What the fuck Warner Bros? My Godzilla review

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When Blue Balling Goes Wrong

So either I am a terrible human being, an awesome human being, a terribly awesome human being, or an awesomely terrible human being. I am sitting here recollecting on the past 12 hours and I don’t know if what happened can be considered hilarious, womanizing, misogynistic, short-sighted, selfish, insensitive, or just Machiavellian in regards to my dick. Damn you Trayvon, damn you. Yes, I am now naming my dick Trayvon because it deserves justice and is always wearing a hoodie made of foreskin.

Here’s my thing about women; I don’t expect sex from them and I don’t expect to get blue balled either. I’m not going to be a dick about it; especially when the chick that is passed out in my bed, that is currently blue balling me, accuses me of using her for sex. I know that trick and veterinarians call it neutering. However, I know if I am patient enough she will eventually cave in. That doesn’t help me at 6 in the morning with a full on erection. If I was raised in Kentucky I probably would have already forced the sex but my dad actually raised me to be a gentleman. I suck at it but a I try. Not raping or hitting women at least gives me a C+. Maybe if I didn’t blog about my booty calls and post topless pics of them I’d be the interesting Ginger in the world or something. I think I am but everyone gets hung on this political correctness shit or as I like to call it, “blue balling the male gender at large.”

Yeah, I don’t know what it’s like being a women and getting eyed up like a piece of meat but then again women don’t know what it’s like being wired to look at every attractive women in their visible spectrum as a masturbatory aid. Never mind when all the blood goes to the proverbial small head when women don’t even have a proverbial small head; they just have, “moods”. That’s difference between men and women; women have to be in the mood for sex while men are always in the mood for sex. Women expect men to get over their genetics yet women can’t get over their petty little feelings. That might sound sexist and I really don’t give a shit. Any women that would get pissed off about this is a waste of a vagina and deserves to get cervical cancer so that we can have less prude, bigoted bitches. Fuck them; oh wait, you can’t because they aren’t in the mood to put out.

Luckily, I have options and at that very moment one was texting me about how horny she was. This was ironic since I wanted to beat up some meat flaps in a pleasurable manner as well. I asked her if she wanted to come over but gave her heads up about the blue baller passed out in my bed. She simply responded via text with, “Ughhhhhh kick her out.” After I clarified that I was her ride she refined her request with “kick her out of the bed”. This is where whatever conscience I have kicked in and I had a moral dilemma; my dick or the blue baller’s feelings. Unfortunately my dick is passive aggressive and since the blue baller wanted to teach my dick a lesson Trayvon felt it was time for some justice. Honestly, blue balling is the George Zimmerman of sex acts.

I walked into the bed room hesitantly and fully aware of the shit storm of annoying that I was about to start; all for my dick. I looked at the blue baller for a moment and took a deep breath. I tapped her on the shoulder until she woke up:

Me: “Hey, ummmm, I got another girl coming over and I kind of need the bed. Could you sleep on the roommate’s bed?”

She gave the familiar, “Are you fucking serious?” and I just looked away trying not to make eye contact my dick had already made up its mind; holding the blood and logic for my bigger head hostage. The blue baller didn’t want to be used for sex and my dick didn’t want to be used to satiate her sense of self-worth. I saw this as a suitable compromise. Then again I wasn’t the one begrudgingly walking to the roommate’s bed. I had a feeling she was trying to prove a point by blue balling me which would work with most guys but then again I am not most guys because most guys think like a guy; i.e. a fucking idiot. Yeah, I might think with my dick but my dick works on game theory. What this means is that I try to pay attention to all the chicks in my life because that increases the odds of keeping my dick in a state of perpetual satisfaction. I always want justice for Trayvon; always.

The girl came over and we fucked in my now vacant bed. The sex was pretty normal. That’s not saying anything other than normal; in and out till ejaculation while acting like I care if she got off even though I think I do care. That’s when I heard the roommate walk into the house. The roommate that I thought would be at work till about 5 in the afternoon since he is the 9-5 type. I quickly threw on some pants and darted out to the living room where he was. I made some odd small talk before threatening him with my psychopathy if he didn’t give me a few minutes to get the blue baller out of his bed without any drama. He agreed; also in a begrudging fashion. People acting begrudgingly makes me want to act like Patrick Bateman.

I walked back into my room where the girl whom got me off says I should make the blue baller go to the couch while she gets her hair and make-up done so she can go to work. The blue baller is awake at this point and she is not happy. She is even less happy when I inform her of the couch idea.

BlueBaller: “Just take me home!”

I can’t argue with this thanks to whatever empathy I have in the presence of women that have fucked me. That’s the only way to get to my feelings; my dick. It’s the only reason why I am nice to women; my dick. It’s the only reason why I don’t punch them; my dick. It’s the only reason why I don’t hate them; my dick. My dick is the reason why I can think like a women minus the hate for them.

Eventually the girl I was fucking leaves after giving me my birthday gift; a UFC encyclopedia that covers everything about the Ultimate Fighting Championships up to about UFC 112. One on end it’s a nice gift but on the other end it’s a reminder of a time in my life that has become a sore spot. It reminds me when I actually I had hope based on sentimentality. A time when I actually thought that having a dream was enough.

She left for work and I went back into the house to deal with BlueBaller. As I walked to my room she walked past me to the bathroom while avoiding all eye contact. She was making believe that I wasn’t their. I was the giant elephant in the room since the blood had left Trayvon and returned to the big head. That was my realization. All I could do was sit on my bed in silence as I knew I was going to catch some shit. I always do from blue baller for this thing that I call, “having a dick”.

She claimed that I proved her point even though her point had now changed to me just being about sex. I wouldn’t say that I am only about sex. There is about a half an hour period after I cum when I think about things that don’t revolve around me dick. It’s probably only about 85% of the time at most. I mean I do think about other things like physics, psychology, comedy, and politics not mention how I look in the mirror and going to the gym to look better in the mirror. Besides her point, originally, was that I was using HER for sex which ironically means that she thinks in term of manipulation as well. The only difference is that I am aware of that quirk; she still lives in the silly little fantasy world of sentiment or “feelings” if you will.

That’s something I have a hard time picking up on with “normal” people; their feelings; most of the time they just come off as superficial trash to me when I do pick up on them. This also means that I hurt their feelings without realizing it. I explained this to BlueBaller along with the fact that I was kind of born a psychopath so I don’t really live inside of social norms which I think shouldn’t have to be explained to a chick covered in tattoos and piercings but what do I know? Maybe one day we will have a President Albert who sports a Prince Albert. I dropped her off at her car and she made a bee line for it like I….well….kicked her out of my bed to have sex with another girl. It’s funny she tried making a point with me and I ended up making a point with her.

The Bedroom: Bigotry's Last Stand

So everyone has been making a big deal about Donald Sterling's dumb, bigoted ass getting caught on recording expressing his views about his mixed race mistress posting a picture of her with Magic Johnson on Instagram. We all heard the recording so no point in breaking it down, but it does bring up something that is being overlooked and that is the concept of preferences. Anyone that's not Donald Sterling knows that what he said was wrong except for other rich white people. Sterling is basically a diet Strom Thurmond that is more than happy to associate with minorities, and make money off of them, but no way in hell will he be caught associating with them in any social functions where his rich, white friends might be around. In his mind it wouldn't be appropriate. To him the NBA is nothing more than a cotton plantation and him signing the paychecks of the likes of Chris Paul, Blake Griffin, and Doc Rivers is the proverbial lashing. In his mind the pen is mightier than the whip. THAT is the source of the issue as far as most are concerned.

"I'm not racist. I pay 12 black guys every year."

I on the other hand say that is the source of the issue at face value, but like any issue dealing with civil rights the rabbit hole goes much deeper. When it comes down to it the rabbit hole that is civil rights is pink and stops right at the G-Spot. Ironically that is more than likely where it truly started. Just like how hand to hand combat sports started with Pankration in Ancient Greece only to be disseminated throughout western and eastern cultures only remerge again as vale tudo in brazil, and now Mixed Martial Arts in the United States. The only difference being combat sports deals with pounding faces for the sake of inflicting trauma while sex involves dealing with a cock pounding vagina for the sake of pleasure; or an asshole for all those that like anal, hetero or homosexual. I think that's an egalitarian way of putting it.

Now I say bigotry instead of prejudice because they are actually two different things albeit with a  lot of societal overlap. Prejudice, believe it or not, is necessary for a society and our species to function. You can't treat a lion the same way you'd treat a Chihuahua. One may piss on your leg out of anger while the other will make you part of their diet if you come into their territory. Lions don't make good pets, Chihuahuas do even they think that they are lions that can shit on your rug. Without prejudice we couldn't have laws and regulation to keep a populace in check from such naughty human behaviors like rape, lynching, murder, owning a Land Rover, etc. There would be no way to keep people accountable for their actions. A society without prejudice wouldn't be a society at all; it would be anarchy and it wouldn't be the heaven that libertarians think it would be. It might be heaven for those that bang their heads to death metal and smoke meth for breakfast while kicking kittens; then again I know a lot of metal heads that like kittens and hate meth.

Bigotry on the other hand is the slippery slope to such warm, fuzzy concepts as genocide, apartheid, and Glenn McConnell's political career. It is action based and linked to toxic prejudicial thoughts that lead to such dehumanization. There is healthy prejudice and toxic prejudice; the difference is toxic prejudice makes it into history books while healthy prejudice is found in science books. So what does this all have to do with sex, bigotry, and preferences? Everything actually seeing that when it comes to sex everyone is bigoted; EVERYONE.

Personally my own bigotry towards sex has evolved over the years. When I first started having sex my preference was anyone that was consenting. Then it evolved to anyone consenting whose breasts come out further than their stomach. Then it was anyone consenting whose tits came out further than their stomachs whom are also down for choking, hair, pulling, spanking, or anything else found in 50 Shades of Grey or a Tucker Max novel. Now it is all of those on top of someone that can hold an intellectual conversation that also has a sense of humor. In other words I'm into sluts that can understand how comedy and string theory can apply to being tied up while being railed whilst in the doggy position all while having a belt a belt wrapped around the neck so that I can properly constrict their carotid arteries for the sake of orgasm. What can I say? I'm a freak.

That's just me though and unfortunately most people do not share my views; this is why most people also suck in bed. That's why rich, white girls that have preferences that doesn't include black guys also have a preference for just laying there during sex. If they would just open their minds up and take in some black dick  then they might actually figure out how to use their hips to fit the entire mandingo anaconda in. Lo and behold most of them are content with never getting a guy off and finding some frat boy to turn into another impotent pet that gets his rocks off on cocaine and hookers. It's why we can't have nice things and its why porn is so lucrative since women call it a fantasy on porn's part while I call it a lack of motivation on said step ford wives' part.

Bigotry isn't solely designated to rich, white women. For every bigoted white woman saying they only do "southern gentlemen" I'll show you a chunky white trash female that is ONLY looking for BBC; "big black cock" for those that don't frequent craigslist. For every female only looking for a "sugar daddy" I'll show you a "sugar daddy" only looking for chicks that can be paid to go away. You show me a mixed race women only interested in gingers and I'll show you a bunch of happy gingers. Ok maybe that last one is a preference on my part and even though I do love attractive beige woman I also sleep with many outside that preference. That's just the crème de le crème for me but at the same time who can turn down a twinkie?

"Think about that question long and hard if you are thinking about saying no."

Having preferences is fine as long as you understand the meaning of the word. A preference means that you like one thing more than another. At the same time it doesn't rule out options. Personally if I had a choice between Pepsi or Coke I would prefer water because I hate love handles but if there was no water I'd choose one or the other instead of going thirsty. However, when it comes to sex most people would rather be sexually frustrated thirsty instead of nourishing their thirst just because they don't have a water option. We all do it and its absurd because we would rather choose preferences over satisfaction. That is why there are, "so many problems" in the world as sexually frustrated people would say. If you want to fix the problems then get over your petty little preferences and start fucking. Don't be stupid about it; make sure they don't have a major STD or something but your not going to live forever. Do you really want to die miserable? If there is chemistry then just fuck. Fuck your brains out, fuck their brains out, and fuck their best friend's brains out if they'll consent to it. That's why bonobos have a civilized society while chmpanzees are about as civil as the Middle East despite the genetic similiarities between the two; or them and us for that matter. If Chimps wore bomb vests that is. The last time I checked Sharia law wasn't too fond of casual sex in a no strings attached manner.

Bottom line is that the progress of a society can be judged by the amount of progress in the bedroom. As long as preferences are treated like requirements with no room for experimentation then bigotry will still be in our mists and such charming fellows as Donald Sterling will be able to have relevancy in our society. If people want a society that is truly blind in its treatment of human beings and solely judges them on the content of their character then people need to get beyond their hang ups in the bedroom which would solve the problem that is the difference between the inside and outside of the bedroom. That problem being outside the bedroom everyone complains about getting fucked while inside of it they complain about not getting fucked enough. The locations are actually one in the same. What makes it a problem is us.

Lets be the solution for once.

God...No God...Is there 11 Dimensional lube?

Is there a God? Is there no God? Does it really matter? These are the questions that rule our days on both conscious and subconscious levels. It stems from our Theory of Mind which stems from our awareness of the inevitability of death. This has led to some great innovation and an exponentially vaster amount of stupidity. Then again if it wasn't for that there wouldn't be any motivation for smart people to escape the perils of obscurity so maybe stupidity isn't so stupid after all.  Maybe incompetence serves intellectual purposes especially since it would be hard to identify geniuses without some form of the sentient litmus test that can be found walking the aisles of Wal-Mart.

 

Then again in the grand scheme of things on cosmological scales we are all no better than asking if you want intergalactic fries with that. That's why Douglas Adams is a genius and Justin Bieber is nothing more than cannon fodder for TMZ. I know going after Bieber is kind of cliche but then again when you get more pussy than I do and haven't hit puberty then you're fair game. Many a pessimist would say that we are quite insignificant and if you went solely based on size they would be right. Then again smaller things tend to pack more power than bigger things. We may not be 41.7 Billion light years wide and growing at faster than the speed of light but the fact that we can comprehend that is quite remarkable. Even more remarkable is the fact that we do, in theory, have the ability spread out and be able to manipulate that some day. Colonizing Mars might appear to be a huge step, currently, but thousands of years from now our descendants will probably look upon it as child's play. Just like how a caveman would be befuddled at how we drive in carriages propelled by controlled explosions or that obesity is an epidemic because attaining food is as easy as going to a fast food drive through. They would also probably be a little shocked that people try to mimic what they ate to survive as a fad diet now, i.e. the Paleo Diet.

 

I'm not religious by any means and for awhile I was adamantly anti-religious but I was also born Catholic. For awhile I believed that there was a God and he would take care off those that did good and banished evil. I felt it was absolutely black and white; that there was no room for negotiation and that evil was evil. In other words I was Fox News. Then shit happened to me. I was falsely accused of rape, a friend of mine got murdered, I went through a couple rocky romances, sustained a traumatic brain injury which ended my mixed martial arts career, and then my dad died unexpectedly of a heart attack. My world perspective, for lack of better word, was shattered beyond recognition. Everything that I thought was true turned out not to be so. My dad wasn't going to be around forever. I wasn't going to fight George St. Pierre for a UFC title. Bad things happen to good people but what they don't tell you is what those bad things do to good people. It changes them and for some it corrupts them. They become they very evil that they wouldn't even consider becoming prior to traumatic events. It's why victims of child molestation are more likely to become sex offenders themselves; that or strippers and porn stars even though those two tend to be more pro-social than rapists.

 

The thing with institutionalized ideologies such as religion is that their goal and purpose is to instill a standard of civilized thought; programming the masses if you will. It's really just programming or a blue pill if you follow The Matrix. It gives those whom would otherwise act irrational and malicious a social construct that instills order and a sense of justice. It breeds civilization and when run efficiently can actually be quite effective on local and regional scales. That is until their are dissenting perspectives that throw the programming into a state of flux. We all want to think that we are open minded but the truth is those individuals are still quite the minority. Most homo sapiens are programmed to dehumanize when people with dissenting views, or even just appear different, come into our mists. This has led to many an atrocity since our species became the apex predators of this planet. Here's a few examples:

 

"Jews aren't cool."-Adolf Hitler

 

"They like the old Russia huh?"-Joseph Stalin

 

"They don't think I'm a God."-Kim Jung Un

 

"They are infidels."-9/11 Hijackers

 

"Lincoln freed who?"-John Wilkes Booth

 

 

Obviously there are plenty of more examples but those are the ones that jump out to me. So what's the point of all this? Programming is what. It's becoming increasingly evident that the universe runs on math in some shape or form. According to theoretic physicist Brian Greene's book, The Hidden Reality, there is philosophy that our reality is nothing more than math feeling itself. Yes, you read that right. Everything you have ever seen or felt could just be the result of reality massaging it's galactic cock in a vigorous fashion which would probably mean that math has some callouses by now. Maybe that is what Pi is; a callous on math's jerking off hand. Then again math is written; its spoken. Math is a language and the only one that we know of to be universal. It's the true programming as it regulates everything. It is everything and its jerking off. Sounds like a porno doesn't it? What if that's what all our reality is; a massive cyber galactic 3-dimensional porno and we are all the fluffers and strokers? What other beings are also doing some stroking; on a keyboard as well as using 11-dimensional Windex to clean it up.

 

Maybe our entire reality is a porno devised by horny 11 Dimensional programmers looking to get their rocks off. They got bored of watching 11 dimensional girls with 11 dimensional boobs getting their 11 dimensional rocks off while their 11 dimensional lusters/thrusters fill them up with 11 dimensional semen. That 11 dimensional semen could lead out onto 10 dimensional sheets and leave 10 dimensional stains while the thruster try to get there 11 dimensional cocks up again so they can penetrate 11 dimensional assholes after lubing them up to trim down on the friction. All this could be going on while our three dimensional selves could be wondering one those all too important existential questions:

 

"Is somebody cumming?"

 

Maybe they are content with just getting their rocks off and maybe so should we.

 

"And you thought a cigar was just a cigar huh?"

 

 

 

 

Milk, Honey, and Black Shit

Milk, Honey, and Black Shit:

It's funny how Christians describe Heaven. You know? They say it is the land of Milk and Honey; Milk and Honey. Isn't that basically two ingredients short of an order at Starbucks? In order to complete the order you would need some black shit; i.e. coffee. This requirement has not changed ever since I became aware of it, it's always been the land of milk and honey; but no black shit. Kind of makes you wonder the fate Martin Luther King Jr. doesn't it?

 

 MLK: "Hello St. Peter. I got shot in the head and now I'm here."

St. Peter: "Yeah-------about that."

MLK: "What do you mean about that?"

St. Peter: "Well I don't know why the milk and honey people were letting you preach about Christianity and judging by one's character but there was some fine print on this whole heaven thing,"

MLK: "What fine print? I though you just had to be a good person and believe in Jesus."

St. Peter: "Yeah-------you do but---- It's also the land of milk and honey. Not the land of Milk, Honey, and Black shit. There is another place that allows all three though."

MLK: "Oh, where's that?"

St. Peter: "Starbucks; technically it wont be open for a couple decades but we have that whole time travel thing down pat so it's not an issue for us."

MLK: "I mean are all my friends and family there?"

St. Peter: "Yes, all the black shit goes to Starbucks. Besides you don't want to go in Heaven anyway. It's nothing but white people shit with their milk and honey. The only one that has actually found a loop hole is Nelson Mandela because he scared the white shit out of them; a little bit. Honestly he just went in to knock up some of their women to make heaven more beige to maybe allow for some black shit in the future via an executive order."

MLK: "Oh----well I don't want to be violent;---- I guess---- I'll take the Starbucks option."

St. Peter: "Cool, we just have to wait for the Starbucks bus. I'd say you could take the milk and honey bus but they'd make you ride in the back according to their corporate black shit guidelines. Rosa Parks raised a huge fit about it."

 

 

I guess what I'm saying is fuck Heaven; go to Starbucks..........

#Surfboard

Before I get started I will go ahead and say that I would work Beyoncé's labia with a flow that would make Jay-Z jealous. I would spank that ass as she twerked it side to side. I would let her rain on my wood. Shit I would even refer to my uncircumcised cock as a surfboard if that is what got her to squirt so that she would soak my wood to the point that that I would need Thompson's Water seal in order to prevent jungle rot. Shit, if I ever became president I'd issue an executive order to have Jay-Z whacked via a drone strike just so I could have Beyoncé as friend with benefits. I don't how I'd go about making the rest of that plan come to fruition after taking Hova out but maybe another executive order could solve that dilemma because no matter how much I lust Beyoncé I'm not putting a ring on shit.

 

"Don't worry Beyoncé. The hair pulling and choking would be worth putting up with my psychopathic, Ginger ass."

 

Sasha Fierce, Beyoncé's Amazonian alter ego, has been on a role ever since she went solo and recently released an album that revolves around her sex life with Jay-Z; it also involves other things about their relationship but who really cares? Two songs in particular that have been turning night clubs into foreplay have been "Partition" and "Drunk In Love". Both songs involve sex with Mr. Izzo; "Partition" involves sex with him in a limo while "Drunk In Love" is about her riding him reverse cow girl fashion in a bath tub. I tried the latter out a few weeks ago and I have to admit it's pretty fun while high on "loud", a strain of marijuana. If you don't know why it's called "Loud" then you haven't smoked it and need to if you are 420 friendly. 

 

While any form of sex is fun , outside of rape unless you're on a college sports team,  and nothing to complain about; it also is a drug which is why it is fun in the first place. The only problem is that you need exceedingly higher doses in order to get the same amount of enjoyment; just ask anyone that is drunk in love with heroine. That means for most people that treat sex as something sacred or important for reasons beyond procreation they see using a bathtub as an erotic Teahuppo (how's that for surfing lingo?). By that I mean they see it as something exciting, new, and a little taboo. For me it's just reverse cowgirl in a bathtub.  I've already moved onto swinging shit heads; get like me. 

 

Besides if surfing is as freaky as Beyoncé gets then she has nothing more to offer me than a prestigious notch on my belt. I would definitely hit it but you could bet your ass that I'd quit it due to some insensitive remark, on my part, born out her egocentrism coming into conflict with mine. It's not like she has anything to offer, besides prestige, over girls that I've fucked that were just as exotic as her if not better looking. I'd fuck Beyoncé, don't get me wrong, but that's all it would be; partition rolled up or not. But then again when it comes to the opposite sex I kind of live in a town where sex outside of one's race is considered blasphemy; or Progress for people living in blue states. This is why most white people suck in bed due to the nature of their culture; God-fearing especially when it comes to "darker" cultures. In other words it's just closeted racism.

 

 

 

"Yay I banged a Black Girl and didn't get AIDS."

 

 

In this time of Blasphemy/Progress people, for the most part, are becoming more open minded no matter how rapidly their defense mechanisms are firing. Sex is going from sacred to natural even though it has always been natural. Then again white people and nature don't exactly have a kosher relationship even though their language is green. This is getting off topic though so lets get to the point. If you think surfboarding is awesome then you are still a rookie which is ok because most people find one person to have sex with and are content with staying on the bench their whole lives; I'm not. I like to fuck; a lot. Here's "Partition"; one of the songs that is making white bitches want to ride surfboards all of a sudden. It'll probably get you harder that Rush Limbaugh's fat fucking head.

 

 

If you are already needing windex to clean off your laptop then take your time.

 

 

 There's another kind of woman besides the Amazonian/Exotic types that are just as freaky and fun. Not to mention they have a shit load of tattoos which is a HUGE turn on for me. They might as well call sluts with tattoos jackpots because if you get one for a fuck buddy that is the slut jackpot. They are the type of women that kick ass and take names at your nearest mosh pit and listen to Metal in all its shapes and forms. I'm talking about the type of woman that would rip Jay-Z's surfboard off and give Beyoncé a traumatic brain injury with it. Just like rich white girls, these bitches have a woman that epitomizes this stereotype as well. You may not know her but she is the lead singer of a band called Halestorm and hits the same lustful strings; minus the tattoos surprisingly. Her name is Lzzy Hale and she has a Grammy. Here's the song that got her that honor, "Love Bites (So Do I)":

 

 

 

 





What Lzzy might lack in proportions she sure as hell makes up for in enthusiasm. She's basically Miley Cyrus if Miley Cyrus actually had artistic merit and a legit personality. Just like Beyoncé, Lzzy Hale is an alpha female except that while Beyoncé is all about class and etiquette while getting her groove one Lzzy takes those concepts, throws them out the window, stomps on them, and sets the fuckers on fire. It's kind of ironic when you look at the progression/blasphemification of American culture. The black bitches be getting whiter while the white bitches be turning into Left eye from TLC. All I know is Beyoncé is all about the sales at this point, albeit she deserves it, while Lzzy seems to be more about the soul of artistic expression and she kicks ass while doing it. Beyoncé will fuck you till you are dry but all Lzzy needs to do is kiss you to leave a lasting impression. It's the same thing as a pitbull taking on a cobra. The pitbull may bite hard as shit but the cobra only needs one bite for it to be game over. Guys may brag about hooking up with Beyoncé but guys cry about Lzzy being out of their lives.

 

So I guess what I'm saying is all these bitches looking for surfboards can have fun with their bitches at the beach. I'd rather stick with the ones looking to ride a chopper. Ride a #Harley bitches. 



Shut The Fuck Uptology....

People talk now a days; a lot. More than that, they bitch like they just found out that living too long will kill you. It gets annoying as fuck and unfortunately we live in a time when it's not exactly kosher to stuff every jerk weed that bitches about Barack Obama into an ether filled oil drum, toss in a freshly struck match, send it rolling down the parking lot into the nearest Chuck E. Cheese, and grab some popcorn to enjoy the screams. One can only wish upon a star or an executive order that would allow murder 12 hours out of the year. They wouldn't have to do it in a 12 hour chunk. They could just do it one hour a month at random times just to really keep people on the toes. That  announce it like they  hour a month could be announced like the news does when a tornado is on the way to toss a herd of cows into some strip club with finest collection of country fried skanks with three teeth, stomachs that come out further than their tits, and exceptional methamphetamine habits in The Middle of Nowhere, Oklahoma.

Since murder is not exactly everyone's cup of ricin mixed with splenda infused tea; the only thing that any civilized pro-social psychopath can do is murder someone's self esteem, or soul for you God-fearing types. Luckily there is already a tactical thermo-nuclear warhead of logic that exists in the form of a command which can be effectively executed by saying, "Shut the Fuck Up." Notice how there wasn't an exclamation point? That's because there is a certain etiquette to telling people to shut the fuck up. So before you go ranting and raving to every wanna-be Juicy J to shut the fuck up while using the fact that their pants are sagging down to poverty as the basis of your logic you should keep reading; you don't want to get pistol whipped or worse. Shit even Juicy J says, "shut the fuck up" all the time. Muthafuckas follow but they never listen. Guess what? Time to listen.

Shut the Fuck Up Etiquette 101

So you are at a local hot dog stand at 2:30 in the morning. Your girl is giggling that you should hurry home via text, emoticons and all, but you're hungry. A man's gotta eat before a man "goes home to eat". We know what keeps your vagina happy because we have learned that when your vagina hurts; we hurt. Hence the concept of chivalry. Anyways what had meant to be simple hot dog purchased had all the makings of a shit show. That shit show being long line, a friend at a hot dog stand that you had only seen once briefly since one of his friends that he was close to died of an asthma attack and that friend was roommates with a girl you were banging. A girl that you wrote stories about on this blog with a shamelessly plugged link (http://frankandrews.blogspot.com/2013/07/theanderson-silva-of-vagina-occured.html). That girl is also a basis character for a science fiction trilogy that involves fucking dragons you are currently penning.

This is cool though since both of you guys understand the concept of human beings and respect. He is making hot dogs and doing his thing. There is also a really annoying bum that would look like a potential patient zero of an impending zombie pandemic. Luckily, you have 11 years of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai training under your existential belt to know that your biggest fear would be accidentally busting him open and getting Hep C tainted blood in your eyes. In other words you can be confident with your plan A which is the basis of where Shut the Fuck Uptology originates. When used properly it can defuse stress from situations. It is equal parts timing and tone. Just think about how Samuel L. Jackson uses the word, "motherfucker".

"Welcome to the Jedi school of thug life; muthafucka."

 

 

How the characters on screen handle it is irrelevant believe it or not since movies are works of fiction. However, they are also programming and Mr. Jackson has programmed an entire American generation to respect the word motherfucker because he delivers the word so well on screen. I don't care of if you are Godzilla, if Samuel L. Jackson said I want this "mothafuckin lizard out of this muthafuckin city" then Godzilla would just leave since he would realize it wouldn't be worth it. That's because of timing:

 

The Timing and Tone of Shut The Fuck Uptology:

 

Since the Shut the Fuck Uptology is an art, as well as a science, just like boxing or mixed martial arts. It helps to understand the timing of using a well executed, "shut the fuck up". You can't tell someone to shut the fuck up right off the bat because that's just a good way to get kicked out of a party or to get jumped. You have to let people talk and sometimes bite your tongue because people say stupid shit all the time but an individual person may not every second of everyday. Truthfully, even if they were it doesn't necessarily mean you have to tell them to, "shut the fuck up" because they might just be a smart guy that doesn't know any better due to bad parenting; or one of those "nice guy" things I keep hearing about.

 

The correct timing for telling someone, such as the crack head that was ruining my hot dog experience, is when they are annoying you AND others. Times like these are when harsh diplomacy is authorized in order to prevent violence in the form of a one hitta quitta or a flying beer bottle; or a bag of bloody used tampons if it's a group of feminists. For as harsh as telling someone to, "shut the fuck up" sounds it can actually do a lot of good; it can defuse a situation while getting you high off this amazing drug called, "silence".

After the bum had scared off this couple after basically trying to shove crack rocks in their pocket along with the neo-hippy hipster bartender that wanted to talk about how the little man gets fucked, yet doesn't explain why maybe doing something about it besides complaining since bitching doesn't solve shit. That's when the bum turned his attention to me and I just stopped paying attention to him like he was a stray dog; at least stray dogs have dignity and don't beg for sustenance. They have learned how to feed themselves. This worked for a few minutes until the guy stood right in my line of sight begging for my attention. It was at this moment that my logic allowed me to act on the lightning bolts building up in the empathetic centers of my mind and say, "Dude, shut the fuck up."

He froze for a moment and then he was about to go off on "full crackhead angry at a cracka" which is when I had to reiterate my sentiments by saying, "Did I stutter? Shut the fuck up." It was at this point that he realized that I had made a valid point about his behavior and his antics were beginning to garner some consequences from a logical Ginger prick with anger issues like myself. He calmed the down, shut the fuck up, and told me his name was Lamar. That was the end of it. He shut the fuck up, I was able to wait in line in peace, get my hot dog, eat it, and go home to my girl's place to have some sex. No one got hurt or went to jail which was all due to the fact that I told him to, "shut the fuck up" in a kind respectful manner. The timing was impeccable but the tone was even more important since the crack head knew I wanted him to shut the fuck up, but I cared about him as a human being.

 

 

People that need to "Shut The Fuck Up:

 

 

Now that we have the etiquette out of the way we can let's talk about people that need to shut THE fuck up. "The" is all in caps because these are people that really need to shut the fuck up:

 

1. Women that mention HPV anytime someone talks about sex:

 

If it wasn't for the fact that ripping out a bitches cervix, without consent, is illegal I would probably just do it like Kano from Mortal Kombat the second these bitches opened their masturbatory aids with vocal cords and just be done with it. Then again this is 'Murica. I can say it, I just can't do it and get away with it ever since that whole 19th Amendment thing got passed.

 

 

"You're next warts."

 

I get it ladies, you don't want a shit load of cancerous cells eating your reproductive system away like a bunch of rednecks that just found out it's the new special at Golden Corral along with a new chocolate fountain that has a slight hint of Taylor Swifts pussy to make it more paleo-friendly. If you are that scared then get the vaccine, Gardasil. Also everyone gets HPV at some point or another including the ones that cause cervical cancer. Usually it never develops past that unless you are already genetically predisposed to being at high risk for it. So unless you left your mom's meat locker straight in a self contained bubble free of any contaminants and have been there since then get the shot and/or shut the fuck up. Besides if you get cervical cancer it means that the universe thinks your vagina sucks and is looking to kill it off anyway.

 

2. Conspiracy Theorists/Tea Party:

 

Before I say anything I will say that if you have watched the Zapruder film and think John F. Kennedy was shot by just one person then you're an idiot; a simple understanding of geometry and physics will tell you that much. I'll even go out on a limb and say that J. Edgar Hoover and Allan Dulles were the ones that were pulling the strings; any understanding of the effects of power on human nature will tell you that as well. With that said conspiracy theorists need to shut the fuck up. Conspiracy theories use to be solely the foray of anyone that idolized David Duchovny but it has devolved into downright bigotry which happened right after this guy got elected:

 

 

"My Fellow Americans. Crackas gonna crack."

 

That's right, this new breed of conspiracy theorists stem from the fact that there isn't a white dude in the White House and there probably won't be for some time. George W. Bush wore out white people's welcome. It wasn't all his fault but it was the last straw for anyone that wasn't born with a trust fund or raw dogs their cousins. This country needed change and it came in beige with a hipster attitude. Obama is probably going to go down as one of the most polarizing presidents in United States history simply due to the fact that people don't know how to shut the fuck up; especially white people of Protestant backgrounds. That's why they call him a dictator because anyone that treats people fairly regardless of race is considered a dictator to White Anglo Saxon Protestants. This crowd comes from the same school of thought, and cotton plantations, that criticized Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. In other words they are the rich white people or "The Man" as it has been so eloquently put since the 1950's; in the south.

 

Quite ironic isn't it? The area of the country that was infamous for why "12 Years A Slave" is such an amazing film, or so I've heard, came up with a term that symbolizes tyranny and oppression based on bigotry towards skin tones yet they only use it when a President might actually enforce equality as a standard instead of as a nice idea for Halmark cards. That's what a little beige will do. The second a Commandeer in Chief comes around that looks a little black all of a sudden every Bible toting gun nut wants become a gun toting Harriet Tubman. It's basically politically correct racism yet they call it, "Saving America". What they should really call it is, "Saving our White 'Murican Women from becoming White 'Murican Single Moms". Basically this is a case where white people need to shut the fuck up and stop listening to Alex Jones.

 

3. People that Brag about watching porn:

 

I talked about this at length in a previous article on this blog which I am obviously going to plug on here in a shameless fashion ((http://frankandrews.blogspot.com/2013/12/watching-porn.html). If you are pressed for time I'll just sum it up with the fact that nobody watches porn; they masturbate to it. Watching is only a part of the porn process called, "masturbation". It's making the best out of not having anyone around that is down to fuck so that you don't go to a strip club and pay a $20 cover for a case of blue balls.

 

4. Guys that brag about having "Game":

 

In my years of drinking and fucking I have noticed that whenever some guy finally finds a chick to take home due to statistical inevitability they start to think they are Wilt Chamberlain with a License to supplement a bitches drinks with Rophynol. Shit that might have been how he got laid. They go around bragging about how much, "Game" they got. If they are rich then they will really lay it on thick by telling you how they spent $500 on a bitch's tab to get her to play just the tip with him and how she just laid there because he was too much of a pussy to talk to the chick with tattoos that was banging her head to death metal. That's not "Game" either. That's just a case of a bitch making a financial investment. No bitch will turn down a drink even at the risk of HPV. See why those bitches need to shut the fuck up just like these overly enthusiastic bags of testosterone?

 

 

 

 

In reality there is no game. It is just a matter of talking to bitches and eventually running into one that is down to fuck. I don't care if you have a wingman, 12 inch cock, or a Land Rover. I've hooked up with chicks, very attractive ones, while having nothing more than a '92 Honda Accord with brakes that were more shot than Sandy Hook. It all started because I actually had the balls to talk to a chick like a human being instead of as a masturbatory aid even if that was my only reason for talking to them. It doesn't mean I have game, it just means that I'm manipulative which is commonly referred to as, "thinking like a woman". I play on their emotions for the satisfaction of my dick. In other words I do it so my dick will shut the fuck up just like these twats that talk about having, "game" should.

 

5. White people that complain about not being able to say the word "Nigger":

 

I could have just grouped these assholes in with the Tea Party but most in the Tea Party are actually getting smart enough to just leave the word alone entirely, because they are all about political correctness. That and racism. They also don't want to catch an ass whooping and have their wife push out a beige surprise nine months later. Some are still held up on their "heritage" though. They are the assholes that claim that it's racist that black people can say it but white people can't which it is but not without reason. That reason being is that African-Americans in this country were well trained in the art of racism by white guys with whips for only about 400 years; not to mention with fire bombings, hangings, cops using a fire house and German shepherd as less than lethal force, and the occasional dragging of an 11 year old black kid behind a car till his head popped off because a couple white guys got pissed that he flirted with a white girl. There is your answer as to why you can't say it by the way. So unless you are Quentin Tarantino or Louis C.K. then shut the fuck up. They earned the right to say it, you haven't. I'm just a psychopath that doesn't give a shit.

 

 

"Or you could just be like this bitch and hope that everything you say in the kitchen stays in the kitchen."



 

 

In closing:

 

This is just the beginning of further research and exploration into the study of Shut The Fuck Uptology. There is a long, long list of people that need to shut the fuck up and actually take in information before opening their mouths. It should require a license or something but meritocracy is a change that is slowly coming so patience is a virtue. So in other words be patient, shut the fuck up, and you might actually start learning some shit instead of just talking shit. If in doubt, then shut the fuck up.

 

 



 





Fat Fucks and Oreos...

First they had "double stuffed" Oreos and now they have "MEGA" stuffed Oreos. How fucking stuffed do you need to be? Has anyone seen how many fat fucks there are in Wal-Mart and Golden Corral? Do these walking blobs that graze the aisles of American consumerism and impotence need any more cream to be stuffed with? Obviously they are going to eat it so can we just go ahead, bring eugenics back? This way we can stuff these fat never-gonna-fucks into a Consumerist Camp so we can have some evil beady eyed government doctors just shooting loads of bacon-chocolate-mountain dew-pigs foot-frappucino-infused Crisco into their bloated-Jerry-Springer-caliber-pie-holes and figure out how long it takes for a human being to burst from consuming? We could use the results it for going to Mars. I'm sure Michael Moore would volunteer.

 

"There might be aliens suffering under economic inequality and substandard healthcare."

 

A story came out a few days ago on reddit about NASA claiming that civilization could collapse in the next few decades. For conspiracy theory nuts this will probably fuel their paranoia and actually hope that these idiots die from the press of the button by some shadowy figure. I mean honestly a the Zapruder film does, in my opinion, give enough evidence that there was a second guy that made JFK's head explode like a melon loaded with bottle rockets but this conspiracy theory shit has now turned into something that I have hash tagged #WhitePeopleShit. It was cute for awhile but now has just devolved into hysteria. I mean our government has done some awful shit along with every other government has existed but when you can't even decided whether the WTC was brought down with nano-thermite or a miniature atomic bomb then any talk about it loses credibility.

 

I'm at the point now where not only do I think that for the most part the United States government does have some moral authority on world affairs just based on the fact it's illegal to punch a bitch in the face and rape her mom because they burned your toast which is much more than I can say for other countries; looking your way Saudi Arabia. I also think that most conspiracy theorists sorely misunderstand what the United States government is as well as Vladimir Putin. That's because most forget what has been the most powerful weapon the United States has ever had; advertising. Our country advertises our country better than any other country advertises theirs. That's why everywhere in the world people know of America but people in America only know of other countries when the show up on CNN. It's why the world sport is soccer and yet America doesn't give a shit. Face it world, we have the better food, we have the better athletes, the better movies, and obviously the better porn. Oh yeah and we have Beyoncé. America 1-World 0. Go back to kicking the ball world, we'll pick it up and slam it on your head with our tongues stuck out like Michael Jordan.

 

"You do Judo? That's cute."

 

Now that we have that out of the way we can go ahead and actually talk about how to take our next step as a nation after, of course, we kill all these fat, dumb fucks that are allowing rich white people to use dumb fat people stuck in a J. Edgar Hoover/Malcom X mentality. It's just bigotry on both sides. #WhitePeopleShit clashing with #BlackPeopleShit and if anyone watches professional sports then white people should realize that they just need to throw in the towel now and concede defeat while keeping whatever dignity they have left. Besides there are enough fat fucks on both sides of the racist trash spectrum that I think the enlightened of us realize that there needs to be a "Fat Fuck Final Solution". Shit we can make it the final season of The Biggest Loser so that Jillain Michaels can go back to what she does best afterwards; push ups and licking carpet.

 

 

"It's Paleo-Friendly."

 

Once that is out of the way we can finally get down to the business of actually getting this country to taking it's next logical step in dominating the rest of the planet. The people of the world love America but only bitch about us when we are dropping bombs on their punk asses till they smell what Uncle Sam is cooking. This means we need a voting public that knows how to fuck shit-----properly. This also means that our voting system is going to need a massive overhaul i.e. it's going to need people with some serious game. That would entail that the only guys that should be allowed to vote are the ones that have been able to at least fuck 20 girls by the age of 30 and for women they would have to show the ability to be able to make a guy bust a nut in under 10 minutes, on average, which would mean we would need guys to volunteer for "fucking tests" in order to ascertain their ability in understanding how a civilized society of homo sapiens should operate. This would obviously not count to the guys total but we could give them a tax write off or something for their service to our exceptional nation.

We could also use this to legalize prostitution so that women would always have a job that is in demand because as we all know what guys need more of in order to act responsibly without going on murder sprees is easy access to consenting, disease-free women on birth control. That's how we fix our country. Women get an industry all their own, since as we all know, it is what is really going to shut them up along with putting a woman in the White House as Commander in Queen. This way women can run the world and guys will shut the fuck up except for the ones that women find to be worth fucking and admitting too. They could be our Platos.

 

Now what about the gays, lesbians, and trannies? They would get to vote merely on showing that they can commit acts that are synonymous with their orientations. All a guy would have to do is suck a cock and he could vote; so forth for the rest of the whole alternative lifestyle genre. Let's face it 'Murica; that's the only way they will shut the fuck up too. Anyway that's my opinion on how to bring about some change. Maybe Obama will agree with me, I know Putin won't since he is probably too busy raping dead grizzly bears for a comic book. He can have fun with that while we actually worry about making our world sustainable for future generations to learn about the atrocities of Miley Cyrus in history class.

Medical Conditions.....

As many that know me know one of the ways that I sustain my income for my antics in the world of debauchery is by working security in bars. For those that get off on baby sitting drunken, sexually frustrated adults you probably refer to it as bouncing. On the other hand I'm too cynical to get a rise out of it due to the 8+ years I have been in the industry of drunken transmissions of bodily fluids and choking out frat boys along with the occasional sailor, frat boy, or wanksta; not too mention my various other life traumas that have grinded out my jaded world view on top my various other traumas. I've learned that using a well timed pearl of logic and reason can defuse a situation much faster than a rear-naked choke on top of being more legally sound especially in a state where Thomas Ravenel can get notoriety for having a coke habit and Mark Sanford can get elected to Congress for cheating on a wife that looks like a zombie from The Walking Dead.

Logic doesn't always work out though since it's effectiveness depends on the listeners' ego and blood alcohol content. The other night I was doing security at this club downtown when I was alerted by one of the other bouncers that someone was vomiting in the men's bathroom stall. He (the bouncer) offered to help and I went in to take a look; sure enough there was that all too familiar odor of low alcohol tolerance and exaggerated expectations when I opened the door. I could go on and on about what followed but just imagine throwing out Zach Galifinakis practicing Ghandi's method of non-violent resistance while grabbing onto every door frame like a crackhead; whilst with a shirt sporting new vomit. He actually cried because he wasn't getting his way; this would be your usual power bottom in a Fedral Prison and like it after awhile.

During all this he kept claiming that he had a "medical condition" that made him vomit even though the bartenders had apparently cut him off. THAT I learned later on from one of the bartenders later on that night. So apparently not being able to handle your liquor and yacking up a break up dinner into the porcelain representation of white people's understanding of Africa is basically is a medical condition. Something supposedly out of his control that is on a chronic level that can't be corrected; a cancer that targets any chance of someone taking responsibility for their actions. That seems to be the ebb and flow now a days of our consumerist and increasingly apathetic society. We don't care about our actions; just dissecting logic in order to not be held responsible for them. Charleston royalty use this logic to defend their wealth that was generated from their involvement in the slave trade or how murderers use it to wiggle out of answering for using midgets as fuel for cooking smores because the their was an imaginary voice in their head that said the Keebler elves wanted them too. It's one thing being a sick fuck but another thing to not take responsibility for the fact that you day dreams about luring Hipsters into a rophynol-fueled blood orgy with a sign that says, "Free iPhone 6".

Shit I should go rob a bank and when the cops have me cornered I could creep out with my hands up while exclaiming, "I'M SORRY OFFICERS BUT I HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION! IT MAKES ME ADDICTED TO HOLDING CASHIERS AT GUNPOINT WHILE WEARING A SKI MASK! I CAN GET A DOCTOR'S NOTE!"  Shit every irresponsible psychopath could use this line of logic as a defense if this defense actually had any semblance of sound logic grounded in reality; our current understanding of it anyway. Here's some more examples of how this logic can be used:

"Sorry about the jews; I have a medical condition that makes me an anti-Semite skilled in public speaking."-Adolf Hitler

 

"My medical condition predisposes me to loading U-Haul trucks with nitrogen-fertilizer based explosives and detonating them with pay phones."-Timothy McVeigh

"I have a medical condition that makes me tank the economy and put peoples' families out on the street."-Every Stock Broker on Wall Street ever.

 

 

"I'm sorry for raping all those kids but I have a medical condition that makes naked boys give me erections."-Jerry Sandusky  

Speaking of child rape the Catholic Church could use this line of logic to absolve themselves of their "sins" and by sins I mean a long history of priests using their "anointments" to crucify the assholes of little boys since crucifixion and penetration go hand in hand. Just imagine, if you will, that Pope Francis were to have one of his sermons that, as of late, have been about how the Catholic Church has sucked at life and were to televise it worldwide. He could have every single priest that has used their alter boys as power bottoms, the one's still alive (priest or underage power bottom), line up behind him at a podium like they just got out of an ass chewing from a congressional hearing.

"Hey guys, Pope Francis here. Got Jesus muthafuckas? Anyways, we have gotten to the bottom of all this child rape shit and have figured out the cause. These unfortunate individuals have a medical condition that drives them to shoot their loads into little boys' assholes. We have a doctor on this and will figure out a cure shortly."

 

 

 

Now what could be a cure for pedophilia if we are too take up the logic that pedophilia is in fact a medical condition? That there are just guys out that get off on fucking little kids like they are some 50 cent hooker in a Kentucky brothel and it requires a remedy of sorts. What would help them get their release without turning little girls into porn stars and guys into future news stories for CNN? AHA!!! I got it:

 

 

"And for all you Obama voting molesters we will soon have a Lil Bow Wow blow up doll as well."

 

 

That's right, child celebrity blow up dolls. I mean if I were a child rapist I would probably spend my days stroking my baby batter out the fantasy of raping Justin Bieber on one of the rides at Disney World. Maybe I could make a porno out of it; "Butt Pirates of the Caribbean" perhaps?

 

The Flesh Light industry would be all over it if they had government sanctioning on it. They could make a line of Flesh Lights that are molded after the assholes of all of members of One Direction. Maybe that is the One Direction of One Direction; saving the world one rapist at a time. This medical condition shit might explain some other instances of stupid human behaviors such as:

 

 



"I have a medical condition that makes me hide my other medical condition while transmitting my medical condition; sexually."

 



 

"Well I have a medical condition that makes me punch bitches in the face for giving me their medical condition; sexually."

 

If you really wanted to go out on a limb you could excuse the entire US Government of any wrongdoing they have ever done and just chalk it up to "medical conditions"; not to mention every other government that has ever existed. On the home front it can simply be summed up as:

"Sorry for all of the shit 'Murica but we have a medical condition that predisposes us to not giving a shit. Enjoy the entertainment on CNN and Fox News. Now if you'll excuse us we need to go get our blow and hookers to treat our other medical conditions; Cheers :D."

 

 

I'll leave it on that note. Who knows? Maybe I can go start a murder for hire business and chalk it up to a medical condition called, "I hate the entire human race and have bills to pay". Don't worry Neil De Grasse Tyson; you're cool.

 

 

"Thanks Ginger."