Shut The Fuck Uptology....

People talk now a days; a lot. More than that, they bitch like they just found out that living too long will kill you. It gets annoying as fuck and unfortunately we live in a time when it's not exactly kosher to stuff every jerk weed that bitches about Barack Obama into an ether filled oil drum, toss in a freshly struck match, send it rolling down the parking lot into the nearest Chuck E. Cheese, and grab some popcorn to enjoy the screams. One can only wish upon a star or an executive order that would allow murder 12 hours out of the year. They wouldn't have to do it in a 12 hour chunk. They could just do it one hour a month at random times just to really keep people on the toes. That  announce it like they  hour a month could be announced like the news does when a tornado is on the way to toss a herd of cows into some strip club with finest collection of country fried skanks with three teeth, stomachs that come out further than their tits, and exceptional methamphetamine habits in The Middle of Nowhere, Oklahoma.

Since murder is not exactly everyone's cup of ricin mixed with splenda infused tea; the only thing that any civilized pro-social psychopath can do is murder someone's self esteem, or soul for you God-fearing types. Luckily there is already a tactical thermo-nuclear warhead of logic that exists in the form of a command which can be effectively executed by saying, "Shut the Fuck Up." Notice how there wasn't an exclamation point? That's because there is a certain etiquette to telling people to shut the fuck up. So before you go ranting and raving to every wanna-be Juicy J to shut the fuck up while using the fact that their pants are sagging down to poverty as the basis of your logic you should keep reading; you don't want to get pistol whipped or worse. Shit even Juicy J says, "shut the fuck up" all the time. Muthafuckas follow but they never listen. Guess what? Time to listen.

Shut the Fuck Up Etiquette 101

So you are at a local hot dog stand at 2:30 in the morning. Your girl is giggling that you should hurry home via text, emoticons and all, but you're hungry. A man's gotta eat before a man "goes home to eat". We know what keeps your vagina happy because we have learned that when your vagina hurts; we hurt. Hence the concept of chivalry. Anyways what had meant to be simple hot dog purchased had all the makings of a shit show. That shit show being long line, a friend at a hot dog stand that you had only seen once briefly since one of his friends that he was close to died of an asthma attack and that friend was roommates with a girl you were banging. A girl that you wrote stories about on this blog with a shamelessly plugged link (http://frankandrews.blogspot.com/2013/07/theanderson-silva-of-vagina-occured.html). That girl is also a basis character for a science fiction trilogy that involves fucking dragons you are currently penning.

This is cool though since both of you guys understand the concept of human beings and respect. He is making hot dogs and doing his thing. There is also a really annoying bum that would look like a potential patient zero of an impending zombie pandemic. Luckily, you have 11 years of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai training under your existential belt to know that your biggest fear would be accidentally busting him open and getting Hep C tainted blood in your eyes. In other words you can be confident with your plan A which is the basis of where Shut the Fuck Uptology originates. When used properly it can defuse stress from situations. It is equal parts timing and tone. Just think about how Samuel L. Jackson uses the word, "motherfucker".

"Welcome to the Jedi school of thug life; muthafucka."

 

 

How the characters on screen handle it is irrelevant believe it or not since movies are works of fiction. However, they are also programming and Mr. Jackson has programmed an entire American generation to respect the word motherfucker because he delivers the word so well on screen. I don't care of if you are Godzilla, if Samuel L. Jackson said I want this "mothafuckin lizard out of this muthafuckin city" then Godzilla would just leave since he would realize it wouldn't be worth it. That's because of timing:

 

The Timing and Tone of Shut The Fuck Uptology:

 

Since the Shut the Fuck Uptology is an art, as well as a science, just like boxing or mixed martial arts. It helps to understand the timing of using a well executed, "shut the fuck up". You can't tell someone to shut the fuck up right off the bat because that's just a good way to get kicked out of a party or to get jumped. You have to let people talk and sometimes bite your tongue because people say stupid shit all the time but an individual person may not every second of everyday. Truthfully, even if they were it doesn't necessarily mean you have to tell them to, "shut the fuck up" because they might just be a smart guy that doesn't know any better due to bad parenting; or one of those "nice guy" things I keep hearing about.

 

The correct timing for telling someone, such as the crack head that was ruining my hot dog experience, is when they are annoying you AND others. Times like these are when harsh diplomacy is authorized in order to prevent violence in the form of a one hitta quitta or a flying beer bottle; or a bag of bloody used tampons if it's a group of feminists. For as harsh as telling someone to, "shut the fuck up" sounds it can actually do a lot of good; it can defuse a situation while getting you high off this amazing drug called, "silence".

After the bum had scared off this couple after basically trying to shove crack rocks in their pocket along with the neo-hippy hipster bartender that wanted to talk about how the little man gets fucked, yet doesn't explain why maybe doing something about it besides complaining since bitching doesn't solve shit. That's when the bum turned his attention to me and I just stopped paying attention to him like he was a stray dog; at least stray dogs have dignity and don't beg for sustenance. They have learned how to feed themselves. This worked for a few minutes until the guy stood right in my line of sight begging for my attention. It was at this moment that my logic allowed me to act on the lightning bolts building up in the empathetic centers of my mind and say, "Dude, shut the fuck up."

He froze for a moment and then he was about to go off on "full crackhead angry at a cracka" which is when I had to reiterate my sentiments by saying, "Did I stutter? Shut the fuck up." It was at this point that he realized that I had made a valid point about his behavior and his antics were beginning to garner some consequences from a logical Ginger prick with anger issues like myself. He calmed the down, shut the fuck up, and told me his name was Lamar. That was the end of it. He shut the fuck up, I was able to wait in line in peace, get my hot dog, eat it, and go home to my girl's place to have some sex. No one got hurt or went to jail which was all due to the fact that I told him to, "shut the fuck up" in a kind respectful manner. The timing was impeccable but the tone was even more important since the crack head knew I wanted him to shut the fuck up, but I cared about him as a human being.

 

 

People that need to "Shut The Fuck Up:

 

 

Now that we have the etiquette out of the way we can let's talk about people that need to shut THE fuck up. "The" is all in caps because these are people that really need to shut the fuck up:

 

1. Women that mention HPV anytime someone talks about sex:

 

If it wasn't for the fact that ripping out a bitches cervix, without consent, is illegal I would probably just do it like Kano from Mortal Kombat the second these bitches opened their masturbatory aids with vocal cords and just be done with it. Then again this is 'Murica. I can say it, I just can't do it and get away with it ever since that whole 19th Amendment thing got passed.

 

 

"You're next warts."

 

I get it ladies, you don't want a shit load of cancerous cells eating your reproductive system away like a bunch of rednecks that just found out it's the new special at Golden Corral along with a new chocolate fountain that has a slight hint of Taylor Swifts pussy to make it more paleo-friendly. If you are that scared then get the vaccine, Gardasil. Also everyone gets HPV at some point or another including the ones that cause cervical cancer. Usually it never develops past that unless you are already genetically predisposed to being at high risk for it. So unless you left your mom's meat locker straight in a self contained bubble free of any contaminants and have been there since then get the shot and/or shut the fuck up. Besides if you get cervical cancer it means that the universe thinks your vagina sucks and is looking to kill it off anyway.

 

2. Conspiracy Theorists/Tea Party:

 

Before I say anything I will say that if you have watched the Zapruder film and think John F. Kennedy was shot by just one person then you're an idiot; a simple understanding of geometry and physics will tell you that much. I'll even go out on a limb and say that J. Edgar Hoover and Allan Dulles were the ones that were pulling the strings; any understanding of the effects of power on human nature will tell you that as well. With that said conspiracy theorists need to shut the fuck up. Conspiracy theories use to be solely the foray of anyone that idolized David Duchovny but it has devolved into downright bigotry which happened right after this guy got elected:

 

 

"My Fellow Americans. Crackas gonna crack."

 

That's right, this new breed of conspiracy theorists stem from the fact that there isn't a white dude in the White House and there probably won't be for some time. George W. Bush wore out white people's welcome. It wasn't all his fault but it was the last straw for anyone that wasn't born with a trust fund or raw dogs their cousins. This country needed change and it came in beige with a hipster attitude. Obama is probably going to go down as one of the most polarizing presidents in United States history simply due to the fact that people don't know how to shut the fuck up; especially white people of Protestant backgrounds. That's why they call him a dictator because anyone that treats people fairly regardless of race is considered a dictator to White Anglo Saxon Protestants. This crowd comes from the same school of thought, and cotton plantations, that criticized Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. In other words they are the rich white people or "The Man" as it has been so eloquently put since the 1950's; in the south.

 

Quite ironic isn't it? The area of the country that was infamous for why "12 Years A Slave" is such an amazing film, or so I've heard, came up with a term that symbolizes tyranny and oppression based on bigotry towards skin tones yet they only use it when a President might actually enforce equality as a standard instead of as a nice idea for Halmark cards. That's what a little beige will do. The second a Commandeer in Chief comes around that looks a little black all of a sudden every Bible toting gun nut wants become a gun toting Harriet Tubman. It's basically politically correct racism yet they call it, "Saving America". What they should really call it is, "Saving our White 'Murican Women from becoming White 'Murican Single Moms". Basically this is a case where white people need to shut the fuck up and stop listening to Alex Jones.

 

3. People that Brag about watching porn:

 

I talked about this at length in a previous article on this blog which I am obviously going to plug on here in a shameless fashion ((http://frankandrews.blogspot.com/2013/12/watching-porn.html). If you are pressed for time I'll just sum it up with the fact that nobody watches porn; they masturbate to it. Watching is only a part of the porn process called, "masturbation". It's making the best out of not having anyone around that is down to fuck so that you don't go to a strip club and pay a $20 cover for a case of blue balls.

 

4. Guys that brag about having "Game":

 

In my years of drinking and fucking I have noticed that whenever some guy finally finds a chick to take home due to statistical inevitability they start to think they are Wilt Chamberlain with a License to supplement a bitches drinks with Rophynol. Shit that might have been how he got laid. They go around bragging about how much, "Game" they got. If they are rich then they will really lay it on thick by telling you how they spent $500 on a bitch's tab to get her to play just the tip with him and how she just laid there because he was too much of a pussy to talk to the chick with tattoos that was banging her head to death metal. That's not "Game" either. That's just a case of a bitch making a financial investment. No bitch will turn down a drink even at the risk of HPV. See why those bitches need to shut the fuck up just like these overly enthusiastic bags of testosterone?

 

 

 

 

In reality there is no game. It is just a matter of talking to bitches and eventually running into one that is down to fuck. I don't care if you have a wingman, 12 inch cock, or a Land Rover. I've hooked up with chicks, very attractive ones, while having nothing more than a '92 Honda Accord with brakes that were more shot than Sandy Hook. It all started because I actually had the balls to talk to a chick like a human being instead of as a masturbatory aid even if that was my only reason for talking to them. It doesn't mean I have game, it just means that I'm manipulative which is commonly referred to as, "thinking like a woman". I play on their emotions for the satisfaction of my dick. In other words I do it so my dick will shut the fuck up just like these twats that talk about having, "game" should.

 

5. White people that complain about not being able to say the word "Nigger":

 

I could have just grouped these assholes in with the Tea Party but most in the Tea Party are actually getting smart enough to just leave the word alone entirely, because they are all about political correctness. That and racism. They also don't want to catch an ass whooping and have their wife push out a beige surprise nine months later. Some are still held up on their "heritage" though. They are the assholes that claim that it's racist that black people can say it but white people can't which it is but not without reason. That reason being is that African-Americans in this country were well trained in the art of racism by white guys with whips for only about 400 years; not to mention with fire bombings, hangings, cops using a fire house and German shepherd as less than lethal force, and the occasional dragging of an 11 year old black kid behind a car till his head popped off because a couple white guys got pissed that he flirted with a white girl. There is your answer as to why you can't say it by the way. So unless you are Quentin Tarantino or Louis C.K. then shut the fuck up. They earned the right to say it, you haven't. I'm just a psychopath that doesn't give a shit.

 

 

"Or you could just be like this bitch and hope that everything you say in the kitchen stays in the kitchen."



 

 

In closing:

 

This is just the beginning of further research and exploration into the study of Shut The Fuck Uptology. There is a long, long list of people that need to shut the fuck up and actually take in information before opening their mouths. It should require a license or something but meritocracy is a change that is slowly coming so patience is a virtue. So in other words be patient, shut the fuck up, and you might actually start learning some shit instead of just talking shit. If in doubt, then shut the fuck up.

 

 



 





Fat Fucks and Oreos...

First they had "double stuffed" Oreos and now they have "MEGA" stuffed Oreos. How fucking stuffed do you need to be? Has anyone seen how many fat fucks there are in Wal-Mart and Golden Corral? Do these walking blobs that graze the aisles of American consumerism and impotence need any more cream to be stuffed with? Obviously they are going to eat it so can we just go ahead, bring eugenics back? This way we can stuff these fat never-gonna-fucks into a Consumerist Camp so we can have some evil beady eyed government doctors just shooting loads of bacon-chocolate-mountain dew-pigs foot-frappucino-infused Crisco into their bloated-Jerry-Springer-caliber-pie-holes and figure out how long it takes for a human being to burst from consuming? We could use the results it for going to Mars. I'm sure Michael Moore would volunteer.

 

"There might be aliens suffering under economic inequality and substandard healthcare."

 

A story came out a few days ago on reddit about NASA claiming that civilization could collapse in the next few decades. For conspiracy theory nuts this will probably fuel their paranoia and actually hope that these idiots die from the press of the button by some shadowy figure. I mean honestly a the Zapruder film does, in my opinion, give enough evidence that there was a second guy that made JFK's head explode like a melon loaded with bottle rockets but this conspiracy theory shit has now turned into something that I have hash tagged #WhitePeopleShit. It was cute for awhile but now has just devolved into hysteria. I mean our government has done some awful shit along with every other government has existed but when you can't even decided whether the WTC was brought down with nano-thermite or a miniature atomic bomb then any talk about it loses credibility.

 

I'm at the point now where not only do I think that for the most part the United States government does have some moral authority on world affairs just based on the fact it's illegal to punch a bitch in the face and rape her mom because they burned your toast which is much more than I can say for other countries; looking your way Saudi Arabia. I also think that most conspiracy theorists sorely misunderstand what the United States government is as well as Vladimir Putin. That's because most forget what has been the most powerful weapon the United States has ever had; advertising. Our country advertises our country better than any other country advertises theirs. That's why everywhere in the world people know of America but people in America only know of other countries when the show up on CNN. It's why the world sport is soccer and yet America doesn't give a shit. Face it world, we have the better food, we have the better athletes, the better movies, and obviously the better porn. Oh yeah and we have Beyoncé. America 1-World 0. Go back to kicking the ball world, we'll pick it up and slam it on your head with our tongues stuck out like Michael Jordan.

 

"You do Judo? That's cute."

 

Now that we have that out of the way we can go ahead and actually talk about how to take our next step as a nation after, of course, we kill all these fat, dumb fucks that are allowing rich white people to use dumb fat people stuck in a J. Edgar Hoover/Malcom X mentality. It's just bigotry on both sides. #WhitePeopleShit clashing with #BlackPeopleShit and if anyone watches professional sports then white people should realize that they just need to throw in the towel now and concede defeat while keeping whatever dignity they have left. Besides there are enough fat fucks on both sides of the racist trash spectrum that I think the enlightened of us realize that there needs to be a "Fat Fuck Final Solution". Shit we can make it the final season of The Biggest Loser so that Jillain Michaels can go back to what she does best afterwards; push ups and licking carpet.

 

 

"It's Paleo-Friendly."

 

Once that is out of the way we can finally get down to the business of actually getting this country to taking it's next logical step in dominating the rest of the planet. The people of the world love America but only bitch about us when we are dropping bombs on their punk asses till they smell what Uncle Sam is cooking. This means we need a voting public that knows how to fuck shit-----properly. This also means that our voting system is going to need a massive overhaul i.e. it's going to need people with some serious game. That would entail that the only guys that should be allowed to vote are the ones that have been able to at least fuck 20 girls by the age of 30 and for women they would have to show the ability to be able to make a guy bust a nut in under 10 minutes, on average, which would mean we would need guys to volunteer for "fucking tests" in order to ascertain their ability in understanding how a civilized society of homo sapiens should operate. This would obviously not count to the guys total but we could give them a tax write off or something for their service to our exceptional nation.

We could also use this to legalize prostitution so that women would always have a job that is in demand because as we all know what guys need more of in order to act responsibly without going on murder sprees is easy access to consenting, disease-free women on birth control. That's how we fix our country. Women get an industry all their own, since as we all know, it is what is really going to shut them up along with putting a woman in the White House as Commander in Queen. This way women can run the world and guys will shut the fuck up except for the ones that women find to be worth fucking and admitting too. They could be our Platos.

 

Now what about the gays, lesbians, and trannies? They would get to vote merely on showing that they can commit acts that are synonymous with their orientations. All a guy would have to do is suck a cock and he could vote; so forth for the rest of the whole alternative lifestyle genre. Let's face it 'Murica; that's the only way they will shut the fuck up too. Anyway that's my opinion on how to bring about some change. Maybe Obama will agree with me, I know Putin won't since he is probably too busy raping dead grizzly bears for a comic book. He can have fun with that while we actually worry about making our world sustainable for future generations to learn about the atrocities of Miley Cyrus in history class.

Medical Conditions.....

As many that know me know one of the ways that I sustain my income for my antics in the world of debauchery is by working security in bars. For those that get off on baby sitting drunken, sexually frustrated adults you probably refer to it as bouncing. On the other hand I'm too cynical to get a rise out of it due to the 8+ years I have been in the industry of drunken transmissions of bodily fluids and choking out frat boys along with the occasional sailor, frat boy, or wanksta; not too mention my various other life traumas that have grinded out my jaded world view on top my various other traumas. I've learned that using a well timed pearl of logic and reason can defuse a situation much faster than a rear-naked choke on top of being more legally sound especially in a state where Thomas Ravenel can get notoriety for having a coke habit and Mark Sanford can get elected to Congress for cheating on a wife that looks like a zombie from The Walking Dead.

Logic doesn't always work out though since it's effectiveness depends on the listeners' ego and blood alcohol content. The other night I was doing security at this club downtown when I was alerted by one of the other bouncers that someone was vomiting in the men's bathroom stall. He (the bouncer) offered to help and I went in to take a look; sure enough there was that all too familiar odor of low alcohol tolerance and exaggerated expectations when I opened the door. I could go on and on about what followed but just imagine throwing out Zach Galifinakis practicing Ghandi's method of non-violent resistance while grabbing onto every door frame like a crackhead; whilst with a shirt sporting new vomit. He actually cried because he wasn't getting his way; this would be your usual power bottom in a Fedral Prison and like it after awhile.

During all this he kept claiming that he had a "medical condition" that made him vomit even though the bartenders had apparently cut him off. THAT I learned later on from one of the bartenders later on that night. So apparently not being able to handle your liquor and yacking up a break up dinner into the porcelain representation of white people's understanding of Africa is basically is a medical condition. Something supposedly out of his control that is on a chronic level that can't be corrected; a cancer that targets any chance of someone taking responsibility for their actions. That seems to be the ebb and flow now a days of our consumerist and increasingly apathetic society. We don't care about our actions; just dissecting logic in order to not be held responsible for them. Charleston royalty use this logic to defend their wealth that was generated from their involvement in the slave trade or how murderers use it to wiggle out of answering for using midgets as fuel for cooking smores because the their was an imaginary voice in their head that said the Keebler elves wanted them too. It's one thing being a sick fuck but another thing to not take responsibility for the fact that you day dreams about luring Hipsters into a rophynol-fueled blood orgy with a sign that says, "Free iPhone 6".

Shit I should go rob a bank and when the cops have me cornered I could creep out with my hands up while exclaiming, "I'M SORRY OFFICERS BUT I HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION! IT MAKES ME ADDICTED TO HOLDING CASHIERS AT GUNPOINT WHILE WEARING A SKI MASK! I CAN GET A DOCTOR'S NOTE!"  Shit every irresponsible psychopath could use this line of logic as a defense if this defense actually had any semblance of sound logic grounded in reality; our current understanding of it anyway. Here's some more examples of how this logic can be used:

"Sorry about the jews; I have a medical condition that makes me an anti-Semite skilled in public speaking."-Adolf Hitler

 

"My medical condition predisposes me to loading U-Haul trucks with nitrogen-fertilizer based explosives and detonating them with pay phones."-Timothy McVeigh

"I have a medical condition that makes me tank the economy and put peoples' families out on the street."-Every Stock Broker on Wall Street ever.

 

 

"I'm sorry for raping all those kids but I have a medical condition that makes naked boys give me erections."-Jerry Sandusky  

Speaking of child rape the Catholic Church could use this line of logic to absolve themselves of their "sins" and by sins I mean a long history of priests using their "anointments" to crucify the assholes of little boys since crucifixion and penetration go hand in hand. Just imagine, if you will, that Pope Francis were to have one of his sermons that, as of late, have been about how the Catholic Church has sucked at life and were to televise it worldwide. He could have every single priest that has used their alter boys as power bottoms, the one's still alive (priest or underage power bottom), line up behind him at a podium like they just got out of an ass chewing from a congressional hearing.

"Hey guys, Pope Francis here. Got Jesus muthafuckas? Anyways, we have gotten to the bottom of all this child rape shit and have figured out the cause. These unfortunate individuals have a medical condition that drives them to shoot their loads into little boys' assholes. We have a doctor on this and will figure out a cure shortly."

 

 

 

Now what could be a cure for pedophilia if we are too take up the logic that pedophilia is in fact a medical condition? That there are just guys out that get off on fucking little kids like they are some 50 cent hooker in a Kentucky brothel and it requires a remedy of sorts. What would help them get their release without turning little girls into porn stars and guys into future news stories for CNN? AHA!!! I got it:

 

 

"And for all you Obama voting molesters we will soon have a Lil Bow Wow blow up doll as well."

 

 

That's right, child celebrity blow up dolls. I mean if I were a child rapist I would probably spend my days stroking my baby batter out the fantasy of raping Justin Bieber on one of the rides at Disney World. Maybe I could make a porno out of it; "Butt Pirates of the Caribbean" perhaps?

 

The Flesh Light industry would be all over it if they had government sanctioning on it. They could make a line of Flesh Lights that are molded after the assholes of all of members of One Direction. Maybe that is the One Direction of One Direction; saving the world one rapist at a time. This medical condition shit might explain some other instances of stupid human behaviors such as:

 

 



"I have a medical condition that makes me hide my other medical condition while transmitting my medical condition; sexually."

 



 

"Well I have a medical condition that makes me punch bitches in the face for giving me their medical condition; sexually."

 

If you really wanted to go out on a limb you could excuse the entire US Government of any wrongdoing they have ever done and just chalk it up to "medical conditions"; not to mention every other government that has ever existed. On the home front it can simply be summed up as:

"Sorry for all of the shit 'Murica but we have a medical condition that predisposes us to not giving a shit. Enjoy the entertainment on CNN and Fox News. Now if you'll excuse us we need to go get our blow and hookers to treat our other medical conditions; Cheers :D."

 

 

I'll leave it on that note. Who knows? Maybe I can go start a murder for hire business and chalk it up to a medical condition called, "I hate the entire human race and have bills to pay". Don't worry Neil De Grasse Tyson; you're cool.

 

 

"Thanks Ginger."

 



Bacon vs. Fried Chicken: The New Civil War

Anyone that was born in the 80's has heard the stereotype, "Black people like fried chicken." You can say what you want about how derogatory such a saying is and honestly it is true but not in the way that you think. Saying that Black people like fried chicken is kind of like saying that Romeo had a friends with benefits situation with Juliet. It's an understatement at best yet one that leads to many white dudes getting sucker punched at Wiz Khalifa concerts; that's my theory anyway since I have never been to one of Wiz's shows never mind witnessed a white dude with the balls to say that derogatory term. I have however witnessed a bloated wanna-be "Good Ole Boy", just think Andy Griffith with a coke habit, call three black dudes a nigger straight to their faces and take a bigger ass whooping than Val Kilmer's career as of late. For the full story on that read the, "You Done Messed with the Wrong Ginger Story" (http://frankandrews.blogspot.com/2013/07/you-done-messed-with-wrong-ginger.html).

Black people don't just like fried chicken. They don't even just love fried chicken; they worship fried chicken. I know you are probably thinking, "Whoa Frank, you are going way to far never mind how racist it sounds". You would only be half right. It is racist but it also hits the nail on the extra crispy fried head. People forget that I live in Charleston, South Carolina which is about as deep south it gets unless you head out to Walterboro or Mississippi. It's so deep south that fried chicken is more on lock here than pizza is in Italy. Shit I have probably eaten more soul food than Michael Douglass has eaten Latin pussy. It's so intertwined with Southern Culture that they might as well call it food and while white people try to do their own spins on it they will never make better lima beans, never mind fried chicken, than a 60 year old black women that can recite bible verses like DMX. Furthermore I have proof, empirical evidence if you will, that black people worship hunks of chicken meat that is battered and fried to our arteries content:

That's right muthafuckas. While I may not be a church going individual I know a place of worship when I see one; especially one where the word "Church" is right there on the damn sign plain as a Delaware day. As we all know black people love them some religion whether it be Christian, Muslim, or when it comes to the Wu-Tang Clan; Buddhism. White people just go so that they can feel vindicated for ruining the party for the rest of the world but for black people religion is the party; hence Gospel music.  What many of you don't realize is that there is a religion that we all follow; unless you listen to any of Chris Rock's stand up. That religion is money; a point perfectly articulated by Wu-Tang's, "C.R.E.A.M." (Cash Rules Everything Around Me). It's why Federal Reserve notes, "dolla dolla bills" for those that don't follow history, have "In God We Trust" on the back. Just think of them as prayer notes except it actually makes shit happen. It makes everything happen including putting a Church's Chicken near any location that people in the lower middle tax brackets go to. That's because Church's Chicken has a secret ingredient and that ingredient is poverty which is why all the "God We Trust" prayer notes go there. Black people won't go to KFC because their mascot is "The Colonel" and last time I checked the word "Colonel" brought up thoughts of cotton fields and whips.

Now what I said above is very racist, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Then again I am an equal opportunity racist which means I have white people in my bigoted crosshairs as well. We all know that black people love fried chicken but what artery clogging food do white people love? Burgers? No, burgers are pretty universal; even Russians enjoy those. Hot dogs? Nope, well maybe gay guys can make that theirs. Oh yeah, that's right:

"Just think of it as a pile of Uncle Tom. Deliciously Crispy, Cured Uncle Tom."

Bacon might as well be called, "Beyoncé", because it is every white man's kryptonite, and just like Sasha Fierce one bite will make you feel like your wood is getting rained on. Just wait till they start putting it into Starbuck's drinks, it will be the New World Order or more precisely the Bacon World Order. That's B.W.O. for all you conspiracy theory fanatics. Bacon fanaticism is already at a fever pitch now. I'm pretty sure if I did a search for "bacon scented lubricant" it would turn up a result. Actually give me two seconds so I can pull up bing. There we go:





 "When you absolutely, positively want some bacon flavor for that sandwich you shot your cheese into the night prior."

Feel like Neo when Morpheus asked him upon returning to the matrix, "Incredible, isn't it?". Of course such an epiphany won't ruin bacon for white people; nothing will. There could be a plate with strips of bacon and Kate Upton (since Kate Upton seems to be the white response to Beyoncé) trapped in a Jigsaw murderer style kill box with some white dude, any white dude, having to choose which is last thing will be in his mouth; bacon or Kate Upton's clitoris. The dude might sweat the decision but 11 time out of 10 the white dude will take the bacon. Sorry Kate, but bacon only nurtures and never complains. That's why devout Christians don't wear bomb vests but Muslim's do; bacon. It's all white people have ever needed to devote their lives to a fairy tale; if it wasn't bacon then Beyoncé and Kate Upton would both be covered in veils with no hope of twerking.

That's the thing about people, any of them will buy into bullshit for a price. As long as white people have bacon then everything will be "good" and as long as black people have fried chicken everything will be "blessed". It keeps our country at peace, no matter how segregated, because we openly permit the consumption and worship of fried chicken and bacon. They both clog up arteries and they keep the pharmaceutical industries in business as well as Weight Watchers and the Food Network. It's why Barack Obama lets everyone think he is black when he is really a mixed race Hawaiian with a lot of Jewish friends in Chicago. He gets the benefit of both worlds; the fried chicken and bacon realms if you will. He doesn't put the Jewish connection in the public eye so he can enjoy bacon and he plays the race card so he can enjoy fried chicken.

Still think he is  a Muslim? 

However this separation cannot last and there will come a day when some food franchise will start marketing bacon wrapped fried chicken on a massive scale. It will start out as something hip at first but eventually there will come a conflict over who makes "Real" bacon wrapped fried chicken and it will become another case of shit gets taken way too literally. That's right, there will be dignity spilled. It will go down in the history books as the conflict of our time and will be decided where anything that gets taken too literally gets decided; Hollywood. There will be the ambassadors of propaganda butting heads on it as George Clooney or Michael Moore will not know which way to turn. It will go up to a vote; a single vote decided by one man. One whom will be able to have an unbiased opinion since he whistles Dixie and plays the trumpet. That man is none other than:

 

 I know ole Billy Clits will be able to settle this debate. He isn't president anymore but with Hillary on the way in for 2016 the First Husband, or whatever the fuck his label will be, will have plenty of time to work on causes that truly matter; the integration of bacon and fried chicken into the American conscience because together China doesn't stand a chance nor does Russia. Yeah China has their take on fried chicken but it doesn't come close to anything that comes out of the Bible Belt. Russia may have bacon of some gulag sort but they couldn't fry a chicken if having James Bond's sloppy seconds depended on it.

 "They fry what in Kentucky?"





Who is me?

A world of snowflakes that are unique,

Individuality is the word of what they speak,


They say "you don't know me"......

Shit, I can't even contemplate such a thing of myself like a wanna-be...


Bragging, shouting, bitching about,

Womp! Womp! is all these characters say in times of doubt,

Why do bitches forego the plan B and allow these tools out?


This goes through my head as I wonder my place,

In this place and time of NSA and an information arms race,


Fear of a Skynet seems to be the flow of the grains,

What idiocy this is that gives my mind aches and pains,

They think nuts and bolts could fuck shit up more than the Dick Cheneys or John McCains,

All the do is step in front of the cameras to complain,

While Obama don't even give a shit either since he signed the NDAA,



They think of how to kill this man named Snowden,

When they can't even keep the DOW from drowning,

Sometimes I think they are just waiting to reap something of their plowing,


Who is me?

Who is me?

This I ask myself,

As time goes on this definition seems more clouded in doubt,


Many a follower of Halmark say answers come in time,

The more I live it seems as though these fools are just preaching one big lie,


The true me seems to become more and more obscure,

A feeling that words of wisdom and serendipity seem unable to cure,

It's gotten to the point where I can't clear my mind while getting a blow job that would make many a poser's toes curl,


My mind is consumed in thought,

Even when the sex is on the level that many would have to deny they bought,


For me sex is nothing more than dropping a squat,

For the posers it offers just as much thrill as getting shot,

I now spend my days wondering if there is such a thing as a real me or not,


What is a real me?

Would I ever find serenity if such a thing were to be?

Or would I just sing about a sweet land tis of thee?


This world consumed in drama,

And the best they can do is complain about some actor named Obama,

And cheer while Peyton Manning screams about "Omaha",


Maybe that is why my mind is so filled with doubt,

Because I am surrounded by people that find dumb shit to brag and bitch about....

"Morals" and if STD's were people...

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The Roid-stapo...

To the gym I go,
Twice a day so I don't have to feel guilty about eating a ho-ho,

To look better without a shirt is all I want,
It helps give me confidence when I am out looking to slay some cunt,

I ride to the gym blasting my beats to get my testosterone high,
Some espresso is alls I need to fly,
Unlike some the gym is not ride or die,
Just something to help my heart get by,

I pull into the parking lot knowing I am about to do a workout that a bath of Epsom salt will have to sooth,
I grab my head phones so I can like it to my phone using this dope shit called Bluetooth,

I grab my car keys that has the card to check in with which I swipe,
The skinny muthafucka at the desk give me a look like he is Blade played by Wesley Snipes,

I walk to the locker room while noticing how much the joint is packed,
That's ok since the cardio is lined with honeys whose racks are mighty stacked,
Much better to look at than oily skinned mofos wear Muscle Pharm like they were threatened with getting whacked,
Hopefully these jerkoffs will mind their business and stay the fuck back,

I throw off my work shirt and boots,
Obviously the pants come off too,
As I hear Miley on the sound system which makes me want a hollow point to blow my brain threw,
Shit that bitch doesn't even have an ass worth a Mountain Dew,

I thrown on my b-ball shorts and quicksilver t-top,
And lace on my Under Armour sneakers that my home girl that was on sale during a shop,

I throw on my head phones with a look of daring,
and crank up the volume on the head phones that has Young Buck blaring,
as I leaver the locker room with a bearing,

Today is shoulders,
Despite it being Monday which means chest for all the posers,
Especially this one prick that smells like he hasn't showered since the Sopranos been over,

As I begin to do my over head press,
He comes over barking because my form is a point of his stress,
I give him a look like his personality is a mess,
He walks off like my presence is nothing to bless,

All I have to say if this guy is a bitch you wish to aspire too,
The funny thing is that Hitler is someone else that many a twat admired through and through,
Leave me the fuck alone is all I wish you would do,

But I do wonder what is this form he speaks of,
As blood looks like it is about to hit the mat from above,
They form so many dots on the back of his wife beater it makes me wonder if I could draw a dove,

He has his boys whose muscles also bulge,
Hooking with skinny white chicks and winning a fight their dreams indulge,
Their personalities are quite see through,

That's when it hits me what this form is of which they claim to move with and use,
It's actually quite obtuse,

It just requires putting together two and two,

The sum is some bending over,
While a prick goes into their ass like meat loaf in an oven from Marie Stover,

A steroid needle I mean,
As these guys don't have the game to make Anderson Cooper's eyes beam,

All the have is their fucking juice,
As they can't even land the chicks that reek of being loose,

Enjoy your metal and protein,
Because when I'm done with this workout I'm going to your honey's house; she suck my dick clean....

Gays vs Fags

I'm a straight guy. I have never been confused about my sexual orientation and have never had anything that has raised any questions to the contrary. On the other hand I do consider myself an open minded individual and realize that everyone is wired differently due to genetics and I do fully believe that homosexuality and bisexuality is something you are born with. I would say Fred Phelps could lick my asshole after a bowel movement post-dining out at an all you can eat Indian buffet but the fact that he is so adamant in his hatred towards homosexuality makes me think that he is more than likely a closeted homosexual whom would take me up on it; if I wasn't already 11 years past puberty. Now don't get me wrong as this is not going to be some other retarded rant on how gays should enjoy the same rights to marriage or whatever. The Supreme Court already decided that shit and I think it was about time. Same sex couples have a right to enjoy the frustration joy that is monogamy as any other American or human being for that matter.

This is more about an ongoing annoyance that has risen about this issue or more specifically a word and yes it is the word "faggot". Chris Rock once said that there was a difference between black people and niggers. Well the same thing applies to individuals that find joy in the entry of cock into asshole since they are wired to feel that a vagina brings too much variety into the issue. I have no problem with gay guys but I do have a huge issue with faggots. First off though I think we need two examples so that people can understand where this issue lies.

 

 

 

If you have watched TV for any stretch of time then you know that the guy pictured above is none other than Anderson Cooper. He is a journalist whom has won a Peabody Award (Neil Patrick Harris can't even claim that shit) as well as a self identified homosexual. He likes cock as any gay or bisexual man does but he doesn't define himself by it. Many wouldn't have even guessed it or had a reading on their proverbial "gay-dars" until he sent an email to Andrew Sullivan in 2012. This is an excerpt:

 

"I’ve also been reminded recently that while as a society we are moving toward greater inclusion and equality for all people, the tide of history only advances when people make themselves fully visible. There continue to be far too many incidences of bullying of young people, as well as discrimination and violence against people of all ages, based on their sexual orientation, and I believe there is value in making clear where I stand.

 

The fact is, I’m gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.

I have always been very open and honest about this part of my life with my friends, my family, and my colleagues. In a perfect world, I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business, but I do think there is value in standing up and being counted. I’m not an activist, but I am a human being and I don’t give that up by being a journalist."


He identifies himself as a human being. One that likes cock but a human being nonetheless. It's just who he is and he doesn't try to embellish it or make it as something more than it is. Even though I have never met the guy or had a drink with him, and yes I would have a drink with him simply due to the fact that I think he is one of the few legit journalists that still has a genuine voice in mainstream media, I am pretty sure that it would take more than having a preference for cock to have a chance at hooking up with Anderson Cooper. In reality you would probably have to spark some chemistry with him on an intellectual level just like how I have had to for the women I've given the Big O to in my life. It takes some serious game to hook up with Anderson Cooper.

Now the flamboyant fellow above is none other than Freddy Mercury of the Band "Queen". Their music was famous and had plenty of artistic merit. "Bohemian Rhapsody" never really got a rise out of me but "Stone Cold Crazy" was pretty dope. Freddy Mercury was a gifted musician that loved cock. He was also the textbook definition of what you would call a "faggot". Guys like him is why AIDS spread like it did during the 80's because he couldn't keep his cock in his pants for long enough to get a last name. This is how he got HIV/AIDS himself. It sucks that it happened to him as it does for anyone that has died from or suffers from this disease but at the same time his flamboyant, promiscuous lifestyle played a role in it. Those are just facts just like the fact that he can be labeled with such a label.

He's the guy that other fags aspire to when they try to "convert' straight guys as such a behavior is symptomatic of being a faggot. When they can't "convert" you they accuse you of being a homophobe and that you don't know if you are gay until you try it. There was actually a faggot that actually tried this line of logic on me and didn't even realize that I worked at a gym despite me having told him plenty of times during conversations when I was watching the door. I knew I wasn't gay from that very job alone since part of my job was going into the men's locker room in order to change out towels; this meant I saw plenty of naked guys in the nude. Fuck, my own boss, male boss, whom is also a long time friend of mine saw me naked as I hopped out of the shower this one time and guess what. No erection, no erotic thoughts, no confusion, no awkwardness, nothing. That's what happens in men's locker rooms; sometimes guys see you naked. Erections on the other hand might raise some questions.

Faggots are basically the kinds of homosexuals that you have to worry about slipping you a date rape drug so that they can "give you a ride home". Just as in the same a way a nigger would hold a chick at knife point just to say to "bust a nut" or why a cracker like Strom Thurmond would hook up with a black chick and yet deny the baby wasn't his so that he wouldn't lose the White Protestant vote (those are the "crackers" by the way my brown skinned friends).

Black guys, white guys, gay guys, and anyone else that can be slapped with a label only become that label when they give into it. They only settle for being characters in this freak show that we call our reality. With all the derogatory labels presented I have a much better one for such individuals that decide to give into and act accordingly to a preconceived stereotype; JERKOFFS. Want to know why? Because they are only good for the entertainment that you can yank one out to before going back to shit that matters like keeping these jerkoffs from ruining this world for the people that actually give a shit for others outside themselves. At least they aren't as bad as Politicians, Bankers, Lobbyists, Oil Execs, The Saudi Royal Family or The Bush Family.



Math...

The source of much ire,
Math is something the brightest play with to aspire,

Most run our world based on fairy tales from books,
Math tells us our reality itself may be one filled with many kooks,
The suppression of such study is the behavior of all the crooks,
They care not to take second or third looks,

Many a fairy tale I look to string,
Because those in power want to decide of what we should laugh and sing,

I know not in which solace we can bath,
I just know it's in the math,
Hopefully my species will eventually get on that path,

The language of our reality many whom understand it they say,
Maybe visitors from another realm will come with questions on a random day,
And we will have more to say than just, "Que?"

If that day does ever come,
Maybe those who understand it will keep the idiots mum,

As of this moment right now,
Math is the only thing that can truly make us bow,

For those that would rather figure it out,
Maybe they can help us so our ignorance doesn't doom us in a rout....

Strings....

Strings conceive the perceptions of my reality,
Many a dogma tried to deny this proudly,

They make up more shit than an atom;
At least they are more honest than those who tell stories of Eve and this jerk off named Adam,

Many a genius spend their nights trying to figure them out,
Hopefully powerful men will listen to them before the time we have runs out,
Maybe then controlling time will be another thing for my species to brag about,
Otherwise there never may be evidence for anyone else to find of how much we thought we were stout,

Strings, your vibrations make up my day,
No matter what the powerful and bitter old men say,
All they can do is kneel and pray,
How dumb it is that they think this is a game that can be played,

Then again Strings will have no need to care,
Just another symphony they will bear,

That's the thing about strings and gravity,
They conduct the entertainment that many atone to and testify soundly,

Fermions, Leptons, Bosons, and Quarks,
Clouds of probability they are as Planck would Bark,
"My God does not play Dice!" was shouted as Einstein wanted to remain stark,
A theory to unify their thoughts would make our future appear less dark,

Strings you make up my reality,
As well as allow me to see running backs get annihilated by Jadaveon Clowney,

So this is what I will say,
Let's let go of all our conflicts and war game,
Maybe then this can be a reality where it is safe to play......

The Paleo Workout

Everyone talks about the Paleo Diet but no one talks about the Paleo Workout so here it is, The Paleo Workout:

1. Move to Africa or just into a heavily wooded area minus any clothing whatsoever or any belongings for that matter. No IPhone, No Toothpaste, no laptop, no tablet, no red bull, and most importantly; no Starbucks. This is about proper form.

2. Find shelter. You ain't going to be able to shed those pounds if you die from hypothermia.

3. Build a fire. I can tell you how to build one but since you want to live like a caveman and be faithful to the lifestyle then that means figuring it the fuck out.

4. Look for lots of bugs. They are easy protein and will keep you going in times near starvation.

5. Walk around the woods when the weather is bearable and look for big game.

A. If you find big game and don't have a sharp stick: RUN FOR YO MUTHAFUCKIN LIFE!!!! This will help to get your cardio in and as we all know sprints are effective cardio.

B. If you find big game with a stick: Chase that son of a bitch down and stab it to death with that big stick. This will work both your aerobic and anaerobic conditioning not to mention having plenty of protein for the week. You will also need to find a source of salt to preserve what you don't eat so that protein can last you for a few weeks.

Repeat these steps for the rest of your life and avoid all signs of civilization and cell phone towers. This way you will be able to fully enjoy the Paleo lifestyle.