Bros Before Hoes is Bullshit

Occurred October 2008

 

Fucking hot girls is kind of like black jack. You can be an expert at counting cards and have practiced for years but the there is still an element of luck to it. You can have game that would make Derrick Rose look sloppy but if karma is not on your side then you are going to be spending most of your nights whacking it to internet porn. Another thing about hot pussy when it comes to guys, we do have rules which are meant to be broken (liberally). Unless a women is married (and sometimes even then depending on the moral compass of the female involved) a man is going to be weak in front of pussy. Chuck Norris can push the earth down when doing pushups but he still buys hair dye to look good for women half his age.

 

 I was at a barbeque that my buddies, EaglesFan, RastaGuinea, and AngryBelushi. It was the usual run of the mill barbeque (burgers, beer, and football) except there was beer pong (always a plus) and that EaglesFan kept talking about this girl that he was calling Pepperidge Farm Girl.

 

Why was she called Pepperidge Farm Girl (or PFG for short)?

 

Because (According to EaglesFan) her family owned Pepperidge Farms, YES, the company that makes the gold fish, as well as how she had posed in Playboy and was suppose to be in Vogue magazine. YEA, it sounded outlandish to me too. I didn’t really pay too much mind to it though. We spent the day downing beers, watching football, playing Madden (EaglesFan beat me 31-27), and playing beer pong. Nothing special ecept AngryBelushi bitching about how rare I was cooking everyone’s burgers (E.Coli is for pussies), then we had a bright idea.

 

We wanted to go downtown to SushiBar, but we wanted to keep playing beer pong. After much debate and more games of beer pong we decide the best solution is to play beer pong in SushiBar. We gather up our ping pong balls and hop in our cars and head downtown post haste.

 

As we are riding downtown, EaglesFan starts talking about PFG again and finds out that she is going to be hanging out over at CollegePub. I still really pay no mind to it. EaglesFan is obsessed with hooking up with this girl. I’m obsessed with playing beer pong in a sushi restaurant (SushiBar was/still is a restaurant until 10 before turning over into a night club for white guys that wish they were black).

We walk into SushiBar and start putting tables together. The sushi chefs have a confused look, obviously beer pong isn’t a national past time in their native countries. Well, I was going to broaden THEIR horizons and show them how fucking awesome of a game this is. After pushing all the tables together and getting the pint glasses set up, YES we used actual beer glasses instead of Dixie cups (we were playing in style), Me and EaglesFan ordered a couple pitchers of this Japanese beer in order to keep with the theme that we were aiming for, which was invading Asian people with beer pong and show them how awesome American sports can be. It was a peace mission while at the same time imposing our will on them, kind of like how Christians do to little Ethiopian kids, except instead of food packages we were doing it with beer.

The first game started and it was me and EaglesFan vs AngryBelushi and RastaGuniea. I sunk my first shot and so did Eagles fan while AngryBelushi missed his. Apparently my tactic of flashing AngryBelushi with my “Ginger chest carpet” worked like a charm. The game followed a similar cycle. I’d sink my shots, EaglesFan would sink his, RastaGuinea would down his, and AngryBelushi would miss his because the flashing of my chest hair would make him as accurate as a blind hooker getting a facial. Anyways me and EaglesFan were like Peyton Manning and Aaron Rodgers tag teaming on a JV team. And then out of nowhere the Samoans came. I had been playing beer pong for awhile but I also knew enough about Samoans to know they always had a chance to whoop my ass in anything that involved being manly i.e. drinking, fighting, and football.

 

The two samoans, Big and small, and the two of us went shot for shot. At first we were raping them faster than Japan did during World War II but then they started getting the hang of things and started making the games interesting. Eventually the hibachi chefs were having a beer pong battle royale against the sushi chefs and it would have been more epic had they had more practice. To their credit they were picking up the game and nearly landed a bounce shot, sneaky bastards. Eventually everybody in sushi bar that wasn’t a WASP (White Anglo Saxon Protestant) was lining up for a chance to shoot balls at a cup in a game that is called RUIT by people from Maryland, because people from Maryland are fucking weird.

Anyways after our amazing American dominance of a game that was invented in America over teams from other countries that had never even heard of the game before we decided to head over to CollegeBar so that EaglesFan can meet up with PFG with AngryBelushi in tow. When we walk into CollegeBar we find PFG and then AngryBelushi decides that is appropriate time ask:

 

 

 

AngryBelush: “IS THAT PEPPERIDGE?”

 

Yes, he is really that stupid.

 

EaglesFan makes small talk with her while I play wingman and she informs us that she is about to head back to her place for a party in a few and that we are all invited, even AngryBelushi amazingly.  We head to back to EaglesFan’s place to have a few more beers and do some game planning. The plan is as follows:

 

1.      Arrive at PGF’s house and begin owning her frat boy friends at beer pong so that EaglesFan looks more awesome to PFG

 

2.      After getting PFG’s panties wet from our beer pong dominance, EaglesFan will make his move and get inside of said wet panties and pound her tuna box like its Eagle’s offensive line (I love NFC East humor)

3.      Ruthlessly hit on PFG’s ugly friends until I can rock one of them with the shocker and make EaglesFan smell my fingers because I am in fact the one that has to hop on the grenade for him

 

4.      Upon relieving said ugly chick of her dignity and self esteem I will take a walk of shame to my car and head home while hopefully having sweat out all the alcohol from said beer pong dominance so that the Charleston Police Department doesn’t pull me over and have me stay in Leeds Hotel (City Jail) for the night or day depending on how long it takes get one of PFG’s friends to put out. It was a great plan n theory but as you will see all well laid plans go to hell eventually. However this plan going to shit couldn’t have worked out better for myself. Here is how it unfolded from when we left EaglesFan’s house around 3 AM.

 

3:01: EaglesFan pulls out of his drive way with me following

  3:06: EaglesFan is driving down I-26 like stole it with me trying to keep up

 

3:08: It occurs to me that trying to keep up with a 05’ Ford Mustang in 94’ Jeep Cherokee while more than likely still over the legal limit isn’t the best idea.

 

 3:10: I decide to slow the fuck down, EaglesFan speeds up

 

3:11: I lose track of EaglesFan, luckily he told me where PFG’s house is.  I decide to slow the fuck down.

 

3:18: I pull up to PFG’s house and walk up to the driveway and notice the sound of college kids happily killing brain cells and Britney Spears blaring.

 

3:19: I notice a group of frat boys playing beer pong, they are wearing polo, lacoste, have popped collars, and gelled hair and are bragging about shit that their parents bought them. I am already wanting to start fist fucking their faces but figure fucking them up in beer pong is a more diplomatic way of killing their pitiful MTV inspired souls.

3:23: Me and EaglesFan square off at the pong table against two PFG’s friends from the Frat boy mafia. One of the frat boys has buck teeth, has a weird accent, and claims to be from Alabama. If it looks like shit and smells like shit.

 

3:35: The only thing that rivals the douchiness of these jack-offs is their skills at beer pong. The game has come down to the last cup. The frat boy duo miss both of their shots, which has been a rarity so far. Next is my shot, I try to be fancy and do a bounce shot to kill their self esteem in style. I miss. EaglesFan is up. He sinks it. Well played frat douches but the people with actual personalities tend to win actual competitions.

 

3:50: Since 95% of the people at PFG’s house are pussies they all start leaving because they have “class in the morning”. Like I said, pussies.

 

4:00: It seems that close knit battle with the the Frat boy mafia took a lot out of EaglesFan as he promptly passes out leaving me and PFG as the last two standing. She has the bright of playing wine pong (beer pong but with wine instead for those who don’t get the concept of the term “no-brainer”). Sensing that this could lead to sex with her since EaglesFan fumbled the ball (just like his favorite team always does) I agree.

 4:05: PFG is really fucking good at this game and promptly whoops my ass in the first game. Im really competitive and hate losing, even in the face of pussy. I ask for a rematch. She grants it.

4:20: This is one of the closest games of any alcohol themed pong game I have ever played. We are down to the last cup. I sink my shot and she misses hers. I win. We both agree a rubber match is needed to decide who is going to the drunker of the 2 in my favorite game called “Drunken Sex with Hot Girls”.

 

5:00: This game has been going on for 40 minutes. The fact that I’ve been drinking for over 14 hours at this point is starting to catch up with me and the bong hits PFG took along with our wine pong battle is starting to catch up with her. I honestly forgot who won the game. I do remember that she is eye fucking the shit out of me at this point. I go along with this “hint”.

5:27: We have spent almost half an hour flirting and she goes to her laptop to show me how her family started Pepperidge Farms. In my head I still call bullshit but I act amazed because I know doing so can lead to casual sex.

 

5:45: Me and PFG starting using our tongues to see if each other flosses. I start taking her shirt off and unbuttoning her bra, 19 seconds, a new record. She asks me if I have a condom. I look in my pocket and do which is a relief because I’d have to look through EaglesFan’s pockets to find one.

 

5:46: A topless PFG and myself walk by still passed out EaglesFan. Something resembling a conscience makes me turn around and say “Sorry [EaglesFan]” from her bedroom. PFG looks confused, I close her door and start sucking on her tits and she forgets the previous 5 seconds have passed.

 

5:47-8:15: I pound PFG’s G-spot like I’m assuming it has never been worked before. This assumption is based on such comments like “I can’t believe you don’t have a girlfriend” and  “I have never cum like that before. Obviously un-circumsized gingers have an advantage over circumsized frat boys. I pat myself on the back. I don’t get off because my low sensitivity mixed with that I was still over the legal limit, even though I sweat out most of it on to PFG’s back while hitting it from behind. Overall very awesome sex. I am almost pissed that I didn’t bust one in her seeing as how she is rich and my dad would always say, “You can marry more money in 5 minutes than you can make in a lifetime.” In hindsight she could probably pay for an abortion since she was, well rich. And when I say rich I mean “Martha’s Vineyard rich” seeing as how she told me that’s where she grew up.

8:15-8:30: She starts getting depressed and I don’t understand why. She explains she just did this whole “cheating on her boyfriend” thing. I ask her where her boyfriend lives. She says in New York City. I tell her that since he is living at a totally different lattitiude he is probably impregnating starving models and artists. She is still depressed, I hop in the shower and she joins. Most of the conversation revolves around her having just cheated on her boyfriend. I tell her about BBDebutant, whom I was currently on a break from, it helps a little bit. We make out a little bit and I get dressed and leave.

 

 

 

 

8:31: As I’m leaving PFG’s house I have to creep by a still passed out EaglesFan. I start to feel bad. I stop acting like a pussy and walk to my car. The combination of binge drinking, 3 hours of rigorous sex, and sunlight makes my eyes burn. I nearly throw up. I hold it back.

 

10:00: I arrive at my neighbor’s doctors office for my appointment. I guess he smells the mixture of alcohol and sex reeking off of my body. He asks me if I had a long night. I tell him I just got done banging a hot, tall blonde, that claims she has posed in Playboy. He asks me if I use a condom. I tell him I did. He resists the urge to give me a high five.

 

Did I turn out to be a lousy wingman?  No. I did my part by helping EaglesFan get in position to take the ball to the endzone (ball being his dick and endzone being PFG’s pussy). However just like his favorite team he fumbled the ball, and like my favorite team (NY Giants) I picked up the ball, ran it to the endzone, and did an end zone dance that would have made Chad OchoCinco jealous. However I did feel a little bit of guilt over the whole thing seeing as how EaglesFan was a friend after all and invited me over to his house for a barbeque and I ended up fucking the girl he had been pitching a tent over all day. I eventually called him and told him what happened. His response:

 EaglesFan: “ I knew that girl was a whore.”

 Yes she was. I am not disputing that fact. I have two other facts to add though, she was hot and knew how to fuck. Men can stand to their morals and ethics in the face of many things i.e. torture, death, bill collectors, and cops. However in that face of pussy we are all weak and cave in, hence why Bros before hoes is bullshit.

Here’s some photographic evidence to illustrate that point:

 

 

 

I wish the story ended there but its not quite over.  A year went by before I saw PFG again. In that time I that her and BBDebutant had a friend which led to all sorts of fun (sarcasm) drama between myself and BBDeb. However what happened one night while I was out and walking towards SushiBar would leave my brain in a haze that would make me question my existence and path in life. I ran into her and say hey and see if she is in a putting out mood. Her response:

 

PFG: “Hey I have to go a do a bunch of blow. I just got some bad news.”

 

Frank: “Bad news?”

 

PFG: “Well you know that I’m sick right?”

 

Frank: (scared shitless thinking that she is about to tell me she has herpes) “Sick?”

 

PFG: “Yea I have cancer and my doctor told me I have about 2 years to live.”

 

My mind went completely blank right there. I had no response, no witty remark, nothing. I hope she was kidding but then again I doubt someone would joke about having cancer if they actually have it. I didn’t have the balls to call out on it. I haven’t heard from her since. I hope she is ok.