The Monster within...

By Frank Waszut

I have mentioned a few times on here about how I am a psychopath but have never really divulged what it is like to live the life of one. Especially one that has experienced trauma in their life. The thing is people like me weren't always called psychopaths. We use to be called Gladiators, Spartans, Samurai, etc. Now similar actions get us called genocidal, tyrants, mass murderers, and serial killers when we get fed up with the hypocrisy of a civil society. A society where we are expected to act a certain way, to put up a front, to put up with unqualified criticism, to deal with sheep that wish they could be us. Sheep that in ancient times were slaves, were cattle, were killed by people like us as a rite of passage into manhood. Now we are forced to live with and under what we view as miscreants of society that taint the blood lines. We have seen these sheep try to follow our ways to cleanse blood lines and always cleanse the wrong ones. In our minds those doing the cleansing are the ones that need to be cleansed and we think about it all the time.

You wouldn't think of us as that though based on first glance. Some of you may think of us as friendly and charming. You probably would think of us as nice people, smart people, quiet people. You may find us funny and slightly odd; peculiar and intriguing. You might even say mysterious. This is nothing more than a ploy to gain your trust, to let down your guard, to leave yourself vulnerable. To make it where we can be the most efficient if we deem that extreme measures are necessary. In your mind people like us are only urban legends; something you'd see in your nightmares. People you never thought you would come across but we are everywhere. We are always paying attention even when you don't think you are. Your vulnerabilities are quickly perceived and promptly categorized. We are cunning and analytical creatures that have already formulated a game plan before we even shake your hand or speak a word. Your body language to us is like an open book.

We are animals that know we are animals. Other animals like us and trust us since they are in tune with nature's laws as opposed to your laws. You may think you are the top of the food chain but we just know that you are scared of a fair fight and use your laws to balance the odds in your favor. We know how to use that crutch to beat you at your own game. At times we thirst for your blood, especially when you're hypocrisy shows and you hide behind your fairy tales. When we thirst for your blood we become nicer. We may even hold doors for you or let you cut ahead of us in line. You think it's because we are nice. We do it because it makes it easier to come from behind to get to your throat or too your lungs or your heart. We may be nice to lure you into secluded places where wandering eyes wouldn't look because most sheep don't want to look into the darkness  because it's frightening. To us we are use to it and it is comforting. We don't fear the monsters as monsters are nothing more than competition at most since we are monsters ourselves.

Some of us get abused by society to where these monsters that come out. The names you identify with us no longer have meaning to our being because we know who we truly are. We draw blood and we like it. It excites us while giving us meaning and purpose. The sheep begin to look like trophies in the making. We begin taking scores. Some us are crafty enough to charm other sheep into doing our bidding. We learn to kill by diplomacy and develop a following. We get the masses to cheer our triumphs. We gain the ability to sway entire sovereignties to praise us while they look the other way while not even asking a question of our judgment. You look upon us as heroes and saviors. Sometimes even as Gods. In reality we are no different in anything more than our capacity to justify our ends with our minds without it weighing on our conscious. We see malice as justifiable and the only reason a sheep is allowed to leave our presence with its life is because we allow it. Any chance meeting with us is a dance with the devil; if we are the type that has undergone significant trauma. There is another side to us.

Some of us have felt love and care. Some of us have seen that you are capable of being great and having a use. We can logically justify you continuing to have a pulse. You need not fear us since you are a benefit to our species and our reality. You get to know us better than most and you are the ones that help us keep the monster at bay. You get to see the softer, caring side of us. The loving parent, the committed partner, the one you can always rely on. Someone that seemingly knows when you are in need and there to lend a helping hand. You show us that life is worth preserving and contributing to. You make us into artists, scientists, philosophers, mathematicians, writers, poets, firefighters, mechanics, and architects.

In the end how we are remembered is by how we are treated by the sheep. Either way we are the wolves. We are the ones that are not afraid of blood. We are the ones that can look upon death without blinking. It's what we were born with and is in our hard wiring. It's our subconscious. It's primal and brutal at times. We are the ones that know the value of a life and whether it is winning lottery ticket or one that is better for nothing more than fertilizer. The pressure you put on us determines whether or not we are remembered as diamonds or as coal. Just remember that we don't care what side of history we fall on. We just care about putting the right foot in front of the left until nature decides to take its course because we understand the justice of nature is the only one that is truly blind. We are always paying attention and we never forget; but if you treat us well we can learn to forgive.