Jim Cantore

When I was about 12 years old I felt as though my life's calling would be as a meteorologist except the weather channel is only fond of metaphors when it comes to the kind of weather that gave inspiration to evacuation routes. I actually sat in on a news cast for WCBD News Channel 2 to see what, at the time, was see one of my "role models", since back then I didn't realize that "role model" was nothing more than a fascist play on words probably talked over a board meeting at the headquarters of Nike; the agenda including underage labor im Chinese sweatshops. This role model goes by the name of Rob Fowler and he is famous because of his mustache which is a shame since he is actually a pretty good meteorologist due to the fact that his predictions tend to be accurate at least 51% of the time. That is really the only requirement I think is needed to make it in front of a camera in that job; unless you are Jim Cantore.

Oh yes, good ole Jim Cantore. Now if you have read other stories on my blog I'm sure you are wondering what in the blue hell I could have against Jim Cantore. The short answer; nothing negative. The guy is definitely not a pussy because his whole job revolves around the question, "Where is the shittiest weather in the country and how can I get in front of a camera there?"  It also revolves around, "How can I make this seem like the last day on Earth even if all that is predicted is light queefs from the cunt called Mother Nature?". His career is basically funded by Mother Nature's bouts with PMS which should become even more epic with the advent of climate change, if you believe in that sort of thing. Ever notice how woman become even bigger bitches during those lovely 3-7 days a month? Imagine Storm from the X-Men with no midol at the same time the Bachelor gets cancelled and you'll get an idea about what's going on with the weather.

His genuine enthusiasm honestly makes me wonder why he chose being a meteorologist in the first place. It's not exactly a job that requires enthusiasm since you don't have to get in front of a camera unlike others such as being a politician, actor, televangelist, porn star, etc. Jim Cantore would make all those things way more entertaining than they are; YES even porn, especially porn.



"This will be the biggest cum surge to ever engulf a barely legal woman's face. Her dignity may never recover from this."

 

To put it in other words if Mother Nature were Mike Tyson then Jim Cantore would be Don King. If it were Anderson Silva then he would be Dana White. He is the ultimate promoter for the ultimate champion of the world; NATURE and just like any good promoter his enthusiasm makes you yearn for shit to get fucked up. I know it does for me. Whenever some major hurricane is heading for the East Coast Jim's words make me dream of it becoming even stronger.

 

Did you say that was a category 4 Jim? Can you make it a category 8? Seriously, I want to see 500 mph winds slamming stray bums into brick walls as you break down in detail how the winds in the north east quadrant of the storm make the guy's brain matter paint the wall in a certain pattern. I want to see storm surges that submerge Wall Street just for the sake of liquid asset and debt jokes. The thought alone makes me want to grab a sign and a can of spray paint so I can picket for accelerating climate change. It would beat the shit out of the Superbowl and we can all be the first string for Team: Humanity. 

 

If it was Al Roker doing the commentating then climate change would be just as boring as anything on the Lifetime Network or the 700 Club. With Jim Cantore it becomes a non-stop live action flick that would make Fox News jealous. Honestly Jim Cantore should just comment on everything because he makes anything seem like it needs our immediate attention and input. I'm pretty sure he could make going to the DMV sound exciting and matter of national security. Speaking of which; why the fuck hasn't the government hired Jim Cantore to speak on the subject of National Security? He could have sold bombing the shit out of Syria way better than Obama's wanna-be Jew ass could.

 

"My Fellow Americans, brown people having access to chemical weapons is the biggest threat America has ever face. Miley Cyrus's may no longer be able to be the Wrecking ball we all know and cherish."

 

 

Yeah I said it, Jim Cantore would be a great president because he could get to get us to bomb the shit out of anyone white, yellow, or brown. He'd be having us wanting to skull fuck Edward Snowden to death within minutes of imploring us to take action and to heed his warnings. He'd make us want to donate to the Aryan Brotherhood for cause of fucking Bradley Manning in the ass. Fuck, he could convince us to send Bradley Manning to a South African prison just so that Manning could get raped and get AIDS. Could you imagine the ratings? We could broadcast it on HBO while Jim Cantore breaks down in detail how the 8 inch cock with Swastika tattoos has enough force to break the anal lining causing the massive surge of blood flow onto his cracker empowered balls. Let's do it, 'Murica. Lets get Jim Cantore into the white house. That way even though we are getting raped in the ass we could actually feel like it serves some purpose.

 

 

 

"Vote for me 'Murica. If you elect Hillary then rape will never be the same again and way more boring. Cantore 2016."