The Porn I Like

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Four Hoaxes and Maybe a Funeral

Dani: "Robin Williams died."

Me: "Is it a hoax"

Dani: "No, he is really dead."

Thanks to the internet I have to ask if every person's death is a hoax. I can't wait till my friends and family start dying so I can start asking if their death is a hoax.

I can't wai till my mom tells me my grandmother is dead.

Mom: (sobbing tears) "Frankie, Grammy passed away."

Me: "Is it a hoax?"

Mom: "No, how could you even ask me that? I'm crying."

Me: "I don't know. I thought you might be trying to sell a hoax and are a good actor."

Thanks Internet. I can't even be sure if old people are dead now.

It's going to really suck when I show up to an ex-girlfriend's funeral and I have to finger her corpse to make sure it's really her. I doubt a hoaxer would be able to forge a dead ex-girlfriend's pussy.

Death

I don't deal with death like a normal person. The only deaths I have cried over were my dad's, a Cocker Spaniel I used to have named Sonny, a friend from the first grade named Joe Shoeford (Yea, I was Joe's Buddy), and Kate Waring whom was the victim of a homicide. That's 4 people compared however many people I have known that aren't around anymore.

I realized I didn't handle death like a normal person when I witnessed an autopsy when I was 18 for my thesis on "Mycobacteriophages and DNA Vaccines for Tuberculosis". Yeah, the same guy that passed up on a free ride to Duke because he'd rather punch and choke guys in spandex; no-boner.

I witnessed everything first hand. The scalpel delicately carving the Y-incinsion in the chest and abdomen. The exposing of the rib cage by pulling the skin off like its a wrapper for cold cuts. Get it? Cold cuts because a dead body is cold and cut open?

I watched as the pathologist/coroner used saw that could cut through bone, but not skin, to cut open the deceased's rib cage. I began to have an odd curiosity as every organ was removed and weighed like meat at a butcher shop. I held my nose at the behest of the coroner as the gall bladder was removed since the smell was two steps beyond anything that could be produced by a port-a-potty 4 days into Bonaroo.

I watched as an incision was made from ear lobe to ear lobe along the rear base of the man's skull before the skin was pulled up and scrunched the front the guy's face making it look like that of a shar pei sucking on a lemon. The the skull was opened up with the saw to expose the guys brain so it could also be removed and weighed. I remember having to keep from laughing as they left the guy like that to go to lunch. To me it was a dead guy with a face like a stack of flap jacks at the moment. I had no emotions but I was hungry for some Subway.

This baffled my mom as I explained it to her. I guess she was expecting me to come crying to her so she could reassure me with some promise of Heaven or whatever fairy tale she used to escape pragmatism. Instead she just got an explanation of what happened in detail like you just got. Hungry?

The truly odd thing about me is that blood and guts doesn't bother me but spoiled food will make me vomit like a runway model minus shoving a finger down my throat whilst my head hovers above a toilet seat with cocaine residue.

I won't say that I became apathetic towards death that day but I would be lying if I had said that it was a traumatic experience. It was more calming than anything else. I realized that our perspectives towards mortality were highly skewed. I hadn't formed a concrete opinion on it but I knew most people had it dead wrong; all pun intended. As the years went on I started to experience more and more tragedy as friends and family began dying off. As I am writing this I am dealing with the passing of another family member. As odd as it might sound I m actually relieved that he passed away since he was suffering from issues that began to take hold of him after my dad passed away. He was an artist like I aspire to be, him with piano while I try to with a keyboard and a microphone, and like many an artist he was suffering the end result when you lose other intellectuals to bounce ideas off of from your social circle. In this case the beginning of the end was the passing of my dad. It was a very harsh blow to myself and my family; but I noticed it was especially hard for him. The spark that made him who he was lost. The particles of intellectual curiosity that he was entangled to were no longer around to communicate. For an intellectual this is worse than death.

That's because the ultimate drug for an intellectual is a stimulating conversation. For him it was over a chess board with my dad during holiday gatherings. For most guys it's sex but a smart guy eventually realizes sex is just a drug that gets skewed from the idolization of a society that continues to look upon it with a reverence of ego and ignorance. That's why I get laid; to me sex is just a drug that keeps me stable and is relatively healthy compared to our other "important" activities that ironically revolve around sexual selection. If natural selection governs the evolution of life then sexual selection governs the evolution of modern society. My uncle knew this along with my dad as I have I come to learn it. The best high an intellectual can have is a eureka moment from conversing with those that think outside the box. Go long enough without that then you just wish to go off in peace with your dignity intact. That's why I choose to struggle with money by writing and doing comedy instead of just tossing my free will to the side and joining the rat race we call capitalism. Don't get me wrong, capitalism allows me that luxury but it takes pawns for such a luxury to exist.

 The biggest disservice I could do to our society or myself is to live by its dogmas. That's why I'm going to achieve fame or die trying; probably in a hotel bedroom with my corpse surrounded by used condoms and the crescendo of screams of a mixed race coed whom just discovered that erections happen from rigor mortis.

I can make such a statement nonchalantly because I won't know it when it happens because I'll be dead. Just like most people that have ever existed are as well as 99% of life that ever walked this Earth has. They died, they are gone, for most of them they were cannon fodder to be emulsified to fuel the train that is life and unlike most trains life is a Transformer that wipes the floor with anything of its presence and choosing anytime it wishes. That's because life has the inevitable trump card of death and what many fail to realize is that they are just drugs built upon drugs. That's what death is; it's a drug. It's the altering of an experience only there is no coming down from it once given too big a dose. Life is a drug too. It's all drugs. One drug allows the experience of evolved primates that complain about Justin Beiber, Ebola, the economy, and the line at Starbucks while the other offers silence or a dream. Just like any drug, death gets a lot of bad press via the idolization of society but once you try it it's probably not that bad.

Worst comes to worse well----actually that's not even the worst. It's just an altered experience. What's really the worst is wasting an experience on the fear of an unknown experience. If you want to get over the concept of death then stop worrying about it since death is a very good drug dealer. It'll give you your dose when you're ready and you won't even have to worry about it because you'll be dead. Now go out there and make your life something worth dying for. That's the way you beat death, by making your juice not worth it's squeeze until it relinquishes itself to operating on your terms. That's how winning is done.  

Dear United Jerkoffs of 'Merica

I'm getting sick of you 'Mericans that don't agree with someone's opinion and says, "Well, if you don't like it you can leave!"

How about no? Shit head. This is the United States of America, not the United Jerkoffs of 'Merica, and this country was founded on free speech and standing up for your opinion;  not running away over a disagreement.

If you don't like someone's opinion then too bad. That's what freedom of speech is about. I have the right to express my opinion. You have the right to agree or disagree with it. If it bothers you that bad then you can walk away or stay while yammering on like a pot-bellied inbred. You can argue your fictional socialist hippie. I can argue science, logic, and democracy.

You also have the freedom to fuck your cousin. I wont ask you to leave the country if you do because that's your choice. I may not agree with it but I do agree with your right to do it.

Murder: An American Solution to a Human Problem

USA!!!!!

 Humans are, in nature, filthy animals that have the luxury of soap and Starbucks to justify whatever sense of dignity they have left. They’re disgusting yet they get grossed out by cooties. They’re crafty little fuckers and stubborn as a Kentucky midget trying to bone a mule. They are also spreading like a contagion across the planet. It’s happening at an accelerating rate and it’s a major threat to their survival. If you do the math humans are basically whiskey to Earth. Sooner or later the bitch is going to have to kick the habit of allowing them to live if some moderation isn’t brought back into the picture. We need a cure and ironically the cure could also be what has given rise to the disease; Murder.

 Humans are immensely skilled at killing. It’s an innate part of our survival instincts. It’s how we still exist and how our numbers have grown over generations. Humans have every other organism on this planet beat when it comes to killing. It kills so well that it has gotten to a point where it only kills under certain criteria even though it is very subjective depending on the beliefs per human. Beliefs are the rules of engagement for the killing machine known as homo sapien. In some ways humanity can be seen as an extinction level event within itself. It kills so much that it may actually indirectly kill itself in a fashion akin to Clyde from Law Abiding Citizen in a suicidal fashion; Extinction Level Event Assisted Suicide if you will. Of course that assist will come from Hydrogen Sulfide produced by our oceans since they will become too warm to sustain bacteria that produce oxygen which we kind of need for our lives of cappuccinos and mass shootings at movie theatres as well bacon wrapped fried chicken infused hot fudge chocolate covered sundaes.

 At the rate that we are poisoning the ocean , which in reality IS mother nature, in this or the next few generations we are going to face possible extinction if we haven’t found another floating rock to lay our Wal-Marts down on. Such an extinction that I mentioned above has already happened at least 5 times in our planet’s past.

It’s bound to happen again and we are making it happen way faster than any of us would like. Kind of the same way that we like to chain smoke cigarettes in a nonchalant manner and then start speaking in pseudo-philosophical tones to tug on people’s heart strings the second we develop a tumor. We are great at killing but afraid of dying; it’s quite the paradox. What’s really funny is that fear of death is what is driving us to kill ourselves. My solution is to do what has always helped cure our ails in the past; to start killing each other. I think not only should we start killing each other but I also think it should be made legal and merged into the very Rule of Law itself. It worked for Feudal Japan and I think it can work for the rest of humanity as well. You just need a sect of humanity that is really good at murdering people; perhaps a pseudo-democracy that is the world’s police whom has enough drones and nuclear bombs to turn our planet into the ultimate Call of Duty multiplayer map?

 That’s right I think Americans should be the ones to save humanity from certain destruction in the only way it knows how; killing shit loads of people.  For most of our country’s existence we have been in the closet about the murderous psychopathy of our nation’s collective consciousness but in this age of transparency I think it’s time we came out of the closet about it. If coming out can help same-sex marriage then it could certainly help with the progress of human on human population control. Here are some of my ideas to institute this process and the first one should be quite obvious and by that I mean genocide.

Genocide:
Humanity needs another major genocide. I mean one more mass killing of those we deem as sub-human sanctioned by a world power and I think it should be the US Government taking up the torch on it. We know they are good at it. We just need to murder the right people this time and by that I mean conservative, dumb, white Anglo-Saxon protestant twats that ruin everything for everyone else because they can't let go of their fossil fuel addiction. In other words, anyone that takes Fox News seriously.

 Another group that needs to go is all these whiny, hipster, liberal queef stains that feels every single transgression requires a bra burning and an Occupy protest followed by a trip to Starbucks and then the Steve Jobs cathedral known as the Apple Store. Let’s definitely murder those fuckers too. IED’s in the iPads perhaps? iBombs have a nice ring doesn’t it? These jerkoffs are just as flawed as the twats on the Rupert Murdoch payroll and should die like their conservative brethren as well.

 Next up is all these racist ass black people trying to be the coffee response to the Tea Party. These wanna-be Malcolm X jerk offs that feel giving a tip would be an affront to their civil rights. If you can't afford to tip a delivery driver then order some fucking carry out. Also stop inspecting your wings to see if they are fried. I get it, you people like grease and yes, I do mean you people specifically. You fuckers need to die via being run over by a herd 64' Impalas that are jumping on hydros like they have stage 3 Parkinson’s.

 Another group of people that should die from Ricin laced Guinness should be Irish people. I'm not even going to dignify them with a reason.

 We don’t need to kill all of them. Just about 95% of them. Since we need some around that can be rescued from the Wal-Mart concentration camps that can tell about the horrors of the Twatocaust at low, low prices.

 In the end the only people that should be left to live are porn stars, intellectuals, house cleaners, midgets, beige people, American born Gingers from New Jersey, and women that have sex with American Born Gingers from New Jersey.

Come on Obama. Issue the order. I'll start rounding them up  :D.

Now I know genocide might not be the most politically correct method of murdering people and honestly political correctness has proven to be very effective when needing a moral leg to stand on while killing people so maybe we should be more creative with mas population control. Maybe we need to bring murder into a realm that tends to make any American want to bust a few caps in somebody. It’s one of our favorite past times; professional athletics.

Professional Sports:

I think we should up the ante in professional sports. If a city's team wins a Championship then the residents of that city should be allowed to kill anyone else from a city that has a team in that league. Can you imagine what it would do for the airline industry? Just imagine the conversations with TSA agents:

SpursFan: “Is there a problem?”

TSAAgent: “Well you seem to be carrying a loaded Glock .40, a few combat knives, and about 5 pounds of Semtex with you. Do you have any credentials for this?”

SpursFan: “Oh yeah, sorry. Here’s my Spurs Championship hat showing evidence of our recent NBA Finals.”

TSAAgent: “Hmmm…well that looks to be in order. Are you traveling to Miami for business or pleasure?”

SpursFan: (sporting a smirk while looking at his Glock on the table) “Both :)”

Shit, you don’t even have to restrict it to residents of cities that have championship teams. Maybe just on a week-to-week, fan-on-fan basis; it would give a new meaning to the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox rivalry. As we all know when it comes to murder new York and Boston are very exceptional in that. Could you imagine what would happen during a double header? Yankees fans gunning down Red Sox fans for a few hours and then Red Sox fans returning the favor; they would amount a higher body count than the 9/11 hijackers and the Tsarnaev brothers combined, in a day.

Now imagine that strung over an entire season. Could you imagine what would happen to the fans of teams whose teams were having developing years? They would develop much faster; I can guarantee you that shit. Besides, teams are all about getting the fans involved. Nothing a few hollow points and a laser pointer can’t fix. I know for sure plenty of Oakland fans would love cross into San Francisco with their gats stocked and loaded.

 Shit, we can take murder fandom and apply it worldwide to soccer. Could you imagine the fan fair for the World Cup?  Shit Germany just won it. What if that win meant Germans could legally go around the world systematically murdering people for 4 years. Shit they only had a portion of Europe to do it in during World War II and managed to kill 15 million people before the Allies came in. When it comes to murdering people in a systematic fashion Germany is one of the only countries to give us a run for our money besides Russia, Japan, and China. Well maybe Mongolia as well when Ghenghis Khan was around.

Could imagine the fan fare around a game between Germany and Israel? Holy shit they would be running wind sprints like a motherfucker for it. The Germans would just for the sheer fact that the Israelis would be looking for payback for that whole 1933 to 1945 thing, Just imagine Israel winning the World Cup and marching into Germany to start putting protestant Krauts into gas chambers. Shit they wouldn’t even have to call them showers since they wouldn’t have to hide it. I think four years would be enough time to get Jews and Aryans back on a 1:1 ratio in terms of population. After that they could just go and nuke fuck out of Iran or if Iran won it they could go into Isreal and kill the fuck out of them.

 Sports and Murder should go hand in hand but then that might not even be enough. What we really need to do is integrate murder into the very fabric of the American political landscape itself. That’s right, murder for democracy or murder as democracy itself. Having a hard time following me on this one? Allow me to explain:

Murder as the new Democratic process:

I think murder should be the new democracy. When you turn 18 you should be given a gun and you can kill anyone that is also of legal voting age and each bullet would count as a vote and each person you kill counts as a dollar. So if you want some starbucks you have to kill 5 people. It would give new meaning to vote or die which means P.Diddles would be all over this shit. No polling booths. no electoral college. The only votes that would matter would be bullets and exit wounds.

Now they wouldn’t be given a big gun off the bat. Something small like a .22 Revolver or a cross-bow if they are one of those types that jerk off to Daryl from The Walking Dead. The rules for this society would work much like the rules of Grand Theft Auto minus most of the cop trouble since the only requirement would be for them to do or say something that YOU deem stupid and a threat to the American way of life. Fox News and CNN would never be short of breaking news ever again. Also you wouldn’t respawn if you got murdered since life isn’t that kind of game even though it may be if you go by simulation theory. Maybe you get respawned at a hospital in another dimension. All I know is here in our dimension you get murdered and its done. You’re voting rights are revoked permanently and it’s a dollar in your killer’s bank account. There would also be added incentives involved to get the laziest of Americans out there doing their duties as a tax payer. You would level up in a sense. Here would be the break down:

Level 1: 100 Kills

Reward: an UZI and a 5% discount on ammo at Wal-Mart

Yes, instead of Ammu-nation you would just go to Wal-Mart. Don’t worry, the person working behind the gun counter would just as much a right-nut job as the dude at the videogame gun counter. If you wanted to you could kill the guy and take all the ammo from behind the desk but bear in mind everyone else in Wal-Mart would have a gun as well so you might want to think twice; especially if you haven’t purchased the UZI and the ammo for it yet.

Level 2: 500 kills

Reward: an M16 assault rifle and body armor

I first thought about making the reward and AK47 but this is ‘Merica and thus we should mow down other Americans in a ‘Merican fashion. If you have gotten to this level you have probably figured out that Cuntcast, I call it Cuntcast instead of Comcast, is a great place to visit when you want to kill a lot of people but need some motivation. Try spending a week getting an issue with your broadband modem sorted out and you’ll have all the encouragement that you need.

Level 3: 1000 kills

Reward: A rocket launcher

You’ll never be bored at a baseball game ever again. Just bear in mind you can’t blow up the players because that would throw controversy into the whole winning team’s city killing people from other city thing. Frag responsibly. You don’t want your city to have an asterisk because that would qualify it for a nuclear bombing.

Level 4: 10,000 kills

Reward: An Abrahams Tank
Once you have reached this level the normal laws of of this new American society will no longer apply to you because you have a tank. You will be the lion of the urban jungle and allowed to kill with impunity because you have a tank. You will not have to answer to most anyone and will be part of the upper 1%. A have instead of a have not if you will since you have a tank. Just remember their might be other tanks around so diplomacy would still be a wise option at times.

Level 5: 50,000 kills

Reward: A drone with laser guided hell fire and tomahawk missiles.
Congratulations! You have reached the Jay-Z Hova level status of murder and democracy not mention capitalism. For being a good American you now have access the most advanced means of aerial warfare; sitting in a chair in front of a monitor with a joystick. You can commit mass murder for democracy without even leaving your house. Just bear in mind you may not want to tweet or facebook about it because someone with a drone might trace the IP address back your location and lets just say people with drones don’t like competition.

Level 6: 1,000,000 kills

Reward: A stealth drone with nuclear warheads.

Damn dawg! You’ve become the Bill Gates of murder. You’re like Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong, Hitler, Michael Jordan, heart disease, and religion all rolled into one. You are an Alpha and Omega of American Citizenship. For that we give you the greatest weapon of destruction known to man besides cigarettes and McDonalds; a nuclear bomb. Now there are some requirments for this. You can only nuke cities in the US and only ones with an asterisk; every city in Ohio will already have an asterisk because we could all use a little less Ohio.
The only two rules would be that you could only kill stupid people and you couldn’t kill kids because they would need time to study the killing habits of adults.

 That’s basically my idea for saving our species in a nut shell. However in the meantime there are people that I think should be killed regardless just for existing. The list is as follows:

-Guys that own more than 10 Polo shirts
-Guys that own Land Rovers
-People that say, “Trust Me”
-anyone that sags their pants
-women that suck at blow jobs over the age of 25
-people that drink Mountain Dew
-anyone that owns a Smart Car
-people that use Religious Reasons
-Sarah McClachlan
-anyone that was ever in the Mickey Mouse Club
-anyone that appears on the Disney Channel besides kids
 -guys in the military that feel they are owed something for joining the military
-Michael Vick
-people that ask and give promises to people that they like
-woman that say, “You don’t a condom because I’m on birth control.”
-woman that demand you to wear a condom even if they are on birth control
-guys that spread herpes after falling for the whole, “You don’t need a condom I’m on birth control bit
-anyone that roots for the Dallas Cowboys that isn’t from Dallas
-anyone that roots for the Oakland Raiders that hasn’t killed 5 people
-Gun Rights lobbyists
-Gun Control lobbyists
-religious people
-atheist people
-agnostic people that aren’t Neil DeGrasse Tyson
-anyone that gets angry over porn
-women that spit and don’t swallow
-guys that spit and don’t swallow
-people that watch Game of Thrones
-people that watch the Bravo Network
-people that work at the Bravo Network

That’s about what I got for now. I’ll be sure to add more to the list :D.

Stuff You See on the Road...

Here's something thing that drives me nuts. People that say, "No matter how I feel about someone if they were broken down on the side of the road I'd help them". Oh really? How long have you been working at AAA for? Do you own a tow truck? Are a rogue vigilante that drives around the mean streets looking for a case of a flat tire or a dead car battery? Do you have a side kick in a tower in a tow yard that alerts you to the next instance of a Honda stuck in a ditch?

I drive down the road everyday and see people broken down on the road around 3-5 times a week. You know what I do? I bet it's the same thing most of you people do. Especially at 4AM since you don't want to explain why you are trying to be a contributing member to society with alcohol on your breath since you couldn't turn down those last 5 oyster shooters from that mixed race chick with the big tits and fuck me eyes.

I KEEP THE FUCK ON DRIVING!!!!

You know why?

I DON'T KNOW THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

For all I know that could be next craigslist killer that is looking for some practice before starting up a GMail account. You know? A little pre-maiming?

That's why I stopped working for AAA. I wasn't getting paid enough to risk getting murdered.

Another thing that grates my mind like its being raped with a salted pineapple. What the fuck is with people buying dogs? I don't get it. I see stray dogs on the road all the fucking time. FREE DOGS. On the road all the time. Yet people go to pounds and farms and other pet boutiques to spend money on a dog.

That would be like me being a in a bar filled with chicks. HOT CHICKS. All of them are walking around with recent STD results in hand and shirts saying, "FREE PUSSY" while also yelling, "FREE PUSSY!!" like it's peanuts at a baseball game. 

"FREE PUSSY HERE. GOT SOME FREE PUSSY HERE. SHAVED PUSSY, BLACK PUSSY, LATIN PUSSY, MIXED RACE PUSSY FOR ALL YOUR PROGRESSIVE PEOPLE. 

ALL THE FREE, HOT, DISEASE FREE, NO STRINGS ATTACHED PUSSY that you'd want.

For the ladies just imagine this bar is also filled with nude Channing Tatum clones with raging 12 inch erections while giving you those seductive bad boy eyes. He's ready to drill your pussy like he wants to put a ring on it.

You are in this awesome place. You pull out your wallet. Count your money and say to yourself, "Ehh..I'd rather go buy some pussy (or cock) at the whore house."

If you want a dog go get one off the street.

Honest Craigslist Sex Ads

Anyone that knows me knows that I like using the Internet for getting laid among other pursuits that involve my heads; big and little. The overwhelming majority of my sex life can be attributed to the electronic web. The rest can be attributed to bars, night clubs, college parties, and Brazilian jiu-jitsu lessons. I started with online fucking, or online dating for you politically correct HPV fearing individuals, way back before the days of Tinder, FetLife, or BangWithFriends. Around 2005 to be exact. This was when Facebook was just starting to become popular as well as Myspace. If you wanted sex with no strings attached via the web your best bet was Yahoo Instant Messenger. Then the spammers started showing up and it basically became a spot to get a virus; computer ones along with herpes. Then craigslist came along and that's when my sex life really started taking off. I could probably write a book just on how to get laid via craigslist but honestly I am starting to get annoyed with CL; that's craigslist for those that still don't still think the internet is something your school lunch teacher used to wear while talking about the latest episode of the Andy Griffith show.

The drawback with Craigslist along with anything else involving human beings is that their is a lot of bullshit. People might be honest about wanting to get their rocks off but that's pretty much all you can conclude with any amount of certainty. How they go about satisfying those intentions is when all the drama starts. One second you think you are flirting with a 10, get a picture of a 10, and then they meet you out at Applebee's looking like they ate that 10 along three others along with picking up a chain smoking habit. It comes with the territory. You take the good with the fat rolls and cigarette burns. Sex might be easy to come by on on the internet but honesty is a luxury just like in any other facet of life. Our country isn't great because it's honest, our country is great because it gets what it wants. For the sake of fantasy let's make believe we do live in an honest society and that everyone that was looking for sex online could pass a polygraph about who they really are. Here'e what some ads on the casual encounter's section of craigslist would look like:


GUN POWDER AND LEAD (22F Suburbia, somewhere near Florida)

Hi. I love tattoos and have my right arm covered in one. I have a black girl ass but I'm not into black guys because my parents would never talk to me again but for sake of political correctness I'll call it a preference. I'm great at sucking dick but lousy at choosing boyfriends. For fun, besides giving blow jobs and being used by frat boys, I like to go to karaoke and sing about going home to load my shot gun, sitting on the porch, and lighting a cigarette. Email me for a pic and if you aren't a minority then let's meet up for a few drinks at a dive bar with bras on the ceilings.


TALKS LIKE A BLACK DUDE, ACTS LIKE A WHITE BITCH (39M Bronx)

I'm a 6'4" Black dude which is why white bitches sleep with me. They are all fat and usually have self esteem issues. So if you come from an abusive household and spend most of your free time at Spencer's then get up with me so that I can do my best Tucker Max impression since I wish that I could be a rich like a frat boy even though Tucker Max never was a frat boy. Being black I do have a 9" cock and I sort of know how to use with all of the experience that I brag about to all of my buddies even though I will tell you that I do no such thing. If I think that you are really cool I will offer to fist your asshole with Crisco. If you ever want to see me act like an Uncle Tom with PMS then just kick me to the curb since I hate getting a dose of my own medicine due to innate self esteem issue of my own as well confusion about my sexual orientation. Send me a text and I'll send a pic of my mandingo cock.

MY HUSBAND SUCKS IN BED (33F Savannah)

I'm looking for a safe jump off. If you are too white for hip hop then I am looking to fuck with a condom since I don't want to risk giving my husband HPV because BET doesn't teach that everyone has it. I'm a black girl with curves in all the right places. I want my pussy to be eaten like it's owed reparations and I love being fucked from the doggy position. I;m not into any of that hair pulling shit because this weave is not cheap. Rip it out and I'll kick your ass till you say that you name is Toby. Obviously I can't host but am down for fucking in my car behind the nearest Wal-Mart.

A GUY THAT REALLY LIKES COCK AND WILL LIE TO GET IT (28M Charleston)

I am currently posting as the female in a couple that doesn't exist since I am a guy that likes cock. The naked pictures of the chick you see on here were copy and pasted since I know how you straight guys love to fuck attractive women but I'm hoping that deep, deep down you are bi-curious. Please give me a chance? I can give head in a dark room discretely so that you can make believe that is Beyonce's mouth the entire time but I do hope that you will be yearning for my tight, warm asshole. If you don't want to then just tell me that I;m being a fag since I love being treated like a sissy little bitch.


These are just a few that pop in my mind but I'm sure there a plenty of other kinky, miscreants that are waiting to have an add answered by lil' ole ginger me and I will for the sake of comedic material. Who knows? Maybe I'll get to break a tranny's heart while it cries it's eyes out to "It's Raining Men."

Bravo Bryan Singer and Kiss My Ass Charleston PD, My X-Men: Days of Future Past Review

So seeing as how well using a movie as an excuse to get casual sex worked the night prior I figured I'd go for part two of hat trick with an early showing of X-Men: Days of Future Past. I was actually quite excited about this one; the movie and the girl seeing as how I am a huge comic book nerd even though I have never read a comic book. Not to mention that the woman in question was the very definition of the work exotic. If anyone has read my past sexual history, especially with VampireChick or HotObama then you can imagine my excitement at the possibility of sleeping with a brown skin hottie with tattoos in spades. She hit both of my turn ons on the proverbial blood filled mushroom head. However she couldn't hang out prior to it so I was going to have to take my chances after the movie and late night hours also worked in my favor so no worries on my part. Besides from our conversations she actually seemed to be very laid back and intellectual so believe it or not sex was not a priority. Don't get me wrong. I wanted it but it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't get it. Not with a women that actually respects herself; I can respect that. I had to pick her up first though.

Picking her up would not be as easy as pulling up to her house and sending her a text saying, "I'm here" followed by me nodding my head to Young Buck for the average 5 minutes from the response of, "Ok" to her actually walking into the car. That's not to say this instance was her fault. In this case the fault lies with the CARTA Bus system, a nosy neighbor, and of course Charleston police officers that know only protocol while lacking any semblance of deductive reasoning. There is a reason why smart cops become detectives and private investigators while the dimwitted ones are stuck to patrol cars until they waste most of their life in obscurity just to secure a pension.

I was sitting in my car, nodding my head to G-Unit's dixie whistlin' mean mugging ambassador when a patrol car pulled up beside me and flashed their mounted driver side flash light square in my face. It only got better as it was a female officer with a short haircut. I already knew she was going to be a pain in the ass a chick with a short haircut always has something to prove. Maybe its proving that sand in the vagina can lead to a higher conviction rate; who knows. Their are a few short hair women that are an exception to this but only because I have had sex with them and the last thing I'm going to do is throw salt into my own game. I get enough drama sodium as is.

ButchCop: "What are you doing here sir?"

Me: "Waiting on a friend."

ButchCop: "Why?"

Me: "I'm taking her to go see X-Men."

She kept busting my balls about what I was doing there and that's when another patrol car pulled up. Two stoned face male officers that look like they split their time between the gym and jerking off to an alternate ending to Schindler's list; one where Schindler's list doesn't make it. They gave me the typical cold faced poker stare trying to use intimidation to shake my resolve. This might make a drunken frat boy or some wanna-be thug act a fool but then again  I knew I wasn't doing anything illegal; last thing I was going to do is give them a reason to arrest me on disorderly conduct. I just looked at ButchCop:

Me: "Am I doing anything illegal? I mean I am in a public domain right?"

ButchCop: "You are but she (the neighbor) has the right to call any suspicious activity. Can I see your ID?"

She might be a bitch but she was right in that regard.  Also, and this is where lots of people fuck up with cops, but asking me for my ID is a lawful order. If I didn't present it she could have arrested me on the spot and then I would have spent $22 on movies tickets so I can spend more money on bail money. She might have won the battle but she wasn't going to win the war. The only way I could would be if I started yelling and screaming about my rights. She took my ID and walked to her car while I texted the girl about what was going on.

TattooedHottie: "What? Omg...did you tell them you are waiting on someone?"

Me: "Yep."

That's when ButchCop came back my car to hand me my license back. That's when she gave me this pearl of advice with a shit eating grin:

ButchCop: "Have fun with your girlfriend tonight."

Me: (responding back in the most sarcastic tone possible) "She's not my girlfiriend."

Most would say I'm an idiot but also most don't take advantage of an opportunity to talk shit to a cop in a legal fashion; fuck her. She has the law on her side to bust my balls. It takes a genius to piss one off without going to jail. All she could do was give me that same shit eating grin while her eye twitched as she tried to hide her anger as "some citizen" put her in her place that shouldn't have the legal or financial means to. I pulled my car up in front of TattooedHottie's house, turned the engine off and kept on listening to my hip hop. Kiss my ass Charleston Police Department and go suck on your night sticks.

TattooedHottie called me and asked if I could pick her up from the bus stop around the corner from her house. Seeing as how it was on the way to the theater and that the movie started in 20 minutes I started up the Denali to head her way. I picked her up over at the Rutledge Cab Company and she looked just as good as she did in her online photos. This was already looking promising compared to 15 minutes prior. I got out of the Denali and opened the car door because I guess I think I have a soul. She hopped in, I hopped in and we drove to the theater.

We walked into the theater and it was almost packed but we lucked out with a couple seats in the back row which was great because I hate the prospect of someone projectile vomiting on the back of my neck and I'm auburn-licous hair. Having that experience at a UFC party years ago is enough for me. Last thing I need is the smell of stomach acid, coors light, and peanuts for the rest of my natural born life.It's why part of me wants to die young so I dont have to deal with the smell of boduily excretions in a hospice 24/7.

After the previews the movie started with the background a dystopian future that was the stuff of a Ron Paul nightmare. Just imagine something akin to the future envisioned by James Cameron in the Terminator movies with more purple lighting and mutants.  Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart) is providing a monologue about how this tragic turn of events has taken place while pondering whether the future can be changed. The cause of this future is due to mutant hunting robots called Sentinels that are programmed to seek out and kill anyone that harbors the mutant gene whether it is fully expressed or they are only carriers of it. In other words the entire planet has become a massive Final Solution and mutants are the problem; at least in the eyes of the rich bigots.

The Sentinels make their first appearance as some as a band of surviving mutants, led by Kitty Pride, are seeking refuge in some abandoned military installation in the mountains. All seems calm for a second and then Sentinels bust in like a herd of murderous Kool-Aid men minus the red shit. The mutants put up a fight but the Sentinels are able to adapt to any of their powers and begin offing them. Kitty and Bishop hide in an isolated room with the help of Blink who can open portals to other locations. Kitty starts using her powers on Bishops in rush against time in order to avoid getting 86'd by the Sentinels. She succeeds just in time as the other mutants are already dead and they all vanish. They later show up in a dystopian China where Professor Xavier, Wolverine, Magneto, and Storm are in hiding. It is revealed that Kitty has the power to send someone's consciousness back in time to warn them a few days prior of any incoming attacks from the Sentinels. I wish I had the same power when I turned down a threesome with HotVampire and her hot tattooed friend for a Russian chick. Guys, don't ever put you balls in one basket and by basket I mean monogamy; at least for as long fucking is your primary goal in life.

So far TattooedHottie and myself are pretty impressed as Professor X is explaining how this bleak future has come to pass. Basically Boliver Trask  (Peter Dinlage) whom epitomizes the personality of the bigots involved in the US Military Industrial complex, i.e. a midget is assassinated by Mystique in the year 1973 (Jennifer Lawrence) which sets off the unfortunate chain of events. After assassinating Trask Mystique is captured and her DNA is harvested in order to give the Sentinels the ability to adapt to the powers of any mutant which makes them as successful as they have been in wiping out most of the mutant race. They decide to use Kitty Pride's powers to send Wolverine's consciousness back to 1973 to prevent the assassination. I'll admit this is an interesting concept for time travel and when I haven't seen used on film yet. If its been in another film it's news to me.

Kitty Pride does her magic and Wolverine wakes up exactly where a rapidly healing claw for hire would be expected to wake up in 1973; the bed of the daughter of a mafia boss. This leads to some comedic relief as some mobsters come into the room and think, "Hey, lets shoot Wolverine with some pistols because that will totally teach him a lesson right?" Obviously the lesson that was learned was that impaling Italian gangsters is like impaling anyone else; there's red shit but its not marinara.

Wolverine eventually finds Professor Xavier at the mansion after having an impromptu battle royale with Beast. Professor X walks in. Let me repeat that for anyone that has known the character and saw the ending of X-Men: First Class. Professor X can walk despite taking a bullet to the spinal cord. He also is now lacking his power to read and control people's minds not mention sporting a snazzy new Jim Morrison-Jim-Morrison-on-a-dope-bender look. Just think of a more dramatic version of Jeff Bridges in the Big Lebowski and you'll get the idea; or just see the movie. Apparently he has regained the ability to walk because he has in fact  been shooting up albeit its a serum instead of an opiate.

After Wolverine convinces Professor X that he is Wolverine from the future while still Wolverine in the present and that the future is going to really suck for mutants they embark on finding a kid that has the nickname of Quiksilver. He's called Quiksilver because he both think and move very fast. He moves so fasts that he could break your ankles, heal your ankles, and break them again on the basketball court; if he played basketball. The reason for seeking him out is because they need break Magneto on murder charges for assassinating a very high profile public figure. Let's just say it will get a rise out of conspiracy theorists.

Quilsilver nearly steals the entire show in one scene while breaking Magneto out. Just imagine that 70's show meets the Matrix and you'll get the idea. He makes Neo look lethargic by comparison. Not too mention the slap stick humor is a nice touch. That's one of the things I like most about Days of Future Past. It strikes a good balance between action, drama, humor, and philosophy while allowing itself to not getting bogged down by any of those elements. They all meld together to make for comic book movie experience that is up there with the Dark Knight and Iron Man as the best comic book movies ever made.

Days of Future Past is full of plenty of "Oh Shit" moments and, like I said, Quiksilver nearly stole the show; nearly. The moment that stole the show is when Magneto pics up an entire baseball stadium and drops right on the White House lawn while turning everything in sight into swiss cheese with Sentinels he hacked earlier in the film. This scene alone tops anything that I have yet to see this far in theaters this summer. TattooedHottie was equally mesmerized. She brought up an interesting point after the we left during the credits which I later found was a huge mistake since we missed the part where Apocalypse made his appearance.

TattooedHottie: "They can do the entire series over now."

She made a point. I wont say much to ruin the ending but lets just say any character that you like and may have lost will have a logical reason to return due to the plot of Days of Future Past. The movie was awesome, so awesome that I didn't mind getting blue balled by TattooedHottie. She actually had a legit reason to due to the fact that she was tired. I know a lot of times this can be just the result of a woman playing games but she had all the physical signs of exhaustion so I let her pass out so I could write this review.

All in all X-Men: Days of Future past gets a Brag-gable rating from me and I highly recommend seeing it. As it stands now this is the summer movie to beat/

Being What You Eat...

I’m sick of people bitching about prejudice. I’m sick of all this talk about equality and tolerance and compassion along with any other pseudo-altruistic bullshit that people preach for the sake of political correctness. That’s all it really is for; to appear like you give a shit when you really don’t. Some are blinded by it; they really think that they care. They really think that they are human. They have the shell of one. They talk like one. Yet they just seem to follow a script. They play a role. They go along with the program. Yet they don’t even know what the program is. It’s called evolution but it just means progression by trial and error with time as the filter. What are we progressing to? Survival? Doesn’t that make evolution quite static? That’s all the progression from generation to generation is all about? Surviving the programming even though the result is an inevitable termination by the filter of time? What’s the point? What’s the point of surviving? What’s the point of any of this?

The believers say God, the non-believers say nothing, the agnostics say they don’t know. So basically we have two groups of idiots and one group that lacks the balls to take a guess and formulate a theory despite the bread crumbs being everywhere. Fuck they are made of the bread crumbs; they are the loaves. Maybe that’s why they call it a bun in the oven before they come out. Unfortunately most lack the ingredients to even make a proper sandwich. Yet they preach equality and love. What the fuck is with them and love? What the fuck has love ever given us except more shit that we take way too literally? Maybe love is the problem because it leads us to making bonds that only slow us down. They want progress yet they want to slow down. They cant even make up their minds. One second its rush then the next it’s slow down. Can we make up our fucking minds?

Maybe we are just confused and we are so obsessed about not being confused. So basically we can’t make up our minds about what to do because we are confused. Maybe that’s why there is nothing under the shells besides the innate machinery. Maybe we are just machines. The funny thing is I get called a monster all the time yet I seem to feel more than they do. I feel more human than they do. Maybe being a monster and human is one in the same. Maybe the truth is that we are meant to be monsters. We are meant to thrive on consumption. We progress by atrocity. Just over time we have found a way to feel better about it. We have invoked the concept of guilt so that we can commit atrocity in a responsible fashion. Now there’s a contradiction; atrocity and responsibility. Quite quantum isn’t it? We want to destroy in a constructive manner; yet we want to bitch about cancer.

 We are a fucking cancer that has its sights set on this ever expanding space time that expands faster than light. We want to own it and yet we think we won’t destroy once we do. It’s like we thing we are a bunch of potheads chasing a pie just to stare at it.

Maybe that’s why we should just start to eat each other. Fuck it, that really would be atrocity in a responsible fashion. It would keep the numbers down and give new meaning to ethnic cuisine. The hippies would be happy since there would be less shells chopping down the trees while sucking up the oxygen. We could have buffets of it with all of the garnishes and trimmings. It could come with Bloody Mary’s with real blood from bitches named Mary. I mean it would go well while eating fajitas made with real non-genetically modified Mexican babies marinated in Salma Hayek’s squirt juice. I say if you want to be human then you should be what you eat. Just my thoughts and appetite.

What the fuck Warner Bros? My Godzilla review

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When Blue Balling Goes Wrong

So either I am a terrible human being, an awesome human being, a terribly awesome human being, or an awesomely terrible human being. I am sitting here recollecting on the past 12 hours and I don’t know if what happened can be considered hilarious, womanizing, misogynistic, short-sighted, selfish, insensitive, or just Machiavellian in regards to my dick. Damn you Trayvon, damn you. Yes, I am now naming my dick Trayvon because it deserves justice and is always wearing a hoodie made of foreskin.

Here’s my thing about women; I don’t expect sex from them and I don’t expect to get blue balled either. I’m not going to be a dick about it; especially when the chick that is passed out in my bed, that is currently blue balling me, accuses me of using her for sex. I know that trick and veterinarians call it neutering. However, I know if I am patient enough she will eventually cave in. That doesn’t help me at 6 in the morning with a full on erection. If I was raised in Kentucky I probably would have already forced the sex but my dad actually raised me to be a gentleman. I suck at it but a I try. Not raping or hitting women at least gives me a C+. Maybe if I didn’t blog about my booty calls and post topless pics of them I’d be the interesting Ginger in the world or something. I think I am but everyone gets hung on this political correctness shit or as I like to call it, “blue balling the male gender at large.”

Yeah, I don’t know what it’s like being a women and getting eyed up like a piece of meat but then again women don’t know what it’s like being wired to look at every attractive women in their visible spectrum as a masturbatory aid. Never mind when all the blood goes to the proverbial small head when women don’t even have a proverbial small head; they just have, “moods”. That’s difference between men and women; women have to be in the mood for sex while men are always in the mood for sex. Women expect men to get over their genetics yet women can’t get over their petty little feelings. That might sound sexist and I really don’t give a shit. Any women that would get pissed off about this is a waste of a vagina and deserves to get cervical cancer so that we can have less prude, bigoted bitches. Fuck them; oh wait, you can’t because they aren’t in the mood to put out.

Luckily, I have options and at that very moment one was texting me about how horny she was. This was ironic since I wanted to beat up some meat flaps in a pleasurable manner as well. I asked her if she wanted to come over but gave her heads up about the blue baller passed out in my bed. She simply responded via text with, “Ughhhhhh kick her out.” After I clarified that I was her ride she refined her request with “kick her out of the bed”. This is where whatever conscience I have kicked in and I had a moral dilemma; my dick or the blue baller’s feelings. Unfortunately my dick is passive aggressive and since the blue baller wanted to teach my dick a lesson Trayvon felt it was time for some justice. Honestly, blue balling is the George Zimmerman of sex acts.

I walked into the bed room hesitantly and fully aware of the shit storm of annoying that I was about to start; all for my dick. I looked at the blue baller for a moment and took a deep breath. I tapped her on the shoulder until she woke up:

Me: “Hey, ummmm, I got another girl coming over and I kind of need the bed. Could you sleep on the roommate’s bed?”

She gave the familiar, “Are you fucking serious?” and I just looked away trying not to make eye contact my dick had already made up its mind; holding the blood and logic for my bigger head hostage. The blue baller didn’t want to be used for sex and my dick didn’t want to be used to satiate her sense of self-worth. I saw this as a suitable compromise. Then again I wasn’t the one begrudgingly walking to the roommate’s bed. I had a feeling she was trying to prove a point by blue balling me which would work with most guys but then again I am not most guys because most guys think like a guy; i.e. a fucking idiot. Yeah, I might think with my dick but my dick works on game theory. What this means is that I try to pay attention to all the chicks in my life because that increases the odds of keeping my dick in a state of perpetual satisfaction. I always want justice for Trayvon; always.

The girl came over and we fucked in my now vacant bed. The sex was pretty normal. That’s not saying anything other than normal; in and out till ejaculation while acting like I care if she got off even though I think I do care. That’s when I heard the roommate walk into the house. The roommate that I thought would be at work till about 5 in the afternoon since he is the 9-5 type. I quickly threw on some pants and darted out to the living room where he was. I made some odd small talk before threatening him with my psychopathy if he didn’t give me a few minutes to get the blue baller out of his bed without any drama. He agreed; also in a begrudging fashion. People acting begrudgingly makes me want to act like Patrick Bateman.

I walked back into my room where the girl whom got me off says I should make the blue baller go to the couch while she gets her hair and make-up done so she can go to work. The blue baller is awake at this point and she is not happy. She is even less happy when I inform her of the couch idea.

BlueBaller: “Just take me home!”

I can’t argue with this thanks to whatever empathy I have in the presence of women that have fucked me. That’s the only way to get to my feelings; my dick. It’s the only reason why I am nice to women; my dick. It’s the only reason why I don’t punch them; my dick. It’s the only reason why I don’t hate them; my dick. My dick is the reason why I can think like a women minus the hate for them.

Eventually the girl I was fucking leaves after giving me my birthday gift; a UFC encyclopedia that covers everything about the Ultimate Fighting Championships up to about UFC 112. One on end it’s a nice gift but on the other end it’s a reminder of a time in my life that has become a sore spot. It reminds me when I actually I had hope based on sentimentality. A time when I actually thought that having a dream was enough.

She left for work and I went back into the house to deal with BlueBaller. As I walked to my room she walked past me to the bathroom while avoiding all eye contact. She was making believe that I wasn’t their. I was the giant elephant in the room since the blood had left Trayvon and returned to the big head. That was my realization. All I could do was sit on my bed in silence as I knew I was going to catch some shit. I always do from blue baller for this thing that I call, “having a dick”.

She claimed that I proved her point even though her point had now changed to me just being about sex. I wouldn’t say that I am only about sex. There is about a half an hour period after I cum when I think about things that don’t revolve around me dick. It’s probably only about 85% of the time at most. I mean I do think about other things like physics, psychology, comedy, and politics not mention how I look in the mirror and going to the gym to look better in the mirror. Besides her point, originally, was that I was using HER for sex which ironically means that she thinks in term of manipulation as well. The only difference is that I am aware of that quirk; she still lives in the silly little fantasy world of sentiment or “feelings” if you will.

That’s something I have a hard time picking up on with “normal” people; their feelings; most of the time they just come off as superficial trash to me when I do pick up on them. This also means that I hurt their feelings without realizing it. I explained this to BlueBaller along with the fact that I was kind of born a psychopath so I don’t really live inside of social norms which I think shouldn’t have to be explained to a chick covered in tattoos and piercings but what do I know? Maybe one day we will have a President Albert who sports a Prince Albert. I dropped her off at her car and she made a bee line for it like I….well….kicked her out of my bed to have sex with another girl. It’s funny she tried making a point with me and I ended up making a point with her.

The Bedroom: Bigotry's Last Stand

So everyone has been making a big deal about Donald Sterling's dumb, bigoted ass getting caught on recording expressing his views about his mixed race mistress posting a picture of her with Magic Johnson on Instagram. We all heard the recording so no point in breaking it down, but it does bring up something that is being overlooked and that is the concept of preferences. Anyone that's not Donald Sterling knows that what he said was wrong except for other rich white people. Sterling is basically a diet Strom Thurmond that is more than happy to associate with minorities, and make money off of them, but no way in hell will he be caught associating with them in any social functions where his rich, white friends might be around. In his mind it wouldn't be appropriate. To him the NBA is nothing more than a cotton plantation and him signing the paychecks of the likes of Chris Paul, Blake Griffin, and Doc Rivers is the proverbial lashing. In his mind the pen is mightier than the whip. THAT is the source of the issue as far as most are concerned.

"I'm not racist. I pay 12 black guys every year."

I on the other hand say that is the source of the issue at face value, but like any issue dealing with civil rights the rabbit hole goes much deeper. When it comes down to it the rabbit hole that is civil rights is pink and stops right at the G-Spot. Ironically that is more than likely where it truly started. Just like how hand to hand combat sports started with Pankration in Ancient Greece only to be disseminated throughout western and eastern cultures only remerge again as vale tudo in brazil, and now Mixed Martial Arts in the United States. The only difference being combat sports deals with pounding faces for the sake of inflicting trauma while sex involves dealing with a cock pounding vagina for the sake of pleasure; or an asshole for all those that like anal, hetero or homosexual. I think that's an egalitarian way of putting it.

Now I say bigotry instead of prejudice because they are actually two different things albeit with a  lot of societal overlap. Prejudice, believe it or not, is necessary for a society and our species to function. You can't treat a lion the same way you'd treat a Chihuahua. One may piss on your leg out of anger while the other will make you part of their diet if you come into their territory. Lions don't make good pets, Chihuahuas do even they think that they are lions that can shit on your rug. Without prejudice we couldn't have laws and regulation to keep a populace in check from such naughty human behaviors like rape, lynching, murder, owning a Land Rover, etc. There would be no way to keep people accountable for their actions. A society without prejudice wouldn't be a society at all; it would be anarchy and it wouldn't be the heaven that libertarians think it would be. It might be heaven for those that bang their heads to death metal and smoke meth for breakfast while kicking kittens; then again I know a lot of metal heads that like kittens and hate meth.

Bigotry on the other hand is the slippery slope to such warm, fuzzy concepts as genocide, apartheid, and Glenn McConnell's political career. It is action based and linked to toxic prejudicial thoughts that lead to such dehumanization. There is healthy prejudice and toxic prejudice; the difference is toxic prejudice makes it into history books while healthy prejudice is found in science books. So what does this all have to do with sex, bigotry, and preferences? Everything actually seeing that when it comes to sex everyone is bigoted; EVERYONE.

Personally my own bigotry towards sex has evolved over the years. When I first started having sex my preference was anyone that was consenting. Then it evolved to anyone consenting whose breasts come out further than their stomach. Then it was anyone consenting whose tits came out further than their stomachs whom are also down for choking, hair, pulling, spanking, or anything else found in 50 Shades of Grey or a Tucker Max novel. Now it is all of those on top of someone that can hold an intellectual conversation that also has a sense of humor. In other words I'm into sluts that can understand how comedy and string theory can apply to being tied up while being railed whilst in the doggy position all while having a belt a belt wrapped around the neck so that I can properly constrict their carotid arteries for the sake of orgasm. What can I say? I'm a freak.

That's just me though and unfortunately most people do not share my views; this is why most people also suck in bed. That's why rich, white girls that have preferences that doesn't include black guys also have a preference for just laying there during sex. If they would just open their minds up and take in some black dick  then they might actually figure out how to use their hips to fit the entire mandingo anaconda in. Lo and behold most of them are content with never getting a guy off and finding some frat boy to turn into another impotent pet that gets his rocks off on cocaine and hookers. It's why we can't have nice things and its why porn is so lucrative since women call it a fantasy on porn's part while I call it a lack of motivation on said step ford wives' part.

Bigotry isn't solely designated to rich, white women. For every bigoted white woman saying they only do "southern gentlemen" I'll show you a chunky white trash female that is ONLY looking for BBC; "big black cock" for those that don't frequent craigslist. For every female only looking for a "sugar daddy" I'll show you a "sugar daddy" only looking for chicks that can be paid to go away. You show me a mixed race women only interested in gingers and I'll show you a bunch of happy gingers. Ok maybe that last one is a preference on my part and even though I do love attractive beige woman I also sleep with many outside that preference. That's just the crème de le crème for me but at the same time who can turn down a twinkie?

"Think about that question long and hard if you are thinking about saying no."

Having preferences is fine as long as you understand the meaning of the word. A preference means that you like one thing more than another. At the same time it doesn't rule out options. Personally if I had a choice between Pepsi or Coke I would prefer water because I hate love handles but if there was no water I'd choose one or the other instead of going thirsty. However, when it comes to sex most people would rather be sexually frustrated thirsty instead of nourishing their thirst just because they don't have a water option. We all do it and its absurd because we would rather choose preferences over satisfaction. That is why there are, "so many problems" in the world as sexually frustrated people would say. If you want to fix the problems then get over your petty little preferences and start fucking. Don't be stupid about it; make sure they don't have a major STD or something but your not going to live forever. Do you really want to die miserable? If there is chemistry then just fuck. Fuck your brains out, fuck their brains out, and fuck their best friend's brains out if they'll consent to it. That's why bonobos have a civilized society while chmpanzees are about as civil as the Middle East despite the genetic similiarities between the two; or them and us for that matter. If Chimps wore bomb vests that is. The last time I checked Sharia law wasn't too fond of casual sex in a no strings attached manner.

Bottom line is that the progress of a society can be judged by the amount of progress in the bedroom. As long as preferences are treated like requirements with no room for experimentation then bigotry will still be in our mists and such charming fellows as Donald Sterling will be able to have relevancy in our society. If people want a society that is truly blind in its treatment of human beings and solely judges them on the content of their character then people need to get beyond their hang ups in the bedroom which would solve the problem that is the difference between the inside and outside of the bedroom. That problem being outside the bedroom everyone complains about getting fucked while inside of it they complain about not getting fucked enough. The locations are actually one in the same. What makes it a problem is us.

Lets be the solution for once.

God...No God...Is there 11 Dimensional lube?

Is there a God? Is there no God? Does it really matter? These are the questions that rule our days on both conscious and subconscious levels. It stems from our Theory of Mind which stems from our awareness of the inevitability of death. This has led to some great innovation and an exponentially vaster amount of stupidity. Then again if it wasn't for that there wouldn't be any motivation for smart people to escape the perils of obscurity so maybe stupidity isn't so stupid after all.  Maybe incompetence serves intellectual purposes especially since it would be hard to identify geniuses without some form of the sentient litmus test that can be found walking the aisles of Wal-Mart.

 

Then again in the grand scheme of things on cosmological scales we are all no better than asking if you want intergalactic fries with that. That's why Douglas Adams is a genius and Justin Bieber is nothing more than cannon fodder for TMZ. I know going after Bieber is kind of cliche but then again when you get more pussy than I do and haven't hit puberty then you're fair game. Many a pessimist would say that we are quite insignificant and if you went solely based on size they would be right. Then again smaller things tend to pack more power than bigger things. We may not be 41.7 Billion light years wide and growing at faster than the speed of light but the fact that we can comprehend that is quite remarkable. Even more remarkable is the fact that we do, in theory, have the ability spread out and be able to manipulate that some day. Colonizing Mars might appear to be a huge step, currently, but thousands of years from now our descendants will probably look upon it as child's play. Just like how a caveman would be befuddled at how we drive in carriages propelled by controlled explosions or that obesity is an epidemic because attaining food is as easy as going to a fast food drive through. They would also probably be a little shocked that people try to mimic what they ate to survive as a fad diet now, i.e. the Paleo Diet.

 

I'm not religious by any means and for awhile I was adamantly anti-religious but I was also born Catholic. For awhile I believed that there was a God and he would take care off those that did good and banished evil. I felt it was absolutely black and white; that there was no room for negotiation and that evil was evil. In other words I was Fox News. Then shit happened to me. I was falsely accused of rape, a friend of mine got murdered, I went through a couple rocky romances, sustained a traumatic brain injury which ended my mixed martial arts career, and then my dad died unexpectedly of a heart attack. My world perspective, for lack of better word, was shattered beyond recognition. Everything that I thought was true turned out not to be so. My dad wasn't going to be around forever. I wasn't going to fight George St. Pierre for a UFC title. Bad things happen to good people but what they don't tell you is what those bad things do to good people. It changes them and for some it corrupts them. They become they very evil that they wouldn't even consider becoming prior to traumatic events. It's why victims of child molestation are more likely to become sex offenders themselves; that or strippers and porn stars even though those two tend to be more pro-social than rapists.

 

The thing with institutionalized ideologies such as religion is that their goal and purpose is to instill a standard of civilized thought; programming the masses if you will. It's really just programming or a blue pill if you follow The Matrix. It gives those whom would otherwise act irrational and malicious a social construct that instills order and a sense of justice. It breeds civilization and when run efficiently can actually be quite effective on local and regional scales. That is until their are dissenting perspectives that throw the programming into a state of flux. We all want to think that we are open minded but the truth is those individuals are still quite the minority. Most homo sapiens are programmed to dehumanize when people with dissenting views, or even just appear different, come into our mists. This has led to many an atrocity since our species became the apex predators of this planet. Here's a few examples:

 

"Jews aren't cool."-Adolf Hitler

 

"They like the old Russia huh?"-Joseph Stalin

 

"They don't think I'm a God."-Kim Jung Un

 

"They are infidels."-9/11 Hijackers

 

"Lincoln freed who?"-John Wilkes Booth

 

 

Obviously there are plenty of more examples but those are the ones that jump out to me. So what's the point of all this? Programming is what. It's becoming increasingly evident that the universe runs on math in some shape or form. According to theoretic physicist Brian Greene's book, The Hidden Reality, there is philosophy that our reality is nothing more than math feeling itself. Yes, you read that right. Everything you have ever seen or felt could just be the result of reality massaging it's galactic cock in a vigorous fashion which would probably mean that math has some callouses by now. Maybe that is what Pi is; a callous on math's jerking off hand. Then again math is written; its spoken. Math is a language and the only one that we know of to be universal. It's the true programming as it regulates everything. It is everything and its jerking off. Sounds like a porno doesn't it? What if that's what all our reality is; a massive cyber galactic 3-dimensional porno and we are all the fluffers and strokers? What other beings are also doing some stroking; on a keyboard as well as using 11-dimensional Windex to clean it up.

 

Maybe our entire reality is a porno devised by horny 11 Dimensional programmers looking to get their rocks off. They got bored of watching 11 dimensional girls with 11 dimensional boobs getting their 11 dimensional rocks off while their 11 dimensional lusters/thrusters fill them up with 11 dimensional semen. That 11 dimensional semen could lead out onto 10 dimensional sheets and leave 10 dimensional stains while the thruster try to get there 11 dimensional cocks up again so they can penetrate 11 dimensional assholes after lubing them up to trim down on the friction. All this could be going on while our three dimensional selves could be wondering one those all too important existential questions:

 

"Is somebody cumming?"

 

Maybe they are content with just getting their rocks off and maybe so should we.

 

"And you thought a cigar was just a cigar huh?"