Thursday, August 8, 2013

Frank Scares an MMA School, Hilarity Ensues

Occurred-August 2009-present
When I started training Gracie Jiu-Jitsu under my instructor/buddy LeblancClone and Relson Gracie I did it out of a passion for knowledge. I did want to eventually compete in MMA, get paid to punch, kick, choke, knee, elbow, armbar, etc., people but money was never my main motivation. Amazing as its going to sounds, especially coming from me, my main motivation to fight was honor. Yes a possibly alcoholic, man-whore, that looks like a match stick believes in honor. I got into MMA for a higher purpose, finding myself and improving my life as well as give BBDebutant a reason to not get AS annoyed with me.

I can’t say the same for other “fighters” and “schools” in Charleston. You see there are 3 types of people that get involved in fighting:

1.      Ones that do it in the pursuit of knowledge to defend one’s self and those around him (Me/Relson Gracie/LeblancClone)

2.      Ones that want to hurt people (Tank Abbott)

3.      Ones that want to be popular/get laid and can’t find any other way of doing it because they have no game (SimmonsDouble, SimmonsMiniMe, pretty much anyone at FancyGym)

I OBVIOUSLY fell into category number 1. Now don’t get me wrong money, fame, girls are possible consequences of professional fighting, however when learning martial arts my suggestion, unbiased, is to start in Gracie Jiu-Jitsu especially under Relson Gracie if you are lucky enough to leave near one of his or his blackbelts academies (Tucker Max trains under Phil Cardella (Relson Gracie Blackbelt/WEC fighter) out in Austin, TX so feel free to email him and ask what he thinks. Basically when you train under a Gracie you are part of a family and I can go on and on (which I probably will depending on how many stories go into this book) about all the stories of hanging with Relson. Let’s just say when Relson comes to town everybody that trains at the academy drops what they are doing and comes to his seminar and we usually head out for sushi and drinks after where usually lots of hilarity ensues. Its like the Godfather comes to town and all the “lieutenants” show him around but without all the authoritarian high school shit you’d have if you were hanging out with Citadel cadets or something. We have a good time and just shoot the shit. Relson is undoubtedly more awesome than I can ever dream to be and here is why:

-has had over 200 street fights and has never been hit in the face

-was undefeated in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu competitions for 22 years before his father, Helio Gracie (founder of Gracie Jiu-Jitsu asked him to step aside and let his younger brother, Rickson Gracie, take over and fight Rei Zulu which was a fight that is still legendary in Brazil and Rickson whooped Zulu’s ass by the way)

- said the absolute most intelligeint thing when asked about his strategy in a fight, “Don’t get hit in the face, stay pretty.”

-has pulled more pussy than I can ever imagine with nothing more than simple G.A.M.E.

-anyone that teaches/trains Brazilian/Gracie Jiu-Jitsu can trace their lineage to Relson’s Father, Helio (RIP), which either goes through Relson or his brother Rorion (mastermind of UFC 1)

Some fighters/trainers have to blow up and exaggerate their credentials, I just stick to the facts (the truth is so much better than fiction). The guy I train under is basically the Obi-Wan Kenobi of badasses and his father was Yoda. LeblancClone, PotbellyJesus, myself are like the Skywalkers of this bad ass family, and everyone else is part of our real life, bad ass, Jedi Council of Charleston. Now this wouldn’t be a funny story by itself if I just boasted and bragged about Relson for pages on end (besides his credentials speak for themselves). Every good guy needs a foil, nemesis, enemy, etc. Even if you aren’t looking for enemies in life there will come a point where you find out where your loyalties stand and which side of the fence you land on. This story is about my beef with such nemesis (LeblanceClone never had a beef with these guys, because, unlike me, he is a genuine nice guy whom is like a big brother to me).

This nemesis, SimmonsGayDouble (Simsdouble), is the perfect foil. Why does he have such an alias (besides that he is the kind of “girly-man” that hides behind the cops when someone tries to put him in his place with words since he is too much of pussy to actually fight anybody or even spar with his own students, hear say)? It stemmed from a debate I was having with one of his students on Facebook about how he sucks at life, Simsdouble not him (AFWrestler), and how my school at the time was in his words, unprofessional. As you will see that’s like a porn star telling a stripper to not wear clear heels because they look too slutty. He asked me what my problem was with Simsdouble and my response, “He looks like he does stunts for Richard Simmons in gay movies.” That was a play off  of Dave Chappelle’s skit “The Player Haters Ball” where Buc Nasty (Charlie Murphy) referred to

Beatiful with a similar statement (replace Richard Simmons with  Little Richard and you get the idea) and it made AFWrestler flip his shit. I literally think the sound of his panties scrunching could be heard all the way in Sullivan’s Island. “Frank, Really?” Those are the only words I remember being said. The only other thing I remember coming from him was estrogen and desperation.
Conversations like this would drive SimsDouble nuts and making him desperate to save face for his brainwashed students and protect his trust fun. Oh yea did I mention that? He’s a trust fund baby, the word around town is that his parents own a chain of fast food restaurants for a popular franchise and he started an MMA school (FancyGym) with mommy and daddy’s money. Now I’m not completely innocent in that respect, because Papa Frank had a HUGE part, in helping me get my MMA school, Exact Impact MMA, up and running. The difference? PapaFrank and I did it with sweat and alcohol (more on his part than mine since I was in training for fights that I had coming up) and

SIMMONSDOUBLE did it with trust fund money that he paid construction/migrant workers with. His school looked like a great facility with a cage, heavy bags, grappling mats and approximately 5,200 square feet that would be great place to take your kid for karate lessons. On the other hand mine looked like a dungeon from SAW with jigsaw mats and heavy bags on one side which was the “Muay Thai area” and the other side was all padded grappling mats that I had on loan from LeblancClone which was our “Jiu Jitsu area”, and some weights and a weight bench that was our “Strength and Conditioning area”. There was no AC or heat, the roof leaked when it rained, when it was summer it will be like a dutch oven and in the winter it was like a ice box with no jager. And I, along with the guys that actually wanted to be GOOD fighters, would put ourselves through training that would have made King Leonidas blush.

That’s another thing about a lot fighters, a lot of them have the mentality that a cage fight is going to be like a boxing match or a martial arts movie. Then there are the other kind that look at it for what it really is, life or death. A lot of fighters actually don’t realize that when they are walking into a cage to fight a human being that they are actually going in there to FIGHT another human being, They look at it like it’s a basketball or football game, I look at it the someone is trying to take my head off and break my arm. I fight accordingly.

SIMMONSDOUBLE’s gym was run on money and sensationalism, mine was based of competency. Just like how LeblancClown ran his schools where he trained me in. The funny thing is that most of these schools are run by guys that use to train under LeblancClone including SIMMONSDOUBLE and BlowBacca. And there weren’t even THAT good. SIMMONSDOUBLE was a krav maga instructor who was as interested in getting into a fight as he was in losing a cent. Yes, he runs a mixed martial arts school, is talked about around Charleston like he is a bad ass and is afraid of fighting people, at least me anyway. Yet he goes around town talking shit about my skills as a fighter and LeblancClone’s as well. Its one thing to talk the talk, but another thing to walk the walk as you will see in the following:

After I got a few weeks off from the fight down in Biloxi when I got offered to fight one of  “[FancyGym’s] top 170s” and I couldn’t say yes fast enough. SIMMONSDOUBLE and I had been having beef for years ever since he had started talking crap about me, LeblancClone, and royally fucking over my buddy Quiche (basically treated him like a migrant worker without actually paying him). It became apparent real fast that SIMMONSDOUBLE was just in it for the money and that all he saw in others was dollar signs apparently he was able to get a student base who was either:

A.    Gullible

B.     Want to be told what they want to hear

C.     Both (I’d put my money on this one)

Everybody wants to be a fighter but not everyone is willing to pay the price. I was paying it in the form grueling workouts, cutting calories, training through injuries, and basically just torturing myself because I understood what I was walking into when that cage door shuts. I never picked my fights, I took whomever was offered.

On the other hand FancyGym’s opponents were almost always handpicked, had no business even walking into the cage, and were their for the sole purpose of making their guys look better than they really were. AND THEY STILL LOST FIGHTS. Yet SIMMONSDOUBLE wanted to talk smack about me even though I hadn’t lost a fight (at that point) and did it against very game and dangerous fighters whom afterwards I had the upmost respect for because even though they lost, they fought like true warriors and left it all the cage. That’s what makes a fight, being willing to fight to your last breath and forcing your opponent to have to take you out if he wants to win. That’s what kind of fighter I was or as Joe Rogan referred to Chuck Liddell as, “A fighter’s fighter” aka a real fighter.
Basically I saw this fight as “Real Fighter” vs “Paper Fighter”. I saw an easy win as well as knocking a lot of wind out of SIMMONSDOUBLE’s sails. I took the fight on short notice, 4 weeks, and started cutting weight immediately. I wanted this fight real bad. I saw it as a way to get my name out around town to potential sponsors with relatively low risk on my part, i.e. it was a good fight for me. As the fight started getting closer and closer, as well as the weight coming off a lot easier this time, I was starting to get word of that SIMMONSDOUBLE was spreading around rumors of getting into a street fight with “FancyGym’s top 170” in front of this upscale club on King St. which was I found hilarious and that it was just them trying to take my focus off of the fight.

A couple weeks out from the fight, a Saturday, I was spending the day with BBDebutant, when I got a phone call from RedneckPromoter:

RedneckPromoter: “Hey, Frank, the fight is off with [FancyGym’s top 170]”

Frank: “Umm…why?”

RedneckPromoter: “His team is claiming that you’re bloodwork (HIV, Hep B and C tests) isn’t up to date.”

Frank: “That’s bullshit, my test from March (G-Vegas fight) is still valid for another month.”

RedneckPromoter: “I know but that is their excuse.”

THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. I kept my cool while on the phone with RedneckPromoter, and afterward when I went to Kicken Chicken with BBDebutant to have a Guiness and Bobby Fries (since I wasn’t cutting weight anymore plus its fucking delicious). BBDebutant being the awesome girlfriend that she was, not perfect but still awesome, consoled me and was doing her best to keep me calm and happy and spent the whole day with me. It was one of those romantic days that I don’t have anything to write about because even though it was awesome for me nothing really funny happened. That was to come in the following days.

The more and more I thought about what had transpired the more pissed off I got. These motherfuckers talk shit about me, agree to have their top guy at my weight class fight me, pulled out (like a girly man), and then proceeded to keep talking shit about me. I wanted to go in there and beat SIMMONSDOUBLE’s head in, but since such an act could get me an assault and battery charge I decided to take the war of words onto Facebook. I sent two email’s one to SIMMONSDOUBLE and the other to FancyGym’s Top 170. I informed of how displeased I was with their and cpretty much told them to either shit or get off the pot. SIMMONSDOUBLE’s guys talking shit about me and then pulling out of the fight over the reason that they gave, thought while not surprising, was pretty childish, Tito Ortiz-style.

When SIMMONSDOUBLE got the email from me he pretty much flip his shit, like Madea in a Tyler Perry movie without having to take the earrings and actually having to balls to try and fight me to shut me up. He called me and was bitching at me in such a manner you would say on Maury Povich. He tried claiming he had nothing to do with with “FancyGym’s top 170” pulling out or of any trash talk going around which I called bullshit on which he was only made him get more pissed. I’m pretty sure that if this were a cartoon he’d be having steam coming out of his ears Wily Coyote-style and tried talking in his usual condescending manner. The more he tried to convince me that he was “professional” the more I egged him on. He’d claim he trains with world-class fighters, the more I informed him that it still doesn’t make him an ACTUAL fighter because fighters well you know, put their money where their mouth is. The conversation ended with him trying a last ditch effort at claiming his manhood by cussing me out and I simply told him to “Go fuck his mother.”

The next day I walked into Jiu Jitsu class and LeblancClone told me that SimmonsDouble left a few (hilarious) voice messages. Basically he claimed how I was being so unprofessional, what my problem is (SimmonsDouble being a lying douchebag is the correct answer), and that he claimed to have knocked me out a few years back. That last bit had me rolling on the floor like I was trying to show to do the “duck, tuck, and roll” technique from elementary school class.

A few years prior to this he wanted to learn some jiu jitsu, and even though I was only a blue belt at the time, I obliged. We rolled around and he was getting tapped left and right. Instead of being humble and trying to learn from it, he instead says, “In Krav Maga we would do this (commences to pointing 2 fingers out and poking a guy in the eyes).” I simply asked, “Why didn’t you do it then?”
 Back then we were actually friends and I helped get him a job at IrishFratBar along with my buddy Quiche and he gave me a few Krav Maga lessons, which really didn’t teach me anything that I didn’t already know from jiu-jitsu. At this time another Black Belt under Relson came into town, He and SimmonsDouble wanted to open up a gym down the street from LeblancClone which was a huge problem. It got to the point where Relson had to intervene and prevent his blackbelt from getting involved. As far as Relson is concerned Charleston was LeblancClone’s territory and anyone else under him that wanted to open up a gym had to open it up 20 miles from LeblancClone (yes, I did open up one within 20 miles of LeblancClone but it was done with his blessing. I’m an asshole, not a douchebag). Apparently SimmonsDouble wasn’t too fond of this and got pretty pissed off at LeblancClone. Instead of being a man about it and you know…..saying it to his face, he decided to inform me of his displeasure one night as I walked up to IrishFratBar to talk to Quche:

SimmonsDouble: “You better tell [LeblancClone] to keep his mouth shut or I’m going to hurt him.”
This kind of made me mad, but at the same time I found it pretty funny. A krav maga instructor, with no ground fight skill whatsoever and no striking or any other fighting skill felt that he could threaten a Brown Belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu through me. I informed LeblancClone of what SimmonsDouble told me and that was the last I ever talked to SimmonsDouble on friendly terms. Our friendship pretty much ended there and I saw his true colors.

This combined with him having Quiche help him build a school from the ground up (literally) and then going back on his word about letting Paulo help teach at the school and trying to charge him to train there is what ultimately led to this war of words between myself and SimmonsDouble. What SimmonsDouble underestimated is that I know how to get under someone’s skin. The way I looked at it, if he was going to talk shit and not back it up then I was going to say enough shit to him to either man up and fight me, or bow out and admit his faults. This was a sound plan in nature but I underestimate the powers of combining douchebaggery with cowardice. I got a call from someone either:

A.)  A City of Charleston Cop

B.)  Someone posing as a City of Charleston Cop

Cop: “He (SimmonsDouble) is saying that you are threatening to kill him and his family.”

Frank: (with a confused look) “Umm, nope definitely didn’t do that.”

Yes, I did tell SimmonsDouble that I would go into his gym and kick his ass, but threatening someone’s life and family is a line I do not cross. It’s like what Biggie said in an interview before his death about the beef between him and Tupac and if he wished death on him, “There ain’t no coming back from that.” Same statement applies here. Do I wish I could get my hands on him in a sanctioned cage fight and/or have him throw the first punch so I could LEGALLY whoop his ass and knock some sense into him? HELL YEAH. Did I wish death or threaten that on him? HELL NO. I’m a firm believer in Karma. Besides if I were the killing type I’d try to do it in a manly way, i.e. go hunting for grizzly bears with a Samurai sword.

Everything settled down for a few months and then I got a call from one of my old buddies from Jiu-Jitsu class who was going to be throwing an MMA event at Patriot’s Point in Mt. Pleasant. With recently being legalized in the State of South Carolina, anyone with a enough money to could buy a MMA cage or ring and promote a fight card. My buddy, MrClean, would be throwing the first mma event in ever in Charleston, and I wanted to be on it.

When I went over to the venue that MrClean was planning on using for the event, he asked me if I wanted to fight another fighter from FancyGym. Once again I accepted the offer immediately. The guy that he wanted to me to fight I had trained with before and had no problems tapping him out in training and he wasn’t exactly comfortable standing with me. Apparently Krav Maga doesn’t teach you any stand up either. As the fight drew closer and closer the war of words started up again all from SimmonsDouble’s side.

The only difference is this time he started lying to one my Muay Thai coaches about him having a restraining order on me and alleging that I threatened his family. I woke up one morning to a voice mail from him, Darkness, that kind raised my eyebrows. He said that I couldn’t go around threatening people like that, which I didn’t. What shocked me more is that he knows me better than he knew him but he was taking his side without wanting to hear my side of the story. Honestly it was kind of heartbreaking, but at the same time I got to see his true colors. The only person I could trust in situations is my dad, PapaFrank, so I called him and filled him in on all the details. He made a call to the Charleston Magistrate’s Office to see if there was in fact a restraining order and unsurprisingly there wasn’t. We had proof of SimmonsDouble lying and PapaFrank gave Darkness a call:

Darkness: (when told there was no restraining order): “Oh but he does.”

PapaFrank informed him of the call to the Charleston Magistrate’s Office to which Darkness responded, “Hey, I gotta go”, and hung up. You when you can tell that someone feels stupid and just got taken for a ride? I swear I could have hear Darkness hitting himself upside the head from Wentworth Street. Did I mention I was training for a fight while this was going on? That was about to change though.

I was sitting at home watching 24 when I got a call from the guy I was fighting:

Opponent: “Hey man, I injured my knee in training and can’t fight. I’m sorry man.”

I was actually pretty cool about this. Yes he was pulling out of a fight the week before. Yes, I did see him walking around at the fights a week later with no noticeable limp (Forrest Griffin fought for years with an injured shoulder which nobody knew about until after the Mauricio “Shogun” Rua fight because he didn’t tell anyone because he is like not a pussy or something) and yes, he pulled out of a fight that I knew would be an easy win that he was more than likely pulling out of at SimmonsDouble’s request so that he wouldn’t have to explain to his customers why one of his top fighters lost a fight to guy (ME) that he claimed was unprofessional. Despite all this he atleast was man enough to call me to tell me himself. I can respect that. Even if it was SimmonsDouble putting him up to it because he was too scared of me to talk to me himself.

I still went to the fights and got talked into doing an exhibition grappling match against this guy who looked like Larry The Cable Guy, just shorter and equally portly. Apparently he was fighting at 205, while only being 5’8, and his opponent pulled out. I could relate. Plus he had grizzly on him which he was willing to share, seemed like a pretty cool guy, so I figured why not. Right before I went out for the match Boze talked me into starting it off by going for a flying scissor takedown, youtube “Ryo Chonan vs Anderson Silva”. Once the match started I went for it fell flat on my ass. I’m pretty sure I heard the crowd bust out laughing. I whoop ass and provide humor.  At one point he went for a guillotine choke but he had major obstacle the kept him from finishing it, I was in FULL mount. I let him squeeze on my neck until he realized that the chances of him making me tap from there were about as good as Snooki from “Jersey Shore” not being able to find a tanning bed in Miami. I after he tired himself I latched on a triangle choke, he tapped, and the crowd went crazy (even thought half of them probably had no idea what happened until the ref raised my hand).

I had to rush backstage and change because VanillaGorilla’s fight was up next. We were sharing a locker room with SimmonsDouble. Darkness was cornering AllAmerican as well as few guys from FancyGym including FireFighter. All of SimmonsDouble’s guys were being all nice to me even though I could sense the haterade on their breath. I didn’t have time to think about as me and Boze had to walk VanillaGorrilla out to the cage. VanillaGorilla was still pretty raw and had only been training for 8 months but he was built like a brick shithouse and athletic and actually picked up new techniques quickly. Also the guy he was fighting looked like Fat Albert with saggier tits. I figured the odds were in VanillaGorilla’s favor. The fight started and VanillaGorilla was already forgetting to keep his hands up. This coupled with the fact that SaggyTits was throwing overhands and catching VanillaGorilla and dropped was definitely having me on edge.

Eventually VanillaGorilla resorted back to his wrestling midway through the first round, got the takedown and had him controlled. He came back to the corner and the game plan for rest of the fight was obvious. Take down SaggyTits, and ground and pound. The second round went beautifully as VanillaGorilla immediately got the take down and nearly had SaggyTits finished with unanswered punches from the mount. Boze asked why the fight wasn’t being stopped and the  ref replied:

Ref: “He’s not hitting him hard enough.”

We took Mike back to the corner where I went a lil Maury Povich on him.

Frank: “[VanillaGorilla] KNOCK A FUCKING HOLE IN HIS HEAD.”

Apparently this wasn’t the best advice to give him as he decided to go back to standing up with SaggyTits and got caught with an overhand right that knocked him down and nearly ended the fight but VanillaGorilla hung in there and eventually secured a take down. He grinded out SaggyTits for the rest of the round and I was nervous about the judges decision. I figured VanillaGorilla won it based on him controlling the fight on the ground were the majority of the fight took place and the fact the they inflicted equal amounts of damage on each other. However VanillaGorilla did get dropped twice, plus my opinion was from an obviously biased perspective, and the fact that you never know what judges are going to think. When the ring announcer read out the score cards it came out as a split decision for VanillaGorilla. VanillaGorilla was happy and exhausted as he fell into a heap backstage. Now any good friend would counsel VanillaGorilla and tell him what a great job he did. If you think I did anything of the sort then let me know, I could always use a good laugh.

Frank: (in the most sarcastic/smartass voice possible) “[VanillaGorilla], what did we forget to do?”

VanillaGorilla: (still trying to catch his breath) “To keep my hands up.”

See? I told you VanillaGorilla learns quick.

I stayed for the rest of the fights and VanillaGorilla went to his much deserved after party in North Charleston. All of SimmonsDouble’s guys lost their fights, big surprise (sarcasm), and FireFighter’s fight was up. SimmonsDouble had one more chance at one of his guys winning a fight. After one of the most elaborate ring entrances I had ever seen for a amateur figher, the city fire department played bag pipes for him before he came out to T-Pain, the fight started. Firefighter secured a takedown with his roided up frame and rode out the rest of the round from half-guard and though not a spectacular round, I would have scored it 10-9 for him. The next two rounds were a totally different story. The guy from Miami apparently knew some muay thai because he was working Firefight from the “thai plum” which involved placing both hands behind your opponents head, pulling the head down, and directing it into knees. Since this fight was with amateur rules knees to head weren’t allowed but knees to the stomach were fair game, which MiamiFighter threw in bunches. Firefighter looked like a brick shit house but a knee to the stomach is still a knee to the stomach. The more MiamiFighter worked the mid section, the more FireFighter started to gas and got taken down repeatedly. After the fight was over I easily had it 2 rounds to 1 (30-29) for MiamiFighter. The judges saw it different and the crowd being as naïve as they were cheered just because their “hometown hero” won. Goes to show you the average intelligence level of Chucktown residents (and people wonder why South Carolina is always last in the nation in SAT scores). MiamiFighter got” hometowned” which is when a fighter that is fighting in his hometown clearly loses a fight, but somehow still gets awarded the victory for a judges decision. It was like Cinderella Man where James Braddock (Russell Crowe) is waiting for the decision on his fight against the champion who had killed two other boxers in the ring prior and wondering what is taking so long for a decision that should have been elementary in Braddock’s favor. Paul Giamatti just goes , “They are going to find a way to screw him for sure.”

Well Braddock got his decision, but MiamiFighter got screwed. I legit felt bad because this decision coupled with FancyGym’s attitude and apparently being able to pull some political strings was giving other fighters from Charleston a bad name. I was pissed. I started seeing what the sport was coming to in Charleston. All about the Benjamins. Darkness, SimmonsDouble,  DoucheCoke, and many others were in it just for the money.

In any other business this is fine, because the whole point of working and/or having a business is to turn a profit. There is one big difference though, they aren’t dealing with a person’s safety and well being. FancyGym was the top of gym that would throw you into a cage fight with no training whatsoever as long you signed a contract with them and gave them your account number so they could draft your account monthly. They were/are going to get someone hurt/killed. There is a reason why most fighters in the sport have extensive experience in other fighting styles before entering into MMA, i.e. cage fight/sanctioned fuckstarting of faces, limbs, arteries etc. You don’t bring a knife to a gun fight or in layman’s terms you don’t go in the cage unprepared because you are going to get seriously hurt.

Anyways I left the event pretty pissed off but I told VanillaGorilla I’d come by the after party and since he was like my buddy and shit, I like keeping to my word when it comes to my REAL friends. The after party was fun but I couldn’t drink because I had agreed to the fight against DoucheGumby a few days prior since my fight got cancelled.

Part 2:

It had become pretty apparent that SimmonsDouble and all of FancyGym were pretty scared of me as the war of words on facebook continued. SimmonsDouble knew better than to get in a war of words with me because I’d make him look stupid, would make him probably lose his cool and he would try to jump me or something and then I would REALLY make him look stupid. He instead hid behind his fighters/customers and let them talk for him. God forbid a supposed Martial Arts would get into an actual fight. At the same time I was running Exact Impact and still training for fights I had coming up. I think the pinnacle of the war of words came when I posted my fight against DoucheGumby. One of my buddies commented about and I responded by saying, “That is why [FancyGym’s] fighters won’t fight me.” I guess this ruffled their feathers as one of the fighter’s, whom I will simply refer to as FailedMiscarriage, replied by saying, “You won’t fight us you fag.” I nearly passed out from laughter. I had agreed to fight guys from their gym TWICE. They had talked shit and pulled out of the fight TWICE. Yet here is FailedMiscarriage claiming that I was scared to fight guys from their gym. It was at this point I learned how dangerous stupidity can be. It wasn’t the fact that he said this to me. It was the  fact that he actually believed the shit he was saying. It was at the this point I understood how SimmonsDouble could get so many students at his gym. It’s like H.L. Mencken once said, “No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligience of the American people.” How else can you explain country music?

I figured that SimmonsDouble would just use his trust fund money to overrun Charleston and let any average joe that would buy shirts from a major fight sponsor, they sponsor a former UFC champ, inside of a cage and fight somebody, even if there was a huge disparity in experience. It’s a great way to make money, its also a good way to get someone seriously hurt if not killed. Apparently money was more important to SimmonsDouble than someone’s well being.

Then we had an opportunity present to us. My buddy, Jag, was going have a MMA card up in Ladson and he asked if I had any guys from the gym that wanted to fight. The first one that came to mind was my buddy/training partner “187”. Yea let me tell you about this fucking guy. He has been training Brazilian jiu-jitsu for as long as I have been (9 years) and fights just as mean if not meaner. He is the first guy to knock me out (for a split second, still counts though). Did I also mention that he is only 18. Who did they offer for “187”? None other than FancyGym’s top 155’er, OhioWrestler.. I was more excited than a redneck walking into a porn convention. If SimmonDouble and his boys wouldn’t fight me then they could fight someone that would make them look just as bad.
187 had just recently gotten back from Brazil when I asked him if he wanted to take the fight. He was equally excited as I was about this. He had seen all the drama I had been through with SimmonsDouble and knew my feelings about them. We both saw it as an opportunity to get bragging rights in Charleston. Him, along with Cro Cop, and Pharmacist all trained their asses off for it. Pharmacist was new but he showed potential and a passion for the sport so I decided to let him join the gym. I figured his athleticism alone would carry him through the amateur ranks plus he was different than most fighters in Charleston (or so I thought) in that he displayed something most of them didn’t have competency, i.e an IQ north of 70. Cro Cop had been yearning for a fight ever since he lost that decision in his Muay Thai bout and this fight was a chance at redemption for him. Everyone was motivated in their own way.

-I was motivated by wanting to shut up SimmonsDouble, his fighters, and the rest of his stupid fucking gym.

-187 loves violence

-Cro Cop is like a scientist when it comes to fighting and a cage is like a lab experiment for him

-Pharmacist loves violence

By fight week everyone in the gym was getting stoked for the fights including Saigon. The night before the weigh ins I was at the gym to see if anyone would be showing up for class and Saigon was the only one that showed up. She had been dating one of my students and was still trying to come on to me. I figured she was just into me because I was a fighter and most women just want to fuck a fighter just to say they did it. It’s a status thing, the same reason why that white girl fucked Kobe or why parents would let their kids hangout with Michael Jackson at Never Never Land. Since nobody was showing up she asked if I wanted to get something to eat. Not seeing anything wrong with that (Hot 18 year old Asain girls make me more naïve than Stevie Wonder in a minefield, what can I say?). Anyways we went to this beer and burger place down the street, the burger was pretty awesome, I paid the bill, and we hopped in her car to head back. She had other ideas. The second I shut my car door, she was already in my lap and sucking on my neck.

Easy Frank…..shes one of your students….she’s dating another one of your students….yes, she is a hot asian chick that would be an awesome notch on your belt….its not worth it

I mustered up enough strength to tell her that the passenger seat of her car probably wasn’t the smartest place for her to ride me. I told we should head back to my car. I wasn’t going to sleep with her but I needed more time to come up with an explanation. When I got out of the car she got out to and started giving me those googily puppy dog eyes that I was all too familiar with. Next thing you know she is trying to make out with me while I was doing my best to resist and then she laid this line on me:

Saigon: (while still doing the puppy dog eyes) “I want you to take me up into the gym.”

YEA, SHE WANTED ME TO TAKE HER UP INTO THE GYM AND HAVE SEX WITH HER IN THE GYM. I turned her down. Now I know what you are thinking. Why would I turn down pussy that was hot, disease free, and sober enough to legally consent? Was it because she had a boyfriend? Was it because I had only been on break from HotTeacher for a few days? Was it because she was one of my students and doing so would break some moral code that some up tight karate instructors have? If you think any of these then I have no idea why you are reading this. So why would I pass up sex with a hot Asian chick? The answer goes back to a few months prior.

I was cleaning up the gym and Saigon was helping out. We were talking and just shooting the shit when I could tell I hit on a sensitive subject (or so I thought) and her eyes started what was wrong and she finally let it out. She claimed that one of her old karate instructors raped her.  I asked why she didn’t go to the cops and she never gave me a straight answer. She kept looping around back to that she didn’t want her parents to find out. I didn’t call bullshit because I wasn’t there so who am I to say if she is telling the truth. This all changed when she started hitting on me and came to a head when she was wanting me to fuck her in the gym. I have already had to deal with the stigma of DoorKnob alleging the same accusation (read the “Why You Don’t Fuck Girls from DiveBar” story) and wasn’t willing to play roulette with a girl that was alleging the same thing no matter how hot and willing she was. Having already done a 10 hour impersonation of Tim Robbins from Shawshank Redemption at Leeds Hotel was enough for me.

The next day was weigh-ins and PapaFrank rode me over to where they were at (Days Inn). It was pretty uneventful except for the fact that all of fighters that talked shit to me on Facebook, or tried to anyway before I lit them up, were now kissing my ass left and right. That’s Charleston politics for ya, even for cage fighters apparently. 187, Cro Cop, and Pharmacist all weighed in and made weight easily. 187 headed to Miyabi (awesome Hibachi by the way) and the rest of us headen to Olive Garden so Cro Cop and Pharmacist could pig out. The most memorable things from dinner was Pharmacists absolute obsession with Mountain Dew and Cro Cop wanting to order the entire left side of the menu and drinking a Sam Adams. In his defense it was only one, maybe it was for the carbs. Believe it or not when I was fighting I barely touched alcohol and was pretty much anti-drinking. Funny how shit changes isn’t it?

On fight day, I headed to the fairgrounds for fighter meetings and what not. After those were done it was time to start getting prepared for the fights. PapaFrank brought the mats and noticed something that was off. All of Pharmacists people were wearing shirts that NaiveManager had made that said Pharmacists last name with the word “Crew” after it. This was a huge show of disrespect. I had been training Pharmacist for this fight without charging him in exchange for NaiveManager representing me in my fights to other promoters. We had talked about him wearing the shirt from my gym because he was training it after all. Its not like we signed anything, is just how the saying goes, “its the thought that matters.” We finally worked out a deal with NaiveManager and agreed that Pharmacist would wear one of our shirts, and I would wear one of his shirts when his fight was up, which was the main event amazingly.

The first guy from our gym that was up was Cro Cop. He was fighting a guy from a team that we were actually pretty friendly with. Yes, it was a fight but at the same time there was no bad blood towards him or his team, which is a rarity for us. When I’m fighting someone I HAVE to find something that I don’t like about them. I have to dislike who I’m fighting, even if it’s only for the duration of the fight. Kind of like Wanderlei Silva (Wanderlei, not Vanderlei). Cro Cop on the other hand was more cerebral, he saw it as a competition. It worked for him especially in this bout, maybe a little too well. Corey’s biggest strength is his striking and so was his opponents, the only difference between the two was approximately 8 inches of reach in Cro Cop’s favor. It looked Cro Cop was striking with a midget. Even though Cro Cop’s opponent was tough and definitely game, he dominated the fight from bell to bell. I felt like he missed on some opportunities to finish the fight but a win is still a win.

187’s fight was up next. This was the fight that I had been waiting for. It was finally time for SimmonsDouble to put up or shut up. I already knew that he was screwed along with OhioWrestler. It was time for everyone to see which gym REALLY had the best fighters in Charleston. I honestly think I was WAY more amped than 187 was. He was as calm as a Hindu Cow at Woodstock, or as I said to Subaru, “Would you be nervous if you were about to go to Disneyworld.” That’s what fighting is for 187, a trip to Disney world. Just replace the migrant workers in Donald Duck costumes with triangle chokes, superman punches, and concussions and you basically have 187’s heaven. They were riding us from the warm up area to the main building, where the fights were, in golf carts. Me, LeblancClone, Boze, and 187 got in one. OhioWrestler, “FancyGym’s Top 170”, BaldPenguin, got in the other. SimmonsDouble apparently thought he was better’n everyone else and decided to just walk there.

Once we got to the building we hopped out and waited backstage for a few minutes and then 187’s name was called and we walked out. We gave him some last minute instructions but he was already in the zone. He was ready to kiil somebody. I was seriously worried he would. He did give me a concussion, by accident, and I have 20 lbs on him. Imagine what he would do to someone his size. OhioWrestler comes out and does some duck walks in the cage. I rolled my eyes. It was game time and I had my stop watch in my hand. Once the fight started I hit start and the time was rolling. This what happened next in order:

1.      187 connected with a right leg kick to OhioWrestler’s left leg that I thought just about broke OhioWrestler’s leg. I could swear I saw his eyes water up. It hit him so hard it hurt me.

2.      OhioWrestler tried reciprocating with a right kick of his own. BAD MOVE. 187 caught the kick and slammed OhioWrestler to the ground like it was episode of cops.

3.      OhioWrestler responded by bellying out and tried securing a single leg takedown which pressed 187 against the cage.

4.      While OhioWrestler used this as a brief respite from the ass whooping he was enduring, 187 used it to consider the proper method to finish OhioWrestler off.

5.      187 hopped up, climbed his shoulders up the cage, and secured a FLYING TRIANGLE CHOKE.

6.      After a brief attempt at punching his way out of it, OhioWrestler tapped and 187 hopped on top of the cage as I was throwing my hands up in the air from how amped up I was.

7.      187 went over to and shook hands with SimmonsDouble and the rest of OhioWrestler’s corner men

I remember I forget to hit STOP on the stopwatch and decided to do so. I looked at it:

187 had done to FancyGym, D. Rose style, what I had been yearning to do for years. IN ONE MINUTE AND FOURTY-FOUR SECONDS (the actual fight only lasted 27 seconds). If SimmonsDouble even had a hint that 187 was capable of that then he would have pulled OhioWrestler out of the fight in the same manner as he did mine. Why didn’t he pull him out? Because I talked enough shit to him and his boys on Facebook while at the same time not talking about 187’s credentials. It gave SimmonsDouble to what he tought would be an easy way to shut him up. He had no idea that 187 actually had a GOOD ground game or some vicous power in his strikes. He just though he was an 18 year old with no fight skills since this was his first fight after all. Which can only lead me to say one thing:

CHECKMATE BITCH! Krav Maga is the TRUE Dane Cook of martial arts.

I really wish the story ended there. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I wish I could say how we all went on the land of milk and honey and hot ass ring girls and made a big enough fortune to where paying the child support/abortions for said ring girls woouldn’t bust a sweat./ Like all things in life, not everything has a happy ending. Oh yeah and Pharmacist’s fight was up next.

I switched into his shirt as the golf cart rode him up to the backstage area. While backstage his opponent, BadBoy, was backstage warming up. In the weeks leading up to the fight the promoters were advertising this guy as the “Brazilian Bad Boy” and as some sort of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu expert. I have been around the grappling/mma scene in Charleston long enough to know that was bullshit but I had no idea to what extent. HE WAS WEARING A FUCKING WHITEBELT. Pharmacist’s entrance music hit and we walked out. BadBoy and his crew walked out. As he was walking out I gave Pharmacist some last minute advice along with the other guys he wanted cornering him, FatThai and AndersonGuy. The fight started and things started off decently well. Pharmacist caught BadBoy with a right hand that broke his nose and sent blood everywhere. There were a few problems though.

1.      He actually got less aggressive when this happened

2.      He kept circling the wrong way which lead him right into an overhand right that rocked him lil

3.      He stopped listening to his corner which is red flag if there ever is one.
Pharmacist won the fight by decision even though he should have had the fight won in the first round.

I just chalked up to him still being a novice in the sport. The bottom line was Exact Impact went 3-0. It was a very gratifying feeling and made even better by the fact that the 400 or so people in attendance got to witness it. Yeah FancyGym and CokeGym would continue to talk all the shit they wanted to, they had to atleast try to save face, but the proof was in the pudding. Exact Impact MMA was for real. Maybe too real for Charleston. What can I say? Look at the guy that was running it.
After that fight nobody at 155 wanted to fight 187. NO ONE. You would have had better luck finding a picnic basket stealing bear a hat one than finding someone willing to get in the cage with him that lived in or near Chucktown. FancyGym and Coke Gym would talk shit about us but they weren’t exactly enthusiastic about getting in the cage proving us, me especially because they couldn’t stand my ass, wrong. The gym would eventually shut down (read the “Asheville Fight” story) but nobody in the MMA scene in Charleston will forget what happened that night. FancyGym talked the talk while Exact Impact walked the walk. We just did it with a swagger that would make Ric Flair jealous and Muhammad Ali proud.

1 comment:

  1. Where is the hilarity, or do you think that word means boorish?