Friday, May 23, 2014

What the fuck Warner Bros? My Godzilla review

So the new Godzilla is out and I used it as a reason to use a chick I met off of for some casual sex. The sex was pretty good and it gave me some more practice in consensual choking and hair pulling techniques just in case there ever is a 50 Shades of Grey "Choke a Bitch to Orgasm" sweepstakes. Maybe I'll win some ball gags and paddles or something. After the sex was over we rushed over to Cinnebarre to go see it. Well after round two of the sex was over we went to go see it. I don't know why I chose Cinnebarre but maybe it's because I like my wallet getting raped over $11 movie tickets and $11 chicken fingers that looked like they had been in the fryer longer than Mickey Rourke's face. If you wan't an overpriced Mojito then Cinnebarre is the place to go. Then again if you drink Mojitos you might as well place your own face in some boiling grease. That way you can be disabled just like your taste in alcohol.

So anyway the movie started after me and FetlifeChick were talking about how guys suck at talking to girls while they resort to rophynol or something. The film starts out in 1999 which I think was a passive aggressive way of Toho and Warner Bros. kicking Roland Emmerich in the dick for that piece of reptile shit called Godzilla back in 1998. In other words I think this was Hollywood's way of letting it go and getting back to what Godzilla was meant to do; make movie goers giddy while saying, "Holy Shit!" repeatedly like they just saw Miley Cyrus sodomize herself with a crack pipe as Rob Ford lights it up; the pipe not Miley Cyrus's asshole. 

The film starts out in the Philippines with the sight of Ken Watanabe which makes sense since if a Hollywood production has some sort of Japanese theme it must have Ken Watanabe. That seems to be the theme ever since The Last Samurai. They might as well call him Ken "This film has some Japanese shit" Watanabe. That's not to say he isn't a great actor; he's one of my personal favorites actually since I really liked the Last Samurai even if Tom Cruise survived. Watanabe and his female scientist colleague are investigating this massive fossil that appears to be radioactive. They realize that another monster must have busted out of it and they find their evidence in the form of a massive hole punched out of one of the cave walls. We are greeted to the site of what looks like a monster that dragged its ass along the ground for about half a mile before finding the ocean. Maybe it didn't wipe properly.

The next act has the one and only Bryan Cranston and his character's wife talking about some non-Heisenberg related shit and then you are greeted to sights and sounds of Cranston speaking Japanese. This only makes me wonder what Breaking Bad would have been like if Heisenberg was driving around the foothills of Mt. Fuji while cooking meth in an RV. Instead of ranting about precursors and methylamine while dodging angry Mexicans and Feds; Cranston is ranting about radiation levels and seismic readings. The science talk alone makes me think there is going to a Breaking Bad moment where Cranston brings down one of the monsters using red phosphorus. I'll be honest, one my major reasons for seeing this movie was to see Bryan Cranston. I wanted to see Heisenberg against the King of the Monsters. 

After some shit goes down at the Nuclear Plant where Cranston's character (Joe Brody) has to watch his wife die he cries and for once he isn't doing to protect his meth empire. The plant eventually completely crumbles to the ground in a sight that will obviously draw comparisons to Fukushima which will probably lead to some crack pot conspiracy theorists claiming the that US government lied about Fukushima to hide a giant monster. This is all witnessed by Joe Brody's son Ford who is just in grade school at the time.

The film flashes forward 15 years and now Ford has a military and his job is working in the hurt locker i.e. Explosive Ordinance Disposal i.e. E.O.D. i.e. defusing bombs. He may not look as impressive as Jeremy Renner but fuck it, this is about Heisenberg and Godzilla. Ford is obviously getting back from a deployment and his commander mentions something about his wife. In other words its time for Ford to get laid because I highly doubt that the US military allows for their soldiers to rape goats; maybe Iraqi women but not goats. Ford gets home and the wife is there. Ford tells his son that he'll be able to eat cake everyday which is cute because I guess parents lying to their kids is adorable in a Halmark sort of way. After they put the little gullible brat to bed Ford and his wife start giving each other "fuck me eyes". I am depressed when I realize this film has a PG-13 rating but then again Ford's wife doesn't look like she has much in the way of tits. 

Right when it looks like Ford is about to round second and go for an inside the cunt home run the phone rings and like a bitch Ford's wife stops. Ladies, you can return a phone call but it's hard to undo a case of blue balls. On the other end of the line is someone at the Japanese consulate that informs Ford's wife that Ford's dad has been arrested for being in the quarantined area of where that nuclear plant went full on Jenga 15 years prior. Ford packs his bags, blue balls and all, to head to Japan to bail his blue balling Heisenberg father out. At least he didn't cripple his wife and rig a bomb to her wheel chair to blow half of Ford's face off. I guess blue balls aren't that bad after all. That's not an invitation ladies; not one at all.

In the next scene Ford is seen in a Japanese police station waiting for Joe/Heisenberg to be released which shows that he is better son than Walter White Jr. since he doesn't bitch about shit or have cerebral palsy. Joe gets released and they go back to Joe's apartment and from all of the newspaper clippings on Joe's wall it is obvious Joe has definitely gone full Ron Paul with the conspiracy theories. Why Libertarians haven't nominated Bryan Cranston for a presidential run is beyond me. First rule of nominating a presidential candidate is to nominate someone that the majority will actually vote for. That's how both Regean and Obama got elected.

Joe/Heisenberg convinces Ford to go back to the quarantined zone that he just got arrested at and off they go. They arrive by boat and walk around in Hazmat suits that look like they were specially designed to be sold at a Military Surplus store or Goodwill. That's when a pack of dogs is seen running by, in good health, which is quite odd since the place is supposed to be soaked in lethal doses of radiation since the plant supposedly underwent a nuclear meltdown. After getting a zilch reading on his radiation detector Joe pulls the mask off and explains to Ford that there is zero radiation as well as to stop complaining like a bitch. Off in the distance they see a bunch lights and secretive military shit where the plant once stood. Maybe Joe's Libertarian sense was tingling for accurate reasons after all. They get captured by these same shadowy figures and get taken to where the plant once stood so that Joe/Heisenberg can be questioned.

It's during this questioning that Joe has his Heisenberg moment. If you watched the trailer then you probably heard part of it but for the sake of the review here's how of it goes, "The truth is that you are hiding something out there----AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!!!!!" The rest of the scene is just as epic and is pretty much the only dialogue requiring artistic merit that is needed for a film that has monsters smashing skyscrapers like they are owed larvae support. Yes larvae is a spoiler but if you want a review that is spoiler free then go read a review from someone that doesn't use going to the movies as an excuse to get laid.

After this scene the shit hits the proverbial fan and the first monster in the film wakes up after gorging itself enough on cesium-137 to get its lazy ass up. At first I thought it was Mothra but it was later called MUTO but the praying Mantis/Insect appearance of it is obviously paying homage to the giant Moth. The spectacle is impressive and the MUTO wrecks shit in a way that would impress an ex of Tiger Wood's. It was great until he knocked out a platform; a platform that Joe/Heisenberg was on. Joe/Heisenberg falls into the rubble but the film doesn't show anything definitive until a later scene where he is shown being zipped up into a body bag. I nearly lost my shit but kept my cool since there was a girl that was fun to fuck next to me and last thing I wanted to do was scare her off. Seeing as I am at laptop now though let me vent:


Okay, now that I have that out of the way I can go back to giving a review free of emotion. Amazingly Joe/Heisenberg dying is just the movie getting warmed up as there are a shit load of buildings that need destroying in Honolulu after the MUTO gets done eating some nuclear warheads from a submarine that it flung into the jungle on the outskirts of the city. Shit gets crazy as it begins to wreck havoc but then Godzilla shows up after after causing a tsunami. The physics of how a creature the size of a skrycraper can cause a 10 meter high tsunami isn't fully explained but then again this is Hollywood; not a lesson in fluid dynamics and plate tectonics. Godzilla and the MUTO begin a battle royale at the Honolulu airport and then the movie flash forwards to the next act since I guess enough of the city had been destroyed and the MUTO wanted to fly off like a bitch.

A bunch of drama happens involving a nuclear waste stockpile in the Nevada and Las Vegas getting destroyed by an even bigger, wingless MUTO whom is apparently in heat and is in need of some thermonuclear flying praying mantis cock. It gets even better when the monsters converge on San Francisco for the climactic battle. I don't know if the writers have some odd fetish that involves Lady and the Tramp and nuclear warheads but there is a scene where the male and female MUTOs making out with the nuclear warhead like its the spaghetti being shared before the inevitable doggy kiss between Darling and Tramp. If that is too G-Rated for you then just imagine the two german chicks from "Two Girls, One Cup" but instead them making out over a cup filled with human feces it's a nuclear warhead.

The funny thing is that isn't the end of the odd radioactive bestiality fetish that the movie has going on as in the final climax Godzilla pulls the female MUTO's mouth wide open like its hard core rape porn and shoots a load of his Thermonuclear plasma into the MUTO's before ripping her head off. Nothing like using non-human characters to avoid getting slapped with a R-rating. I definitely give the scene points for kink factor. Actually that's what I would say if I was raised in West Virginia. It was still a bad ass battle scene and I'm sure it gave some comic nerds an erection because that couldn't find a chick whose mouth they could shoot a load into before heading to the theatre.

Then the in one of the final scenes I nearly had a cynic overload because Joe has to get a boat to take nuclear bomb that was rigged to blow and kill the monsters out of the city which isn't that bad of an idea until you run the math. The boat looked to be moving at a speed of about 20 mph tops and there was only 5 minutes left on the timer before the boat even made it to the Golden Gate bridge and earlier in the movie it was said that the bomb would make the ones used in nuclear tests in the Pacific, "look like a firecracker." Amazingly though the bomb needed only less than two miles to be to put the city outside of the blast radius so either the boat had some rocket propulsion system miraculously installed in 5 minutes or the bombs that were used in the Pacific made the THEY were using look like a firecracker. Huge contradiction there but then again its Hollywood. Just imagine the scene with the nuke at the end of Dark Knight Rises and you'll understand your my cynicism.

So overall I give the movie a score of "Braggable". The dialogue did its job and it built it to a very entertaining climax just like FetlifeChick. While the plot holes are noticeable but not unforgivable; It's worth the ticket.


  1. Good review Frank. While it is a little too long and spends too much time with generic human characters than it should, the final third of the movie completely makes up for it with some epic monster action sequences that do justice to the original vision of Godzilla.

  2. yeah, I think that is the overall consensus on the film. I do like they built it up but at the same time there are plenty of opportunities with the dialogue that I feel got passed up on; especially given the cast.

  3. I want my review tied in with a better movie. Hell. Maybe a whole post.

    Or I'll compromise and settle on the X-Men movie. ;)

  4. LOL...already working on XMen but how about Edge of Tommorow. The fact that it will have Tom Cruise will give plenty of ammo to my cynicism :).

  5. Aw. Well, unfortunately you have touched on three things I cannot tolerate all rolled into one. Tom Cruise, scifi, and Groundhog Day-esque movies. I will have to kindly decline sir. ;)

  6. LOL...I guess we could see XMen...i could go for a second go around of Quiksilver lol

  7. I can go see it with someone else, sils. We will find a movie to see. I'm not bored of you yet.

    Hell, I speak to you on about five different social mediums! ;)