Friday, August 9, 2013
Frank Gets Pulled by the Sheriff, Hilarity Ensues
We have all been pulled over by the cops. Sometimes it’s because you are hauling ass to meet up your jiu jitsu buddies to head up to Columbia for a grappling tournament. Other times it’s when you pick up a fuck buddy in an area that unknowingly happens to be under surveillance by the Sheriff’s department for drug distribution and manufacturing. Want to take a guess as to where this story is heading? When those blue lights come on most people start coming up with a cover story to keep from spending a night in Leeds Hotel. Can you blame them? That shit can be fucking scary even when you haven’t done anything wrong. However, cops are people just like anybody else (except they have guns, handcuffs, tasers, pepper spray, radios and night sticks) and as long as you are honest, compliant, and HAVEN’T COMMITED A CRIME then you can actually have some fun and a few laughs (unless you’re black, in that case just be ready for the night stick enema and ask for lube). Here’s the story.
I was at home chilling and chatting with people on Facebook and was dead set on staying in for the night. FreeBird told me she was going to stay in which was actually fine with me as I just wanted to watch reruns of Deadliest Warrior, and have some Vodka and green teas. I honestly thought I was in for the night, then I got a text from FreeBird wanting me to pick her up. I knew I should stay in but there was pussy on the ready just wanting to be picked up. What do you think I did? Discussed politics? I finished my drink (because there are Sober Kids in India, I love that poster) and hopped in my car and headed towards Summerville. I stopped to get gas on the way and noticed a Deputy Sherriff’s car in the parking lot. I got a little paranoid, since I technically had been drinking. I filled her up and headed out towards FreeBird’s place. As I pulled into her neighborhood I noticed a cop car at the corner of the street were you have to pull into her neighborhood and didn’t think much of it. I figured they were just setting up a speed trap or something else to fill their quota for the month.
I pulled up to FreeBird’s place and she came out with her DD’s beckoning to me. This girl is always a gamer and basically has the same mentality I had when it comes to sex which is “Hard, Fast, and Often.” Not too mention this girl was tighter than Madea squeezing a vice and you couldn’t plow this girl hard enough if you shot yourself up with 20 ccs of adrenaline (or however much Jason Statham shot up in Crank). The girl was a gamer. She also had piercings everywhere. Her ears, nose, one that runs parallel with her lip, and her hood (clit for those that don’t understand the innuendo), this girl has more metal in her than Pittsburg, and she was awesome in bed.
I pulled up to the stop sign so I could get back on Hwy 78. The sheriff’s deputy was posted right there looking at me. I knew not to do a “roll stop” which is where come to a stop sign, look both wars, and just roll through the stop sign. I came to a COMPLETE stop, then turned on to 78, the sheriff pulled right out and was on my ass like a pedophile on Justin Beiber. FreeBird decided this is the perfect time to tell me that the neighborhood across the street from her was under surveillance for drug distribution and manufacturing. What drug might you ask? Crystal Meth. Yeah this shit was turning into an episode of Breaking Bad real fucking quick. I quickly put 2 and 2 together as the blue lights on the Sheriff’s car came on.
This if fucking great, obviously the cop thought I was either:
A.) Selling Drugs
B.) Buying Drugs
C.) Paying for sex in the form of drugs
D.) Giving sex for drugs or money (I wish, I’m not even that good in bed)
E.) All of the above
I pulled over, turned off the car engine, told FreeBird to get my registration out of the car (I had insurance but I had no idea where the proof of it was), went to get my wallet out of my pocket so I could get my license, and turned on the voice recorder app that I had on my Droid. The Sheriff came up and the first thing I noticed was that he was a she but looked like a he. Seriously she looked like a mix between R. Lee Ermey and Gimli from Lord of the Rings. This is was not good. There is only one thing worse than dealing with a female cop that is already going to be on edge due to a natural size and strength disadvantage when having to deal with most male suspects. A female cop that looks like she would be dead on for hanging out with Rosie O’Donnell at a women’s empowerment meeting. She asked me to get out of the car and as I walked towards the back with my cigar in one hand and my cell phone/voice recorder in the other hand she told me to stand by the hood of her car and I complied. What was I going to do? Jump on her like a redneck from Cops? I sat there, answered all her questions honestly, and was completely compliant. However like I will always say sometimes honesty will make you look like an asshole. Maybe incriminating in the legal sense, but an asshole nonetheless. Here was the best part:
DykeSheriff: “So why are you driving from Mt. Pleasant to pick her up here [in Ladson]?”
Frank: (trying to keep a straight face due to the absurdity of the situation) “Booty call.”
Yea I told a butch dyke (allegedly) looking cop with a crew cut that was seriously looking for a reason to zap me with a taser as to why I was picking up a blonde with tattoos, HUGE tits, and piercings everywhere as to what I was doing and my response was that I was picking her up for casual sex. I seriously thought she would call back up so I could be held down while she used her night stick to show me where the little goose goes.
Instead she just gave me this eyes wide opened like she didn’t know what to make of me. It was like I took her opinion of me and flipped on its head like 10th Dan Judoka from Okinawa. She kept trying to press me though.
DykeSheriff: “Are you high right now?”
DykeSheriff: “When was the last time you smoked weed?”
Frank: “Ummmm….3 years ago.”
DykeSherriff: “Have you been drinking tonight?”
Frank: “Yea, I had a beer before she called me wanting her to pick her up.” (Yea I know it was a green tea and vodka, but alcohol is alcohol.)
She kept being confused by my answers and why wouldn’t she be. I was being completely honest with her. Most cops are use to people telling them every lie in the book to get out of what they think that they are in trouble for. That is a dumb idea. If you haven’t committed a crime then you have no reason to lie. In all reality lying at that point is a crime. You’re better off just telling the truth as is and if the cop wants to take you in then you pretty much have a slam dunk for a wrongful arrest lawsuit, but I’m just a retired MMA fighter suffering from post concussion syndrome. What do I know?
DykeSheriff continued with her “interrogation” and inquired as to why I was doing 15 below the limit when she pulled up behind me. Allow me to repeat this. SHE ASKED ME WHY I WAS GOING BELOW THE SPEED LIMIT (and no, there was not a minimum speed posted).
Frank: “I knew you were going to pull me over so I figured I’d annoy you a little bit.”
I wish I could have taken a picture of her face at that moment. Even though I had never met her before I’m pretty sure DykeSheriff never had trained for a situation like this before and had no idea what to do. On one hand there was nothing that she could charge me with that would stick and even though I will admit she did have probable cause due to the illegal activities that took place in FreeBird’s neighborhood that I had been only privy to only minutes prior. However I had broken no laws and DykeSheriff knew it. On the other hand I pretty much stood for everything she stood for based on her appearance of being a butch dyke feminist. I readily admitted that I was there to pick up FreeBird for the purposes of having casual sex with no strings attached. I was using her body (she was using mine to, don’t worry ladies) for my pleasure. That’s the thing about feminists. They are closet sexists that claim to want equal rights, but in reality just care about women in power. Think of Malcolm X in is his pre-Islam days and replace him with Rosie O’Donnell and you get the idea. I’m all for equal rights, keyword being EQUAL.
Now DykeSheriff was in a pickle, she couldn’t write me a ticket because that would be grounds for a lawsuit. She had to write me something though to justify her pulling me over. She went back to her car and got the citations for writing out a warning and what did she give me a warning for? CARELESS OPERATION. She wrote me a warning for careless operation for going BELOW the speed limit. I got a warning for obeying the law. Welcome to Bible Belt Politics. If cops want to fuck with you, they will find a reason, trust me. After that she told me I was free to go and I hopped back in the car to a highly confused/slightly agitated FreeBird.
FreeBird: “Im a booty call??????”
Frank: “You’re not in handcuffs are ya?”
We headed back to my place and spent the next 20 minutes talking, most of which revolved around getting pulled over by DykeSheriff and using a booty call as the excuse to get out of such a predicament. After all that “fun” a beer was definitely needed, that and the awesome sex we had which was capped off by me introducing FreeBird to that joys of sodomy (which is actually illegal in the state of South Carolina) which she never had before and rewarded me with a high-five. I would have high-fived myself too. What did I learn from all this. It pays to know the law. Who knows? Maybe law school isn’t such a bad idea..