Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Girl with Fake ID Loves ATM, Really Loves to Brag About It.

Occurred: June 2005          

 I started bouncing for 5 reasons: girls, fights, money, alcohol, and girls. 5 reasons. So its no big surprise that a 21 year old with no game, at that point, would be weak in front of pussy, especially good looking pussy. I’m usually really strict when it comes to ID’s, I kinda get a kick out of it because honestly I like being an asshole on the job, but even I am not perfect. Sometimes moments of imperfection can lead to moments of greatness. Here’s why:

Back in 2005 I started working at this college bar and it was THE place to go to if you were underage, ask the owner why.  The flow of people coming through the place this night was pretty much run of the mill for this bar, i.e whores and douches, and then this one girl came up to the door that caught my eye. She had brunette hair with with a pretty face, kinda like Renee Zellwegger except it didn’t look like it had been beaten with a shovel as much. Her body was pretty nice, had great DSL (Dick Sucking Lips), tits were passable (a decent size B cup), but what sold me on her was her ass. Now I’m usually a tit guy, and usually my only requirement for fucking a women is for her boobs to come out further than her stomach and to have all her teeth, so basically 90% of all women in Alabama trailer parks, but this girl had an ass on her that blew me away. Ever hear the saying “White women with a black ass”? Well this girl should be on a billboard doing the “black girl booty dance”. It just poked out like Mount Everest does over the Himilayan Mountains and was just as majesctic. I’m not much for rim jobs but this is a girl I could make an exception for.

She came up to me, ID in hand, and had already commenced eye fucking me. Usually when a girl starts doing this then it means:
A. she has a fake ID 
B.  she is a whore
C. Both.

Her ID was pretty close but the hologram was off, a dead give away for a fake, so I turned her down at first but then she gave me that innocent puppy eye look that makes most guys get pulled into relationships and feel bad when they are winning an argument with their girlfriends. For whatever reason, I think it was her ass, I let her slide after she gave me that look. That’s the kind of look you want to get from a chick while she is giving you a spit shine on your balls. I didn’t really think much of it for the rest of the night until it was time to kick everybody out, my favorite time of the night, and that’s when she came up to me. She started hugging on me, which wasn’t strange in itself because everyone wants to hug a ginger grizzly bear,  but she kept hanging on to me even when I was trying to walk around to get all the drunken frat boys and sorority whores out of the bar. I felt the same way that I imagine pimps feel when their prostitutes starting bugging them for money so they can go buy meth. However, she was hot enough for me not to mind while she was dry humping my leg.  I think the rockstar-coke bar next door could smelled her getting wet through the brick wall.

Once I had gotten all the kids off on their merry way I had to do what really pissed me off about working at this bar, taking out the trash. Since I thought that I might be finger banging this girl at some point in the night, I didn’t want to risk her getting herpes from saliva residue off of my fingers, that I tracked from some used beer bottles, even though she probably had HPV like all girls over the age of 18 probably have (sorry ladies, you’re not special contrary to what you’re mommy and daddy told you in Toys’r’us). I got the trash done pretty quick as my dick was starting to salivate (yes ladies, guys get wet too) and I made my way out the door with ATMgirl. We made our way to the “headquarters” for the guys that ride the rickshaws around town. Ever wonder what happens when a hipster decides he wants to get in the transport business? He gets a job riding rickshaws around town, which is entertaining to watch, especially when they have to transport a group of fat, over-priviliged rich girls.  This hipster-biker headquarters was known around Charleston as The Shed. I don’t remember much about being there except for a few key details.

1.                          ATMgirl was sitting in my lap which isn’t much on its own but the fact that she was laying out on me like a stripper that is giving a lap dance and wanting a tip.

2.                          She was grinding her white choclate thunder ass on my dick to the point that it had me making her dress touching the inside of her rectum

3.                          She kept grinding…..

4.                          She was reaching back and tickling my neck which had me melted like a snow cone Mexican sweatshop

This went on for about 10 minutes while she was drinking her light beer or whatever else it is that self conscious, insecure sorority bitches drink. Afterwards I drove her back to her place and by this point I was worrying if I was going to pull a Jason Biggs and blow my load if she touched my leg.  I started thinking about what Missy Elliot would look like in a threesome with Barbara Walters and the crazy chick that threw cats in the Simpsons and eventually got myself back in check. We pulled up to her place and I was deciding whether to start kissing her neck before we got through her door or be smooth and wait till we got inside. What happened next is something that nearly shattered my confidence in my abilities and was making me consider buying dick growing pills.

ATMgirl: “I had a great night but I think I am going to go to bed.”

Frank: “Already?”

ATMgirl: “Yeah but take my number so you can call me.”

I didn’t get to fuck her that night but I still had hope, I called her the next day and we decided to go out the following night. That night I decided I couldn’t be too on edge because the thought of me not fucking her would make me want to go rape a crocodile in order to reclaim my manhood, so I decided to stop by my favorite restaurant, Mama Kim’s (seriously get the chicken bowl), and down a couple beers. That got me laid back enough for game time, which I rode too while I was blasting Papa Roach’s “Last Resort”. I knock on the door and her roommate who I went to high school with, she was one of those condescending bitches that comes off as sweet as can be but claims that you are baby rapist behind your back. As I walk in I notice that there are already two mimosas on the table and she tells me she is getting ready from her bedroom. As I sit on the coach and watch MTV (it wasn’t Lifetime network so I didn’t play Russian Roulette with a clip) she came out even looking hotter than a couple nights prior, and sober.

We head out to this pizza place called Andolini’s which I had never been too before. All I knew was that the lady that owned the place always wore a tye dye shirt with a car to match, seriously it was a Honda Accord with a tye dye paint job, and she was a real nice lady with a popular pizza restaurant. We arrive there and ATMgirl orders a pitcher, (I knew she had potential) and we talk about whatever she wanted to talk about (all girls do). The conversation wasn’t half that bad and she mentioned she use to do Judo which was pretty sweet since I was doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. This girl actually seemed to have a brain  and a personality on her. We talked some more until the pizza came, which was awesome by the way, and we made our way to this putt-putt place down the street. As we walked in there I leaned in to make my move and kiss her but she leaned back (nearly crushing all my confidence that I had built up to that point). I was thinking that I had completely misread her and that this was just a normal first date, and that she thought she had gold in between her legs. HAHA!! Boy was I naïve.

We headed back to her place and walked into her apartment to which things took an unexpected, and a well played on her part, course. She made some more mimosas, she loved those damn things. The plan was to head to O’Malley’s in order to have some more drinks, and see what happens. I was fine with that but as we laid on the couch she started rubbing the inside of my thigh which initiated my response of rubbing the inside her thigh and it went from there.  Next thing I know we are ripping each other’s clothes off, and running to her bedroom, so her roommate down the hall would see my pale, hairy ginger ass. We have pretty good sex except she didn’t wait for me to get off, selfish bitch, and we decide to head to the bar.

When we get to the bar it is pretty obvious that everyone I work with has figured out what is going on. Where most people would handle this like a walk of shame, I handle it like I’m on the red carpet. I walk in with the biggest shit eating grin on my face while grabbing her ass in front of everybody much to the jeer of the of the preps in the polo shirts and particularly the bar manager at the time who hated me like I had a herpes outbreak on prom night. I started downing beers and vodka kamikazes like I was on a mission and she was out drinking me. Ever watch an Anderson Silva fight and you feel bad for his opponents because they are giving everything they have to just keep from getting sent to la-la land and Silva just knocks them out while moon walking? Well I was Forrest Griffin. She was getting drunk but no matter how drunk she got, she was able to keep going like a trooper. It was like watching a Winston Churchill speech in all its slurring, inspiring glory. I was thinking I might be in love (silly, naïve me).

By 12:30 I was pretty hammered and she was starting to show the effects of making me look like a bitch in the binge drinking department. I was ready to go at this point before I ended up projectile vomiting on one the booths that the frat boys were sitting in. She had the bright idea of driving (did I mention she was funny?), I offered to hold her purse and when she took me up on it I pick pocketed her keys. We walked to the parking lot behind the bar and that’s when I informed her of the location of her car keys. She got pissed for a second and wanted to walk back to the bar. I was not very fond of this idea so I picked her up and lifted her over my shoulders, pretty funny since she didn’t have any panties on, put her in HER car and strapped her seat belt. She looked at me with a mix of amazement and fear out of my authoritarian attitude over her idea of transport to her house. Guys, women like a man that is going to put their foot down, even if they say they don’t like it (that the world of women for you).

The drive back to her place was amazingly uneventful given the fact that I was probably three times over the legal limit and having to talk to ATMgirl about some sorority drama or whatever was getting her panties in a twist. We get back to her place when the full gravity of how drunk I was sets in. Usually all that is required to unlock a dead-bolt lock is to insert the key and turn, sometimes spray some WD-40 on it if it’s old (it’s the south, that’s how you fix shit). It took a full 45 minutes to unlock her door and it happened in this sequence:

1.      5 minutes to make it from her car to her door with her in tow
2.      3 minutes to find the door knob
3.      22 minutes to get the key in the hole
4.      10 minutes to turn the key
5.      5 minutes to open the door

When we got into her bed I was ready to pass out, she had other ideas. She pulled me on top of her and given the fact that only had my boxers on those came off pretty quick as I started fingering her. As I was making a speed bag out her g-spot I started wonder if she would be able to handle the shocker. For those who have never watched internet porn before, the shocker is where you take your middle and index fingers and finger the vagina while using your pinky to finger her ass. It’s a good test to see if a girl is going to be into anal and in this case it passed the test. Next thing I knew I was up her poop shoot faster than tiger blood up Charlie Sheen’s nose. This was my first time fucking a girl in the ass, trailer park mom wasn’t full insertion, and it was everything I expected, very tight and spongy, and I’ll never forget what she yelled:


That statement had me about to erupt like Mount St. Helens and I remembered about her not letting me get off so I did the only think that made sense. She got some of my love milk right up in the porthole and she immediately ran to the shower. I was so proud of myself, I had done something that I had only seen on and I patted myself on the back. We fucked a few more times that night and on the third go around it happened: I was in the middle of fucking her in the ass again when she shot forward, wrapped her lips around my dick, and started sucking like she was trying to get a job, boy was I dead on with that one which I will get to in a second. We did 69, which sucked because I can smell the aftermath of my rampage on her brown eye. We never even went to sleep that night and ended up fucking till the sun came up.

            After one of our fuck sessions she mentions how she is a nymphomaniac and that she wanted to work at the bar that I was bouncing at. Some red flags should have gone up right there but I was still a naïve 21 year old that had only lost his virginity 2 years prior. I really thought she was still a sweet girl that had genuine feelings for me. I REALLY DID.  She would still use that puppy dog look to repel any of my doubts and keep me wrapped around her finger. After all this I went and laid on the couch and ended up napping for about 20 minutes but was woken up to the sight of her roommate staring at me with look of horror on her face. Allow me to backtrack a little bit, when I passed out I was only wearing my boxers. They are the type of boxers that have the slit in the front so you can whip your wang out when you have to drain out 5 coors lights at once. Well as she walked in she got a clear look right at my dick and his two bulky friends and throw in the fact that she was a virgin, a clueless one at that, and the condescending look of shame on her look had turned into, by that point, made all the sense in the world.

            A few days went by and I didn’t hear from her which was to be expected, I probably did force some unwanted scrutiny on her part for the debauchery of a few nights prior. I was at work checking IDs when these two frat boys walked up and started looking at me like they recognized me. I just thought it was from being in Charleston, everybody knows everybody, and then:

Frat boy 1: “Dude, you’re that guy?”
Frank: (with a confused look) “Huh?”
Frat boy 2: “Yea you’re the one that fucked [ATMgirl] in the ass.”
Frank: “Yea that’s me.”
Frat boy 1: “Did she really do ass to mouth on you?”
Frank: (with an increasingly confused look) “Yes she did.”
Frat Boy 1: “OMG everyone on campus is talking about that shit.”
Frat Boy 2: “Yea dude that shit is crazy.”
Frank: (confused look has turned into an eyes wide-opened WTF look) “How?”
Frat Boy 1: “Dude she has been telling everybody.”


It finally all made sense why she was so enthusiastic about fucking me. Here is something you have to understand about women. They are all about status and their position in society. This girl had used me, in the best way possible, to raise her status amongst her sorority sisters and what was huge for raising her status at the College of Charleston? Apparently fucking a bouncer at a college bar, taking it up the poop shoot, and licking the fecal residue off my dick. And it was a symbiotic sort of raise in status. She got popular off of my dick, and I got popular off of her massaging my dick with her rectum.

Now what happened after this? Did we start dating and being known around town as the ATM couple? Did I go over by her place for a few more booty calls? Did we end up being friends? None of the above. We had an argument and I told her she was a stupid cunt and that was about the last I had heard from her. I’m pretty sure she spent the next 3 years at CofC fucking every  male on the school roster to piss me off. You are all welcome by the way. Apparently a drunken night of debauchery with sodomy is fine, but calling her the C word is a deal breaker.

A couple years later I was hanging out with a few of my buddies; DJMike, HotJew, and HotHindu watching the NFC Championship, it was the Eagles and Cardinals that year. As I was s shoveling a salad into my mouth we somehow got into a conversation that led into talking about ATMgirl. This is what I remember of the conversation:

HotJew: “OMG, you fucked [ATMgirl}?”

Frank: “Yea, in the ass, I think I turned her into a whore.”

HotHindu: “Wow”

HotJew: “Omg, I know two guys that fucked her, she’s fucked every guy in their dorm”

Frank: (with an unsurprised look) “Yep she turned into a whore”

So what did I learn from all this? That no matter how good a man’s game is, they are still playing on a women’s Nintendo, the reset button can be hit at any time, and a new cartridge can be put into the happy, fun box. Still no matter how many guys play Donkey Kong at the local arcade everyone will remember the initials of who holds the high score. That’s why I wish I had tried talking her into getting a tattoo with my initials, F.A.W., so that I would always have that trump card. No matter who hooked up with her, they would know who set the bar. Should I have let her in with a fake ID? No. Did it make me the ire of all the frat boys in town while also blowing up in her face? Yes. It’s like Makiavelli said, “The end justifies the means.”

Side Note:
            This is the first story I wrote for this book and since I started I have been having to get in touch with people that are in my stories and ask if I am allowed to use their real name or not. This is an email on Facebook between ATMgirl and myself:

Frank Waszut: Sent 3:39am March 3rd, 2011: “I’m writing a book and you’re gonna to be in it…I won’t be using your name tho…”

ATMgirl: received 10:49am March 3rd, 2011: “We have nothing to do with each other. Please don’t contact me again.”

Be nice to a whore and she will take it up the ass, be mean and they will wash you away in the same manner do with unplanned pregnancies.

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