buildings where they keep the horses at while making the
5 block trek back to the gym where my black button down for bouncing at Molly
Darcy's was.
6:30 PM: I slide my key card through the card reader and
walk into the gym to grab my bag. I decide that PBR and burritos would be good
for sobering up.
6:33 PM: I walk into Yo Burrito and take a seat at the bar.
I order a PBR (you know, to sober up) and a menu.
6:37 PM: I see someone very familiar walking up to the bar.
It's my uncle, Pianist (technically he isn't my uncle since he is in a common
law marriage to my aunt but he's been in one with her since I was 9 years old).
We haven't really talked in awhile since me and my aunt aren't exactly on
speaking terms ever since she lost her shit over one of my Facebook statuses
(word of advice: don't ever friend a family member on Facebook unless they look
eye to eye with you on everything). Me and Pianist got along fine though. We
talked for awhile about the drama with me and my aunt, DaddysGirl.
On the subject of
not seeeing eye to eye with my estranged
Aunt; DaddysGirl feels i should be a sheep while getting drunk to escape
reality while I prefer to be an individual and get drunk to enjoy reality. She
feels that I should apologize for being well, me. I think she needs to come to
terms with the fact that her father was an alcoholic on top of being a total
control freak and a narcissist. Her not accepting this has invariably led to
the proverbial apple not falling far from the vodka infused Sicilian tree. Like
i said, typical Catholic family. The Kennedy's ain't got shit on us (besides
the huge bank accounts of course).
7:00 PM: 187 calls me to get directions to the parking
garage that I told him to park in since I get a key card for free parking.
Besides, finding parking in downtown Charleston is a bitch.
7:05 PM: He pulls up
and I hop in his Dodge Ram. We shoot the shit about everything that has been
going in our lives including the drama I've been having with LeblancClone and
Boze i.e. how they recently showed their true color which is green (a 420
infused double pun on LeblancClone's part. I blaze too but I'd have be on Bob
Marley's level before I could come close to LeblancClone's THC levels).
187 talks about how he wants to do another cage fight since
he hasn't done one since raping (metaphorically) SimmonDouble's guy that trains
at FancyGym. He hasn't had one since he began to be managed by NaiveManager.
7:10 PM: 187 parks after multiple tries in the parking
garage. In his defense the parking in this garage is tight and can only be
rivaled by Sandusky parking his Ram into a rookie from pee wee leaugue.
7:15 PM: We walk back into Yo Burrito and I introduce 187 to
Pianist. We shoot the shit while taking a few shots of Fireball before we have
to head to Molly Darcy's.
7:40 PM: I dont know if its the sleep deprevation or the
fact that i have been bumming cigarettes since I started drinking at DiveBar
but i am seriously dragging ass while walking the 5 blocks back to Molly
Darcy's.
7:50 PM: We arrive at Molly Darcy's early. This is so not
like me. We walk up to the bouncer who has a head in the shape of a fire
hydrant. We tell him that CadetBouncer sent us. He lets us in and we find the
owner whom is just as shady as the owner of IrishfratBar plus about 250lbs. You
know that old guy in the bar that is a douchebag in every depressing and creepy
way possible? Say hello to FatOwner.
7:55 PM: We get set up in the back by the parking lot.
Usually when you have two guys that are well versed in hand to hand combat
you'd want them in the bar as floaters since they actually know how to well you
know? Restrain people without hurting them? It's not my bar and we get paid the
same regardless so fuck em'. I'll take easy money faster than Citi Bank getting
a bailout check from the Federal Reserve. All I can think about is how bad I
could use a red bull right about now, or 30. Now I can understand how sleep
deprevation is used as a form of torture. Shit is real yo.
8:00 PM: I realize we are just now officially on the clock.
FUCK. This is why i hate being early. It already puts me on someone else's
terms.
8:10 PM: One of the bartenders comes up to me. She looks
like a female leprachaun with her red hair, short stature, decent body, Irish
accent, and a face that looks its seen the ravages of chain smoking mixed with
being bashed in bashed in with a shovel about 50 times. I mean she was almost
attractive until she started giving me shit for texting on my phone. Sorry
sweet heart I'm doing security. I'm not one of your bitch bar backs. I figured
that McCunt was just showing the effects of working all day and serving drinks
to amateurs who suck at life. That could turn any woman into a bitch.
8:20 PM: This attractive chick comes up to talk to me but a
lack of sleep combined with a full day of drinking has my game about as on
point as Michael J. Fox trying to shoot a fly with a sniper rifle from a half
mile out. I talk her into getting me a red bull instead of talking her into letting
me stuff her meat clam.
8:25 PM: She comes back with the Red Bull as I'm dipping
some Skoal. That's how you you can tell when i'm in one of my apathetic moods.
I chug the red bull hoping that the filtered bull gall bladder (taurine) will
help get my game back up to my standards.
8:50 PM: HotBrunette comes back and asks me if I want
another Red Bull. I nod while commencing
my usualling courting ritual of making dead baby jokes to see if she is down to
fuck. She walks off giving me the assumption that she is going to bring me a
Red Bull and is down to fuck.
9:20 PM: It's pretty obvious now that said dead baby jokes
have proved that she is neither down to fuck nor is going to get me another red
bull. Ehh, if she cant laugh at those jokes then she would probably be a colder
fuck than a comatose Hilary Clinton anyway.
10:00 PM: DeliveryGuy shows up with this HOT female friend
of his along with LilBoi (which is total irony since he is like 350lbs and
6'4). Not only is she smoking hot but she is incredibly smart. The conversation
I have with her is on par with the conversation I had with JoeTrooper and
NYGirl. I didn't know if she was hooking up with DeliveryGuy or not so I
resisted the urge to ask for her number. I may hook up with some douchebag's
girlfriend but not a friends' girl (PepperidgeFarmGirl was a drunken horny
mishap).
10:15 PM: I get a text from an old high school buddy of mine
that is in town, UncleFester. He wants to know where I'm at and I tell him to
come to Molly Darcy's.
10:30 PM: UncleFester pulls up and we shoot the shit. He
tells me about being in town for a mutual friend's wedding (well former friend
on my part. Like i said, Im an asshole).
11:00 PM: One of the other bouncers, BrownHair, comes up to
ask me if I want to switch off on the front gate. I'm not particularly fond of
the idea because that means I would have to check IDs which means that sooner
or later some douchebag would eventually try to bring someone in with a fake id
that Stevie Wonder could pick out of a line up. Said douche bag would know said
douche bag owner that would let them in while said douchebag can continue to
act like well a douchebag. Molly Darcy's is no different. Especially with
FatOwner.
11:30 PM: 187 joins me at the gate and we spend the next
hour shooting the shit while checking ID's and explaing to would be customers
how DiveBar is way more fun while not charging a $5 cover. Im working their to
babysit frat boys and sorostitutes. Not advertise for these McFucks.
12:30 AM I'm inside floating around when McCunt comes out of
nowhere like a slutty drunken Irish ninja and starts grabbing me by my shirt to
drag me outside like my name is Toby (or is it Esa Kunta Kente?). What the fuck
is with this bitch? I mean I've dealt with some crazy stupid bitches in my life
but started wonder if I might have to plug McCunt with some hollow tipped
silver bullets filled with garlic.
12:31 AM: I follow McCunt out to the back of the building
and out to the side street to find some roided up biker looking Ginger laid the
FUCK OUT. Apparently St. Patty's isn't an awesome holiday for every Ginger
after all. Especially ones that decided he wants to get froggy and talk shit to
a legit thug/OG (ish individual).
12:33 AM: RoidGinger comes to. He still wants to get froggy
but sadly the OG rolled out leaving him without a playmate. RoidGinger is not
happy. McCunt ushers him off before he does something stupid besides the
already aformentioned getting laid the fuck out and yes that means a 6'3 250 lb
muscled up ginger was being strong armed by a 5'4 140 lb female ginger
leprachaun.
12:38 AM: As I am tending to this other Ginger (I'm telling
you, us fuckers are everywhere) who experienced some blunt force trauma to the
back of her head while trying to break up the fight with an ice pack the police
show up. They have a look of confusion on their face. Then again the City of
Charleston police probably get confused by the concept of Tetris.
12:45 AM: After asking OtherGinger a shit load of questions
since they couldnt seem to understand the concept of "the big roided
Ginger went that way with the slutty looking leprachaun" they finally went
in the direction that we were both pointing. Seriously this is the same
department that failed to follow up on leads that could have easily found my
friend who got murdered's body, Kate Waring, and not only did they not find her
body but they then proceeded to "detain" the private investigators
who did find it while proceeding to actually wash away evidence from the bath
tub that they used drowned my friend in (in a suitcase of all things) This is
after they talked her into getting into a suitcase before zapping her with a
taser and beating her unconscious with a wine bottle. This actually has made it
so that the two responsible, Heather Kamp and Ethan Mack, will more than likely
(barring them catching some terminal illness which I totally hope happens to
them) see the outside of a prison one day. Seriously when the State Solicitor
that is as much of a hard ass as Scarlett Wilson can't get a life sentence on a
case that should have been a total slam dunk like this then you know that the
ENTIRE police force in your town is completely incompetent at their jobs
including Chief Mullen. Seriously watch the episode of Dateline on NBC titled
"Stranger on a Train". Fuck you City of Charleston Police Department
and your St. Leo University or whatever fucking piece of shit online degrees
that you have. If you are reading this FreshBerry then please don't be like
them.
1:00 AM: I am back inside the bar when a guy I know brings
me a shot. Don't mind if I do. Technically we "aren't allowed" to
drink on the clock but I care about as much about FatOwner and his shitty paddy
spud McMinions as much as the Black and Tans did.
1:15 AM: I am out back shooting the breeze with UncleFester
along with his brother and melato looking buddy from Vegas. Melato wouldn't
shut up about wanting to get pussy? Hey here is a thought; maybe attempting to
talk to a girl might actually help you get laid instead of just talking about
wanting it? I would have told him this but I was talking to UncleFester and
scoping out the scene for girls to talk to and offend in order to you know?
"Woo" them into having sex with me.
1:20 AM: MassTrick shows up right as CreepyMelato keeps
talking about how his life sucks or something. The look on his face as she
jumps in my arms lets him realize I know a thing or two about what I'm talking
about since he probably figured out that my cock has been in her orifaces along
with probably 20% of Boston's male populations that are of reproductive age but
thats another story entirely.
1:35 AM: MassTrick tells me how she got jumped outside of
this dive bar called The Recovery Room. Just think of DiveBar but with way more
hipsters and you'll get the idea. FunGinger (according to her) gets free shots
for flashing her tits whenever she wants one.
MassTrick
getting jumped isn't too surprising considering that when she gets drunk she
can have enough vinegar in her blood to make Wanderlei Silva blink during a
staredown. Apparently she got jumped by 2 girls and 1 guy to which she showed
me her scraped shoulders and bruised forehead. Seriously she looked like the
end result of cracking rascist jokes in Harlem.
1:40 AM: MassTrick and her friends rolled out.
1:45 AM: Me and 187 start telling all the drunken customers
who can handle their liquor about as well Haiti can handle an eartquake to
close their tabs. The other bouncers wait for permission from the bartenders to
kick everyone out.
1:56 AM: This one tall FratDouche won't leave even as
FatOwner and his peons attempt to push him out the door. I decide that I'll be
a nice guy by grabbing ahold of the guy and directing him towards the gate even
as he is dropping F-bombs like he is Samuel L. Jackson in order help out.
WHAAAAACKKKKK!!!!!!...........
What the fuck? I felt something hit me in the head from my
blindside. I suddenly realize that whatever hit my head felt consistent with
getting hit bare knuck.
OHH HEEEEELLLLLLLLL NAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!
I look around for that little frat fucker who threw tne
sucker punch and see some dude that looks like Vic Mackey from The Shield
pulling his fast back. Target Acquired.
POOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
I caught him square on the chin but unfortanetly I couldn't
get my hip and shoulder as into it as I would have liked due the a couple of
guys stuck in between me and him. If it wasn't that then it would have been a
one hitta quitta. However, it still rocked him pretty well on top ROYALLY
pissing of his other frat buddies who tried coming at me as all of FatOwners as
the bouncers slammed the gate on them. The still tried to reach at me through
the gate like it was episode of The Walking Dead minus zombies plus frat
douches. I was tempted to charge them like Leonidas but realized the odds would
have been 5 to 1 in their favor. I'm crazy, not Johnny Knocksville from
Jackass. It was like when Ron White talks about being thrown out of a bar in
New York City and the bouncers squared up with him, "I don't know how many
of them it would have taken to kick my ass, but I knew how many they were
planning to use." Reverse the roles of douche bag bouncers with douchebag
frat boys and Ron White with me bouncing. You get the idea.
The employees started getting all nervous that they would
come through the back door so they locked the back door as well. Good idea.
2:05 AM: After Frat Pack finally figured out that they
werent going to get past the gates to commence Operation: Assault-a-Ginger they
resorted back to where they came from (more than likely some dumb sorostitutes
fox hole while chugging shitty keg beer). I atleast remember the Vic Mackey
looking dude's face so when I run into him I can talk him into throwing the
first punch so that I royally (and legally) fuckstart his face.
2:08 AM: Since I didn't hit him right my hand was a little sore
so I grabbed a bag and filled it with ice for my hand.
2:10 AM: I go up to FatOwner and talk to him about getting
paid. He says to go talk to the owner McDouche.
2:12 AM: I find McDouche outside by the front patio and talk
to him about getting paid.
Frank: "So the pay is $100 a piece for me and my guy
(187)"
McDouche: (in his thick Irish accent) "Well the pay is
$90"
Frank: "Ummm no CadetBouncer told is $100 a
piece."
McDouche: "Well you worked from 8-2 so the pay is
$90."
Frank: " Ummm no I agreed on $100 so I need $100 for me
and my guy."
McDouche: (getting visibly aggravated that I won't bow to
his stupid spud choking ass) "Well if that is how you are going to be then
you won"t work here again."
Frank: "I don't give a fuck if I don't work here again.
Go get my fucking money."
McDouche got all pissed off like a collection agency
representative after realizing that their attempts at intimidating a ginger are
futile. I walk back inside and thats when McCunt wants to put her two cents in.
McCunt: "You shouldn't have it that guy."
Frank: "He hit me first."
McCunt: "I don't care, you're a bouncer and suppose to
get hit. You shouldn't have hit him."
Yea she really said that. I don't know if it was all the
bullshit I had to deal with from all my years bouncing at IrishfratBar. I don't
know if was the fact that at this point I had been awake for two days on three
hours of sleep. I don't if it was just how retarded and ignorant all these mic
bastards were treating me or the fact that I had been sucker punched which
amazingly was a first for me but whatever it was it inititiated a full on
Ginger Meltdown and there was about to be some Ginger-on-Ginger crime up in
this bitch.
Frank: "Ummm did you not hear the part where I said he
hit me first you dumb bitch? Why don't I punch you in the face and see how well
you take it."
McCunt: (face getting visbily redder than her hair)
"What did you call me?"
Frank: "I called you a dumb bitch you dumb bitch."
What happens when you put an Irish Lassie that is about as
attractive to my dick as a fire ant mound in her place? Yep you guessed it, a
full on Ginger Meltdown on her part. All the full time employees freaked the
fuck out like I just explained to them how the potato famine was so stupid
since they live on a island surrouned by water which has like fish and other
sources of nourishment in it. Then again I'm an American and have easy access
to meat so I don't have rely on Guinness and chain smoking to keep on trucking.
2:20 AM: McCunt starts telling me I need to leave and I
inform her that I'm not leaving until I get paid in full. They get more
insistant on me leaving so I start reasserting my stance while using my new
favorite term for douchebah employers who take adavantage of the fact that
South Carolina is a "right to hire" state in the for of "labor
board". This obviously scared them as they called on the bouncers to make
me leave. Usually I would stand on my ground but the odds were only slightly
more in my favor in the form of 4-1. I decide that it might be a good idea if I
step outside.
2:35 AM: I step outside by the backdoor but I don't walk off
the property. I'm not doing that till I get paid. CadetBouncer told me that
they would try to fuck me when he stopped by (great timing by the way ;-/).
2:36 AM: McCunt steps out and starts cussing me out while
telling me to leave like the slutty green leprachaun that she is.
2:37 AM: 187 comes out saying that he has the money.
Frank: "Did the give you $200."
187: "Yep."
Frank: (Turning around to look at McCunt while throwing the
bag of ice that is was using on my hand "B-Rabbit dropping the mic and
rolling out"-style) "LATER YOU DUMB CUNT."
Game. Set. Match McCunt. I owned her paddy ass like the
S.A.S. (Great Britain's Special Forces equivalent of the Navy Seals) would
handle the I.R.A. I didn't even look back. Just walked off like I was
personifying the lyrics from a David Banner joint.
3:00 AM: After walking back to the parking garage to get
187's Dodge along with his girlfriend and her friend we try figure out how to
back out and pull of a 3-point turn in the parking garage since it's more
packed than an African Slave Ship.
3:02 AM: Success.....
3:04 AM: 187 drops me back off by the gym and head in to
plug my phone into my charger since it is about to be deader than John F.
Kennedy. Im starving so I decide that a pulled pork bbq pita from Pita Pit will
do the trick.
3:10 AM: I walk by this bar called Boone's and see BigG
inside cleaning up. I knock on the glass until he opens up so I can tell him about
how awesome my St. Patty's was.
3:15 AM: I walk up to the door at Pita Pit and its locked
but the blonde working there realizes that im not some drunk douchey frat boy.
She lets me in.
3:23 AM: While waiting in line I see this old black dude
standing by the desk with a cowboy hat. I start shooting the shit with him
because as we all know there is nothing more mystical than old black man. Kind
of like Samuel L. Jackson from the Star Wars movies only if he hadn't been
killed off and lived on to help Obi-Wan Kenobi to teach Luke Skywalker the ways
of the force while being played by Morgan Freeman. WHY GEORGE LUCAS? WHY? Maybe
it would have to be Richard Roundtree since he was more famous in the 70's.
Seriously how awesome would Shaft be with a light saber?
I tell him
about my St. Patty's and he already has a shocked by the time I tell him about
railing SicilianChick on the roof top. You know your life is awesome when you
can shock a mystical old black man. Old white man would just shake their head
and give me looks of condescension. Fuck dem haterz. I could care less about
how far you walked in the snow in July to buy fireworks.
3:30 AM: I am out the door with my Pita. I am content.
3:31 AM: I walk by some YOUNG looking dudes. I notice blood
streaking down his back as I walk back. Since even an asshole like me does have
some compassion I ask him what happened. They tell me some dude sucker punched
him and that the back of his head hit the sidewalk on the way down. Having
recently been sucker punched myself on top of my experience with concussions I
realize this could be serious. Head injuries are no joke. My assertion is
further re-enforced as I notice the blood splatter on the walk way of this
store.
3:35 AM: I walk into this pizza place called Gilroy's and
get a bag of ice for CharlotteKid's head.
3:37 AM: I walk back out to CharlotteKid and place ice on
the back of his head while convincing him the he needs to go to the hospital.
3:45 AM: CharlotteKid's sister pulls up and they assure me
that they will go to the hospital as they hop in her car to drive off.
3:50 AM: I walk into the gym to check the charge on my phone
as I consume the awesomness of the pulled pork bbq combining with the pickles,
barbeque sauce, and cheddar is off the hook. Or maybe that's just the sleep
deprevation.
4:05 AM: I grab my back pack and head home. I've had enough
Irish for one day.
I think I might
have pushed the limits of Gingerism on our races greatest day. Lets do a quick
check to see. Feel free to compare yours to mine. You might have outdone me. I
don't really care. Just saying this one should definitely stack up there:
1. Hooked up with SicilianChick on a roof top.
2. Had a walk of shame in a gym that turned into a
conversation on quantum physics, black holes, and the nature of existence.
3. Slept for 3 hours.
4. Worked a full shift.
5. Got a full workout in.
6. Poured a constant stream of alcohol down my throat for 6
hours not counting the drinking I did that morning and that night at Molly
Darcy's.
7. Shot the shit with cool and interesting people that
definitely expanded my horizons.
8. Got sucker punched and upon punching the guy back nearly
started a brawl that pissed off a bunch of frat douches.
9. Put a couple dirty mic's in their places for trying to
fuck me over on my pay on top of trying to treat like a 6 year old kid in a
Chinese sweat shop.
10. Still got paid in full while pissing in McCunt's lucky
charms.
11. Potentially helped to save CharlotteKid's life.
12. Pulled Pork BBQ Pit from Pita Pit. Yummy.
Bricktop was right. Nemesis is an 'orrible cunt. Especially
when its a Ginger like me.
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